Sunday, December 09, 2007

im broke but im happy

im sane but im overwhelmed

im lost but im hopeful

i feel drunk but im sober

im young and im underpaid

i care but im restless

im here but im really gone

im wrong and im sorry baby

and what it all comes down to
is that i havent got it all figured out just yet

im green but im wise

im sad but im laughing

im brave but im chickenshit

and what it all boils down to
is that no ones really got it figured out just yet

iv got one hand in my pocket
and the other one moving on


theres good shit and bad shit.
the bad shit is harder to get past, and sometimes it makes you want to just shut yourself off for a while.

i wont be around here too much. this was fun while it lasted.


gotto go.


Tuesday, December 04, 2007

naya zindagee

its time to pick up and move.
dust myself off.
clean the slate.
renew. restart. reboot.
slow, staggering baby steps.
lots of prayers.
a lot more will power.
a wide open mind.

blah blah..

basically, its a new beginning in an all new scene.
ive moved on and while it feels like its something im getting used to doing (chucking and moving) every single time is new. every single time is different. and every single time comes with its own advantages and disadvantages.

ready, set, go.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

can it get worse?

im not alone in my work-misery-state-of-mind.
thank god for entertainment of this sort.
stories from a parallel unhappy world.

msn conversation between daddy (name changed to preserve anonymity) and i:

daddy says (10:01 PM):
if a camera were to run through the office....
daddy says (10:01 PM):
1. design department...all playing flight simulator
hAAthi says (10:02 PM):
daddy says (10:02 PM):
2 production department...sitting with vacant gazes
daddy says (10:02 PM):
3. cs deparment ... one system on orkut, two on gtalk, one doing cv, and one playing games
daddy says (10:02 PM):
4. accounts dept..playing solitaire
daddy says (10:02 PM):
5. boss's cabin: PASSED OUT
daddy says (10:02 PM):
she was actually passed out
daddy says (10:02 PM):
she had her her back and mouth open aaaaaaaa like that eyes closed

i guess a drunk boss CAN be worse than a lack of work, motivation, guidance etc etc etc..

Monday, November 26, 2007

going back in time

an old feeling returns:

monstrous monday

mondays bring out the monster in me. the minute i step into work im angry, enraged, furious. im talking huffing-puffing insanely high levels of anger. and it shows on my face, and the way i am.

monday morning makes me want to scream, yell, kick, punch, pinch, karate chop, head butt, castrate, dismember, squish, hurt, trip everyone in sight.

it makes me want to chuck, pick up and move.

and it makes me it just a severe case of monday morning blues? week after week? or is there something seriously wrong here im not seeing? or am i choosing not to see it?

as the days of the week go by, the tension reduces. by thursday im okay again. by friday, absolutely peachy.

people say i should ignore it and get by. and sometimes i agree. im used to switching to zombie-mode. auto-pilot. and im sure i could go through few weeks more before i hit absolute saturation. and yet sometimes i think, why? why should i have to go on this way? and then i think, ok if not this, then what else? and i have no answers. only questions.

questions churning around in my head. like a big cauldron of witch's brew. with thoughts that stink like frogs legs, lizard eggs, and all the stink stuff witches use in their brews. boiling, bubbling, growing increasinlgy hot. and sometimes the heat is unbearable. its like a constant waiting for something to boil over and spill all over the place. almost like i need something to bubble over and scald everything around me. its a useless, hopeless, uneasy sort of waiting.

and still, there are no answers. all i know deep in my gut is, this is not the way to live. this is not who i am.

Monday, November 19, 2007

come on in

a warning sign, i missed the good part then i realised, i started looking and the bubble burst.
i started looking for excuses.

come on in, iv got to tell you what a state im in,
iv got to tell you in my loudest tones, that i started looking for a warning sign.

when the truth is, i miss you.

a warning sign, you came back to haunt me and i realized,
that you were an island and i passed you by,
you were an island to discover.

when the truth is, i miss you.

and im tired, i should not have let you go.

so i crawl back into your open arms.

Sunday, November 18, 2007


being in a "relationship" is so overrated.

Monday, November 05, 2007

take off/getaway/holiday

click. enlarge.
i wanna go.
pic: courtesy

Monday, October 29, 2007

the truth about my life

ive never been one to do things to fit in. to "improve" my image. to please everyone around me. to be accepted. to be one with the crowd. to fit the mould perfectly. to do what everyone thinks is the thing to do. i never have been and i never will be. iv floated through all my 23 years with a few meaningful friends. those have never gone beyond a mere 3-4 people at any given time. and thats jus the way iv been and how iv turned out and how iv liked it.

people come into your lives at different points, for different reasons. the good ones stand by you and turn out to be true friends. others hop on for a ride and hop off when its convenient. but im glad that over the years i have a few but very meaningful friendships that have traversed many weird, eccentric, dramatic, crazy, happy, sad, intellectual, goofy, simply wonderful times. and who are important pieces of my weird and tragically boring life at the moment.

niyu: bestest friend of all. for keeps and all. whether i show it or not, and whether she likes it or not.

akshay: i think we know each other inside out. we've come a LONG, LONG way. and though things have changed, i respect, cherish and hold our relationship in very high regard. much as hed like to disagree i care furiously, as much as i always have. and much as he likes to ignore my calls and sms's, it doesnt stop me from keeping in touch. there is a certain lobster theory that comes to mind, when i think of him. i wonder what life would be like if 2003 hadnt happened. i think we've grown up so much since then.

uttara: its weird but we've really come full circle. from 2001, to date i think we've been friends in varying degrees of intenisty in some way or the other. there was a time when we practically lived in each others homes. we didnt do a thing without consulting each other or doing it together. and then we drifted. and then we became friends again and now we really have come full circle. when im in the need for cheering up, im bored and i need company and a good time, or when i suddenly think wow its been so long since i met utts, i know i can count on her. she can knock some good sense into my head..seeing how she is the more experienced on in a certain department of life ;)

vivek: came into my life and in very delicately meticulous way he gnawed his way into my life. from trips to mysore, to photography and getting through crappy long nights at resource, and tons of fun and laughter and tears i think heres a friend i think im going to keep for life. he's shown me happiness and positivity and strength and resilience and understanding. and im so goddamn grateful. veesee is my reality check, with the calvin grin.

james: ok prateek, not james. i think iv known him just about 2 years now. or maybe less. but there are some people who come into your life and you know are there to stay. shit happens, words are flung, feelings are hurt, silence is maintained, time flies, and then its all back where it started. theres not too many people i can talk to, about just about anything..from crap and flatulence, to life at work, living alone, potty-training ones parents and keeping friends..and i can do it with james. he's 100% dependable. (even though i said nobody is dependable, just yesterday) and yes, i think we have a past life connection of sorts. he's opened my eyes to music iv never heard, truth i never knew and things i never knew i could laugh at.

arjuna: funny how we met on icq, seven long years ago. and i cannot believe we're still friends. and we've been friends through so many differet times in our lives. we've been colleagues. and then ex colleagues and sill friends. with so much in common and so many things to laugh about. he promises that we're going on a road trip some day soon. and he says we have a "contract". but neither of us remembers it, so help us god. he also promises that we will get drunk at each others weddings someday. i think thats a decent measure of being "friends forever" :)

pooja: aka mamoid/steaming/mad mamu/mental mamu. shes the diametric opposite of everything that i am. but we're friends and somehow we manage to make sense to each other. we did a pondi trip out of the blue and that was amongst the best trips iv taken with friends. we said we'd do it once every year. but nearly 2 years have passed and we havent so i think its time we moved our butts pondi-wards.

tabish: long distances dont seem to make us drift apart. i spent a whole weekend with him in europe when we'd barely met a few times bfore. but so many years later, i still think of him as a sound influence in my life and i know id go visit him if i were travelling. much like he does with me.

