Monday, December 28, 2009

when you want something, the universe conspires to make it happen

everytime i wished i was living by the beach...
everytime i complained about the appaling state of affairs in bangalore...
everytime i said i wanted out and wanted to leave this goddamn wrecked city...
everytime i sighed and ooh-ed and aah-ed when i saw a pretty home...
everytime i was down and out about the ups and downs of my job...
everytime i longed for a change and a challenge to break life's mundanity...
everytime i dreamed about a home of my own...
everytime i hoped for better opportunities...
everytime i wondered when id take charge of my life...

...someone was listening, and conspiring to put it all together for me.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

stealing this off romi's blog

"by the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends"

and thats exactly how i feel today. the ends were so close to meeting. and someone moved them away. and i dont have the patience or the energy or the commitment to start over.

or maybe i do. and i just dont think this place deserves it anymore?

anyhoo, i think its time to move on. this cheese and this place has gotten way to smelly for me to handle.

time to move on to better, perfumed, sunshiney pastures.

moving on has always been easy for me. the physical act of separating oneself from something and packing up and leaving, that is. im always so quick to take a decision, and do what i think is right. the "moving on" that happens after that is the tough part.

right now im all guns blazing. decisions almost fully made. dialogues just waiting to be spewed. but what will happen next?

this time im less worried, though. i KNOW i deserve better. and i KNOW better things lie ahead. maybe it was worth giving what i did, for a whole year and expecting or getting very little in return. but its time to get a little selfish and think about myself, all my dreams, all that is waiting to happen, all that iv been putting on hold for so long now. its time to un-pause that and go get it.

and in order to do that, move on i must.
adios. im out of here gss.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

i feel detached today

maybe because i suddenly realize who matters and who doesnt
maybe because i suddenly realize that so much has changed
maybe because i suddenly realize that i cant really make anything happen, unless its MEANT to happen
maybe because i suddenly realize i dont want to go back to things exactly the way they used to be
maybe because i suddenly realize that, thats just the way it goes
maybe becuase i suddenly realize that time goes on, shit happens, things change and i should stop being so emotionally attached to the things i dream up in my head

i feel detached today. i just wish it were a holiday, so i didnt have to sit here and pretend to be engrossed in this report. instead, i could sit around and dream away.

Monday, December 14, 2009

random musings for the day..

I've never really understood the thing about relationships and dependencies. What is it that makes us depend? To peg all our hopes and dreams on that ONE someone?

Sent from my Nokia phone

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

55-fiction to remember the day

The day has come. What normally takes six months to arrive, has taken me nearly 12. Mostly because I got screwed over. It comes with a letter. And a backpack, branded in corporate colors. After all the hard work and sweat and tears, all I can say is, it’s about time!

I’ve just been confirmed.

im brave..

but im chicken shit.

and what it all comes down to..is that everything's going to to be quite alright.

is it?

Monday, December 07, 2009

indispensable.

this is a sudden burst, because i just HAD TO say this out somewhere.

im back at work after a 3 day break. only to realize im indispensable. when im not aorund nobody can do what i do. so what needs to be done simply gets piled up to be done when im back.

why? because im indispensable.

im back at work after a 3 day break. only to realize im indispensable. because iv just gone through piles of emails where questions have gone unanswered, issued unattended, and problems have gotten bigger. simply because when im not around to answer questions nobody answers them on my behalf.

why? because im indispensable.

im back at work after a 3 day break. only to realize im indispensable. because a 26 page document could not be proofed by anyone else. and had to wait till today when i would be back to do the dirty work.

why? because im indispensable? or because im just taken for granted?

im leaning towards the latter now.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

the need for..groove. erm, not speed.

a gloomy day like today deserves some groove. some serious groove.

seeing as how my newest obsession is michael-groove-jackson, i suggest you dance. and shot. and shake your body down to the ground.

Monday, November 02, 2009

current state of mind:

DISINTERESTED.
DISAPPOINTED.
DISILLUSIONED.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

octoberfesting it in bangalore..

..with my rather large beer mug..

Sent from my Nokia phone

irony

one of the best things about being married, is that you are never alone.

and sometimes, its also the worst part.

Friday, October 30, 2009

points to ponder #3, #4 and #5

#3
when im so not fussy, and eat ANYthing thats made, why do i need to decide what i want for dinner?

#4
am i worth nothing more than producing a baby? in a jiffy, at that..

#5
why is my workplace filled with so many fools? its like a whole club of imbeciles out here.

jai guru deva

words are flying out like
endless rain into a paper cup
they slither while they pass
they slip away across the universe
pools of sorrow waves of joy
are drifting thorough my open mind
possessing and caressing me...

the crap in my life has this knack of attacking me when im least expecting it. its when the going is really good that i should start worrying, and wondering why its going so good. its almost like when the going is good, it ought to be too good to be true -- and WHAM! CRAP ATTACK!

and it comes in waves. crap waves. waves of crap. crappy waves. like a chain reaction thats set off by some arbit stupid occurence that is so out of my control, that it makes me want to scream out loud.

like all the crap is not enough, i got a craMp attack too today. so if im nasty and i bite your head off, forgive me, and blame it on my hormones please.

i need the strength to get through today. its friday and i need to just get to the end of the day and reach the weekend. all i can say is, jai guruuuu deeevaaaaaa..

hohumsigh. overandout.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

bangalore's october skies

its a pretty day outside. and i just got out of work :D


Sent from my Nokia phone

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

hurrah!

i have just tasted a small bit of success. and its tastes GOOHHHD :D

awards and accolades aside, the bigger kick is coming from the fact that this is a weird validation of the effort that goes in to what i do. on-the-job my team often gets dismissed as a team with people who are there to fill spots, and that "nobody gives a fuck about internal communications" -- but THIS is proof that what we do matters. and that we do it fairly well.

we just won 3 awards at the league of american communication professionals awards. and i think maybe this is just a tiny taster for things to come.

