looking back

its 30 december. 2006 has just passed me by. its zipped by a lot faster than i expected it to. and that can be both a good thing and a bad thing. but as always, as everyone mostly likes to think, the year gone by has been good year in more ways than one. a lot has happened. a lot has changed. a lot didnt happen. a lot could have happened. im nostalgic. im contemplative. im also terribly sleepy..so im saving my end-of-year, looking-back-on-2006 post for a time when im less sleepy and tired and exhausted and intoxicated with life.

as of now new years plans include food, drink and a movie marathon. i almost never have plans for new years. invariably something comes up last minute, or i just stay home. this time however, im super excited.

happy 2007 everyone. and dont drink and drive!

be

..and to be yourself is all that you can do
to be yourself is all that you can do..

niyu

niyu's going away to bombay in a few weeks. make that about 2 weeks. and i think its only coming down on me now. it hadnt fully registered in my head. and suddenly i feel like its all happening all too soon.

niyati is going away to bombay, to study music with my grand parents. to live away from home. to learn what life in another city, away from home is like.

and for that im really proud of her. she's doing something i didnt have the courage and clarity to do at 17. im so frikking proud of her. she's taken the plunge.

we're all going to miss her. but i think im going to miss her the most. im going to miss coming home to the one person who's always (well almost always) willing to let me sink myself into her warm and cuddly bear hug. im going to miss having someone with a superb sense of humour around at home. im going to miss having someone to cover up my sorry ass everytime i do something naughty. im going to miss having someone to snoop around and bug and annoy, just for a laugh. im going to miss having someone to teach me how to bake that chocolate cake right. im going to miss all those experimental cooking sessions. im going to miss having someone make me that mindblowingly fantastic pasta / lasagne / mousse / tangy mexican chicken..anything. im going to miss her happy cheerful presence at home. im going to miss having someone around to help me pick clothes. im going to miss having her to call me names and curse and yell and fight. im going to miss picking on each other. im going to miss our hysterical laughing together sessions. im going to miss all the mad crazy things we did together. im going to miss all the nonsense. im going to miss being just me around her. just the way i am, the way i really am, and she'd take it all..laughter and tears.

she's almost the exact opposite of everything i am. and yet in her, i see so much of me. and deep down im furiously possessive and feel such an immense sense of attachment and such a strong bond, that its going to be so hard to let go, and to see her fly her own way. but this is for the best. i KNOW its what she needs. i KNOW its the best thing for her. here's to you niyu. here's to your becoming a cool funky happening and successful whatever-you-want-to-be. because i know that whatever you do, you'll do it well. im so proud of you.

suddenly, i dont know what im going to do after 8 january 2007.

ancient love

i wrote this over 3 years ago. i must admit, at the time i felt like something absolutely profoundly emotional and heartfelt and poetic had flown through my mind and onto paper. now im just embarrassed. not at the way i felt, or what inspired the "poetic words", but at what i wrote and what it made me feel back then. i was kicked at myself. now i just think "hahaha what was i thinking"..funny thing it is, going back to what you once felt and expressed..

but this feeling remains. a lot of the time. after so many days. so many months..i still feel the same way. a lot of the time. its grown with me. its a feeling thats aged with me. its a part of me.

I cant wait for the next time I will see your eyes.
Those few moments, an eternity.
Those moments, an eternal bliss…
when suddenly all the trouble, the grief, the angst just disappears, in a moment.
And everything ceases to exist…my whole world is captured in those minutes that we share.
The world around comes to a halt and I’m caught in a rapturous, euphoric break in time.
Nothing else matters
and all that remains is you, me and the bliss
I long for that comforting embrace…a reminder
the warmth and hope…the overwhelming calm.
all in a few moments of being together
I’m addicted to you, to those moments I share with you
It feels like in those moments, is my everything.
—18 11 ‘03

tree

so christmas is here. saw the most beautiful tree today.
as you can see, the cold is better already. antihistamines zindabad. but yes, that is my handkerchief in my left hand.

the point of this post, and this picture..
im going to miss you stupid fatty. get your ass back fastly.

sneeze.sniffle.bleargh.

i have a cold. and its no fun. of course colds usually arent, but this one is particularly annoying. its a 100%, all the time blocked nose. with an incopntrollable trickle here and there. (yes, ewww is right).. and its making me wish i had another vent from which to breathe. OTHER than my mouth which goes dry and begins to burn after a while. i wish we had like a back-up nose. like switch to breathe-thru-your-ears mode, when your nose and nostrils are down and out. or gills maybe. or something, just to ease the discomfort.

the mornings are the worst. like a cold-hangover. everything is blocked. everything is stuffy. everything is weird and fuzzy. and so i missed going for a run today.

right now my throat, nose and insides feel like they've been sandpapered down..nice and pokey and nice and yucky, with a good dose of goop thrown in. yeearrccgghh. all i wanted to do all of today was drink coffee endlessly. and sit in a chair all day long, and not move a limb. my back feels sore, my shoulders and neck are sore.

sneeze.sniffle.brrrrssmmmppp..bleargh. over and out.

(ps: julia by chris rea is the new happy high meter ticker song..anyone else heard it / like it?)

today

monday morning blues. sigh. cold monday morning blues. which actually begin on sunday evening. and go on through monday. and make you count days till the weekend.

somewhere in between are thoughts of happiness. thoughts that bring a smile to my face. thoughts of sunshiney happy times. thoughts of a time and place far far away.

and here i am. its monday.

such is life

last week i went to a concert at palace grounds. remember shakti. it was freezing in palace grounds. james, niyu and i were there in advance..with the most expensive tickets, in the 2nd row. in the bands face. when it started it was all worth it. they played their regular few numbers..and then what seemed like new stuff.

im a big u srinivas fan now. he's just so bloody effortless with the mandolin. things just flow, he doesnt do much. and then there was shankar mahadevan with his unrealistically tuneful voice. its absolutely insane how he can wander all over the scales and stay perfectly in tune (well almost). and then there zakir. he's the dude. theres just no other way to put it.

i havent heard them in a while. and i was mighty impressed. i cant judge if they were really that good, or if it was just a refreshing change, because iv been so out of the whole music scene. it was a good good good fun evening.

chicken parmigiana at casa piccola followed at 10:30 that night. so all in all it was fun. james macha is damn good fun to hang with. (and now he'll say im just blading, because i never seem to have the time to hang with him. so how do i know what im saying. muhaha.)

works been good. we released our calendar. and i got conned into representing the office to collect the bouquet on stage. which was not fun. i hate fake smiles. works been chilled out. when the cats out, the mice take it easy. the cat has been having a run of really bad luck. a spate of crises and family issues has kept him out of office. the mice have been at play / work. and its really fun. made me realise we work so much better when we dont have someone brething down our necks, making sure we do things only his way and no other way. we worked and we had fun and we werent so stressed out. sigh. theres a downside to everything i guess.

im tripping to bob sinclair..world hold on. the need to go clubbing is really coming back. i feel so old. havent been out dancing in months. the music is getting to me. i feel like i cant hold it anymore. like im going to burst into a jumpity jump right here, right now. which by itself is quite ok. but id much rather it happens on a dance floor, in a smoky, dim, bass-beat-thumping club. sigh..the little pleasures in life.

speaking of feeling old..i will soon complete 6 months since i started working. its like life has caught up all too soon. feels like just yesterday i wandered into the office for my interview..with what felt like an ndless life of freedom stretched out before me. now its like 6 months have raced by..time has caught up. and im back to thinking about "the future". which is ironic. for once in my life im enjoying the present. where i am in life, and everything about it, on all fronts has been so liberating and has taught me so much..and once again im forced to leave it and think about the future. more about this later..when iv sorted out my thoughts a little..

basically i want to be a baby forever. and enjoy life. im a sucker for the good life. i really am.

selfish me

lets have it out..

im selfish. i think iv told myself that a lot these past few days. im having a hard time. and im taking the easy way out by not thinking about it and choosing to be selfish.

in the meantime..here's something i came across today: The quickest way to receive love is to give; the fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly; and the best way to keep love is to give it wings

and its really stuck in my mind.

anyway. this too shall pass.

only questions

am i doing the right thing?
should i really ignore the way i feel?
should i give it more time?
should i confide?
who should i confide in?
who would be most objective about it?
but is being objective the right way to look at it?
should i stop running away from the obvious?
should i hold on to what i believe in?
should i listen to what i want?
should i stop lying to myself?
should i face up to what i really want, ego aside?
what will happen then?
why do i hurt so much?
why should someone or the other have to hurt?
why do i feel this way?
why do i feel anything at all?
cant i just be a rock or something?
only questions. fuckall...

watched dhoom 2. a wonderful exercise in futility it was. but for a trip of 12 ppl from office, it was fun. iv never bought 10 samosas, 4 panneer rolls and 10 cokes at inox, and held up the queue for 10 mins. everyone in the movie is ripped and buffed and in super shape. i felt fat. aishwarya is BUTT UGLY. so is hritiks 11th finger.

listening to walking in memphis. its still super happy..but that apart, i only have questions on my mind.

