Monday, October 30, 2006

the voice, above the din

sometimes a "cheesy" song means everything you want to say. im resorting to quoting a song again. and i havent felt this "honest" and expressive in a long while. lets hope its not misinterpreted for more than it is.

too many views on life being thrust on me. actually its just one view on life thats being dinned into me. but it seems to have no effect on me. i think thats what irks the opposition. my view on life is alive. its struggling to stay alive, screaming, ever so feebly, above the din of everyday life. i can still hear it. it speaks only to me. to everyone else its comes through as a bunch of garbage. to be discarded and thrown away for something else. something some third person is doling out. how can i fit into someone elses clothes? how can what worked for so many others, (just because it did) be expected to work for me? am i not so drastically different from what they think i am? dont they see it? is it really that hard?

since when has being different, or being slow to find your way, come to mean being a "problem"? a psychological disorder? all i know is i want to find my way, MY way.

i want to run
i want to hide
i want to tear down the walls that hold me inside
i want to reach out and touch the flame
where the streets have no name
i want to feel sunlight on my face
i see the dust cloud disappear without a trace
i want to take shelter from the poison rain
where the streets have no name
we're still building then burning down love
and when i go there, i go there with you
its all i can do
the citys aflood and our love turns to rust
we're beaten and blown by the wind, trampled in dust
il show you a place high on a desert plain where the streets have no name
when i go there, i go there with you
its all i can do

and i can still hear the voice, above the din of everyday life. its telling me things nobody else does.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

just me and myself tonight

i need a sign to let me know you're here
all of the lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
i need to know when things are going to look up
cause i feel us drowning like a sea spilled from a cup
when there is no place safe and no safe place to put my head
when you can feel the world shake from the words that are said
and im calling all angels

for the first time ever, im completely and utterly alone. i wish angels were actual, real things. im absolutely speechless. hurt. dejected. disappointed. worthless.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Sunday, October 22, 2006


3 days of the 4-day weekend have passed. i wont say its been a holiday well spent, because i REALLY wanted to go out of town. but i wont say it wasnt worth it because i have had a decent amount of fun. i chilled, i relaxed, i went out, i shopped, i met people i hadnt in a while, i hung out, i ate some really good food, i watched movies, i slept a lot, i spent quality time, we didnt fight, and we had a good time.

so what have i been upto?

stayed the night out.
spent 1.5 days watching movies.
watched the orinigal don, friends with money, monsters inc., ice age and bit and pieces of various things on tv.
chatted online.
slept in much later than usual.
hung out with pooja, who we met after 4 months.
went to stones, ate the mind numbingly delicious chilli beef, topped with beer. (ah!!)
got myself a new blue watch strap.
ate at casa piccola 3 days in a row. lunch on friday, dinner on saturday and sunday.
got my car back from the service station.
started reusing yahoo messenger.
scrapped people incessantly on orkut.
learnt to tolerate some more.
learnt that compromise is inevitable.
learnt that adjusting to something is always going to be on the agenda in life.
hung out with my baby cousins aged 10 and 1.5 years old.
lit the lamps on diwali evening.

tomorrow im going to get my car fixed again. because after 2 weeks of sitting in the service station its still not fully fixed. theres a weird film coating the entire inner surfane of my car, and it doesnt come off with water. the number plate is broken. the new window isnt tinted. the stereo head unit doesnt fit like it used to before the car went in for repairs. bloody fuckturds.

ch**th ka pakoda.
there's this loser i know. he's gotten very used to giving his "prized" opinion, his totally sorry and undesired wasted useless nuggets of information and gyaan everywhere..on anything. be it a new car in the market, the best place to buy jeans, graphic design or even "the way to lead your life". this is the stuff losers are made of. always being one-up on everybody else. pretending to be a know-it-all, when actually you're a SH*T, giving your goddamn opinion every-fucking-where, shooting your mouth like yours is the last word on everything there is to know. this was the most recent piece of gyaan he gave me. "as an adult i will keep doing by duty to tell you. what you do after that is a reflection of you, your parents and your grandparents." random. arbit. useless. thanks, you utter loser. now go get a life.

tomorrow i will hopefully eat a long awaited lunch with modhu "aunty", who is by far the collest adult i know, who puts most other adults to shame with her attitude, who iv been meaning to meet for ages now. the digger and i will trod along and stuff our faces. long live orchid.

then i will catch up with madds and anisha who i havent met in months..not long and chilled out enough.

sigh i need a longer holiday.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

restlessly lazy

new song on repeat. manu chao. por el suelo. heres how it goes. its lovely. sounds like electronic reggae to me.. i love it. calm soothing blue and end-of-the-day calming. makes me wanna sit in a room by a green lamp shade and be lazy and soak in the feeling of aching tired legs and shut my eyes and just breathe. im tired.