Friday, October 16, 2009

okay, so im bored and jobless at work after a REALLLY long time -- so here goes..

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn on page 18 and find line 4.
namaste!

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can & catch air?
eerm. done.. now what?

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Bigg Boss

4. Without looking, guess what time it is?
3:20 p.m.

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
3:30 p.m.

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
the admin guys chattering on in telugu, and my bosses bangles clanging as she types.

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
10 minutes ago, when i walked to the next tower for a meeting.

8. Before you started this Q&As, what did you look at?
a blog by an indiangned who lives in nashville.

9. What are you wearing?
something i RARELY wear.. a sari, because its diwali at office!

10. When did you last laugh?
just a little while ago, when my boss and i were re-living the meeting we were just

in..

11. What is on the walls of the room you are in?
big windows, with blinds covering them..

12. Seen anything weird lately?
just did. this guy in the advisory team, who thinks he's the funniest man alive. and

who also thought i might want to invite him for lunch. how optimistic..

13. What do you think of this quiz?
its just the thing i needed on an afternoon like this.

14. What is the last film you saw?
the inglorious basterds. and i loved it!

15. If you became a multimillionaire overnight, what would you buy?
many holidays to the corners of the world!

16. Tell me something about you that I dunno!
i absolutely MUST have 2 small soft cushions by my left side when i go to sleep. if i dont have them, i dont sleep well.

17. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics,

what would you do?
id make teleporting possible.

18. Do you like to Dance?
yup!

19. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her?
aliya

20. Imagine your first child is a boy , what do you call him?
samir

21. Would you ever consider living abroad?
oh yeah!

22. What do you want GOD to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
welcome!

fine lines..

there's a fine line between love and hate. i VERY RARELY cross the line.
there's a fine line between trying and giving up. i teeter over a lot of the time.
there's a fine line between being true and faking it. i rarely cross it.
there's a fine line between needing and doing without. i cross over sometimes, in moments of weakness.
there's a fine line between being brave and being chicken shit. i tend to sit on the fence.
there's a fine line between being lonely and enjoying solitude. i choose carefully.
there's a fine line between liking and disliking. i am often torn.

but there's also a very fine line between understanding someone and not understanding someone. the line is so fine, sometimes its not even there. you think you fully understand someone, have a perfect match of wavelengths and frequencies, to the point of doing the same things at the same time, saying the same things out loud, listening to the same music even though you're in different places..and yet sometimes it just DOESNT make sense. and its hard to choose which side of the line you belong on.

its unfortunate. its petty. its best forgotten. and forgotten i have. maybe because thats just me. shit happens, but i rarely bear grudges. iv learnt that the world is filled with people who come in all kinds -- shapes, sizes, colors, personalities. and i try and accept people for what they are. yet, the shit happens. we move on. and in moving on, we hang on to the precious few who we know we can depend on. who we know we can still talk to without trying too hard to make sense. the ones we dont have to try too hard to be out of touch with. the ones who bring a smile to your face when you think back on past memories. the ones who will probably never fade away from your mind.

there's a fine line between forgetting and not forgetting. i have a REALLY good memory.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same..

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come

And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes
We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from
Perfection will not come

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

enough.

its been a day of fighting and yelling.
i wanna throw my hands up and give up.
can i?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

faith, further diminishing

my tiny bubble world needs more genuineness. more real people. with real feelings.

and less fluff. and less superficiality. and less back biting.

sometimes i think the problem is with me. and yet i cant quite figure out what it is that i do wrong...

current state of mind: sigh

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

when did it get this way?

the home is a bit of a circus.
i wake up and i drive to work. the challenging/entertaining/tiring/frustrating drive to work is like driving through a real-time circus.
and work, thats the biggest circus of them all. we have 'em all. the clowns, the animals, the tricks, the jokes, the nasty hierarchy, the psychedelic spandex costumes...the whole nine yards.

when did it get this way??
..while i wasn't looking.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

losing weight. the easy way.

8 p.m.
he (rubbing belly and limping around) - i feel really thin today
me - THIN?? you call that thin? let me burst your little illusion
he - *grins*
me - youre the exact opposite of thin at the moment

9:30 p.m.
me - will you have another bun with your soup and salad (diet food, fyi)
he - i might. maybe just another half. will you have the other half?
me - yeah, okay
he - LESS butter please
me - *drops jaw in shock* (because im not used to requests for LESS butter)

10 p.m.
me - heres your piece of dark chocolate
he - give me some more no? please?
me - more? but arent you on a diet?
he - yes but iv hurt my ankle and i need all the energy i can get
me - ohhh hahaha.. in that case i think il have a piece too
he - what about your diet?
me - yeah i know, but i don't want you to finish my share ok..it was my slab in the first place
(the whole time the slab is not BETWEEN us, but hidden out of my sight. i can only hear the wrapper crackling everytime a piece is consumed slyly)

10:05 p.m.
me - youre eating so much aa? maybe il have another bite
he - its over da :)

successfully consumed: one whole slab of bournville rich dark chocolate
diet quotient: 0 (on a scale of 1-10)
happiness levels: 10 (on a scale of 1-10)

Sunday, September 13, 2009

woman issues

the WORST part of being a woman: waxing
one of the best parts of being a woman: pedicures :D

Sent from my Nokia phone

Saturday, September 12, 2009

i dont know whether to laugh out or cry..