where am i?

im incredibly happy. its bloody hard to explain how or why. but i am. my body hurts the good nice stretced hurt. i had a good nice long rather productive and fun day.

but my mind is not in it. my mind is on a beach somewhere. had i been in college, i would be on the brink of christmas vacations. yes VACATIONS. something i will never have the priviledge of enjoying again. waah.

so this is lisa, pooja and i at auro beach..same time, last year. and mannnn im craving to go back again. what id give, to be lying on a beach right now. sea spray in my face, the sea wind in my hear, the smell of drying fish and sea weed, the sound of the endless incessant waves, and the sand between my toes.

take me away..because right now id rather be on a beach than anywhere else.

fun sun fun sunday

its sunday. i think i love sundays. for the most of it at least. especially sundays when im all alone and by myself. the family is out today. folks in mysore. sister out with friends. so it was just me with myself and some more me. blissed out it was.

spent all morning at the parlour, pampering myself. its been a while. all of it wasnt a treat—wasnt "pampering". but some of it was. and im glad someone invented that hot tub of water in which to soak your feet. fucking amazing.

and then i drove around in a city that seems to be dead just pre lunchtime. wide and empty roads. grey skies. perfect light. it was like free falling.

and then i cried some. emotional overload happened. but i wasnt alone, so that helped. chinese food that followed helped some more.

its frikking scary just how much iv begun to love alone time. i dont know if its a good or a bad thing. i say scary because i wasnt like this. i wasnt one to sit around by myself endlessly. but today, i loved it. i need my time. my space. my mind. to recollect and gather myself every so often.

today was a day of renewal. love, happiness, contentment, satisfaction. its all back where it should be. remembering a line from million dollar baby.."there's magic in risking everything for a dream nobody sees, but you."

more pics

nothing makes me feel more complete and like myself, than water. then there was us, pushing it with every inch, on the rocks. the water was bloody inviting. the most amazing feeling was being perched at the edge of the rock, feet dangling off the cliff, and the spray of the water fall showering you ever so lightly when the wind changed direction. fucking blissed out.

i wanna go back. it was just short of perfect.

we then went on a wild goose hunt trying to find somanathapura, to see the kesava temple. someone said 15-20 kms. turned out to be more like 60+ km on a state highway, with no food joints or even a measly tea joint. as a result we didnt have any lunch. but we DID have breezers. and NO TOILETS. sigh. road trips are so much fun. anyway, we got to the temple after what felt like an uneding drive, on the worst road iv been on, in a long long time. and the crowds were dizzying. i almost didnt go in. decided to sit in the car and wait for the gang. but i ended up going anyway..having come that far. and mannnn, if you think belur and halebid are gorgeous, you have to go see somanathapur. its the only complete and still existing hoysala temple. its mindblowing, to say the least. i wont try and explain.

and just for the record, in the pics here are: raghu, prashanth, shwetha, vivek and me. i hope we can do it again, really soon!

shivasamudra and then some...

thats us at shivasamudra. more pictures will follow. it was a mind blowing trip. i discovered that water, in any form (falls, sea, lake, pond, puddle!) really soothes me. i can sit and be quiet and feel completely myself and at peace with everything..just staring out at moving water. iv also learnt that boys are babies. you can never expect something and hope to have it, without going through heartache. arrrgh..

on monday night, i drove the octavia. lets just say i was speechless. its driving luxury at its best. its bloody unbelievable. what i felt most of all, was immense pride. im so proud of my dad.

today promises to be another distracted, scattered day. i fucked up so bad at work yesterday. simply because my mind isnt all together. 100%. and im fighting hard to get it back together. hopefully today will be better.

ps: this is a little prayer for andy. i pray that things are going to be okay. i hope you have the strength to cope with whatever may be the outcome of the next few days. i hope that whatever it is, you have it in you to gather yourself and be strong, not just for yourself, but for your future and your family.

hold my hand. run with me.

ever felt like theres so much going on in your head, even you cant begin to fathom where its starts and where it ends and where one thought begins and the loops in to the next? like everything is one endless meandering never-ending confusing stream of thoughts? like you're constantly jittery and on edge. walking on eggshells. not knowing whats around the corner. or like you're trying to run away from something and yet you're in the same place, not moving. like it feels like you've moved miles forward, and suddenly you realise you're just where you started, if not way behind. like you're so bloody preoccupied 24/7, every waking minute of every hour, that you cant do anything straight. like you're trying to understand somehing thats refusing to make itself known. like you're trying so hard for things to work out, to be right, and everything that could go wrong, does. like you're trying to read a book in chinese, when you dont know how.

like you want someone to sit you down and say fuck its a bright and sunshiney day, stop letting your thoughts take over your life! man i needed it. so so so bad. thanks fatty..for the vibes and the "therapy" and "the happy". it just wouldnt be the same without all of that.

i wish things were simple again. really i wish my mind didnt work overtime. i wish we werent so conditioned by things of the past. i wish i knew how to keep my faith where it belongs. i wish i knew how to trust and believe wholeheartedly, especially when it abounds, and i dont really have to look very far to find it. when its staring me in the face and im running around trying to find it. like a jackass.

ah well. something highly uncanny about having actually started running, and feeling so mentally drained from this feeling of my mind running overtime. im exhausted. in everyway. nervewrecked feeling.

cut.
to today. im blissed.
to hootie and the blowfish. "hold my hand".
to a time where i sit, and surf pablo neruda.
to when i feel like im back on track.

with a little love, and some tenderness
we'll walk upon the water, we'll rise above this mess
with a little peace, and some harmony, we'll take the world together
we'll take them by the hand
cause iv got a hand for you, i wanna run with you
yesterday, i saw you standing there
your head was down, your eyes were red
no comb had touched your hair
i said get up, and let me see you smile, we'll take a walk together, walk the road awhile,
cause iv got a hand for you, i wanna run with you
hold my hand, il take you to a place where you can be, anything you wanna be
because i wanna love you the best that i can.

its 12:27 a.m. happy anniversary! run with me.

running for my life

so i started running again. yes, iv managed to wake myself up, beat the cold and get out of bed for 3 mornings in a row now. armed with trainers, tracks and different music everday, i get on that darned machine and i run for my life. the first 20 mins is a killer. everytime i look at the clock ticking, i wanna stop and go back to sleep. the first 20 minutes crawl. but once im past that, its like i never want to stop. its a heady feeling. and its such an enormous energy high. im glad im back in the zone. im happier, more energetic and more ready to face the day.

meanwhile, in matter closer to the heart, im a little torn. or i WAS a little torn. having been in similar a situation before, and having that gone a little haywire, im edgy, theres no denying that. once bitten..i would hate for it to happen again. id hate to have to lose a friend because i wasnt mature enough to deal with my feelings right. anyway all thats too "complex"..so im cutting the crap. leave things as they are. like tu pac said, keep it simple.

the weekends here again. tomorrow im off to shivasamudra with the gang from work. i cant wait. monday, il go back to running..for my life. like nothing can stop me. its a deadly feeling.

ups and downs

theres lots to say. theres so much im feeling. theres things i want to share..get off my chest..air my thoughts. but i dont know where to begin.

monday was fuckall.
tuesday was good fun.
wednesday got even better.

in a completely random order:
i can still get silly.
i can still have my heart feel things i thought id forgotten.
i can still patch up when we fight.
i can still ignore things and learn to forget (or is it forgive?).
i can still wake up if i push myself to do it.
i can still run without getting instantly breathless.
i can still get an endorphin high and keep it going all day.

here's a snapshot of one totally blissed out happy time.

the past few days

this slightly random post is being written in a state of major sleep deprivation.

human beings are a weird bunch. double standards, hypocrisy and fckle mindedness..i guess im just not exposed enough to it. when it occurs right ibefore my eyes, i never know how to react. most often, im dumbfounded and too shocked to say or do the "right" thing in retaliation. and more often than not, its always WAYYY after the incident has occured that i think "damn! why didnt i open my mouth and speak up!" but the moment has gone by then. and soon enough the cycle repeats. human beings are a weird bunch. we do strange things to feel good about ourselves. and we do strange things to convince ourselves that we're in the right, doing the right thing. its very weird. over the last week, iv learnt that people are strange. kind of like jim morrison warned us about. but iv watched, and iv felt things, and iv made mental notes of what it felt like, and hopefully next time round i will say what i need to.

over the last few days iv been constantly thinking about what it is i want out of the next one year. and i just cannot put my finger on it. no surprises. iv never known. in all my life, i havent really had any long-term goals. in a way its strange, and scary. but on the other hand it means at least im still yearning to find out, and every now and then i get restless and cannot rest until i have a temporary pacifying reason. i dont know..sometimes i hate the way my mind works.

on a much more apetizing note: chinese food has made a good and much welcomed entry back into my life. 2 nights in a row now. (as you can see shedding some lbs is so NOT happening just yet)..sigh, oh well. like iv said before, i live to eat, and now im fat. so be it. chinese food is good and more importantly iv had some of the best most fun and interesting times of my life over chinese food. chilli fish is the new favourite.