priya: we've shared the most insane and the most serious times. the funnest times of the more recent years of my life have been with her. im glad she's coming back. we've shared wicked laughter, insane amounts of alcohol, tripping on good food, intensely dramatic talk about life and boys, the need to travel, and so much more. sigh.

so there it is. i think im a list person. and iv just finished another one. this one isnt changing too much through my life i think.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

sunday evening blues

there are times when monday morning blues arrive on sunday evening.

there are times when you want to do something and theres a million obstacles thats holding you back.

there are times when you suddenly feel nobody is dependable.
now is one such time.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

its really weird..

just a thought: i just realised, that for sometime now, a normal week in my life is about getting through 5 days fast, to reach friday, and then the weekend. thats pathetic. i dont know i went from living one day at a time to wanting to hit fast forward and get to friday asap.

and another: i dont know what i hold so sacred about weekends. because weekends are not particularly extraordinary. i get to sleep some more. i get to go out. i get to eat at home. i get to "relax". and the weird thing is, there's nothing particularly stressful or tiresome about the working week. except the commute. hmm..

and another: even though im pretty chilled out and relaxed and not over worked, im DYING to go on another holiday. its barely been one month since my last one.

what am i running away from??

Friday, October 19, 2007

i wish

i wish there was more reason for posting this song. but its only the fact that i really like the song.


a seasonal offer
a free wireless mouse (WHOPEE!)
a boring product catalogue
a hard-to-please boss
no creative leaps happening here
headlines anyone??

Wednesday, October 17, 2007


reasons for discomfort:
its the middle of the week.
work is going downhill today.

bigger reason for discomfort:
this odd feeling of loneliness.
i just feel so goddamn lonely.

like a fish out of water.
like an unfinished song.
like a lost puppy.
like a homeless tramp.

Thursday, October 11, 2007


she wishes to be swept off her feet. by a charming someone. flowers, candles, champagne and all. she secretly wishes were singing again.
she wants to marry michael buble. who by the way, has the most velvet-ty yummylicious smooth voice.
she knows that when he sings, he sings to her.
she will do anything to be on a beach. anytime of the year.
she wishes she could travel to one new city every month.
she knows that a lot of things that need to be done, are just piling on her to-be-done-in-life list.
she wishes she could go out for drinks, drink a mojito and chill, because she's being driven home. she is angry beneath the surface.
she has made some friends, none of whom seem to fit just right.
she is a specimen of habit. an old shoe is just fine. fewer, old friends will do just fine, thank you very much.
she gives and gives and gives and somewhere that damned expectation creeps in.
she wants to have one whole night of sleep. EIGHT full hours of it.
she wants a room with a make over.
she recognises when people mean what they say.
she smiles when shes confused. she smiles when shes sad. she smiles when she wants and cannot have.

i know this she.

fun? anyone?

at this point of time, its REALLY annoying me that i have nothing to look forward to the rest of this week, or the weekend. like nothing. and thats slightly bugging me.

we're on thursday. the weekend is almost here, but its not exciting me. i dont want to get through today and tomorrow. and i want the weekend too. but at the same time theres nothing really compelling about the weekend, so whatever..


im feeling touchy and emotional. and restless and uneasy and unsettled. and very not in the mood for the present. its like i cant put my finger on whats bothering me. i want to be unreasonable and be pampered for a bit.

mean people all around.

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

im back

two days just wasnt enough.
bring out your time machine once again please?
i want to go back.

Friday, October 05, 2007

new found obsession

im obsessed with this song. its on repeat. i didnt think id like bjork. there's something childishly, crazy, care-free-ishly, happy about this song..

Monday, October 01, 2007


people are just SO frigging presumptuous.

bored blue bleagh

its an unbelievably dull and slow day at work. its a monday, and tomorrow is a holiday. today OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN a holiday. it should have been mandatory. nothing seems to be moving around here. everything is slugglish and slow, i can almost hear the voices in my head, and in everyones heads around me. slow, morphed, grawwwwllly, dawwddlyy voices, that long to be back home. in bed. its a day for movies and popcorn. for fresh corn. or candy. or chaat. or photography. or purple tassled dreams. of letter-writing. or slowing down and breathing. of undoing the drama. of just doing anything but sitting my unshapely butt in this chair and wondering what the day holds in store for me.

monday morning blues alert.
it hasnt hit me this bad in a long, long time.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

you gotto take your time

when happiness comes, it comes in heaps and bunches.

iv got to stop worrying about things that i cannot change. iv got to let go of things i cant do anything about.

when i do, things are just so blissed out.

its been an awesome week. in a lot of ways.


Wednesday, September 26, 2007


niyu left for bombay today.
i miss her.
i just got home and into my bedroom.
her stuff is all gone.
the room feels so goddamn empty.
i will sleep alone tonight.
there will be not chitter chatter.
there will be no laughter in the darkness.
there will be no half asleep discussion.
there will be no bickering.
and i feel all weird and uncozy in here.


Sunday, September 23, 2007

f 8, surprise party

new additions to the playlist on my phone:

i belong to you - lenny kravitz
take five - dave brubeck quartet
freedom - george michael
too funky - george michael
spinning the wheel - george michael
guitar man - bread
sail away with me - george michael
chan chan - ibrahim ferrer (buena vista social club)

killer stuff. aftereffects of last night. niyu turned 18 and james and i threw her what was meant tobe a kickass surprise party. it was a huge surprise, because she was thoroughly shocked. but it wasnt as kickass as id have liked it to be. people can be such ditchers! empty house, 50+ beers in a bucket full of ice, coke, sprite, biryani, kababs, fried rice and roomali roti rolls and 2 huge sinful chocolate cakes. and we entertained only about 12 people. what started as a list of 30 came down to 12. but id say i had fun. it was a joyand a complete blast putting it together. orchestrating the surprise. planning the food and drinks with james and pulling it off. i wouldnt have been able to do it alone. james was my faithful partner in crime all along. and i cannot tell you just how thankful i am for it. he's so organised and so calm and so proper about everything, it was just such a pleasure.

from making excel sheets with lists and buying the stuff and decorating the house and getting the surprise on the road, we did it all together. pictures will follow. (shilo, where art thou?!)

the music is part of the post party hangover / high..and im not down on one knee, but the music is really getting under my skin.

im super tired. its been a weird day. lying in bed hasnt felt this good in days..

Friday, September 21, 2007

the cloud of promise

i loved this. goosebumps and all.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

nothing worse??

theres nothing worse than wanting something so bad and not having it
theres nothing worse than feeling like something you want is out of your reach
theres nothing worse than having a mindblock when you need to be flowing with ideas
theres nothing worse than a scattered mind when you so need to focus
theres nothing worse than an itch you cant scratch

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

haffy burday

someones turning 23 tomorrow.
someones entering my side of the fence.
someones growing on me day after day.
someones gnawing his way deeper into my heart.
someones going to be a 23 year old happy puppy baby tomorrow.


happy birthday in advance.

Monday, September 17, 2007

shine alertu!

friday morning traffic jam entertainment

strange names

Vivek says:
stupid wevu

Saturday, September 15, 2007

new blogs!

aunty mia and crazy uncle bubba have their own blogs now.. read more at.. for some untterly real, yet hilariously satyrical and just so-much-fun-to-read real life anecdotes..

and for some downright zany writing that presents a fresh new look at current events and world news. yeahwww hawhaw!

you have to check it out!