- when im driving on an empty stretch of road..cruising along, when all of a sudden an auto turns in, in front of me from a by lane, cuts me off in the right lane and decides to chug along at 20 kmph..blissfully unaware of whats behind him. hes probably thinking 'im da man!'..

- when im in a rush to get to the gym, and im patiently waiting to cross the crowded and narrow galli, and some johnny in a hugeass innova decides to overtake me, stand on my right (which is actually the lane for oncoming traffic), blocks the junction completely, and expects that everything will miraculously vaporise so that he can pass. its like the heights of ignorance, of the consequences of ones actions..

- when im at a junction, unfortunately the first in line, the signal turns green and in nothing less that 0.0653 secs, the herd of vehicles behind you honks at me, like im the sole reason theyve been held up at the traffic light for a whole 2 mins. i know time is precious, and i guess 0.0653 secs is too much to spare..

- when im speeding down the road and suddenly some jackass decides to dart out off the darkness and into the road. he sees me and falters, and instead of stepping back, he stand right in the middle of the road too shellshocked to do anything. wouldnt it just be better to LOOK before he LEAPED!?

aargh! the roads and traffic situation isnt doing my frustration levels much good..

Sent from my Nokia phone

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

dont ask neither how full or how empty is your glass..

crying out with happiness kind of song..
this is my trip for the day :D

TRIPPED OUT. i need to get me this album. its an EP of coldplay's viva la vida, filled with songs that weren't completed in time for the official release of viva la vida.

niyu, kundi, priya.. this ones for you..

my mental mantra for today

i am going to fight the blues.
i am going to get beyond petty mundane work issues.
i am going to believe that i am good at what i do.
i am going to look beyond.
i am going to focus on life after work.
i am going to give myself more time.

because i NEED to.

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

one whole year..and counting..


last year at this time, i was in the midst of getting married. or "marriaged" as AK likes to call it. the "shaadi.com" was in progress.
 
and since then i cant help but think we've come such a long way. from holidays together, to first acquisitions together, first bank accounts together, first experiences together, new kinds of fights together, facing the world together.. its been one hell of a rollercoaster ride.
 
i think the best part about marriage is how much it teaches you about yourself. you'd think that living, loving, respecting another human being..dealing with each others quirks and idiosyncrasies would teach you more about the other person..but its quite different. the nicest thing about this last year, is the fact that iv looked within so much. iv learnt so much about myself. iv challenged myself. taught myself new things. done things i never imagined i could or would.
 
and for that, i feel thankful. its an experience i highly recommend :D sure, we;ve had our share of ups and down, but the best part is being in it together. and that somehow makes all the difference.
 
i began my day with a delicious surprise. after much deliberaton and talk and discussion, we'd firmly decided that anniversaries are not about gifts (even though i still secretly feel its about the thought behind the gift, more than just the gift itself :) but maybe thats just me) and theyre not about dinners (because how different can an anniversary dinner be from any other special slightly intimate dinner in a restaurant) and theyre certainly not about expectations. so i tried to stick to it and got VC nothing more than a couple of photographs. on being presented with his share of the surprise, i felt a little sheepish -- and i cant think of a way to reciprocate, except extend my arms and all of myself for a big warm bear hug :D
 
thanks dumbo for sticking around..
 
here's to many many more..

Monday, September 07, 2009

when everything's meant to be broken...

..i just want you to know who i am.

or maybe thats just me. so i shouldnt hope for the rest of the world to think that way.

anyhoo, its frighteningly alarming to realize that i live in a world where people are STILL judged by:
- the color of their skin
- the amount of wealth they have
- the "respectability" of the kind of "job" they hold
- how theyre dressed
- who they know

going by that, i think i would qualify as a complete street dweller :D

but on a more serious note, i think its a tad scary to think that these really are parameters that people are judged by. whatever happened to character, a sense of humor, genuinity, warmth..when did it all get replaced with such superficial elements in life?

when everythings meant to be broken in the end, isnt it only important to know the real person inside everyone?

Friday, September 04, 2009

arguing with fools

it is said that one should never argue with fools. because they drag you down to their level, and then beat you with experience.

there are kinds and kinds of people i interact with at work. im mostly tolerant of them all. because i believe in the inehrant goodness in people, despite all other faults/drawbacks they might have. ok..correction: i believe in the inherant goodness in ALMOST all people.

i try to get through work with as little abrasion as possible. as little unnecessary confrontation as i can go without. as little unwanted gossip and discussion that i can keep myself out of.

until of course i had the misfortune of working closely with some of the people i did last week. people who dont realize when you are doing them a favor and they should actually be thankful. people who draw a blank when you ask them for information they should really just know by default. people who act like you are their slave, and must be ever willing to service their needs, no matter how unreasonable they may be. people who need to be shown and pointed out errors that they should logically have noticed. whats worse, when you point out errors (thinking hey i should point this out since she missed it!) turn the tables round and make it seem like THAT too is somehow your fault! people who dont take your expertise when they should, do their own thing, display their foolishness, get corrected and then sheepishly come back and tell you to "revert to the previous change". argh.

thats when everything fell apart.

somehow through this disturbing experience, i went home on friday evening feeling like i was the fool. like i was the one who fucked up. like i should have done a better job. like i should have actually kept quiet and not really felt hurt at everything that happened.

thats the problem with arguing with fools. i realize now. they drag you down to their level. confound you with their idiotic arguements. confuse the shit out of you. and beat you at their game of stupidity, with their foolishness. with experience.