Por el suelo hay una compadrita
Que ya nadie se para a mirar
Por el suelo hay una mamacita
Que se muere de no respetar
Patchamama te veo tan triste
Patchamama me pongo a llorar...
Esperando la ltima ola
Cudate no te vayas a mojar
Escuchando la ltima rola
Mamacita te invito a bailar...
Por el suelo camina mi pueblo
Por el suelo hay un agujero
Por el suelo camina la raza
Mamacita te vamos a matar...
Esperando la ltima ola
Patchamama me muero de pena
Escuchando la ltima rola
Mamacita te invito a bailar...
Por el suelo camina mi pueblo
Por el suelo moliendo condena
Por el suelo el infierno quema
Por el suelo la raza va ciega...
Esperando la ltima ola
Patchamama me muero de pena
Escuchando la ltima rola
Mamacita te invito a bailar...

no idea what it means. here's a translation..

By the ground there is a compadrita
That nobody is already stopped to watch
By the ground there is a mamacita
That one dies of not respecting
Patchamama I see you so sad
Patchamama I put myself to cry…
Waiting for ltima wave
Cudate you are not going away to dunk
Listening to ltima rola
Mamacita I invite to you to dance…
By the ground my town walks
By the ground there is a hole
By the ground the race walks
Mamacita we are going to you to kill…
Waiting for ltima wave
Patchamama I die of pain
Listening to ltima rola
Mamacita I invite to you to dance…
By the ground my town walks
By the ground grinding sentence
By the ground hell burns
By the ground the race goes blinds…
Waiting for ltima wave
Patchamama I die of pain
Listening to ltima rola
Mamacita I invite to you to dance…

its a weird feeling. im tired. i had a blast at work and after today. the 4 day weekend lies ahead. i wanted to go out of town. SO FUCKING BAD. and im not. and manu chao is making me bluesy and gloomy. so melancholic. and im enjoying it. because it just feels so right. sitting here in dimmed lights. silence of the night and a whole lot to think about.

i want to kick back. go out alone. feel like myself for a change. feel like being alone. why didnt i just make up my mind and go for it? take that holiday while it beckoned? i hate compromise. i hate it. i hate it when it gets you nothing in the end. unrequited reaching-out. this is the mood to read poetry and feel all intellectually tickled and think oh-im-so-smart. but im just feeling restless. restless to get going in life. and yet something is holding me back. something is making me lazy and lethargic. and i hate it.

im sick of being stagnant. static. i need to move. i want to go out and refresh my senses.

i need a break through. while everything in life seems to be going well, i have this nagging feeling of being thwarted and being curbed and being held back. i need to break free. from what, i dont know.

maybe i need a holiday. the out-of-bangalore sort.

Monday, October 16, 2006

get my ass moving

you HAVE TO check it out. its just shaken the traveller in me, woken it out of its most deepest deadening slumber.

time to get up and get going. i need some outdoors.

Sunday, October 15, 2006


today was a food and drink and happiness day.

discovery #1: i REALLY like bloody marys today. man, i think its my new favourite drink.
discovery #2: my time management sucks. but discovery #1 made it all worth it.

utts turns 21 tomorrow. so we celebrated at a "surprise" lunch at tamarind tree, which is this really quaint lovely outdoor restaurant type place. it kind of outside the city in the wild (which will not remain so wild for much longer), and its not a walk-in kind of restaurant. you have to book it in advance and tell them what kind of food you want. it was a fun lunch. i got sufficiently high on 1 vodka-sprite and 2 bloody good bloody marys. mama..

and then after everything was done and we were on our way home the gloom set in. i dont know whats bothering me. and i cant quite pin point exactly what it is, but it feels like theres a lot on my mind. its a jumbled feeling.

do i need another bloody mary?

sitting here, listening to massive attack, which iv quite grown to like thanks to neezypeezy. its been so long since i really "listened" to any music. apart from the crap i turn on at work sometimes just so theres something playing in the background. and im feeling like things are winding down. like at the end of a race, at the end of a party, at the end of a long tiring day, at the end of a successful show, at the end of a cricket match.

in 2 days we're having an office party. (bloody mary, here i come!) the ladies are on a secret mission to freak the men out. we've created a medley of the worst, most lewd, "porkie" songs, and choreographed the worst ganpati-procession type dance to it, and stitched it together with a story involving the men at work. we're being the men. that ought to take them completely by surprise. oh yes, did i forget to mention its a secret operation.

energy low. will go get some much-needed sleep now.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

a little drama, just to say thank you

this is just a downright, im-a-nobody sort of feeling coming out to say thank you.
thank you amma, for showing me so many things i wouldnt otherwise learn myself. even though it hurts at times.
thank you anna, for putting up with me. for coming to my rescue and helping me out at midnight, out of what was actually caused by my irresponsibility.
thank you goofy, for keeping me happy and alive and well fed every now and then. and for also showing me the wiser side of things that i sometimes miss.
thank you dunkoo for just letting me be me and loving me for me and making me wish and want to believe.

thank you everything.

