Wednesday, March 31, 2010

just breeeathe

breathe, breathe in the air.
don't be afraid to care.
leave, don't leave me.
look around and choose your own ground.

long you live and high you fly
smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
all you touch and all you see
is all your life will ever be.

run, rabbit run.
dig that hole, forget the sun,
and when at last the work is done
don't sit down it's time to dig another one.

for long you live and high you fly
but only if you ride the tide
and balanced on the biggest wave
you race towards an early grave.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

temporary housewifery in goa

Being a housewife in Goa can be a miserable and excellent thing at the same time. Miserable for someone like me, because exploring a new city is best done in company. Soaking in the sights, smells and sounds I discover everyday sometimes makes me wish I had company to share it all with.

And then sometimes I remember how in all my busy months in Bangalore, the only thing I ever craved was a break, time off and emptiness. And I realize how I should be doing all the things I told myself I’d do. Read, write letters, write in general, exercise and get back in shape, cook, discover the new by myself. And then it’s all excellent again!

I guess the trick would then be to focus on the excellent, max out on the newness and soak up the sun, more than be lonely and miserable. There are moments though, that really make me glad to be a temporary housewife. Moments that waft by when I least expect them to and almost make me stop for a moment and feel grateful that life has taken this sudden detour down the road less chosen (by me, under normal circumstances, of course).

Moments when I’m immersed in cooking my daily meal, leaning over the stove, checking if the onions are just the right color, or looking into the pot of bubbling dal and inhaling its lovely dal steam.

Moments when I wake up and realize I don’t have to rush off to work. Instead I have the whole day ahead of me to do just as I please.

Moments when I have all evening to whip up a meal for Vivek and proudly show off the development of my culinary skills when he comes home.

Moments when I’m running down the Miramar sea front with the sun setting, casting just that perfect glow of evening light, and I can breathe easy and take it all in and feel lucky I live in a fairly unpolluted city, by the sea!

Moments when I’m swimming out into the sea just to see how far I can go before I turn around, and I realize what a beautiful picture it is to look at the setting sun and swim into the sea.

So yes, while a lot of the time I wish I had someone right beside me at all these moments, someone I could share my moments with, being a temporary housewife in Goa is quite a fantastic thing.

Monday, March 29, 2010

the science of separation

The last time I moved out of my home, I was devastated. Because moving out of my home meant moving out of my comfort zone, my sense of familiarity and my immediate support system. Even though I had just married the man I wanted to and was ecstatic about beginning a life together with him, I was devastated about the move. And I recollect now how long it actually took me to get used to the new life, adjust to the new home, new family, new spaces, new smells and adapt myself to what would become the “new familiarity”.

The first few weeks were dotted with tearful outbursts. And the tears came unexpectedly, always taking me by surprise. The smallest things made me cry – seeing a mother buying her weekly stock of veggies would remind me of my mother. Random domestic chores being done around the house reminded me of how differently they were done at my home. Pictures of family and home took me back in my mind. Adjusting to a whole new cuisine and learning that I would have to eat the same day after day made me feel helpless and ache for home cooked food. I cried myself to sleep, cried when I woke up and cried sporadically during the course of many nights, days and time in between. But that too passed over.

After that, I thought I was ready to take on the world. If I had adjusted to that move, I told myself, I could move anywhere in the world and be able to do it with ease. Right? Wrong.

It’s been 3 weeks since we moved to Goa. The day we drove out of Bangalore, I cried. But not because I was devastated. I cried because of the overwhelming feeling of once again being wrenched out of my comfort zone and sense of security, and being placed in complete newness. The people, the neighborhood, the surroundings, the completely non furnished home, living out of boxes and suitcases, not having chai when we woke up, not having company during the entire day, spending my days figuring out the nearest market, the ideal plastic store, the steel store, milkman, newspaper wallah, car cleaner, maid…you get the idea.

So I guess what really brought tears to my eyes on both occasions was not so much a feeling of sadness. Because in both situations, I was anything but sad. I was in fact just distraught with adjusting to the newness that had suddenly gripped me. This time however, has been a far more difficult, painful and unsettling move. Moving home after marriage was a smooth sail compared to moving to Goa. And this time round it has been more than a physical separation of sorts. It feels more like an emotional and psychological transition from one phase of life into another.