Friday, August 28, 2009

when it rains, it fucking POURS.
 
just so it can go down on record: today is the worst day iv had all year.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

money matters

its thursday. for the first time EVER, iv come  into work and there are no emails waiting to be seen and replied to, no potential-firefighting situations waiting to leap out of my inbox, no stress of wondering what the day will hold..

its a weird time in our lives. the recession has finally reared its shady head in ways that will impact my life. while i work tirelessly day after day, stories of realignment and shuffling give us all the creeps. of course everybody chooses to brush these thoughts aside to some dark forgettable corner of their minds, and continue to work like what they're doing is really critical, and could change the future of this organization.

around me..the husband is increasingly frustrated with the dire lack of things to do at work. a sign of the economic downturn? i think so. hence, entire days get spent watching friends, 24 and other tv shows, on youtube. when you have time to sit and buffer every episode in 3-4 parts..why not, i say? some days get spent learning new illustrator/photoshop tricks. one day you decide to try your hand at learning dreamweaver. i think its a blessing in disguise. a sign from the universe to take small steps towards the real destination in life :)

also, a friend tells me about how his company is downsizing, teams are being cut down by half, and whats worse -- as a manager he is going to have to tell the chosen few in his team to get packing.

ru's business has taken a downturn. suddenly nobody wants to build homes anymore it seems. signs of the economic downturn? i think so.
 
i know half a dozen people who are unhappy in their stupid mundane jobs, and wish they could call it quits and move on to better things. but they cant. they just dont ever get down to it. for the fear of not having a steady income. a paycheck at the end of every month seems to have so much attached to it. a sense of satisfaction, security and safety.
 
all around me i see it. and i can feel it everytime im at the atm.
it's just money, they say. then why does it have such a hold on the world?

Monday, August 24, 2009

question:

why do mondays suck so bad?
why is it so hard to get started on a monday?
why does monday feel like it carries the weight of a million long nights on it?

Saturday, August 22, 2009

despite everything else, sindhi boys can MOOOVE. and they really know how to get down and have fun. i have to hand it to them.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Thursday, August 20, 2009

the space between..

theres been a tremendous amount of tears off late. unexplained, frustrating, out of control tears. its amusing in retrospect, but i cant say it was fun in the moment..

somehow dmb came along he seems to think the space between the tears we cry, is the laughter keeps us coming back for more and the space between the wicked lies we tell and hope to keep safe from the pain..

Monday, August 17, 2009

to coonoor and back..



after a wonderful 2 days in the clouds, iv crashed back to reality.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

is the end near?

after this, this and this..i cant help but wonder whats in store next..

theres a sinking kind of feeling going around the place. and i cant shake off this feeling of gloom, because things like this make me sit up and realize how really insignificant our stupid mundane lives are. the things we chase after, our everyday highs and lows, all the things we hang on to so dearly..everything becomes so fragile and utterly inconsequential in the face of realities like the ones we are facing as a planet. personally, i think the planet is rebelling. its had enough.

Monday, August 10, 2009

still to read..

welcome to advertising..
twilight
p.s. i love you
the kite runner
a thousand splendid suns

Sent from my Nokia phone

some good publicity



the half baked "home-maker" and the "slightly naive" domestic side of me shows up every now and then. recently, iv had more reason to experiment and iv been on a roll (well, sort of!)

check out http://hungryandexcited.blogspot.com for more!

on why the traffic in bangalore is the pits

its all over. my city is falling apart. the traffic is out of control. because:
1) people in small cars think its their birthright to change lanes as much as possible. in fact, i think nobody on the streets of bangalore knows what "lanes" really are, and why theyre important. the concept of lanes is non existent as far as bangalore is concerned. small cars are the new autos, in this respect..which brings me to point #2
2) there are far too many autos crawling around the place. swarming like bees in a hive. with no semblence of order, just going where they please, often knocking everything that comes in their way, DOWN. autos think they're above the law. nothing applies to autos, like theyre the demi-gods of bangalore streets
3) the cops are incapable, inefficient and too FAT to chase after defaulters. seeing as how not all of them have vehicles to get afer people who break the rules..which brings me to point #4
4) the cops with bikes, use them more as conveyance to get from point a to point b, even if it means entering a no-entry zone, going the wrong way down a one way street, crossing on to the WRONG side of the road (in broad daylight, might i add), avoiding a pile up at a signal by going over the double yellow line and encroaching on to oncoming traffic..he's a cop after all..the world should come to a halt and make space for his vehicular movement
5) because pedestrians think theres absolutely NOTHING wrong with walking on a very busy road, right beside the pavement, rather than ON the pavement
6) it seems that after going around ripping off every roundabout/cicrle in the city's major traffic junctions, we are not reinstalling them. except, someone forgot to take into account the 400% increase in volume of traffic, which will now have to be funnelled through these makeshift "channels" thanks to newly created "circles" as
we call them here. its happening all over, the biggest junctions are all massive bottle necks with unending trails of vehicles trying to wriggle their way through a space that is much narrower than it should be
7) we have this wonderous breakthrough in infrastructure development, we call the "magic box". which is actually a tunnel that is miraculously..yes, magically..erected in an unimaginably short period of time (by local authorities' standards of course!). built to actually eliminate signals, and create seamless flow of traffic, what they actually do is create the biggest pile ups bangalore has ever seen. have you visited windsor manor bridge on a weekday between 6:45 and 7:30? its a nightmare. the magic box does absolutely nothing magical to ease the rush hour traffic. instead, they seem to be based on a logic thats beyond my comprehension. the underpass is narrower than the width of the road it replaced. the over bridge is narrower than the width of the road it was built on. yet, its supposed to EASE the traffic that passes through it, which would have only increased by every single day that was spent constructing it. HOW is that even possible?
8) have you seen this big signal in the windsor manor/grand ashok area? i like to call it the YIELD signal. just for kicks. its a mess. it was yet another brilliant creation that was installed to eliminate traffic lights in the area. what happens now is, we have these extremely pot-bellied cops who have replaced the signals. they manually man the YIELD junction, to ensure that everyone yield the other space to move before getting a move on themselves. sorry state of affairs the YIELD signal is
9) everybody is always rushing around. i often wonder where is everyone going? all at once? all in a big hurry? being on the roads is all about getting ahead of the person in front of you. and when thats done, you get ahead of the next person in front of you. funnily, you're never ahead of them all
10) in the bargain of all the rushing around, people turn into rats. where everything else ceases to matter, and all you want to do is get to that piece of cheese, even if it means knocking things around you, scratching your sides, scraping passersby, jumping traffic lights..basically being as uncivilized, uncouth, stupidly idiotic and uneducated as you can possibly be