Friday, October 06, 2006

looking back

im on a blog low. all time low. not because i dont have anything to say. i have A LOT to say. but not enough mind space to sit and collect my thoughts. ever felt that way? like so much is happening, like everything is zipping past you and you cant get a grip on anything. like you're just getting carried away with the flow of everything. like you want the world to slow down. or stop. so you can take a breather. sigh..

so im alive. no broken anythings. long story, maybe il explain sometime.

in the meantime, here's something off the old blog. i just felt like revisiting and reading it, so thought id post it up..


i feel like we've come a long way, as a generation. we're placed exactly in the middle of the turning point of the past 2 decades..and in a way we've seen so much. we've seen everything that changed, everything thats ceased to exist or transformed itself into something new, more suited to the 'changing times'. from cricket in the gullys to endless hours of lagori, to the coming of star tv and coke and pepsi and rising inflation, pizza delivered to our doorsteps, the IT boom, terrorist attacks, riots, coke in cans [!!]...i could keep going on..

take me back to when i was 6. when i was one among the crazy, noisy gang of about 20+ children, all varying ages, screaming our guts out on a sunny afternoon. lagoreeeeee!!! what a thrill. oblivious to the cranky granny who came out to her balcony, every afternoon, religiously, to tell us to cut it out. 'afternoons are for us to nap!'

i suddenly remember the day i spent with older cousins, on a terrace..painstkingly and tediously painting an entire race track. precise and perfect to the T..trying so hard to make is as real as possible. down on all fours, black paint from tiny glass bottles. white paint to mark the track with arrows and signs. wow. and the remainder of the day was spent sitting by it watching it, waiting for it to dry. we only got to 'use' it the next day. and we spent all day carefully driving dinky cars around the track. manually.

i spent entire vacations, eagerly waking up everyday to join the rest of the gang downstairs. our day began early and somehow we managed to keep ourselves occupied all day, returning home only for meal time. cricket, hide n seek, dodge ball, monopoly, picnics to sankey tank, treasure hunts, cycling around the neighbourhood. we never got bored or tired of ourselves. it didnt matter that i was the only 6 year old amidst so many children older than me. i tagged along everywehere and i dont remember being neglected or left out. i remember being so engrossed in a game of monopoly, that i lost track of the time, only to return home at 9 pm. way past my 7 o clock curfew. but somehow it was understandable and i was quickly forgiven.

we made bike rides, a convoy of bicycles, equipped with picnic food, to sankey tank. i was too little to cycle my way there, so i endured the entire ride poised on the back of someones bike. they fought over who was more responsible and should be the one i should ride with.

school was a happy place. it was a time when you were allowed to sit beside your friend, just so you'd have someone to talk to and not feel lost and lonely on the first day of school. it was a time when you got red stars stamped on your palm at the end of the day, for being good. a time when getting to the slide before everyone else did was the greatest challenge of every day. it was a time when homework was a 10 minute affair and you came home to sing the songs you learnt at school, before your parents.

i came home to a happy home, where my new born baby sister was the centre of everyones attention, including mine. i remember how i resented being moved to another bedroom and thereby not getting to sneakily watch tv from under my covers, when i was supposed to be asleep. i didnt have the internet to log onto, no mood swings that kept me locked up in my room, no music to cut myself off from the rest of the world, only my parents and lots of time to talk and spend with them, lots of love and lots of books to occupy myself, paints and crayons and a stack of art paper on top of the refridgerator that i had to climb onto a chair to access, make shift home-made substitutes for fancy toys and loads of satisfaction and a whole lot of happy times.

days of simple pleasures. eating oranges in bed. reading myself to sleep. endless saturday afternoons engrossed in the endless world of pretend-play. i could be anything/anybody/anywhere i wanted. a time when going out for a meal with family was a special treat saved for special occasions. when i didnt know what it was to want something really bad. when i was just so happy with things the way they were. when i didnt know what growing up felt like. when recreation almost always meant being outdoors with lots of other children. everything we did, we did together. age - no bar. there was always room for everyone.

whats happened to children today? where is the community spirit? everyone and everything seems to be growing up too fast. everything has become compartmentalised and exclusive. children too rapt in their virtual worlds of play station and beyblades, computer games and cartoon network..wanting and demanding things i never imagined i could have, back when i was 6 or 7. i feel so alienated and so removed from todays reality. is this what they call a generation gap?

i watch younger cousins, neices and nephews and shudder to think what the world might come to, when i have children of my own..

where have all the children gone?

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

bad day

i want to turn back time. to the weekend that just passed. when everything was safe and secure and innocent. and there were no fuck ups. no punishments and nothing to pay for.

why did this have to happen to me? what did i do wrong? will it ever be worse?