Friday, September 14, 2007


events in my life have a funny way of going through phases where evevrything is so extreme. one aspect is so great while another, hidden from most others, is so diametrically opposite from everything else.

all and nothing.
black and white.
yes and no.
accept and reject.
give and take.

and theres no in betweens.
i want a little bit of everything.
i want the greys.
i want the maybes.
i want the pleasantries.
i want to make peaceful choices.

theres all this surface edginess but inside im unperturbed. perhaps its a sign that there really is nothing to worry about, and things will fall into place.
im sending out some good juju much like maddy did a few weeks ago. theres just too much negativity doing the rounds.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

cold cold cold

misunderstood feelings
mistaken feelings
confused feelings
mixed up feelings

Friday, September 07, 2007

the ones we love..

..are the ones we're most hurt by
..are the ones we unconsciously hurt
..are the ones we inevitably turn to
..are the ones we think make us complete
..are the ones we hope will stand by us
..are the ones we take most for granted
..are the ones we need and cherish
..are the ones we think we can accept with all their imperfections

the only people who truly, selflessly and purely manage to pull all of this off are our parents. who accept us with our differences and generational idiosyncrasies and have an unwavering love for us and want only the best for us.

why do we run away from things we have? and chase after things we cannot have?

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

in continuation..

ristey to nahi rishton ki parchaayiyaan miley
yeh kaisi bheed bas yahan tanhaayiyaan miley

only shadows.
a glimmer of togetherness and support.
and we're all fooled.
in a crowd of so many hundreds and still so alone.


i really need to meet a new set of people. i feel saturated.

its ironic..the people i wish were in my life dont want to be around. everything is so superficial it makes me sick. big talk, no shit. iv seen it too many times not to notice when it comes around again.

its always end up wanting whats not going to work and what going towards doom.

its enjoy not being connected to the world when your phone dies at you.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

too much and too little

new job, new scene, new atmosphere
things dont gel immediately
sometimes they dont gel even 2 weeks later
sometimes you need to backtrack and redo things
new job, apprehensions, questions
money over work? work over money?
my cell phone is fucked
bangalore is a sleepy city
incompetent useless place this is
people are undependable
friends dont stay, friends disappear
boys suck. boys are uncaring, boys are not worth it, boys are so selfish
james is a lifesaver sometimes
beer buzz is a good feeling
im sleepy
photography is a new found interest is whats keeping me occupied these days
next week things may be all new again
and all i crave is some familiarity
nothing feels the same anymore
work, friends, people i know, family, passion, love, familiarity.. its all changed

Sunday, August 19, 2007

i just watched...

and loved it. happy, sad, sweet, climax, anti climax.. i laughed and cried and got confused and everything :) but its a fun movie.

temple flowers

"wevu's tree of mangoes..i mean love."
lal bagh, bangalore
august 2007

Friday, August 17, 2007

people are strange

sometimes those you consider friends, dont feel the same way about you. its weird.
people are strange. and sometimes things happen that make you sit up and wonder why you sometimes do the things you do.. and you answer your own question with a "becuase it makes me happy. i do it for my happiness. i expect nothing in return."

but really, does it make you happy to see people behave strangely??

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

not-so-sensitive am i?

i think the "sensitive" side of me is non existent. i dont know what it is.

i just watched this most disturbing and nerve wreckingly shaking up and eye-opening peta video. animals mutilated, treated horribly, living the most degrading lives in meat and poultry farms and eventually killed in the most horrendous fashion, unbelievably gory and just so shockingly inhumane (if thats a word) ways..

iv heard the video is fake. but i believe its true. its looks too real to be fake. and i dont believe it cannot happen. its shaken me up. and yet not enough to just want to quit eating meat. i just cant get myself to so it. and im wondering why.

its true, i think that "sensitive" side of me is dead. its disgusting me.

Monday, August 13, 2007

chase and cry

song 64 on my phone.
chasing cars.
go to track 64.
and cry.

i dont know if its the feverish feeling and the non stop cough. or the 6 o clock sunset gloom. or the dark and lonely home that surrounds me just now. or the darkness thats creeping inside of me. or the need to sleep. or the calm before the chaos. or the unsatiated need for chai and momos.

"its been a while..but all that sh*t seems to disappear when im with you"

all the colourful days...

...are coming around again

we been so long waiting
for the all time high
we got a damn good reason
to put your troubles aside
and all your winter sorrows hang them out to dry
throw it away
gotta throw it away
all the colorful days my friend
are coming around again

i got someone waiting for me
its been so long since we met
and i may not be your salvation but il offer nonetheless
and if like me you wanna take that chance
its coming around again

Sunday, August 12, 2007

why is it..

..that a woman tolerates hurt silently? and a man is so quick to state what hurt him?
..that a woman can show her attachment easily? and a man chooses to seem detached?
..that a woman can learn to be tuned out like a man does? but a man cannot learn to share like women do?
..that a woman will give endlessly till she cant anymore? and a man can never fully understand that?
..that women learn tact and endurance? and men can just be themselves, no matter how absured it may seem?
..that women never learn? and men just never change?

over the past week, iv learned that women are softer for a reason. malleable, vulnerable and easy to push, punch, squeeze, pinch, and yet know they'll be alright and endure for a long long time. its needed. the world demands it of women. they're made that way for a reason.

we're ruled by the right side of our brains to complement our counter parts who are controlled by the left side of their brains. bloody genetics. and psychology.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

ear pop

one of the BESTEST feelings ever is when a blocked ear finally feels like its about to open...and then it does. with a pop.

and everything is that much louder and clearer.


tired and frustrated

  • home to airport 45 minutes
  • check in and chai 15 minutes
  • chat with pooja 30 minutes
  • boarding - waiting to takeoff 50 minutes
  • takeoff - banglore 80 minutes
  • circling in the sky 30 minutes
  • landing and taxi 10 minutes
  • queue in loo and baggage claim 20 minutes
  • waiting for taxi in rain 15 minutes
  • taxi drive home 75 minutes

for the first time ever despite having boarded a flight that caimed to be on time, i was in the air for a good 2.5 hours on a bombay-bangalore flight and eventually reached bangalore a good 1 hour late. 7th in queue to take off at bombay and 6th in queue to land in bangalore. traffic jams in the skies also i guess.. and the whole time we were aimlessly circling the skies over bangalore, the stupid information on my swanky little tv screen kept switching between 12 and 13 minutes to landing. the cheats.

the food sucked on kingfisher. they've FINALLY changed whats on the menu, so i was all whoppeee, until i saw what it looked and tasted like. 2 dry pieces of malai kabab; one crumbly bun with a blob of tomato puree, sauteed onions and cheese in the centre; and this ridiculous thing they called potato and corn "chaat" which was so ridiculously spicy and hot (i mean temperature wise) for chaat, that i couldnt have it. and dessert was this thing with fancy name i cant remember, which was actually extra fluffy cream on a marie biscuit with a blob of blueberry goop on top. and then i needed to pee. they made their landing announcement and said fasten seatbelts and stay in your seats and blahblah.. so i sat there, while the tv fooled me for about half an hour. and then i got off in the rain and walked in the rain to the terminal..and rushed to the loo, only to find that theres all of THREE stalls in the ladies room, for the whole arrival terminal. brilliant! so there was this long meandering queue there as well..with all kinds of varied and assorted women of all ages, castes, religions and nationalities. by the time my turn came i decided to close my eyes, nose and mouth to make the job short and painless, without any side/aftereffects..

and then the drive back was one big traffic jam all the way home.

i knew i should've stayed an extra day.