so the past 2 days have been killer at work. on all fronts. actual work itself, and emotional overload, and some boredom and the lack of sleep. and the constant nagging reminder that i NEED to desperately make time for myself, outside of work. fuck..

anyway, highlight of today: im so glad akshay and i can talk about just about anything. even the possibility that i might have a "crush" on someone. muhahaha.. i love it re! what would i do without you. thanks for all the fun. i had a great evening after all. it really is like warm happy fuzzy things are going to happen and good things will show up and chocolate custard type feeling. and why am i not surprised its a food / chocolate / dessert analogy?! (for those of you that dont understand, fuck it. dont even try.)

baz is singing to me. "understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on." and so i WILL.

dads new toy

so my dad decided he couldnt put up with the truck of a monster of a scorpio anymore. he FINALLY decided he needed something easier, something more driver-friendly and something more sophisticated. much like he is. he lives in style, and wants the best, always.

after much scoping and much deliberation and much thought and many a calculation of prices and mileage and so many different poples opinions on everything, he bought himself a skoda octavia last week. but its the lmk. the station wagon version. just the one i DIDNT want him to get.

oh well..have i mentioned he's also very stubborn? once he sets his mind on something, he has to have it. the good thing is most of the time its a well thought out, much contemplated and calcuated need to set his mind on that particular thing. its always the same, but it wasnt the case with the scorpio. though many wouldnt agree, that was a bad buy. an impulsive buy. and we were stuck with that pile of junk of 2 years.

well the octavia arrived last week, and thanks to crazy schedules and busy evenings and weekends i hadnt so much as sat in it, leave alone taken a ride in it, or driven it myself. finally today, a whole 3 days after its arrival, i got to ride in it.

its a dream. and it has a sun roof! so i felt all kiddy like and stuck my hand out of the sun roof. sigh. im happy for my dad.

adding some adipose

my very being has touched and all new level of inertia. let me specify, INTENSE inertia. i have never felt so bulky and lethargic in all my life. i have never been this big, this uncomfortable and this pathetically frustrated with myself. iv never NOT fit into clothes. iv never been told by my family that im looking "healthy". iv never been worried about the weight iv gained. NEVER.

this is not me! i was an exercise fanatic. i needed my daily dose of endorphins to keep me going. i needed to burn some everyday, to feel the energy to face every new day. i needed to sweat it out and feel refreshed and renewed. i bunked everythign else to make it to gym in time. i was obsessive. i was hyper. i was happy.

now im just slow, heavy, lethargic. a BLOB. and i dont know what the hell to do about it.

its a fucking dangerous place to be. it drags you deep into this abyss of adipose..yes ADIPOSE, its all around..and there you are, in this abyss of adipose..sliding down, with nothing to hold on to, and nothing to pull you out. and nothing by adipose, FAT all around you. bleaarrgggghh..

iv tried watching what i eat (but not really), iv tried waking up early to go for a run (didnt happen past 2 mornings of waking up at the BUTT-CRACK of dawn), iv tried psyching myself into exercising, iv tried leaving nasty reminders on my phone to disgust myself and get me to get moving but i cant. I JUST CANT. im afraid iv fallen into a self-made trap. and im only going down from here on.. its fucking scary!!

its not so much the weight, and the look..its the energy lows. its the mental lows. no endorphins = more unhappiness. therefore i need to invent plan B, to get my now very wide and fat and hideous posterior moving. (considering how all my plan A's failed miserably.)

help! any ideas?

all you visitors who never leave comments..DO IT NOW! leave a comment. help a friend. (ahemmm mr chung.)

hungry. foolish.

too much has happened for me to really put thoughts into words. i wish i could. because sometimes it helps to ease whats on my mind, rather than have to struggle to battle thoughts in my mind. i dont know whats going on, but i feel like its some sort of uneasy, confusing kind of time for me. i wish it would pass.

just found something..a part of something i've been meaning to read. will get to it now.

"your time is limited, so dont waste it living someone elses life. dont be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other peoples thinking. dont let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. they somehow already know what you truly want to become. everything else is secondary."

i need to get a grip.

im looking at old college photos and feeling tres nostalgic. i guess the grass IS really always greener on the other side. im suddenly sitting here wishing i was back in college. with endlessly lazy and jobless and directionless days. no responsibilities. not a care in the world. when things worked like clockwork, whether i liked it or not.

fuck. take me back. i want to learn to be hungry and foolish again.

alone

its over. didnt think this day would come. cannot imagine what im going to do now. dont know if i have the strength. all that hope and energy i imagined i had seems to have gone away. he drained it out of me. and now im weak and alone. strangely i dont want anyone or anything. for once, i just want to be me.

what i've learnt today

1: somedays are way better than most other days. after a chain of nerve-wrecking days, ONE day shines through. that one day makes you feel whole again. triumphant. happy. beautiful. that is what makes life worth it.

2: sometimes poeople are full of shit. when you feel like you know someone, its most likely that its a bloody illusion.

3: i have some inkling of a plan of action now. life feels like it has purpose and direction. and i feel happy again.

4: i can survive on my own. when the cheese gets stale, its time to move on to fresh cheese. this is my quest for newer fresher fragrant happy inspiring rejuvenating liberating cheese.

5: i aint happy, im feeling glad. iv got sunshine in a bag. im useless but not for long. the future is coming on.

the voice, above the din

sometimes a "cheesy" song means everything you want to say. im resorting to quoting a song again. and i havent felt this "honest" and expressive in a long while. lets hope its not misinterpreted for more than it is.

too many views on life being thrust on me. actually its just one view on life thats being dinned into me. but it seems to have no effect on me. i think thats what irks the opposition. my view on life is alive. its struggling to stay alive, screaming, ever so feebly, above the din of everyday life. i can still hear it. it speaks only to me. to everyone else its comes through as a bunch of garbage. to be discarded and thrown away for something else. something some third person is doling out. how can i fit into someone elses clothes? how can what worked for so many others, (just because it did) be expected to work for me? am i not so drastically different from what they think i am? dont they see it? is it really that hard?

since when has being different, or being slow to find your way, come to mean being a "problem"? a psychological disorder? all i know is i want to find my way, MY way.

i want to run
i want to hide
i want to tear down the walls that hold me inside
i want to reach out and touch the flame
where the streets have no name
i want to feel sunlight on my face
i see the dust cloud disappear without a trace
i want to take shelter from the poison rain
where the streets have no name
we're still building then burning down love
and when i go there, i go there with you
its all i can do
the citys aflood and our love turns to rust
we're beaten and blown by the wind, trampled in dust
il show you a place high on a desert plain where the streets have no name
when i go there, i go there with you
its all i can do

and i can still hear the voice, above the din of everyday life. its telling me things nobody else does.

just me and myself tonight

i need a sign to let me know you're here
all of the lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
i need to know when things are going to look up
cause i feel us drowning like a sea spilled from a cup
when there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
when you can feel the world shake from the words that are said
and im calling all angels

for the first time ever, im completely and utterly alone. i wish angels were actual, real things. im absolutely speechless. hurt. dejected. disappointed. worthless.

-censored-

holidays

3 days of the 4-day weekend have passed. i wont say its been a holiday well spent, because i REALLY wanted to go out of town. but i wont say it wasnt worth it because i have had a decent amount of fun. i chilled, i relaxed, i went out, i shopped, i met people i hadnt in a while, i hung out, i ate some really good food, i watched movies, i slept a lot, i spent quality time, we didnt fight, and we had a good time.

so what have i been upto?

stayed the night out.
spent 1.5 days watching movies.
watched the orinigal don, friends with money, monsters inc., ice age and bit and pieces of various things on tv.
chatted online.
slept in much later than usual.
hung out with pooja, who we met after 4 months.
went to stones, ate the mind numbingly delicious chilli beef, topped with beer. (ah!!)
got myself a new blue watch strap.
ate at casa piccola 3 days in a row. lunch on friday, dinner on saturday and sunday.
got my car back from the service station.
started reusing yahoo messenger.
scrapped people incessantly on orkut.
learnt to tolerate some more.
learnt that compromise is inevitable.
learnt that adjusting to something is always going to be on the agenda in life.
hung out with my baby cousins aged 10 and 1.5 years old.
lit the lamps on diwali evening.

tomorrow im going to get my car fixed again. because after 2 weeks of sitting in the service station its still not fully fixed. theres a weird film coating the entire inner surfane of my car, and it doesnt come off with water. the number plate is broken. the new window isnt tinted. the stereo head unit doesnt fit like it used to before the car went in for repairs. bloody fuckturds.

ch**th ka pakoda.
there's this loser i know. he's gotten very used to giving his "prized" opinion, his totally sorry and undesired wasted useless nuggets of information and gyaan everywhere..on anything. be it a new car in the market, the best place to buy jeans, graphic design or even "the way to lead your life". this is the stuff losers are made of. always being one-up on everybody else. pretending to be a know-it-all, when actually you're a SH*T, giving your goddamn opinion every-fucking-where, shooting your mouth like yours is the last word on everything there is to know. this was the most recent piece of gyaan he gave me. "as an adult i will keep doing by duty to tell you. what you do after that is a reflection of you, your parents and your grandparents." random. arbit. useless. thanks, you utter loser. now go get a life.

tomorrow i will hopefully eat a long awaited lunch with modhu "aunty", who is by far the collest adult i know, who puts most other adults to shame with her attitude, who iv been meaning to meet for ages now. the digger and i will trod along and stuff our faces. long live orchid.

then i will catch up with madds and anisha who i havent met in months..not long and chilled out enough.

sigh i need a longer holiday.

restlessly lazy

new song on repeat. manu chao. por el suelo. heres how it goes. its lovely. sounds like electronic reggae to me.. i love it. calm soothing blue and end-of-the-day calming. makes me wanna sit in a room by a green lamp shade and be lazy and soak in the feeling of aching tired legs and shut my eyes and just breathe. im tired.