and so i rest my case. bangalore is a city thats headed to a point of no return. and the other night i had a nightmare. in it, one sunny morning, as i was on my way to work, all of a sudden theres a complete grid lock. the traffic is in a permanent jam. a jigsaw puzzle of cars, bikes, autos, trucks, tempos, buses..a jam that nobody can ever get out of. and i woke up thinking, hmm thats SO possible.

point to ponder - #2

i have almost everything i have wanted, yet something is amiss. and that little something causes sleepless nights, knots in my back, a frown when i wake up, and an inexplicable irritation that just refuses to go away.

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

point to ponder

why do my healthy eating habits bother everybody around me?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Monday, August 03, 2009

i am

precariously see-sawing between extreme contentment and extreme irritation.

random thoughts on a random uninteresting grey monday morning

- i work for satisfaction, and a sense of accomplishment, and happiness, and self actualization.. but heck underneath it all, i work for the moolah. for the $$.
- HR is a fuckall function. its all about fooling people, making them for fall into well concealed traps that drag you into the world where all you do is slog, and get very little in return.
- the recession is becoming a far too over-used excuse for..well, everything.
- its monday morning and im extremely satisfied with the weekend that has passed. if only all of life was a series of weekends.
- in one month it will be ONE WHOLE BLOODY YEAR. and im just using "bad words" for the heck of it.
- im demotivated.
- im edgy.
- im listening to damien rice. never thought id like the sound of it (?).
- i need to travel. its been far too long.
- what is family?
- it's overrated.
- i hope the next 5 days pass by at the speed of light. and the same goes for the next 4 weeks.
- hallelujah.

Friday, July 24, 2009

tears of anger are so easily mistaken for tears of weakness and fear.

Sent from my Nokia phone

i cant sleep.
i havent had a sleepless night in FOREVER. its been so long that i cant remember the last time i had trouble sleeping.
this sure looks like the return of the semi-insomniac time of my life.

CRAP.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

a quarter century and counting

waking up is tougher
metabolism is not as quick as it used to be
you dont wake up feeling like you could eat a horse
its harder to stay on the treadmill the whole 30 mins
the fat seems to melt away sloowwwwwwly
the mid riff gets bigger so much more easily
the beer that is guzzled, takes longer to disappear
the more fat you get, the longer it takes for it to reverse

peoples words are taken more seriously
feelings are hurt more easily
personal space is craved more eagerly
tempers are flaring, always ready to flip out
opinions get stronger

money begins to matter more
a direction and an aim in life gets clearer (i think)
what you want becomes very dear to you
where you should be seems elusive -- so close yet so far
suddenly time seems to be just slipping you by and you hit panic about how much of life is already over and done with

yup. there's no more fighting it. im well past the quarter century mark.

Monday, July 20, 2009

i'd forgotten how good it is to work out. and to feel that rush of endorphins surge through your body.

happyendorphinriddenhaathime

Sent from my Nokia phone

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

i've had it with customer care. HAD IT.

i had the wonderful fortune of finally getting thru to an hdfc phone banker this morning. this is after trying about 234658 times on 3-4 different days, trying to understand their mindboggling ivr system and navigate through it, to get to where i need to be. or at least thats where i think i need to direct my query. after repeatedly making them understand that i cannot give them my debit card number to verify, as my debit card has no numbers -- seeing as how iv been using the same card for 5 years now, and the numbers are all erased! and after going all over the place, just to speak to an incompetent ninny (IN) at hdfc.

me: id like to request for a new ipin please
IN: please be on hold while i make a request
(annoying stuck record indian string instrument music follows for an eternity)
IN: i have made a request. your new ipin will be send to your mailing address withint seven working days
me: id like to change my mailing address please. iv changed my residence
IN: we cant do that on the phone, pleases go to your nearest branch
me: the nearest branch, where i opened the account is always closed..this is in malleswaram. what should i do?
IN: please go to the nearest branch
me: yes, the malleswaram branch seems to have shut down, where should i go?
IN: please go to the nearest branch
me: is there anything else nearest to me? can you give me another option please
IN: no madam, please go to the nearest branch
me: can you give me an alternative branch? the one nearest to me is closed.
IN: no madam there is nothing else 'nearest' to you

sometimes i think theyre a species in themselves. genetically engineered for customer care jobs.