Friday, August 10, 2007

full circle

bombay. tons of memories. mixed feelings. twists and turns in life. times spent. memories held. friends made.

iv been here 5 days. i leave today. and for the first time in years, i dont want to go back. coming to bombay is like going back in time for me. it takes me back and brings back a flood of mixed memories from all kinds of times. spending endlessly long summer days and entire holidays here. with or without amma. 2 whole months. we'd come when holidays began and go back just before school started. before niyu was born i would do it all alone, and spend afternoons reading, being told stories, playing with aditya and radhika, playing pretend games all by myself, shopping for books, being pampered by the hordes of ammama and ajjus students and friends, eating all kinds of yummy food, visiting people. and then we came here when niyu was going to be born and when ajju had his by-pass surgery and when ammama turned 60 and ajju turned 70 and 75 and for so many other big events and occasions. and so many other times i cannot even begin to name or recollect.

over the years i remember the time when vacations would come to end, and id be counting days down, telling myself not to be sad that soon id be going back home. somewhere down the line i went through a phase where i didnt really like coming to bombay. the city was hot and smelly and the house was not like it used to be. and whenever we made short trips, i would desperately wait till we returned to bangalore. i would count the days till when we would leave. i think it had a lot to do with growing up and the life i have in bangalore. changes and growth and friends and people and happenings made me miss bangalore when i was in bombay. i havent spent a long 2-month summer here in years now. we've only made short trips in the recent past, most of which i made alone.

niyu lives here now and the house is different. home is like second home now. iv watched ammama and ajju grow old, their love and warmth and foffee only grows younger and fresher by the day. yogi mam and kavitakka have moved out and back in to this home with a family of the most adorable and handful of trouble boys and the house is again bustling with all that used to make it "home" and for the first time in a long long time, i dont want to go back to bangalore.

i can almost sense the pangs of missing bombay and wanting to come back here soon, that i will feel when im back in bangalore later today. its what iv felt so many times before, when i was younger. when moving and shifting around and travelling was easy and i didnt feel bound to anything.

today i feel like iv come a full circle.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

joyful, joyful

100% happiness movie this was. sister act 2.

this one gave me goosebumps and filled my eyes up.

and then it takes off and kicks butt.

happy friendship day. hutch is charging me 1 buck a message today. USELESS.

anyway, have a joyful joyful day..

:) hee

Friday, August 03, 2007


too tired to elucidate. so im taking the easy way out.

malleswaram. confusion. hopes. mg road. vivek nagar. drive. traffic. resource. jayadev. chicku. meeting everyone. reena. sunita. drive. triton. ditch. more traffic. saatchi. shenoy. good. confident. cut throat. drive. park. walk. heat. drizzle. hunger. xerox. meridien. creative directorS. payslip. dums. cigarette butt. drive. lots more traffic. hunger. thirst. tired. confused. akshay. thinking. tears. heat. hassled. stressed for no reason. too much thinking. koramangala. plenty more traffic. park. walk. lazeez. chicken roll. "brew haha". alone. weird couple. mocha frappe. walk some more. white canvas. another good interview. more thinking. thank you. see you on monday. walk. drive. rediff. waiting around. arrogance. useless meeting. diss. cheap. throw away. dejected. walk. drive. gym like a maniac. hot. shower. chill. dinner. drive. fun. coffee. pj. ugliest woman on earth. worst hair on earth. laugh. laugh. laugh. drive home. music. joe crocker. nickelback. nitin sawhney. rhcp. david gray.

the calm after the crazy din. always made crazier by me and my head and the things it thinks up.

5 interviews. positive responses. some not even worth remembering. 1 offer. still waiting..

its been one crazy week. unnecessarily emotional and dramatic in my head. more so the last 3 days. driven all over this friggin town through bitching traffic, meeting weird random people, telling them my dreams, getting advice, feeling shitty, feeling inadequate, stepping up, thinking about what i want, counting on the gut feelings.. i feel like SO MUCH has happened in such a short time. and at times it felt like too much to undertake and pull off.

but im going to sleep one satisfied soul tonight. so id say it was worth it.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

i have...

work. and my mind has gotten moving. rolling.
creativity. and the ideas flow. unstoppably.
music. teardrop. it soothes.
computer. refreshing change from the old, slow laptop.
reading up. lots of material to churn in my mind.

im peaced out.

"those days, of warm rains come rushing back to me
miles of windless, summer night air
secret moments, shared in the heat of the afternoon
out of the stillness, soft spoken words.."

Tuesday, July 31, 2007


theres a fine line between being in a relationship and having a really good friend. its easy to mix up the two. and when you do, hearts get broken.

its all just too sad to watch.

Monday, July 30, 2007

going round in circles..

when im confused, happy, unhappy, tired, bugged, sad, lonely, ecstatic, excited, anything..theres only one person i call first to share it with.

stupid songs mean a whole lot more. theres memories associated with almost every song i hear.

everything i see or do reminds me of the past.

when i need to be heard out no matter what im blabbing about, i can only think of one person.

advice, sharing the way i feel, listening unendingly..i can only think of one person.

and yet, i continue to fight the moonlight. am i going round in one big circle? is this really taking me somewhere? somewhere i belong? how long will i continue to fight?

Sunday, July 29, 2007

i feel far away

been far away for far too long. far away from everything that i hold dear. everything that makes me who i am. its a sinking sort of feeling.

we chase after the silliest things in the hope of being happy. and sometimes all it takes is a tiny misunderstanding and a few moments to just splatter all over. beyond repair. beyond rebuilding. makes you wonder..why do we do the things we do? why do we have such weird personal definitions of happiness? what does it mean to really be happy? why does so much of it depend on the outside? what others give to us? the perfect job? peace and calm at home? being understood by those who matter? peaceful friendships and meaningful relationships?

what happened to those simple joys in life? cliche as it sounds, whatever happened to them?! its so hard to see meaning in solitude. in a day well spent with myself. looking within. doing things for me for a change. iv become a slave to the outside world. all my pleasure, contentment and happiness seems to come from the outside world and all the stimuli its throwing at me. movies, restaurants, friends outside, hanging out, roaming around aimlessly.

i think iv hit saturation. im so far away from who i used to be.

"hold on to me, never let me go"

random thoughts on a sunday afternoon

i wish i could bury myself in my books rather than my thoughts
i need to get down to finding myself that d80
there are very few people who REALLY get me
in retrospect i am amazed at realising who those few people are
is there some way to instantly change ones state of mind
i want to go to bandipur one weekend
hampi beckons also
funnily, the beach is no.3 or no.4 on the list at the moment
i wish i did more to be around for the people who take pains to stay in touch
iv wasted too much time, effort and emotion in things that will lead to a dead end
happiness is a state of mind that i can sustain if i choose to
working out has brought a lot of endorphins and happiness back in to my life
theres simple joys in seeing people happy
is there really a happily ever after
not everybody understands that
sometimes it hurts me to see that go unnoticed
am i really a closed book
is it hard to get through to me
am i hard to deal with
am i hard to understand
is it difficult to talk to me
should i really care
what does it mean to be really 100% at peace with everything
acceptance is the only way to go it seems
i miss the shnuggums
i miss what little "certainty" and predictability i had
it scares me to think that in on year or less my life might change completely
or not, and thats equally scary
it makes me incredibly happy to think that niyu is having a blast in bombay at college
i love hearing avneesh babble in what he thinks is perfectly understandable hindi/marathi/konkani
i like being able to tune out and read all afternoon
i want to watch a whole stack of dvds all day, one day
i want to go back to europe soon
can i really let go if i wanted to bad enough
i want to stop, chuck, start over afresh
everything must go
new choices, new people, new feelings new situations, new reality

happiness lies in being able to sort out unconnected meandering thoughts and put it all down. its like going in reverse in your mind and thinking back all thats swimming through your brain.