I’ve discovered something about myself in the process. I’m far more attached and dependent on people, everyday things, habits, routine and all things that make me comfortable, than I imagined. Therefore, separating myself from one space of security and moving to another causes me far more angst and turmoil than an average person. I see VC, I see others in his office whom I’ve met, and it seems like they’ve just packed up, moved, set shop, and commenced life exactly where they left off.

So my science of separation I guess rests in the fact that I’m so much about the heart, and the connections it makes with all the things that are a part of my life. My family, friends, work, the places I frequent, the things I do on a daily basis. So in the process of moving, its all those things that I miss. It’s the connections I have with them, and the distance that’s so hard to come to terms with. And that’s something I don’t think I’ll ever get over. I will always miss those special few things that are close to my heart and give my life meaning and fulfillment.

I miss the parents. Both sets. I miss Ravi and Adeet because I wish they were closer and could see me do all the things I am doing now, because neither I nor they imagined I’d ever manage. I miss mom and dad because of the life they quietly bring to the home, without which everything seems to lifeless and quiet.

I miss Niyu. Even though we’ve lived apart for so long, I miss her now more than ever.

I miss Harsh and his antics. I miss his paintings.

I miss Simran for her kind and comforting presence. I miss Romi for the laughs we share at dinnertime.

I miss James and our peaceful faff sessions. And our banter. I miss loafing. And loffing.

I miss Bistro and the sandwiches. I miss Koshys and the cutlets. I miss the beer.

I miss Tindoo and my work. In fact I miss waking up every morning knowing that I have a fixed routine of things to do, and that mundane drive to that familiar office, that cubicle, only to commence that very same set of tasks.

I miss my bed. My bedside table and the lamp I had there.

I miss my spacious cupboard.

I miss the ease with which I could communicate with strangers in my city.

I miss the familiarity of the streets.

I miss the numerous places I could go to even by myself.

I miss having someone or the other to spend my time with. I miss never having to feel lonely.

I miss pretty much everything about my life before I came to Goa. But on a peaceful evening, spending time together on our 4 neatly piled mattresses, in front of the TV, where we don’t even have to really talk to “be together”, I feel a sense of contentment that makes me never want to go back, and only makes me want to move on.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

one stop closer to calling goa home

i found a nice parlour. and thats SUCH essential part of making a new city my home.

so neomi's is just a 5 minute walk from my home. its a sweaty walk in the heat, so id rather tell you its a 2 minute drive away from home. which is so nice. there seems to always be parking available right outside the parlour.

AND, its clean, air conditioned..and get this..for all that and more, its cheaper than my bangalore parlour!

whats even nicer is the many things that make this place so much nicer than christina in bangalore. which frankly had become just a habit rather than a place i liked to go to. the girls at neomi's who wax and thread and mani and pedi you are all dressed in crisp uniforms, aprons and shoes. the rooms are not stuffy and they're brightly lit! and whats EVEN BETTER is the girls dont yak away in ching-chong language, and dont make you wonder if theyre bitching about you. theyre polite, nice, professional and so considerate!

so, i now have me a parlour in goa too..and im one step closer to calling goa, home.

Monday, March 22, 2010

endorphins to fight the blues

on friday i was severely depressed and disoriented -- probably from the overwhelming amounts of change my poor feeble mind and heart is coping with.

with very few options to cheer myself up, i decided to go a nice long run. and i can swear hands down, exercise and endorphins are a sure shot way to fight the blues. theres nothing like a good endorphin rush to make you feel good again. well, even if its just a little bit better.

this is a picture of the miramar sea front where i have been for a run twice last week.

Friday, March 19, 2010

the best things about the new life

...the newness of it all
...the lazy space that it gives me
...the beach thats just 5 minutes away
...the liberty to wear all the skirts, shorts and all the other clothes i had stashed away in a dark nook in my cupboard for so long now
...the fact that everything is a short drive away
...the opportunity to slow down and learn that nothing comes instantly, and most things take time
...the freedom, happiness and contentment

on the downside...
- when im not being busy loving the points stated above, and im bored, i have no company
- when im feeling depressed and sulky, its really lonely
- we still dont have furniture and thats turning out to be a frustrating ride
- the incessant craving for friends i know.. friends from bangalore + life in goa would have been just AWESOME!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

goa times

its been a hectic 10 days in goa.
for updates look here.