murphys at work again

yesterday i had a head on collision. with a bulldozer. called Monday Morning.
today iv been drugged by an intoxicant that makes time crawl. its called Tuesday Morning.

and suddenly i wake up and realise i have 4 days to go (including today).

typically, theres nothing wrong with my working week. its just that i prefer lazy weekends better. i prefer to catch up on sleep. i prefer to cucoon myself in my room. watch tv. read. drink. meet friends. drive around.

but murphys ensures that weekends whizz by. and the nights of "endless" slumber whizz by. but the working week, trudges along.

stupid murphy.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

im learning..

im learning something i knew very very little about. its the art of detachment. to let go and try and be less peeved about the way things are. to get thru time with as less emotional flurry as possible.

with detachment comes letting go. the day i do that, it'll be like attaining nirvana.

Sent from my Nokia phone

un-domestic

if there is such a thing as the epitome of domestication, im the exact opposite of it.

i cant handle crowds and family and people and polite talk and unnecessary show and fancy dos.

i think i have a problem. its called undomesticity.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Thursday, July 09, 2009

the only thing that made being cheated worse was being told that i DESERVED to be cheated :(

Sent from my Nokia phone

Monday, July 06, 2009

i feel blue-ee-bee-doo


...and not in a good way :(
everyday. every single day. i realise in some way or the other. just how much i dont fit in. just how much im unlike the people around me. just how much i dont belong. and just how much i feel like a strange weirdo.
 
"People are strange when youre a stranger, faces look ugly when youre alone.
women seem wicked when youre unwanted, streets are uneven when youre down..."

Friday, June 26, 2009

a week to remember..

its been an event ful week -- filled with events that will stick in my mind forever..as important, memorable, eventful times that have added to the scrapbook of my life.

i worked over 13 hours one day this week and didnt feel the pinch, or the pull to be elsewhere.

i felt a sense of friendship and camaraderie with many people at work, and this is something i havent experienced in a long time. i work with a bunch of happy, quirky, fun people, each of whom brings their best to what we do. and this plays a large role in making me want to go back to work every morning.

iv made some good friends at work. not just people who occupy time and give me companionship during the 9 to 5, but sensitive, caring, fun people who i can share a lot with. im glad that this job has made me meet tindoo (sindhu), jeani, shan, gagan and paul :) and a whole lot of other happy faces who i come across everyday.

for the first time in a long long time i felt motivated to stretch myself, to give of myself more than i normally do, to see something through to the very end, and most important feel the tremendous sense of accomplishment and satisfaction at the end of it. this is a landmark because in all the many jobs iv been in (and trust me iv been in QUITE a fewwww) no job/project has inspired such high levels of commitment or connectedness in me.

i experienced the satisfaction of accomplishment, that comes from working on something that has high visibility and stands to be viewed with much criticism. and the success tasted good :D

we finally took delivery of our first car together -- the husband and i. well we didnt quite take delivery together literally, because after days of leading me on to think my loan process was delayed and we were facing one obstacle after another, the husband had a lot of time to carefully plan out a neat little surprise, that had my jaw drop. i was too kicked to say much, so i dont think i even said thank you enough..but the surprise rocked. and it was a happy coincidence that he took delivery on a significant 'anniversary' of ours.

today has been a sad day for pop music. Its all over the place, so im going to overdo it. michael jackson was the king of pop. and the truth is he will always continue to be the king of pop. of entertainment. of happy music. of legendary music that will far outlive his time, which was unfortunately shortlived. music that i grew up on came rushing back to me, and i truly feel this is the kind of music that will never die. the kind of music that will be passed on for many years to come.

so many events, so many feelings, so many memories and landmarks..and one big pool of emotion inside of me.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Saturday, June 20, 2009

the rotten truth about life is that you are seldom appreciated for what you really are. and are almost always expected to be someone/something that fits into society's neatly created cubby holes, with the same cliche roles, duties and responsibilities. its such a shame. and i think its the reason why we're a country full of brainless nincumpoops. because even if we're capable of doing so many things, we're coerced into never exploring them.

im sick of hearing this 'have a baby' rant. simple because right now i have so much more to do in life. why is that so hard for people to understand?
Sent from my Nokia phone

Friday, June 19, 2009

coke float

im a coke-float-addict. i really am. But the kick is in sucking tiny bits of ice cream thru the straw :P


Sent from my Nokia phone

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

blame it on niyu

yellow
amsterdam
green eyes
swallowed in the sea
everything's not lost
the scientist
god put a smile upon your face
the hardest part
shiver

its a coldplayesque day.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

birth control

seeing as how im so anti-babies, i suggested that we get ourselves a chimp instead. the likes of dunston checks in. i was dead serious, but the husband..not so much.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Friday, June 12, 2009

pffft..thats me letting out some steam

heres an update of some recent, some insignificant, some current, some past developments in the recent past..
 
first, work is becoming increasingly challenging. not just in terms of the writing, but in terms of managing projects, spreading myself thin, keeping my head straight so i can think straight without losing it.. its been a stretching 2 weeks since i got back from SA. or maybe it just felt like a stretch because it took me so long to get back to the groove. anyhoo, from juggling a million tasks at once, to thinking of a/v scripts, to learning to put my foot down, watching liers come out successful..its been a trying 2 weeks for poor ol me.
 