Friday, July 27, 2007

time travel

did a little clean up of sorts. actually because i was hunting for cds niyu asked to be sent to bombay for her. yeah she sent me this long list of things, which demanded a mini treasure hunt with myself, to locate and put together. anyway, while looking for her talvin singh cd (which i ultimately didnt find. argh.) i found a sony cd, in a cracked plastic case, with my lobsters handwriting scrawled from edge to edge of the jacket. the playlist includes:
- my vision - jakatta feat. seal
- days go by - dirty vegas
- mundiyan to bachke - punjabi mc
- bhangra nights - husan (radio edit)
- shiny disco balls - who da funk
- chase the sun - planet funk
- rapture - ilo
- bhangra knights - bhangra knights
- played-a-live - safri duo
- phenomenon - ll cool j
- hypnotise - notorious big
- changes - tupac shakur
- california love - tupac feat. dr dre
- bonnie and clyde '03 - jay z feat beyonce knowles
- sunset - nitin sawhney
- aisha - khaled

and i immediately knew where it was from. music can transport me back in time. i have strong associations with particular kinds of music. various trips in life. various songs or sets of songs that saw me through a particular time in life. this cd belonged to the summer of 2003. between std 12 and college. the end of the drudgery that was school and the beginning of sweet freedom (or so we thought!). and i was immediately transported. i could almost recollect the past like a set of frames from a memory.

pondi. linen pants. green shades. hip hop. walking on mg rd, pondicherry. sleeveless vests. hippie clothes. cycles. fried rice and butter chicken. discman connected to computer speakers. blaring music in the aurobindo ashram. expensive dinners. shopping. bikes. beaches. bus rides. spinn. lots and lots of partying till we dropped. spinn on wednesday night. spinn on saturday night. spinn on friday and sunday nights also. endless afternoons spent on brigade rd. coffee day. lack of money. sitting at a coffee shop and ordering water. swearing we'd be friends for life. all for one. wide eyed and hpeful about the future. apprehension about college. glad to be leaving schol behind. friendships forged by habit. newness of love and happiness. bliss like iv never known before. freedom, innocence, simple pleasures.

it was the summer that changed my life in more ways than one. nothing was ever quite the same.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

blissed. and i dont know why.

im happy today. and im recording the moment. and the feeling.

and i think a lot of it had to do with spending time with being with the lobster in the day, the utts and the viju aunty last night. it felt like going back to the old days. like going back to who i was. like going back to when i was even happy, at all times, with slight variations in mood and emotion. it reminded me of the old me. before and when i was in college. when i was content, happy days and smiles all the time. when things didnt bother me. when nothing was too big a deal.

outside of this, theres no real apparent reason why i should feel this way. its unexplained. but im blissed and im loving it.

it feels good. and i know a lot of it has to do with constantly making mental notes to be calm and not lose it and not be affected. to smile. to ask. to talk. to forget. to not expect. to accept. to give up. to just let it be. to not fight it. it go with it.

im not even restless. physically or mentally. i havent felt this way in days.

and i just want to BE. and soak it in.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

down time

i have too many questions zipping through my tiny little head. and i hate to feel like im carrying the burden of all the worlds problems on my head, but sometmes one feels that way no? not literally, but like you want to escape into a little hole. and to the outside world its always like "whats the big deal..", but deep down i know im tugging and yanking at some really major decisions for myself. and its not easy.

i want to go to the sea. sit by the water, listen to the the sound of the sea and pray that i can listen to the answers deep within me. answers that only i can give myself. answers that have to come from the depth of my mind, my heart. i need some down time.


iv been living from one saturday to the next. saturday cycles i call them. because nothing that happens in between really is of any consequence. i mean things happen and they're all momentary.. but when saturday comes its bliss. and i have to let it all go now.. its bothering me big time..

no more photography
no more movies
no more breakfast
no more hanging out mindlessly
no more boring shopping
no more drives
no more talking
no more just being
no more saturday bliss

its weird how you can let something grow on you so much. you never think you could end up missing it if you didnt have it.

i miss it.

"i need a sign, to let me know you're here.."
calling all angels

Saturday, July 21, 2007

lets waste time

its 7 26 am. i suddenly woke up with a start. and this song was stuck in my head.

with its heavy riffs and strings and deeply melancholic tones.

all that i am, all that I ever was
is here in your perfect eyes
theyre all i can see

i dont know where
confused about how is well
just know that these things will never change for us at all

Friday, July 20, 2007

so not flowery

if it sucks to tell the truth, it should be known that it hurts twice as much to hear the truth and accept it. to digest it. to watch it dig a hole to the pit of your stomach. to allow it to shred your very being up.

i want to go to a beach far far away. where nothing is governed by how much one tries or how much one makes an effort or how much one is physically matter.

with flowers and beauty and emptiness. sweet smells. happy faces. no expectations. no bitterness. no coming and going. no ending and beginning. just plain old stand still stark existence.

we'll find a place together

fly away on my zephyr
i feel it more then ever
and in this perfect weather
we'll find a place together

in the water where the scent of my emotion
all the world will pass me by
fly away on my zephyr
we're gonna live forever

theres just no easy way to say it. i cannot explain. words dont mean what i feel or what i want to say. what i dream of. what i hold on to so tight because im SO afraid it will just fly away one day. i still try. and im afraid i always will. and i might not always be able to take what comes my way..

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

mahatenne, sri lanka, june 2007

i watched in awe... the rain came down in bits and torrents..
cleansed the already crispy clean air. washed it off and made way for new air. space. wind. rain.
and brought with it rain smells, wet earth, fresh leaf smell, rain smells, rain bugs.
and then the clouds came down and entered the room..

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


in a terrible hurry
hopeless romantic
wide eyed
easily excited
easily happy

no prizes for guessing who im talking about..
can someone turn me in a butterfly please? so i can just fly away without a care..

Monday, July 16, 2007

tongue-tied and twisted

theres not much point to being in love.
is it supposed to liberate you? and not tie you down?
where do you draw the line, betwen what you want, what you need..and what you can have?
how much is too much?
what is a compromise? what makes you sure its worth it?
where do gut feelings come into play?
why do i feel like its just some twisted, unncessary, fucked up emotion.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

after a long, long time

in memory of:
tree climbing days
the nut tree
young, youthful days of the past
math lessons in the trees
forgotten joys
the joys of "the wild"


VC. dumms. dummy. bums. paaaa-aaaaa-aapa.

resource. meetings. conference room. frescos. dessert. chocolate. pebbles. casino royale. dhoom 2.

anejhari. trip. trek. beach. mangalore. aeroplane. take off. landing. bangalore. mysore. sankey wankey. walk. run. laugh. smile. tickle. cry.

movies. momos. photography. casas. us and them. old and new. together and otherwise.

cheeks. eyelashes.

upside down.

from vc to dummsy.
we've seen it all.
i think.

Friday, July 13, 2007


people they come together. people they fall apart.
no one can stop us now. we are all made of stars.

a few facts

  1. i havent read a single harry potter
  2. i havent watched all the harry potter movies
  3. i think iv watched two.. i think
  4. i cant tell dumbledore from voldemort
  5. i dont know what the big fuss is about (and i know someone whos going to say "ehh you dont know anything da!")
  6. im not acting ike my life depends on the new harry potter
  7. no, the sky is not falling just because the movie has released
  8. i secretly wish someone would just TELL me the stories because i dont want to read those big fat books

Thursday, July 12, 2007


where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

aftereffects of yuck long island iced tea

oh the madness.
and the memories.
and the wowe. and the lowe. and the dowe.
and the happy puppy. and mr smiley ball.
and the crazy times. and the happy times. and the angry times.
oh the wowe.

Monday, July 09, 2007


someone really should start making some chill pills. like real pills to chill your dil.

imagine that. you shove it in your food, or in the food of someone you think is hyper stressed out, and it causes you to go instantly to sleep. and when you wake you you're all calm and chill and OMMMMM.

hear me, someone!!