i spent the weekend in bombay with niyu and it was so good :D
coming back was tough though, and fighting the loneliness is going to be a challenge.
this morning i fought back tears (which im hoping are more from PMS than anything else)..and reminded myself that this is the dream, and this is everything iv wanted. and almost instantly i felt better.

its a strange thing having just one friend in this city :) and he leaves every morning to go to work. but hes a good friend, and i owe him the world for bringing me closer to the life iv always dreamed of living.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

where am i going..

kind of apt for the way i feel right now...

all my bags are packed, im ready to go...

so its finally done. i never thought id squeeze all my precious belongings into 3 cartons. but i did. and im ready to go..well almost.

yet to do..
- pack essential jewelry
- get eyes checked
- deposit money
- change watch strap
- give gifts to shanta aunty and family
- dinner with amma and ammama
- get some sleep

in goa, i will..
- get back to a fufilling routine
- exercise everyday -- pilates and a good long run
- cook and explore the domestic side of me
- NOT hoard unnecessary clutter, no matter how much sentimental value something might threaten to emotionally entangle me with!
- paint and rediscover water colors
- explore easy, cheap, DIY furniture options
- try my best live an easy, simple, uncomplicated and hassle free life

and i know some people are seriously thinking "getoverthegoatrip"..but i refuse to.
heres to the move, and everything it means to me..

Thursday, March 04, 2010

moving lock stock and barrel...

...except, in my case its clothes, shoes and a ton of JUNK.

when the husband packed up and moved 3 weeks ago, he has 2 suitcases with clothes, one big duffel bag with some more clothes, and another big duffel bag with shoes.

i laughed at the AMOUNT of luggage he had.

today i began packing. and im ashamed. because im going to have what seems like 278346278364 clothes, 14 pais of footwear, and TONS of junk. and that includes random pieces of paper, memories, pictures, cds, books, bills, diaries, journals, postcards...basically things i have never gotten down to organizing and stashing away neatly.

hohumsign.. i wonder what the husband is going to have to say about this..

and, im done.

for the first time ever...
it hurt to say goodbye to a workplace
i cried as i cleaned by cubicle
i didnt want to leave on my "last day"
i had friends cry, and that made me cry even more
i received parting gifts from colleagues, and that touched me and made me feel so loved
i feel a heaviness in my heart that i know will only be lifted when something equally fulfilling replaces the vacuum that was created in my heart today...

notice period blues part 2

for days i have been timing my work, finishing it off as soon as i can, and running off at the dot of 5. sometimes 6, but on the dot none the less.

today is my last working day. and for some reason, i just dont want to leave.

i will miss this place. the smiles. the people. the work. my manager. my team. my creatives. the challenges. the successes. the pitfalls. the coffee. the chai. the burgers. the bay. the lunches. the laughter. the tears. the angst..everything.

im just grateful i got this opportunity while i did.

goodbye gss.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

im almost done..

today is my second last working day. and its making me tres nostalgic.

i got my final review comments last week. and thats when it hit me. my boss had some very valuable things to say to me, and its nice to know that my work has impacted this team and the organization in some way. its a satisfying feeling and makes it all worthwhile.

here's to putting it down in history. this was the first job i actually loved, and despite all the ups and downs, crazy highs and lows, the politics, the hysteria, the stupidity..i would love to come back.

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

the dynamics of women only

the people team consists mostly of women.
girl power, they say.
the flipside of that is gossip and politics.

nothing good can ever come from too many women getting together. and the past few days at work have unfortunately proven exactly that.

top 5 reasons why james is the best faff friend one can have

- hes always ready to ditch work and faff
- hes always ready to try a new restaurant, watch a shitty movie, go aimlessly wandering
- hes always ready to walk into a shoe store and observe, watch as i try on various shoes for no particular reason or the intention to buy anything
- he has a genuine appreciation for window shopping
- hes DAMN GOOD fun to get drunk with 

top 5 reasons why i cant wait to be with the husband again

- im tired of sleeping with the light on to combat my sudden and gripping fear of the dark
- im bored of enjoying the everyday little things that i know he is deprived, filter coffee, a crisp dosa, hot food, home cooked dinner
- i have a list of movies that i want us to watch together and im running out of time
- i want to hear about how his day at the new job was face-to-face for a change
- i think goa is a pretty damn neat place to start a change of scene for ourselves

Sent from my Nokia phone