Por el suelo hay una compadrita
Que ya nadie se para a mirar
Por el suelo hay una mamacita
Que se muere de no respetar
Patchamama te veo tan triste
Patchamama me pongo a llorar...
Esperando la ltima ola
Cudate no te vayas a mojar
Escuchando la ltima rola
Mamacita te invito a bailar...
Por el suelo camina mi pueblo
Por el suelo hay un agujero
Por el suelo camina la raza
Mamacita te vamos a matar...
Esperando la ltima ola
Patchamama me muero de pena
Escuchando la ltima rola
Mamacita te invito a bailar...
Por el suelo camina mi pueblo
Por el suelo moliendo condena
Por el suelo el infierno quema
Por el suelo la raza va ciega...
Esperando la ltima ola
Patchamama me muero de pena
Escuchando la ltima rola
Mamacita te invito a bailar...

no idea what it means. here's a translation..

By the ground there is a compadrita
That nobody is already stopped to watch
By the ground there is a mamacita
That one dies of not respecting
Patchamama I see you so sad
Patchamama I put myself to cry…
Waiting for ltima wave
Cudate you are not going away to dunk
Listening to ltima rola
Mamacita I invite to you to dance…
By the ground my town walks
By the ground there is a hole
By the ground the race walks
Mamacita we are going to you to kill…
Waiting for ltima wave
Patchamama I die of pain
Listening to ltima rola
Mamacita I invite to you to dance…
By the ground my town walks
By the ground grinding sentence
By the ground hell burns
By the ground the race goes blinds…
Waiting for ltima wave
Patchamama I die of pain
Listening to ltima rola
Mamacita I invite to you to dance…

its a weird feeling. im tired. i had a blast at work and after today. the 4 day weekend lies ahead. i wanted to go out of town. SO FUCKING BAD. and im not. and manu chao is making me bluesy and gloomy. so melancholic. and im enjoying it. because it just feels so right. sitting here in dimmed lights. silence of the night and a whole lot to think about.

i want to kick back. go out alone. feel like myself for a change. feel like being alone. why didnt i just make up my mind and go for it? take that holiday while it beckoned? i hate compromise. i hate it. i hate it when it gets you nothing in the end. unrequited reaching-out. this is the mood to read poetry and feel all intellectually tickled and think oh-im-so-smart. but im just feeling restless. restless to get going in life. and yet something is holding me back. something is making me lazy and lethargic. and i hate it.

im sick of being stagnant. static. i need to move. i want to go out and refresh my senses.

i need a break through. while everything in life seems to be going well, i have this nagging feeling of being thwarted and being curbed and being held back. i need to break free. from what, i dont know.

maybe i need a holiday. the out-of-bangalore sort.

get my ass moving

http://www.chalukyas.com/

you HAVE TO check it out. its just shaken the traveller in me, woken it out of its most deepest deadening slumber.

time to get up and get going. i need some outdoors.

wind-down

today was a food and drink and happiness day.

discovery #1: i REALLY like bloody marys today. man, i think its my new favourite drink.
discovery #2: my time management sucks. but discovery #1 made it all worth it.

utts turns 21 tomorrow. so we celebrated at a "surprise" lunch at tamarind tree, which is this really quaint lovely outdoor restaurant type place. it kind of outside the city in the wild (which will not remain so wild for much longer), and its not a walk-in kind of restaurant. you have to book it in advance and tell them what kind of food you want. it was a fun lunch. i got sufficiently high on 1 vodka-sprite and 2 bloody good bloody marys. mama..

and then after everything was done and we were on our way home the gloom set in. i dont know whats bothering me. and i cant quite pin point exactly what it is, but it feels like theres a lot on my mind. its a jumbled feeling.

do i need another bloody mary?

sitting here, listening to massive attack, which iv quite grown to like thanks to neezypeezy. its been so long since i really "listened" to any music. apart from the crap i turn on at work sometimes just so theres something playing in the background. and im feeling like things are winding down. like at the end of a race, at the end of a party, at the end of a long tiring day, at the end of a successful show, at the end of a cricket match.

in 2 days we're having an office party. (bloody mary, here i come!) the ladies are on a secret mission to freak the men out. we've created a medley of the worst, most lewd, "porkie" songs, and choreographed the worst ganpati-procession type dance to it, and stitched it together with a story involving the men at work. we're being the men. that ought to take them completely by surprise. oh yes, did i forget to mention its a secret operation.

energy low. will go get some much-needed sleep now.

a little drama, just to say thank you

this is just a downright, im-a-nobody sort of feeling coming out to say thank you.
thank you amma, for showing me so many things i wouldnt otherwise learn myself. even though it hurts at times.
thank you anna, for putting up with me. for coming to my rescue and helping me out at midnight, out of what was actually caused by my irresponsibility.
thank you goofy, for keeping me happy and alive and well fed every now and then. and for also showing me the wiser side of things that i sometimes miss.
thank you dunkoo for just letting me be me and loving me for me and making me wish and want to believe.

thank you everything.

looking back

im on a blog low. all time low. not because i dont have anything to say. i have A LOT to say. but not enough mind space to sit and collect my thoughts. ever felt that way? like so much is happening, like everything is zipping past you and you cant get a grip on anything. like you're just getting carried away with the flow of everything. like you want the world to slow down. or stop. so you can take a breather. sigh..

so im alive. no broken anythings. long story, maybe il explain sometime.

in the meantime, here's something off the old blog. i just felt like revisiting and reading it, so thought id post it up..

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i feel like we've come a long way, as a generation. we're placed exactly in the middle of the turning point of the past 2 decades..and in a way we've seen so much. we've seen everything that changed, everything thats ceased to exist or transformed itself into something new, more suited to the 'changing times'. from cricket in the gullys to endless hours of lagori, to the coming of star tv and coke and pepsi and rising inflation, pizza delivered to our doorsteps, the IT boom, terrorist attacks, riots, coke in cans [!!]...i could keep going on..

take me back to when i was 6. when i was one among the crazy, noisy gang of about 20+ children, all varying ages, screaming our guts out on a sunny afternoon. lagoreeeeee!!! what a thrill. oblivious to the cranky granny who came out to her balcony, every afternoon, religiously, to tell us to cut it out. 'afternoons are for us to nap!'

i suddenly remember the day i spent with older cousins, on a terrace..painstkingly and tediously painting an entire race track. precise and perfect to the T..trying so hard to make is as real as possible. down on all fours, black paint from tiny glass bottles. white paint to mark the track with arrows and signs. wow. and the remainder of the day was spent sitting by it watching it, waiting for it to dry. we only got to 'use' it the next day. and we spent all day carefully driving dinky cars around the track. manually.

i spent entire vacations, eagerly waking up everyday to join the rest of the gang downstairs. our day began early and somehow we managed to keep ourselves occupied all day, returning home only for meal time. cricket, hide n seek, dodge ball, monopoly, picnics to sankey tank, treasure hunts, cycling around the neighbourhood. we never got bored or tired of ourselves. it didnt matter that i was the only 6 year old amidst so many children older than me. i tagged along everywehere and i dont remember being neglected or left out. i remember being so engrossed in a game of monopoly, that i lost track of the time, only to return home at 9 pm. way past my 7 o clock curfew. but somehow it was understandable and i was quickly forgiven.

we made bike rides, a convoy of bicycles, equipped with picnic food, to sankey tank. i was too little to cycle my way there, so i endured the entire ride poised on the back of someones bike. they fought over who was more responsible and should be the one i should ride with.

school was a happy place. it was a time when you were allowed to sit beside your friend, just so you'd have someone to talk to and not feel lost and lonely on the first day of school. it was a time when you got red stars stamped on your palm at the end of the day, for being good. a time when getting to the slide before everyone else did was the greatest challenge of every day. it was a time when homework was a 10 minute affair and you came home to sing the songs you learnt at school, before your parents.

i came home to a happy home, where my new born baby sister was the centre of everyones attention, including mine. i remember how i resented being moved to another bedroom and thereby not getting to sneakily watch tv from under my covers, when i was supposed to be asleep. i didnt have the internet to log onto, no mood swings that kept me locked up in my room, no music to cut myself off from the rest of the world, only my parents and lots of time to talk and spend with them, lots of love and lots of books to occupy myself, paints and crayons and a stack of art paper on top of the refridgerator that i had to climb onto a chair to access, make shift home-made substitutes for fancy toys and loads of satisfaction and a whole lot of happy times.