Sunday, July 08, 2007

i dislike..

...not being talked to decently.
especially when one does make the effort.

maybe its me that has the problem. maybe i expect too much. maybe i want to just quit and give up. maybe im not cut out. maybe the time isnt right. maybe things just arent like i imagined them to be.

the unbearable weight of emptiness

theres a shallow hollowness inside of me.
if i reach/look/feel inside i feel/see/touch emptiness.
yet thoughts pace back and forth.
no beginning and no end.
winding unending inconclusive thoughts that dont mean much to begin with anyway.
if you asked me what im thinking, i wouldnt be able to say.
because i dont know.
it feels like a lot of things.
but its probably nothing at all.
or maybe it is.
im not sure.

something is stuck.
stuck inside me.
in my heart.
maybe my mind.
emotional soul.
and it has no voice.

there is dissatisfaction.
could it be a weird mixture of all this?

then why does it feel so bad?
why do i feel so empty?

for nostalgia sake

times have changed and times are strange
here i come, but i aint the same

times gone by seem to be
you could have been a better friend to me

you took me in and you drove me out
yeah you had me hypnotized
lost and found and turned around by the fire in your eyes

you made me cry, you told me lies
but I cant stand to say goodbye

i could be right, i could be wrong
hurts so bad, its been so long
mama im coming home

i REALLY miss the old days.
im bleah and feeling weird. confused and very dunno-what-the-word-is. its like im stuck in a moment from the past. i cannot get out of it. it haunts me, with no conclusions. its leading me nowhere.

i just want some familiarity. i want to go home.


her. me. together. differences. laughter. fights. angst. happiness. caring. nurturing. concern. only the best. oodles of happiness. all my life. courage. support. truthfulness. resilient. adjusting. flexible. rigid. stern. scary eyes. loud booming voice. musician beyond compare. all together and so there. firm. assertive. giving. easily convinced. super efficient. enthusiastic. calm. composed. pensive. quiet. know-it-all. doctor. friend. emotional vent. psychiatrist. psychologist. homoeopath. comforter. guide. anger. secrets. confrontation. simmering feelings. so much love. confusion. respect. strength. conviction. unchanging. outspoken. ups and downs.

and after all that, just so much love. i dont think i could ever match up..or even compare. no matter how hard i tried.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

human art!

its called japanese human art and you have to watch closely to believe it..
bloody brilliant!

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

tata bye

last week i officially said a happy goodbye to the maddest, wackiest, most wonderful, diverse, eccentric, spirited and seemingly together group of people iv worked with for just over a year now.

if you're wondering why everyone is dressed like such a wackjob, blame it on the theme. the mismatch party was a blast. j and mrs j were the best..going all the way with the theme and entertaining us so much. the other entertainment had me rolling with laughter till my sides hurt and tears streamed down my face. the nostalgic film for the 4 exitters was so goddamn touching i had to try so hard not to choke and create a big scene. tp and i sang (well we tried to..) dekha na hai re socha na hai re...blah blah.. dedicated to the simova room porkies. the picture sessions were fun. what with pandu looking like an eminem sidekick and wanting pictures with each of us. and every single person then paraded down the centre of the room, strutting their stuff in al their mismatched splendour. tee shirts with ties. mismatched shoes, pink wigs, skirt and a hijab..sigh. im so going to miss the fun. goodbyes are so hard.

it was like saying goodbye to family. you go away but you'll always be in touch. and you will go back one day.

Monday, July 02, 2007

heart. in repair.

too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right

john mayer is the new found favourite. because he tugs and begs to be heard. and makes you want to keep listening. and when you do, he reaches out beneth your skin and fits himself so right, so close to you that you want to hold on. like you do to a warm comfortable pillow. he means what i want to mean.

i bought continuum just yesterday. and i think i might wear the cd out if i keep going this way.

hes just so sigh. so rainy weather and hot put it in an oh so cliche way. but its brilliantly mellow and twang on music.

i like. i like a lot.

ps: this gaana on blog thing also i like. its like sharing what im listening to and feeling. i think its going to be a once a week thing.

pps: he's hot. and he's not even bald!

Sunday, July 01, 2007

all in a day

gathering thoughts from an empty blank nasty mind..
toothpaste. puri. aaloo. newspapers. brigade coronet. long drive. astrologer. australia. marriage. long drive back. lunch. egg curry. coffee day. uttara. smoke. laughter. reminiscing. blue tooth. picturs. irish coffee. cream. vivek. burger. drive. rain. red swift. frank. bomi. noon wines. red wine. happy. mellow smooth high. walk. drizzle. james. pussy tickler. koshys. bombay toast. laugh. talk. share. poke fun. punch. pinch. walk. brigade road. crossing. planet m. continuum. achtung baby. namesake. metro. walk. drive. rain. mg road. vivek. chilli paneer. kulcha. o and m. meridian. carpenters. bangalore by night. ice cream. drive. home. bliss.
sleepy. zombie. bored. anticipating. excited. painful. happy. sigh. nostalgic. excited. liberated. dreamy. in love. blissed out. high. hyper. exciteable. uncontrollable. satisfied. appeased. tired. exhausted. chilled out. calm. peaceful. distracted. perturbed. distant. blissed. ecstatic. sad. sad. sad. sleepy. slow. surprised. warm. lovely. confused. nostalgic. troubled. wondering...

Saturday, June 30, 2007

storm by the sea

beautiful storm clouds do exist.
i saw them in sri lanka.

Friday, June 29, 2007

die hard 4.0

i watched it yesterday!! at an exclusive preview. considering faithful BP from office only called me at 6 30 to say i could go for the movie, because she finally got me passes, it was pretty much close to impossible getting to pvr in time for the show. or so i thought.. but we made it and it was my very first time at pvr so that was another highlight.

i dont remember much from the previous die hards, but this one lived up to all my expectations of first class american super hero + mindless action + unbelievable twists in the plot + deadly good predictable suspense that keeps u lingering on just till the last minute + with the newest obsession: internet terrorism..oh and of course some near and dear one gets held hostage eventually. HAHA..

its funny how sometimes the more unrealistic it is, the more mindless it is, the more unbelievable and stupendous it is, the more riveting it is. and has you completely engrossed and so glued, that you come out wanting to beat a few people, shoot a gun and fall out of plane..and survive it. so john mclane takes on these terrorists, singlehandedly and manages to overcome the a national crisis. thereby saving the enitre country, in true hollywood style. not without destroying a few thousand cars, people dying all around the place, bridges, tunnels, roads, helicopters getting crumpled and destroyed and strewn all around..and he survives it all. and chooses to live free..

john mclane is a confirmed maniac. you can see it in his eyes. some classic lines that had me giggling..
  • the hacker kid mclane is trying to save, asks him: why are you so calm?? have you done this kind of stuff before?
  • the kid asks a badly injured and bleeding mclane: you okay? and mclane says: il let you know in a minute.
  • hacker kid to mclane after a huge explosion where mclane sends his car crashing into the helicopter: you just killed a helicopter with a car! mclane: yeah i was out of bullets.
  • hacker kid to mclane after yet another large explosion: did you see that?!? mclane coolly answers: yeah I saw it, I did it!

if i havent ruined it enough already, go see it.

Thursday, June 28, 2007

whats been and gone

when words dont do enough, you need a song to make some sense..

hold up
hold on
dont be scared
you'll never change whats been and gone
may your smile shine on
dont be scared
your destiny may keep you warm

because all of the stars are fading away
just try not to worry you'll see them some day
take what you need and be on your way
and stop crying your heart out

get up
come on
why you scared
you'll never change whats been and gone

under the bridge


..the waterfall!

"tears stream down your face,
when you lose something you cant replace."