second, i have a cartload of pictures piled up from the trip to goa and the week i spent in SA. theyre jus there. sitting. piling. waiting an wanting to be edited. to be seen. but i havent gotten down to doing any of it. because, my laptop is fucked up, i need to use the macbook to edit them, and because i just havent had enough time to do so much, leave alone sit in some peace and quiet and sort through my pictures. and it makes me feel a bit like shit.
 
third, i wish i owned my own 17-135 zoom lens. that way id have nicer pictures. wider pictures. richer pictures. that way i wouldnt have to shuffle cameras and forget what pictures were really mine to begin with. time to reopen that personal acquisiton fund.
 
fourth, iv further strengthened my belief in tha fact that i am no good at the corporate rat race. that i dont understand the unstated, unless it is obviously spelt out to me. i dont understand powerplay. and i dont understand how i need to deal with insignificant people who constantly try to push their agenda on you.
 
fifth, ak and pa are officially getting engaged tomorrow. in delhi. and im awfully sad that i cant be there. it just doesnt feel right that im missing such a big development in the lives of 2 people that we have been so closely associated with. all the best you two..i'll miss not being around. sorely.
 
thats it for now. over and out. thank god its friday.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

umbrella shadow

niyu's new summer project

:)

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

happy campers/haathi laouwers



taken in cape town. i was insanely happy i was holiday, and deep down i was really sad that in the next 5 hours i would be on a plane heading home.

south africa was a really wonderful experience. and it made me realise that nothing compares with the experience of travel.

if anyone out there is looking to employ someone for a travel show, count me in. get in touch with me now. im willing to pack up and leave, shut shop and move on, to do anything that will pay me to travel.

im a happy camper when i travel. it really brings out the best in me. it makes me happy like little else does.

another milestone

i think bangalore has far too many cars than it can handle. the roads seem to get narrower, more filled with potholes, more congested, more wrecked, more ruined, more dangerous.

i think the pollution is horrid. i cant stand to be out on a bike, unprotected anymore. the grime, the dust, the muck is just not my idea of a fun ride on the bike anymore. the minute im indoors somewhere, i swear i can hear the tiny cells on the surface of my skin scream out, pleading to be scrubbed clean.

i think the infrastructure in bangalore is the pits. its hit an all time low. rock bottom. and i dont think the city is ever going to recover from the mess we are currently in. roads ruined by ongoing metro construction. endless changes in one ways/two ways/dead ends. badly maintained roads that are just not equipped to handle the volume of traffic in the city.

i think the public transport in the city needs some serious attention. the autos and drivers within are out to fleece/rape/eve tease you. the buses are not dependable.

i also think everyone in this city is in a big fat rush. always. rush hour actually lasts all day. where is everyone rushing to? where are they going from? this place is deteriorating faster than i can imagine and digest.

from the traffic to the roads to the autos...you name it, its a mess. the city is in shambles. and i have just taken a step to add to it. im going to be adding 4 wheels, one more car and god knows how much more mucky pollution to the air around us.

the husband and i have just bought ourselves our very own car. while we wait for loans to get processed, deliveries to be made and registrations to happen, i cant help but smile in glee at never having to take an auto to work. never having to be denied an auto back from work. and never having to get wet in the rain again.

i got me one of these:

feeling kinda uhhhhuuuuhhh

feeling kinda nostalgic..muhuhahahaha!

Monday, June 08, 2009

irony at work

what do you do when your boss trusts your writing skills, and loves your work (and you like and respect her as a result :)), but HER boss, who doesnt know SHIT s the one to sometimes assess your work. with a red pen, print outs, and tick and cross marks. and she takes the liberty to edit/correct/change your work, baselessly?

where is the justice?

Sent from my Nokia phone

Sunday, June 07, 2009

after a really long time, today, i feel really stifled and fed up.
like i just want to get away for a while.
like i just want to be.

Thursday, June 04, 2009

backflip heart

i have a crush on karsh kale. and i just added him on facebook :)

Wednesday, June 03, 2009

fight for whats truly yours

iv often heard and been told before that when you come across something thats truly, rightfully yours, fight for it and make it yours. it holds good for freedom..to live, to choose, to decide, to do, to fulfil, to contend with..
 
the freedom to make choices, and face the consequences that come
the freedom to do things and live by those decisons
the freedom to choose whats best for our individual selves
the freedom to live, be, enjoy..
 
grab it, and make it your own.

Friday, May 29, 2009

the woes of getting fat

21 is the number of days iv been on holiday from the gym (for various reasons)
8 is the number of days i went on holiday in south africa, which featured LOTS of eating, overeating, face stuffing, beer drinking, alcohol consuming. i mean LOTS of it.
3 is the number of meals iv eaten out since i got back.
 
and i shudder to think of the number of inches that would have happily added themselves on various parts of my body. they have this annoying habit of going and piling up in places i dont really need the baggage, instead of places where i could do with some.
 
that said, 2 is the number of days i am giving myself the luxury of feeling lazy, before i hit the fitness regime again.
 

Monday, May 18, 2009

time is such a funny thing. and travel, even more so. im in bangalore now and will be in bombay this evening and the middle east tomorrow morning and a whole new continent by the end of tomorrow. blows my mind sometimes.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Sunday, May 17, 2009

im on a music roll

thanks to the herculean effort of updating my ipod. sorry, i mean SYNCING my ipod. bah.

this ones a killer track.
killer.

simple kind of man

Mama told me when I was young
Come sit beside me, my only son
And listen closely to what I say.
And if you do this
It will help you some sunny day.
Take your time... dont live too fast,
Troubles will come and they will pass.
Go find a woman and youll find love,
And dont forget son,
There is someone up above.