days of simple pleasures. eating oranges in bed. reading myself to sleep. endless saturday afternoons engrossed in the endless world of pretend-play. i could be anything/anybody/anywhere i wanted. a time when going out for a meal with family was a special treat saved for special occasions. when i didnt know what it was to want something really bad. when i was just so happy with things the way they were. when i didnt know what growing up felt like. when recreation almost always meant being outdoors with lots of other children. everything we did, we did together. age - no bar. there was always room for everyone.

whats happened to children today? where is the community spirit? everyone and everything seems to be growing up too fast. everything has become compartmentalised and exclusive. children too rapt in their virtual worlds of play station and beyblades, computer games and cartoon network..wanting and demanding things i never imagined i could have, back when i was 6 or 7. i feel so alienated and so removed from todays reality. is this what they call a generation gap?

i watch younger cousins, neices and nephews and shudder to think what the world might come to, when i have children of my own..

where have all the children gone?

bad day

i want to turn back time. to the weekend that just passed. when everything was safe and secure and innocent. and there were no fuck ups. no punishments and nothing to pay for.

why did this have to happen to me? what did i do wrong? will it ever be worse?

stones and more

im developing a strong aversion to kids between the age of 15-20 of late. its almost enraging and intolerable. i hate kids who act like they've grown way beyond their years. like they're too smart for the world. like they know it all. like they've been there and done it all and need nothing from anyone.

walked into stones today, only to find my sister and a bunch of her stupid bimbo friends sitting coyly like some know-it-alls, ready to order beers i guess. yes, most places in bangalore dont check under age drinking. which is why kids like my sister and others often find themselves in the oh-so-cool smoky haunts of this stupid fuck all city, downing beers and getting fat. and of course ignoring what they really should be doing. and ignoring the fact that the rest of the world cares and wishes that they learn and do the right things with time..worrying that they find their way, and dont go astray.

i hate kids who think coloured kajal and marijuana makes one look and feel intellectual. i hate them and their hippie attire and shabby, dirty half folded-half torn clothes. i hate kids who are oblivious to what goes on outside their stupid cuccooned lives that consist of one precocious event after another. i hate kids who pretend that by reading neruda and dylan, and pretending to identify with jimi hendrix, they've attained some sort of salvation. which gives them the license to bust money and time and energy in night clubs and bars, all girls, alone in a pub, in one of the most dangerous cities in india. i hate kids. i hate being responsible. because they never learn.

but whatever. i hate kids. they're ungrateful. they're a waste of time. they're not trustworthy. they're wild. they're dangerous. and they hold you responsible in the end. thats the bit i hate. i hate being responsible for kids who think they know it all and dont need you around.

i had a good time though. little irresponsible sibling episodes apart. chilli chicken, beer, fried rice, peanuts and rock thats playing loud enough to kick in, and soft enough for you to hold a conversation and catch up. the ambience is mellow and not smoky and the place is pretty neat, so that was fun. its a great place to chill, wind down and git BZZZZZ'D and laugh uncontrollably. to stand up and shake your bum out of happiness..to just have some fun because you deserve some fun.

but all thats gone now. i also hate men who lie. and i hate having to change weekend plans.

look at this

http://cjcphoto.com/can/

it made me weep. no surprise. because a lot of things seem to have me in tears in absolutely no time, these days. but this was worth the tears. it kind of shook me up. just watched it, half asleep and bleary eyed..and now im just wide awake and thinking.

it made someone else cry. it inspired someone. it was honest.

but it just struck a chord somewhere with me. every now and then something like this comes along that makes me just sit up and think again.

if you're patient and you let the video load, its really worth it.

lost

iv misplaced a really nice pair of jeans. my favourite pair. the kind that i live in. the kind i wear almost every other day. the kind that get soft and fit you like they're meant to. the kind that take your shape and know every fold and crease like it should be known. the kind that fade with use. the kind that you never want to throw away. the kind that i just really love.

and now i cant find them.

its like they just disappeared. out of the blue. into thin air. it just doesnt make sense..where could i have left them but on the back of my chair. they were there one day (or so i think) and now they're now. we've spent the past 2 days turning the house upside down finding them. no luck.

it makes me sad. those jeans were irreplaceable.

hello goodbye

"roller coaster ride" would be an understated way of describing the past week.

sunday was part-wonderful part-miserable. monday was miserable. today was miserable except for work, which is SUCH A BLESSING! and then so many unexpected things happened.

jee's going to have a baby and i cried with joy, for her. i dont know why, but i did..i dont know if i miss that time in my life when we hung out at college all day/all the time..and that this was just a hard-hitting reminder of how much things have changed in such a short while. i mean 6 months ago we were all cramming to finish final exams. and everything now is so distinctly removed from where we were just 4 months ago.

i had dinner with akshay's family, to celebrate his birthday. it was highly entertaining. and i must say, it was a lot more fun that i imagined it would be. more importantly nobodys freaking out over anything.

i worked like a dog for 3 days straight. 12 hours plus pretty much every day of this week. and i enjoyed almost every moment. someone at work called me REVU! and it brought back memories from school.

i went to coco grove with james. its this new "beer cafe" on church street. which is basically slightly fancy furniture, delicately placed on the pavement, beneath a white canopy..and they serve beer and sizzlers and a long list of short eats, none of which met any sort of expectations. but i had a mojito which was brilliant and a few beers which made it even better. and we watched the world go by..and we laughed and we had a good time. at least i did. and it was good to be out having some fun. and i got pretty buzzed..which is ALWAYS fun.

went to college also. its so strange to go back. totally different feelings now that im an outsider. mixed up sentiments and a whole everything's-flooding-me sort of feeling. but i met maddy after what seemed like ages and it was so much fun sitting in what used to be the food court and chatting. its so nice to hear that things have changed and studying there is actually some fun.

i had the 2 most depressing days in a while..apart from everything stated above. and i think i managed to successfully hide it from everyone, except those directly involved / affected. but alls well, back on the road to happiness again. what with the strange things that have happened this week..

been hooked to this song for a large bit of this week..
you say yes
i say no
you say stop and i say go go go
oh no
you say goodbye and i say hello
hello hello i dont know why you say goodbye
i say hello
hello hello i dont know why you say goodbye
i say hello

show me some fun, please

so there are times when i love bangalore city. because its still so green and its still so pretty on a rainy day, or early in the morning, or when im driving down an open road, or when an auto driver is nice to me, or when im not in one of the many hideous malls.

but today wasnt one of those days. today sucked. and i hate bangalore city. i hate that its so sleepy. that its so fucked up with all the traffic and the fucking crowds everywhere. that inox played NO english movies this week. that plaza and galaxy dont exist anymore. that there's absolutely no place to go and sit down without being ripped off, by paying for something you dont really need, just so you can sit down and have some peace by yourself. that the malls have taken over everybodys lives. that we have to go to multiplexes to watch movies. that the streets are such a mess because nobody wants to park straight, drive straight, live straight. i hate it all.

i wasted today. left work dying to catch a movie. but it wasnt meant to be. what i ended up doing was locking myself out of my car, spending some time trying to get back in, and sitting in the food court at garuda wondering why i was there, hating it all the time, sitting in my car in various alleys and street corners of this not so pretty-by-night city..all because theres simply nothing to do here.

i hate that just wanting to watch a movie is such a fucking ordeal these days. i remember the old days. when we'd decide as a family, that we wanted to watch a movie one evening. we'd eat an early dinner, drive down to the theatre and buy tickets..the stupid MULTIplexes, with their 4 and 5 and 6 screens dont do squat. theres never anything worth watching. what with an all-regional movie list this week.

i miss paying under 80 bucks for a ticket and 5 rupees for a packet of popcorn and 10 rupees for "fountain pepsi". and i miss it all. i hate inox. its such a sham. and im such a slave..simply because i dont have options. its that, or no movies.

so im bleah. i wish someone would show me a good time and pamper the living daylights out of me. im in the mood to sit back, be entertained and have some fun.

i cant sleep..