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

iv been flying..

oh let the sun beat down upon my face..stars fill my dreams

i had a dream. crazy dream. anything i wanted to know, any place i needed to go..

over the hills where the spirits fly..


a breath of fresh air.

a forgotten smile.

a distant dream.

a glimmer of hope.

a refreshing change.

a replenished sense of self.

a new found confidence.

a new gratefulness.

a feeling of completion.

a lasting emotion.

a bright new beginning.

a reminder in the middle of the night.

a good morning. every morning.

a peaceful calm.


a comforting embrace.
honest. stark. gentle.
refreshing. new. blissful.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


give it time, they said.
and the waiting hurt. and the expectation yanked and tugged. and pulled me in a million different directions.

now, theres no expectation.
theres no giving time anymore.
because iv stopped waiting.

iv turned off the light and shut the door behind me. sweet dreams.

this thing im feeling

theres a kind of loneliness i feel sometimes. combined with a deep gut wrenching hurt, and concern and pondering about things i dont know anymore. its sort of like beating around in the dark, at i dont know what and trying to find i dont know what, and turning up unsuccessful anyway. its a terrible sort of loneliness. and what makes it worse is that its the kind of loneliness i can share with nobody but myself. even if i tried, i wouldnt be able to share it to ease it.

its inexplicable and seems unresolvable. will i just sit here and wonder? will i just dream and hope blindly? will something good come of it? will the tears wash it away? will time heal the way i feel? should i do what i feel like? knowing that it will most positively only bring more pain? is there really a way out of this? will i ever feel the way i used to? is it time for me to really let go and accept and forget? how long will it be before the unimaginable happens? before the unthinkable surprises me like a slap in the face? shaking me out of this terrible sleep.

im going home.. back to the place where i belong..

Friday, June 22, 2007

do you have to??

do you have to let it linger?


i want:
chicken pepper soup
spicy rasam
hot water and honey
nimbu chai
masala chai
wanton soup
hot chocolate
steamed momos
warm toast and butter
hot water in the tub
a big warm never ending hug
throat soother

i have:
rainy weather
aching limbs

and im miserable, all of a sudden.

Thursday, June 21, 2007


today, i got to drive out in my car, after a long time. around noon. when the traffic is not half bad. and people are lazy and not in a tearing hurry to get places..i think.

the weather was brilliant. the sun was shining lightly, behind the clouds. the sky was grey, but not gloomy. the drizzle seemed like it was fresh. it wasnt pouring..just a cool light drizzle.

and i made my way, slowly through the city all the ay to st marks rd. and then i found myself a parking spot. just outside where i needed to go. parallel parking. but large enough spot for me to manouver my tiny car into. happiness.

and then i walked..felt the drizzle, and the gentleness of the cool breeze against my face.
and i thought to myself..what a lovely city.


Wednesday, June 20, 2007

too much??

i wonder if there is such a thing as too much love.

Monday, June 18, 2007


il be thinking about you..
il be thinking about you..

Sunday, June 17, 2007

are you??

"open your eyes, look within. are you satisfied with the life you're living?" --bob marley

Saturday, June 16, 2007

what will be.. will be

im not good with change. its not a good thing to be that way but im just not good with it. it takes a long long time for me to chew and swallow and digest and accept and assimilate change. its a bad thing to be this way, but i dont know what i can do for an instant reversal to a more accepting and let-it-be-ish attitude towards things.

i cannot digest how things have changed. i cannot get myself to accept and peacefully make my peace with the fact that this is it, the new scheme of things and theres nothing i can do or fight any longer, to make things otherwise.

what used to be has passed me by. what is, is too confusing and disturbing to fathom. well maybe not disturbing, but not easy.

i dont like what become of certain things in my life. but i think what i dont like is the fact that i have to reorient myself and adjust to a new pattern of things. the change by itself is a good thing, im just having a hard time breaking an old habit. know what i mean? its like never wanting to get rid of an old pair of socks, even though they're torn and fail to do the job of a decent pair of socks. they get so comfortable and take the shape of your feet, and feel all snug and warm, yet you know something is not right when you see them gaping holes.

small steps. one step at a time i guess. sometimes alone. sometimes joyous. sometimes together. sometimes in company. sometimes dejected. but always getting ahead. sigh. il stop. bottom line is, i have a hard time dealing with change. and i think it comes out in very strange and odd ways.

Friday, June 15, 2007

lonely view

with birds i share this lonely view...

people are strange.
happiness lies in momos and laughter. and oh yes, an alergy ridden james too.

rang barse

i love the music in this one. i love the voice. i love the colour. but i do not endorse the product or the service :D

this ones for you my goofy-kookie-dummass-shangoo.

Thursday, June 14, 2007


pools of sorrow
waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
possessing and caressing me

lots of feeling. criss crossing thoughts. all happy and bursting at the seams with excitement. like the opening of a door to let the hot sun shine through.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


saw this on the ellen degeneres show yesterday.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

sun burnt

i visited sri lanka. i ate. i slept. i laughed. i cried. i stuffed face some more. i slept. i lazed. i drank. i watched. i was amazed. i loved. i missed. i was thrilled. i was happy pink. i was impressed. i was depressed. i shopped. i was disgusted. i was hurt. i missed. i sun bathed. i swam. i gazed. i am burnt. i am fat-ter. i am happy.

i am back. i am refreshed. i am happy.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

so long...

im off!
to a land not so far away...
maybe il come back with shells. maybe sand. maybe the sunshine. maybe the sea. maybe new clothes. maybe satiated with sea food. maybe maybe maybe..
maybe all of that and so much more..
i cannot wait.

miss me. leave me lots of comments to come back and look forward to!


im quitting work pretty soon. of the many things im going to miss, "T/CIR" is one of them.
it happens twice a day. once in the morning and once in the evening. and we all trudge up the spiral staircase together or by ourselves for T/CIR.

i used to have coffee. now i just have hot lemon tea. without milk.

im going to miss the gazebo. im going to miss the view. im going to miss the laughter. im going to miss T/CIR.

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

im in love

my newest obsession.
make that OBSESSION.

im in love again. i like the near-bald sort. i like the grubby stubble. i like the black clothes. i love the song.

im feeling cheesy teeny-bopper. im actually in love with squeaky JT!

Sunday, May 27, 2007

across the sea...

next monday i will fly across to a small, but rather dangerous island they call sri lanka.
im slightly apprehensive. for many reasons. other than the unrest around there.
but imagine...
no cell phone.
no internet.
no telephone.
no work.
no routine.
8 days of complete disconnect.
and 8 days of sun sand and sea. maybe some rain.
maybe its what i need.
maybe coming back will be like coming back to life. maybe maybe.
im excited. most of all, because im going to the sea. theres something very soothing and calming and peaceful about the endlessness of the sea.
and i need it now.

20 q's with myself

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it.
weird thing on my right shin. got it from breaking my leg when i was 6. i could swear on myself it sill feels tingly and sensitive when someone touches it.

2. What is on the walls in your room?
one wall is a big black wall that we can scribble on with chalk. one wall has a medley of random stuff. a charlie chaplin poster, john abraham pictures, the dalai lama, pictures my baby cousins drew.

3. Whats your phone like?
its cool. black and steel. chunky and very bright. i love it.

4. What music do you listen to?
just about anyfuckingthing. from led zeppelin to hindi music to fergie and justin timberlake and indian music. right now its what goes around comes around. and i love it.

5. What is your current desktop picture?
nothing. its black.

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
peace of mind and understanding.