..so i thought i'd catch up.

the reason iv gotten irregular with blogging is, im barely online anymore. iv been consumed with life outside home. work and after-work. thats just 2 things. but it pretty much sums up every single day of the past many weeks of my life. its a vicious cycle. i work late, so i stay out late to catch up on the fun, so i get home later, sleep later, wake up later, go straight to work..all this with NO time for ANYthing else in between. its weirdly mad and weirdly enjoyable. because for once in my life im satisfied doing what i am, being who i am and loving every living minute of it..well almost.

i say almost because life's not all fair. it just isnt, so there are the moment you wish never happened. like the time i mistook the ad dimensions to be 12 x 25 instead of 12 x 20, and fucked up the art work deadline. or like the time i was stuck in cochin, way over the time i was hoping to be back in bangalore. or the time i had to get out of the car and mark the end of the loveliest weekend getaway in a long long time. and then some..

but the exciting bits that never got mentioned here include the bonus i got last month and bought my family gifts with..weekend trips to chennai and cochin!! and lots of highway driving. and lots of exciting work. i flew to cochin. i talked to a complete stranger. i loafed around cochin, ate some amazing food. and lots of other details that cannot be mentioned here..

so we hope life goes on this way. promise of joy joy and more joy.

on a different trip— acupuncture: its a jab well done!

just a thought

santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

crazy red friday

last week at this time. post a lot of vodka and orange juice. fun and games. butter chicken. fun. painting the cafeteria red. impulsive, wacko, good fun.

helpless

i had a moment yesterday. an overwhelming, over-powering, debilitating and crush-you-under-its-might sort of feeling. i felt like it had ripped my insides apart. like i was a nothing in the face of what i was feeling. and then i cried.

a moment of helplessness. a moment of tremendous injustice. a moment of humility. a moment of futility. a moment of empathy. a moment of complete insignificance. a moment of rage. a moment of understanding. a moment of feeling sick of everything. a moment of disgust. all wrapped into one.

but most of all it was a moment of truth. a sudden consuming feeling of realising that nothing really is a pretty picture. that things arent as rosy for the whole world, as they may be for me. that i have it way too easy in life. that i have everything i could ever have wanted. that the little boy who travels over 10 km after school, from the outskirts of bangalore to nehru circle, to sell 50-100 rupees worth of laddus, to support his family; probably knows what life really is. that im just so goddamn protected in this little bubble of comfort. that i will never really break that bubble on my own. that i will forever an alien to the larger section of our people, who live lives of struggle.

and then i wonder, is the world really a happy place to be? when the boy answered, "i go to school all day, and come here in the evenings to sell", with the biggest brightest smile i had seen all day, i had my answer.

of course, what am i trying to achieve by sharing this through this pseudo-intellectual, niche medium of expression? i dont know. im just trying to put a finger on what i felt. utterly helpless.

martin at work

i hate dogs, but i LOVE martin. for those who dont know who martin is, look here.

the poor dumb fool follows us everywhere. today he came into the boardroom. dense as he is, he doesnt get that the air-conditioning is always too cold for him. so he stands outside the door and politely whines and begs to be allowed in, nevertheless. and so he was let in. half way through our 3.5 hour meeting, we heard him sniffle and softly growl and bark. very softly, wispily, like a doggy angel!

turned to look at him, and there he was in true martin-style! fast fast fast asleep with his legs in the air, genitals for the whole world to see. and his head rolled back, in the deepest slumber. and we suddenly realised he was dreaming. and sleep-talking! it was the cutest sight in a long time! on being called "martin! wake up!" very softly and gently, he rolled out in one swift motion, to upright position..almost like nothing had happened. like a child that was caught doing something embarrassing, who then pretends like nothing had happened!

certainly made for a very welcome distraction in the middle of what seemed to be the longest meeting ever.

charlie chaplin again

a few days ago, i rediscovered charlie chaplin. except im not 5 anymore, watching it on sunday mornings on doordarshan. so it was an all new-old experience. we watched modern times at work, all of us togetehr. all that was missing was the popcorn, which was ALMOST organised for.

charlie chaplin is so much more than slapstick comedy. its so much more than comedy for comedys sake. its so much more than one man alone making a silent movie so captivating.

its dark. its inherantly melancholic and sad. its so real. its so relevant. its timeless. we watched this movie 70 years after it was first made. still silent, still black and white, still so old. and yet so alive and relevant. and it made so much sense to me. and then someone told me of these lines, and i couldnt help but think they're so apt for the movie experience..

"the barque of humour often veers
from shoals of smiles to seas of tears"

in other news, i feel renewed. this weekend, im off on a mini holiday. and i cant wait!

my head...

...feels weird.

i dont know if its all the lack of sleep, or all the endless days of eating out, or the lack of a proper routine outside of work, or the unsettled feeling of not knowing whats coming next.

or maybe i know what it is, and its something very specific and very related to today, but id rather not discuss it or give it too much importance, lest it takes over my very being.

i need to work out. for which i need to sleep early so i can drag my sorry lazy fat ass out of bed every morning. for which i need to sleep early. for which i need to get home at a decent hour every night. for which i need to come straight home from work. for which i need to forget about certain other individuals in my life. for which i need to get a grip on MY life. for which i need to prioritise ME. for which i need to want to do that. i need to get real and stop making excuses.

ugh. i hate not being in control of myself, and my life. i hate watching the world go by like its all nice and fun, when here i am feeling so weirdly confused and bewildered and unsettled and uneasy. i need to exercise. i need the endorphins. and nobody can give them to me, but myself.

i need to start caring about me above all else. everyone else seems to do that for themselves. everybody including all those i care about more than i care about myself. (is that really possible?)

everybody hurts.

can we go?

take me back to pleasant days resort.
take me back to the dirtiest car iv ever seen.
take me back to the boys.
take me back to the jeera rice and dal fry.
take me back to the air-conditioned room.
take me back to the chicken sandwich.
take me back to the many liters of coke.
take me back to the bathtub.
take me back to the telephone shower.
take me back to the tv.
take me back to the heat and humidity.
take me back to the interesting company.
take me back to the sweaty nap in the car.
take me back to the sneeziest 2 days of my life.
take me back to the little shed by the road.
take me back to the run through the dry grass.
take me back to the car that ran out of diesel.
take me back to my first drive, riding shotgun.
take me back to the drive in the rain.
take me back.
i need a holiday.

whats the deal

after years of wondering what the deal with automobile-lovers is..i have concluded that its a special gene common to them all—automobile-speed-driving freaks. its got to be genetic, it cant be anything else. i bet, if studied closely (and i mean dissected and scrutinised) there's got to be some sort of abnormality, and its got to be common to them all. a distended part of the brain, an extra gene, or extra squishy brain fluid, or an appendage somewhere in the head..theres just no other explanation.

what makes some men obsessedly devoted to their automobiles? actually not just THEIR automobiles, but any automobiles in general? what makes them want to do everything, as best as they can, in the interest of maintaining and treating their cars well? what makes them treat a car like a person, with a heart and a sould? what makes them want to cry when selling an old car? or when a super car is totalled? what makes them want to kiss their cars goodnight before going to sleep? what makes them want to spend extra money of superior fuel? what makes them apologise everytime they drive over a bump or into a ditch? what makes them so friggin obsessed that they cant help eat, sleep, think, dream, live automobiles? to spend day after day in a grubby, crummy garage, pulling parts of a car apart and studying them closely like they were live specimen. to have a life-long dream of owning a particular pile of metal. to get shattered to think the day, when you'll actually own it, might never come. to feel someone elses passion for a car/bike/auto/bus/tractor. to love anything on wheels with enough bhp to get from one place to another. to respect automobiles more than you respect people around you. to save up enough money and blow it on a day at a motorsport club, to endlessly circle the circuit at mindboggling speeds, that only make my stomach turn.

im convinced its a genetic specification. iv met a bunch of people..to say they LIVE, EAT, SLEEP, DREAM, THINK, BREATHE cars, is just an understatement. i think iv recently learnt a new kind of passion. and the more i see of it, the more im convinced its special. its like talent..its unique. its genetic.

othello

i watched the hindi adaptation of othello. i dont even know the shakespearean version, but i watched it anyway. and i was impressed. really. saif is brilliant. and i came out thinking wow is that what kajol is married to?! and also, vivEik oberoi is not so bad, though he cant escape looking like a fluffy, pretty, wispy city boy no matter what role he plays. saif is brilliant. im going to dream about him for a few nights to come now..sigh.

konkona is not bad, but the other two women quite sucked - kareena and bips. what shit man, some people are just so overrated. bipasha for her big boobs and not so perfectly voluptuous body, and kareena for her non existent beauty and non existent acting skills. personally i think she looks like a transvestite..with bleached side burns that glow in the light.

that apart, the movie was very good. its very rare that a hindi movie turns out realistic, without over done song and dance sequences, with a decently brilliant acting (by that i mean, very convincing roles played out) and a compelling plot and a realistically scary story that does touch you. and by touch you i dont mean strike-a-chord types that leaves you emotional and moved. i mean the sort that conveys what its supposed to. the sort thats made with so much intensity that it conveys it fully. the sort that does what art is supposed to..mean something "really" and mean it well. the adaptation weaves the real story into the indian scene very well. subtle and hard-hitting.

i loved it. especially since i had a subway tuna 6 inch sandwich before, and mama mia gelato half way thru, and i drove home listening to faith on repeat. it rocked.

now to go buy myself the soundtrack. the music was pretty darned good. i was impressed. the director is the music director and the music was such a refreshing change. well, almost all of it. go see it if you like to be surprised by the occasional good hindi movie, and you havent seen it already. (and if you hate it, dont kill me)

martin and melissa

martin and melissa are a couple that come to work. theyre so in love. they're also damn frikkin regular. on the dot, everyday, all the time, they come in together and leave together when they go home for lunch and they come back together and leave at the end of the day..together.

but martin is the perfect example of "the oppressed husband." i mean, they're incredibly romantic and all the two of them, but theres this constant vibe that melissa gives off..and it speaks "stay where you are, if you know whats good for you." and martin quietly complies and stays mum and remains unassertive. yet, they're always coochie-cooing and snuggling up every chance they get, and wherever martin goes, melissa follows close behind. they're awdully nice to everyone else at work. polite and warm and very affectionate. they never stop to think before a warm how-are-you rub, or a i-missed-you cuddle after the weekend.

and really, they're great as individuals, and they're also nice to each other for the larger part. but i think all that is because of the tight hold melissa has on the reigns in their relationship. clearly, she calls the shots. martin cant even eat in peace, unless she looks over at his food and approves, or lets him eat it, without her forcing herself on his food. at group meetings shes always following him around, just in case he gets something she might miss out on. and when he is offered something, shes quick to butt in and take her share if she feels hes not worthy.

martin is quite the sedate, push-over. he takes all the shit melissa gives him, constantly throwing her weight around. he never stand up for himself. never complains. rarely protests. and yet, where one goes, the other follows close behind. he also has this VERY strange habit, when he naps (which he does an awful lot) its always with his legs in the air, and his privates exposed to the whole world. i dont know how he manages to stay comfortable in the weirdest of positions, with his legs in mid air and his family jewels etc for all to see. melissa really ought to tick him off about that. but she doesnt. when he's napping, in his warm spot, she only cuddles up close to him and keeps him warm. like i said, they're so in love.

im not even a big dog-lover. but i've grown to quite like this couple, that are a part of the team at work. someone said: only dogs know how to really love. i think its an animal thing, we're not fortunate enough to feel in its purest form.

heres a picture: martins the brown one, as you can see his eyes are mellow and innocent. melissas the fire brand on the left.

o.d.

i just cut my nails. its 10 42 pm. apparently its a bad omen. maybe i shouldnt have. maybe it will cast a spell on my happy od trip. shucks.

meanwhile, while im still od'ing on happiness, im considering taking a picture of my slippers. they're happy and fun.

also its a point to note how my happiness is only always related one of 2 things: - doing/feeling well in life and - incredible amounts of love (or lowe as i call it) vibes doing the rounds.

its also interesting how happiness and well being in one department of life, somehow penetrates the rest of my life.

hmm..there's nothing like being happy. be it after eating a deadly good meal, having a long hot shower, ice cream, being appreciated, feeling loved, basking in the sunshine, dancing the night away, a happy rush after a 3 km run or for that matter even a few kind words, from someone least expected.

im happy, for no apparent reason. or maybe there is a really obvious reason, that i cant really see. my mom would always rightly point it out in a situation like this.

i want to take off this long weekend. but wouldnt it be a little strange that i "fall sick" right between the weekend and the official holiday. i think so. sigh...

happiness, more or less

my day began at 5 45 am today. drove over 170 kms. had a complete blast. and wish i could do something like this every sunday. what i saw: a porsche carrera s, a mongoose, mist like i havent in a long time now, mist that makes it hard to see 5 ft ahead of you, akshay belting the bluebeedoo up the hill (its fun!) and a lot of northies treating the place like the hindi movie set.
lets just say, im addicted. not the best pictures, but something that id like to remember the trip by. it was so much fun. this is where i went..

just one of those days

some days no matter how hard you try or how long you persevere or how much you think you're doing the right best thing, its just not bloody good enough.
some days everyones dissatisfaction catches you by surprise and hits you bang between your eyes, when you least expect it.
some days you just dont know whats going on, what went wrong, or why things are the way they are.
some days the flu makes things worse than they could ever be.
some days women can be mean and insensitive.
some days people completely misunderstand earnest heartfelt emails.
some days you have to learn to let go.
some days it feels like you're alone.
some days all the happiness and lovely warmth of the past gets overshadowed by the fuckall momentary present.
some days i wish i wasnt me.
some days i wish i was stronger - physically, mentally and emotionally.
some days i just want to go for a long drive all alone.
some days you begin to realise things are not what you imagine them to be, in your stupid happy little head.
some days you also know that a little sleep will make it all better tomorrow.

im going to go sleep and let the antihistamine do its thing. god knows, i need it now. lets hope at least the tablets stick by me today.

more gnr

yesterday, there was so many things i was never told
now that im starting to learn
i feel im growing old
cause yesterdays got nothing for me
old pictures that il always see
time just fades the pages in my book of memories

prayers in my pocket and no hand in destiny
il keep on moving along with no time to plant my feet
cause yesterdays got nothing for me
old pictures that il always see
some things could be better if we'd all just let them be

more nostalgia and a chocolate rush

been addicted to bon jovi for a few days now. more specifically, keep the faith. i dont know why. for no apparent reason, i pulled out an OLD cd and its been on repeat ever since. when you listen to a song that many times, it begins to present itself to you in fragments. vocals, bass, drums, first section, chorus, riff, end, fade out..all separate parts. it disintegrates even as it plays for the 6754096th time and yet something holds it together right till the end. bon jovi takes me back 4 years, to where it all began. in my mind im back in 12th grade, listening to bon jovi on my walkman, at the back of the school bus and feeling all dreamy. what a trip.

today i got my very own work station. my own place, from where i wont be uprooted. the opposite of a temporary set up. my private desk and drawers and soft board. and my own computer and my own system. outlook, office xp, access to the network, wordweb, stickies and all! what a trip.

on sunday evening, i drove down listening to sweet child. theres something about a lazy sunday evening, sun-down drive, with guns and roses playing very loudly. more nostalgia. what a trip.

todays my dads birthday. i ordered a RICH chocolate cake. and demolished quite a bit myself. and then lay down in my bean bag. listless. not moving. not even so much as lifting a finger, much like a beached whale on a scorching sea-shore. and then i proceeded to get fatter. what a trip.

break

i decided to take the day off from work today. i just needed the break. its been 3 weeks of non-stop day in and day out routine grind and i cant function that way. i was beginning to feel stifled. the weird bit is, once im at work and switch on the work-mode, i function fine. i love what i do and the work itself is not the issue. its just the routine. the machine-like existence. and im already tired of it. i guess it will take a while. im on the road to being a complete slave to the paycheck..until then, id like to make the most of these impromptu absences from work.

so i stopped the auto, completely on an impulse, just before i reached work hopped off and walked around the neighbourhood. walked into ckp (the art college here) and waited for a photo exhibition to open, but it never did. meanwhile i watched the herds of students amble in. and pretty soon i found myself wishing i was one of them. the unthinkable has happened. i miss college.

in retrospect i think what i miss about college is college 'life'. the lazy vela feeling. lazing in and out of college as and when i pleased. eating the doughnuts, drinking 3 rupee coffee, making it to class in time and then sleeping through 1st hour every single day (without fail), ragging shaji (i cant remember his surname!!) ah its isaac! and loitering around the foodcourt, wishing the day we'd be out of there would come sooner, loving poetry lessons, cribbing about exams and extra class, but i think 3rd year was one exciting year. so much happened. and all that has changed so drastically now. i miss the worn out jeans, baggy tshirt, socks and floaters attire that had become so natural, i miss the bus rides (yes i do. even with the changing buses routine, which doubly sucked in the rains) and i miss the general air of no responsibilities and nothing to bind me to anything.

but all thats changed now and life as everyone eventually gets to know it, has begun and while it is a lot of fun, today i just needed a break! so i spent the day talking, laughing, sitting in cubbon park and watching the butterflies whizz around in a frenzy, loafing around on a bike (which i hadnt done in months), eating biryani, sipping iced tea, and we also watched pirates of the caribbean. which i just loved. i havent watched the 1st part but i thoroughly enjoyed the second part. it was so bloody real. and i must say i quite fancy johnny depp and his kajalfied eyes. the crowd in the theatre screamed hooted and whistled like they would if hrithik roshan came on. i was a little stunned. but the movie rocked.

i hadnt seen what the city is like in the day time, in over a month now! and it felt like the good old days again. we sat on a bench in cubbon park, and i watched the butterflies and dogs and old men taking their mid morning stroll. we also had 3 different men approach us with offers to tell us our futures. lunch together has become a rare thing so that was fun. an afternoon show hasnt happened in forever, so we did that too. and then the hair cut. something life changing happened today. akshay got his hair cut. and that in itself was quite an event. an up-beat, expensive unisex salon and an exorbitant haircut. the 'bounce' of it all is yet to be noticed.

everything reminded me of the old days. college, bike rides, lunch date, afternoon movie, akshay with short hair..everything took me back in time. everything reminded me of a past experience. everything was so much fun. approximately 4 hours on a bike, and i think i have a few kilos of dust and grime on me..i desperately need that shower now.

a day well spent. everything was just perfect. maybe its only going to get better.

all aloof

someone teach me how to be aloof. please. seriously, i want to learn how to cut everything out, and beam myself onto my own private planet. and be idontgiveafuckaboutanything-ish.

i try and i try and i cant. it just doesnt fit who i am. but i want to be able to do it. for certain times. when im driving myself over the edge being the opposite of aloof and getting nothing in response. this probably makes no sense to anyone..but i need to learn to cut the world out and be aloof.