7. Do you believe in gay marriage?
yeah i guess. people in love should be together. for life. if they so wish.

8. What time were you born?
shucks, i cant remember.

9. Are your parents still together?
very much.

10. What are you listening to?
JT baby. what goes around comes around.

11. Do you get scared of the dark?
yes. an awful lot, lately.

12. The last person to make you cry?
i do believe it was myself.

13. What is your favorite perfume/cologne?
CK eternity for men. dior-addict. axe-voodoo.

14. What kind of hair/eye colour do you like on the opposite sex?
brown eyes. black hair.

15. Do you like pain killers?
like?? no. but sometimes i cant do without them.

16. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

17. Favorite pizza topping?
chicken tikka. pepperoni. cheese. herbs.

18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
more mango.

19. Who was the last person you made mad?
vivek. i think.

20. Is anyone in love with you?
im not sure anymore.

post 180 :D

scattered pieces. broken lines.

its been a strange day.
i woke up at ten. i was out of the house in less than 40 minutes.
i washed my hair at the parlour. it was sweet. and smelt awesome.
dummy wore a kurta again.
we took pictures.
i lunched at vanita auntys.
its been ages since i hung out with family. even my own.
there were babies.
i havent met shreesh and wife and kids in something like 4 years.
families are happy.
i was stuffed.
tons of yumm lunch. bisi bele bath (yes, bath :D), mentya tambli, sandige, raita, saaru, payasa and chocolate. like i said, stuffed.
met with james in the evening.
koshy's. super strong coffee. passive smoking. bombay toast. with lime. sweet.
hits the happy spot. spot on.
lots of laughter. mad laughter.
james should be an actor.
psychadelic wall papers. bluetooth transfers.
niyu took pictures for her portfolio.
more laughter.
weird mood swing. confused.
the rain came down. so bad.
we couldnt walk to cotton world. so we laughed some more. and took the car.
dumbasses rule bangalore's roads. took us close to 15 (maybe more) minutes to get from st marks to barton centre.
cotton world is closed on sunday.
what goes around comes around. sub woofer. orgasmic sound.
james i love your car :)
more photo sessions at home.
feet, toes, half faces. light and shadow. sepia and vivid tones.
mangoes and hot chocolate for dinner.
TV so sucks on a sunday evening.
strange bliss from numbness.
should i meditate? i need to slow down.

sometimes when you ignore the present, it goes away. temporarily.
only temporarily.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

round in circles

fighting a losing battle all alone.

going round in circles.

no solutions.

nothing makes sense anymore.

everythings torn.

what used to be, isnt anymore.

what lies ahead is blurry.

the pain doesnt go away.

something makes me go back again and again.

and the hurt hurts and haunts me over and over again.

its like i should've learnt my lesson already but i havent.

"and i dont want the world to see me,
cos i dont think that they'd understand.
when everything's meant to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am."

Sunday, May 20, 2007

no sense?

i need a clean slate.
a fresh start.
from ground zero.
a new day, new life.

someone just told me:
dont take care of yourself
just go with the flow
at some point you'll wake up an smell the coffee...

maybe i should try that.

and if this makes no sense, dont try to understand it.
il be back when things are clearer and i can understand me.

Sunday, May 13, 2007


love deeply and passionately. you might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007



if you're checking the link, read option 2.

i know now what you meant when you posted "TFU". i feel it too.

things stop making sense.
things spiral out of control.
and all i can do is stand and watch.
everything is a mess.

Monday, May 07, 2007

its a miracle

its a miracle. jee had a baby boy. 2 days after my birthday. and its all too surreal and overwhelming to digest. time has changed so much so soon. jee and shan now have a family. it stands for hope and for love. and i was very emotional. though i tried hard not to show it.

akshay held jeeshaan (heehehe) junior and i saw a side of him iv never seen before. all in all it was one emotional rollercoaster ride that 30 minutes or so, that we spent in that insipid hospital room. my mind was all over the place. a tumult of emotions.

im overly happy for jee and shan. and im sure baby jeeshan will be a doll.. im sure he'll have jee's super curly hair and he'll have shans eyes. he already had a very prominent jee nose. he has perfectly formed long slender fingers and perfect nails. he has a head full of hair and he smelt sweet like olive oil. his skin was smooth like nothing iv felt before. he didnt open his eyes the whole time. he did smile in his sleep and i saw the two most perfectly formed and cute dimples. one on either side. and i secretly hope they do name him ayaan.

Friday, May 04, 2007

let it be

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”

Saturday, April 28, 2007


its all over. and all i have left is hurt and disappointment. funnily, not so much sadness. maybe thats because i havent had the time to sit and think about it and let it sink in. so all i have is the disappointment. disappointment because i think we deserved better. i think i expected better. i thought it would be different.

maybe that was the problem. maybe what i imagined never was. and never will be. and i was just deluding myself all along. because if it was what i thought it was, then it would show by now.

half of me died today.
and the other half cant move on.

Friday, April 27, 2007


when wevu met haathi..

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

me. today. NOW.

theres things iv realised about myself and situations iv been in. some things i already knew. somethings i discovered anew. somethings we reinforced. somethings make me happy. somethings make me devastatingly sad.

im incredibly moody these days. i think it has something to do with having a tumultous mixture of shitloads of up and down emotions. all too much for you to make complete sense of. i can be giggling with inexplicable heady happiness and in hardly any time at all im down in the dumps, moping around over spilt milk, curd gone sour, fungus on a sandwich that got left outside overnight. sometimes i wonder if any of it is real.

its really easy to be happy when i put my mind to it. but its really hard to snap out of a funk, when im really unhappy.

hurt doesnt go away easy. it haunts me. and along with the hurt are memories, which is like the flipside. hurt and memories go together. i guess thats why the hurt hurts that much more, and the memories are that much more special. will i ever be completely free? sometimes i wake up in the midle of the night, thinking random things from the past. happy memories make me smile when im half asleep. when its a sentimental, nostalgic memory i sometimes cry. the next day, it feels worse. but pretty soon it goes away.

what i crave the most is to feel secure. when i dont feel it, i get terribly uneasy. i mean security of all kinds. secure that the day will be smooth. secure that lunch will be good. secure that i wont get in a tiff with anyone. secure that my work will be accepted. secure that my parents are not secretly upset about something. secure that those i care about know that i do, even when im too busy not showing it. secure that the next few months will go oky after all. secure that things will work out. secure that that unknown future, whatever it may be, will be alright.

i dont have too many friends i can close my eyes and know i can depend on. and the only people that come to mind, are slipping away.

i realise that its unfair to be in a confused state of mind and drag others into it. this is probably the most confusing and weird time of my life. weird as it may seem. because in a lot of ways it is the best time of my life. with independence and age and responsibility comes a lot of thinking and unnecessary tension. it takes a while getting used to it.

iv become incredibly restless. when i quit and sit at home, its going to be pretty darned tough to get my life back to what it used to be. and make it have some semblance of a respectable and productive routine. god help me.

what i am, is a product of what i make myself be through the times iv been through. weird as that may sound. think about it. its probably true for you as well.

im now close to being a cola addict. funny how i didnt much fancy the stuff when nobody cacred what went into it. now that its a confirmed pesticide and toilet cleaner and proven to be oh so fucking unhealthy, i crave it everyday.

i miss the happy times. and by happy i mean the days of summer holidays and vela time and the uncertainty of what lay ahead.

i miss youth. i want the future to open out its arms and engulf me. i need a new time and space.

Sunday, April 22, 2007

old and new

hanging with the poo and the zoo. its a symbol.
we have changed but we're still the same..
after all that we've been through, i know we're cool.

in more ways than one..

Friday, April 20, 2007

crazy co

something under 365 days ago. a journey. in under a day. insane. ridiculous. stupid.
but just so much goddamn fun.

when i was younger. careless. ridiculous. stupid. but it was just so much goddamn fun.
now is a time of serious calculated manipulated moves.

waste of bloody time. being free is better.