anyone know how??

also, check out this site: http://www.blogterminus.com its a blogmagazine of sorts.

in other news, im loving every bit of life. other than the trying to be aloof bits. no really, its like a whole new world has opened itself out on me and i want to drench myself in the sunshine. the warmth it all is overwhelming and i want to just soak it all in. let me be.

im scared (and i feel stupid)

its funny how sometimes i sit in my air-conditioned car and feel like a shit because i dont have the money to throw on expensive food and entertainment and have a lavish life, and then i feel like a shit for feeling that way when the kids tap on my window begging me to buy earbuds, all the while smiling like life couldnt be better for them.

and then i hear of how 2 random people walked into a perfectly happy warm juice and salad bar, while the waiters were busy, and threw chilli powder in some customers' face and stole their cell phones.

fiona (some RJ) got mugged 100 metres away from museum inn, when she and her boyfriend were going back to their car. she actually got cut on her face and all.

and then similar incidents occured at marathalli, sadashivnagar, airport road..and you can tell what part of the news i keep myself updated on.

my fear of the dark has suddenly really surfaced and grown. im scared to sleep alone. im scared to be the last to turn off all the lights. im scared to walk down the road, after work. when im scared, i run.

im scared. i dont feel safe anymore. when i come home late at night, i dont fully trust my watchman. maybe he's angry at the raw deal his life turned out to be. at the rate things are going around here, i wont be surprised by anything..the disparity is too much to come to grips with. 700,000 square foot mall coming up, on one hand and kids with nothing to eat, on the other. heck id want to grab and kill any loaded and privileged thing that came my way, if i was poor and on the streets.

its also funny how thoughts like this strike me out of the blue and then dont filter deep enough to really shake me out of my comfort-bubble.

on a different trip, im back on semi-floyd journey..if i could find my lost cd, it would be a fully-floyd trip.

also, we're not going to goa. we're trying to be responsible. (tell me we're stupid.)

shitty day

im disillusioned. im angry. im enraged. im irritated. im depressed. im pissed off. im sad. im disappointed. im surprised. im wiser..

iv learnt that some of the sheen is not real. that it wears off. that if somethings feel too good to be true, they probably ARE. that the silver lining wears thin and sometimes the ugliness is impossible to escape. that no matter how much you try and be honest and pure, no organisation no matter how simple and unstratified, can escape subtle power games and underlying ego clashes. its disgusting. humans are such a fucked up bunch. the mind makes people do such strange things.

to cut a not-so-long, but emotional story short, iv had a long and tiring but very educative day at work. long and tiring thanks to the unreal deadlines we're trying to meet. and educative because iv learnt what people are capable of. im naive and underhanded dirty politics take me completely by surprise. and i get emotional and lose sight of what i should be doing. i hate 2-faced people. i hate people who get credit for whats not their doing. i hate people getting away with murder. i hate not being able to do anything about it.

but i want to be positive. i want to learn to take it as it comes, and be a spectator rather than participant. and i want to give it to him up the ass for being a bastard.

the "boss" is like a dirty diaper. on my ass, and full of shit. i say boss in quotes because he isnt really. he's not the boss, im squirming to even call him that - to give him that importance. he's just trying really hard to be full of shit. someone SLAP him for me. his only saving grace was that he played floyd really loud today. brrreeeeeeaathe and shine on and the works, which i havent heard in forever. one tiny pat on the back for that, mr. shitty diaper.

ps: tomorrow is the first sunday im going to be working. but after work i will treat myself to some beer i think.

random update

results are out. i got a decent 73. its a lot more than i could ask for, given my prep. and anyway i dont give, so its all cool. i wish i could say im happy for me. but i dont think i am. fact is, exams and college seem like such a faraway thing of the past..i feel so disconnected from the past, that finding out marks has no effect on me. not an immediate effect atleast. ho humm..sigh.

its nice to have someone to put you back on track and open your eyes to what you have, when you're down and out. someone to remind me what im worth. someone to tell me its okay.

its not nice to have your calls go unanswered. 13 times. and thats counting 8 times hutch fucked up and i didnt get through.

its nice to eat chinese food. its not nice to get fat. its not nice to stop working out.

its nice to get appreciated for what you're good at. its not nice to feel inadequate.

its nice to get in bed when you're all tired and sleepy. its not nice to feel weird and unsettled.

but id rather focus on the nice.

i live to eat. and now im fat.

wanlee is a little more than a hole in the wall.

its not exactly fine-dining, but it isnt too down market either. the food makes up for everything else. by everything else i mean the dirty, stained table cloths, the crummy floors, the dim lights, the noisy atmosphere etc...somehow if the food satisfies the palate, one tends to put up with almost anything else. i mean the kitchen operates out of a small room behind the restaurant and the their windows are always open for anyone passing by, to see. of course its also an open window for anyTHING passing by to fall in. but whatever..the fried rice and chilly chicken and schezuan chicken and pepsi taste as good as i like it to taste, and that in itself is a delight. its more chinese than rice bowl is. and rice bowl used to be a majorly serious haunt. (midnight cravings and all) and its clean enough to eat and not wonder if you'll live to see the next morning.

the other good bit is, they play good rock. i mean led zepp and bon jovi and guns n roses and i think iv also heard floyd there.

the best part of course is, 2 fried rices that 2 people cant finish by themselves, 2 chicken dishes for under 200 bucks. now all you people who say go to little chef on church street and some holier hole in the wall in shivajinagar or city market, please note: im still alive after eating this food 2 nights in a row.

now to get on that fruit diet.

theres something weird...

...about suicide. i cant put my finger on it. it makes the most distant and otherwise inconspicuous, arbit people seem significant and close to you. i didnt even know him too well.. a distant cousin through some distant relations..but i cant get his face out of my head. i dont think im grieving. i dont think its sorrow. im blank and im shocked. im disturbed and i cant make sense of it. i dont understand suicide. i dont know what it must be like to be pushed THAT far. i dont know how an otherwise brilliant, smart, successful person, blessed with family and friends and lots of money could be pushed to the point of wanting to end his life. without warning. without leaving any evidence..no notes, no reasons. just a big fat surprise. a rude shock. then again, is that all we need to be happy / content / at peace? i dont know. what goes through ones head when you're about to do it? what degree of loneliness or guilt or inadequacy must one feel to want to stop existing? what level of weakness, or the lack of conviction to fight it out must one possess to feel so incapacitated? i dont know..or maybe i do. i dont know..

i need to get it out of my system. this weird feeling in my stomach. all the unanswered questions and the uneasiness of the word 'death'. its so bloody final, stone cold, like a ice mould that slams its doors shut on something that was once alive and felt things, normal human feelings. now just stopped.

auto blog

today i waited in the rain hoping to find an auto, for twenty dreadful minutes. 7 pm. the drizzle is worse than when it comes down hard. its all prickley and irritating. and ONLY about 3287463 autos drove past me. empty, looking out at all us sad miserably drenched people, and NOT giving us a ride back home. each one sticking his head out of his auto and scanning me to test if im worthy enough to be given a ride..no matter that the auto is empty and he's headed in the same direction i want to go, and it is raining and sometimes it is nice to be helpful.

twenty minutes passed, after which i decided i was wet enough to walk home. so i began walking. which is no fun in baggy jeans and 7 year old floaters. it was like not wearing shoes at all, and having buckets of water tied to my feet. not pretty. im really beginning to despise this city, the roads, the traffic and THE AUTOS. they cost more than cabs in bombay do, and they never want to go where you want to, and they're always looking to rip you off. like they're some luxury mode of transport we've been blessed with.

so iv walked a good distance, and im cursing everything and everyone in sight. when this lone dhinchak auto drives by. i say 'malleswaram?' and he says 'ok. 30 bucks?'. now the normal fair from work to home is about 17-19 bucks, and having walked almost half the way myself i didnt see why i needed to spend 30 bucks on the other half. but it was raining pretty bad by then, so i didnt waste time bargaining. i agreed. i repeat: i HATE autos. they're utterly useless and yet im such an auto-slave.

so we get home finally, after nearly killing a few two-wheeler riders, who came to a screeching skidding halt inches away from my disco-on-3-wheels, since he seemed to think he was auto raja..and was really pushing it. at home i had him a 50 rupee note, cusing him under my breath and squinting to see him in glow of the neon tubelight inside the auto. then somes the classic 'change illa maaaa'..so yay, there i was still quite rained out, standing around wondering what to do next. he wasnt moving his butt, so i agreed to go get him change from home. i get to the elevator and someone has forgottn to shut the door somewhere. the next thing you know, im springting up the stairs in jeans that are now stuck to my legs, which isnt making it any easier. get him his change. downstairs as i hand him exactly 3, 10 rupee notes, he looks at me and says 'wow so you did come back today, i was beginning to wonder' ...the creep!

im going to say a sincere prayer today that the day must come soon, when autos will have to roam the city begging for people to ride with them, and go where they want to go..and people like me will look in glee and say fuck off.