And be a simple kind of man.
Be something you love and understand.
Be a simple kind of man.
Wont you do this for me son,
If you can?

Forget your lust for the rich mans gold
All that you need is in your soul,
And you can do this if you try.
All that I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.


Boy, dont you worry... youll find yourself.
Follow you heart and nothing else.
And you can do this if you try.
All I want for you my son,
Is to be satisfied.

i feel filmy

..ignore the crapppyyyyy video. that apart, iv grown to like this song. enough to go through a whole lot of effort to get it on my ipod..

which is SUCH an exercise, im considering getting a philips mp3 player. the kind where you can just drag and drop files into. the kind that is no nonsense and non-elitist and piracy friendly :)

damn you, apple. enjoy the song.

space bubble

sometimes, i wish that the imaginary bubble i create around myself was an ACTUAL thing.

Friday, May 15, 2009

people they come together, people they fall apart

its become habit. people walk in and out of my life all the time. some have stayed forever, some are far far away, some came and went but linger around in the depths of my mind..and my heart, some came for very short bursts of time and impacted my life in so many ways..some positively, unfortunately some negatively, some are long term friends - the kind i dont have to be in touch with and yet can pick up exactly where i left off, and some people i need on an everyday basis - thru words, telephone calls, emails and sms's..

but the truth is people come and go. and there are and have always been very few whom i hold close to my heart. when i say few, i mean feeew. i can count them on one hand. theyre the sort who have accepted me for what i am - with the good shit and the bad shit. with them i have the kind of relationship that needs to justification, no reason. it just IS. there are strings, but not the kind that we use to play puppet games. and not the kind that hold you down and cause you pain. above all these are people who respect me for what i am, without expectations. and i know i feel the same about them. when differences arise its so easy to talk it out, because expectations, conditions, greed, sympathy..none of that gets in the way.

despite all that, the truth is people come and go. and iv reached a point in my life where iv come to realise that people are strange. some need to be wanted, some want you, some need attention, some love showering it, some play games, some come out clean, some are complicated and some crystal clear.

people come and go. with their baggage and the filth, with the good times and the bad, with the happy highs and impossible lows. and ultimately the ones that linger on are the ones that mean well. theyre there to fulfil a purpose. and although i often mope over what has been and what could have been, iv also learned that its not worth it. if someone came and went, its because they were meant to. their purpose in my life was shortlived, met and finished. probably much like mine in theirs.

so like moby says.. people they come together, people they fall apart..no one can stop us now, we are all made of stars.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

why me?

im generally feeling a somewhat self pitying kind of feeling. so here goes..
its tough being me, sometimes. and then just for fun god has endowed me with the worlds worst period cramps. and then, on a day like today, it just makes me wish i was someone else. without ovaries. without the crap that comes with it. without the moodiness. without the tears. without the stress that only causes me more pain. without the irritation all the shit that comes with having "womanly" problems.

im trying to think about the beach and how therapeutic and calming and relaxing and all of that it was. but its not working.

i think i need to rewind.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

wish you were here...

Sent from my Nokia phone

fishy air and burnt skin

its been a totally CHILL three days. my definition of chill, that is. where there is no agenda, no places to go, things to see, stuff that must be done. ive spend close to a total of twenty hours on the beach. and its just been so so so so so nice.

with every trip to the seaside, i get more convinced that maybe i have a past life connection, or a subconscious pact with the sea. Every now and then theres an urge to be by the sea. and when i am, everything is peaceful, all is in sync and nothing could feel better.

iv done nothing but feel the wind in my hair, dig my toes into the sand, feel high on life, eat the glorious sea food, groove to the sidey shack music (somehow everything becomes enjoyable on the beach..hehe), drink various things from freshlime sodas to chilled water, kings beer and gin and tonics.. and im so convinced this is therapy for the soul.

i strongly reccommend a weekend in gos for anyone in the need of a break. come to baga, sit back and enjoy. it doesnt get better than this.

all good things must come to an end, though..and tonight il trudge back in the ksrtc volvo, crammed in the non reclineable seats, unable to sleep. but i'd do it all over in a flash :)

all last days of holidays depress me. and the only glint of hope is that going back, bings promise of the next getaway.

for now, im blackened and crisped from the sun, and im loving it.

this is the beached out, sun kissed and toasted, fishy holiday slut signing out for now.


Sent from my Nokia phone

Saturday, May 09, 2009

the next time i wonder 'where have all the hot men gone?' i will already have my answer.

they're all in goa.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

ironic dichotomy

we're a generation thats moving forward and backward all at once.

we're a generation faced with so much choice. right from the things we
do, games we play, food and entertainment, career options, life
choices, thoughts and beliefs..we have so many choices..options to
scan and survey and make informed decisions.

never has there been a time when youth has had so much freedom to
choose for themselves, the things they deem right for themselves.
everything from what subjects to pursue, where to spend ones time,
what activities to invest energies in, whom to marry, how to live ones
life..i feel that we have just so much choice. and the incredible
opportunity to make that choice.

and yet, its a time when we cling to age old belief. tradition for the
sake of tradition. irrelevant ways of doing things, that may no longer
be appropriate, automatically get followed..because we're too afraid
to exercise that choice. we have the power to choose, yet we shy away
from choosing to think for ourselves.

we get trapped so easily, into doing things that may be tradition, but
nt necessarily the best suited option for us. in a time when we're
increasingly complex people, with so any options, diversified
interests and pursuits in life, a time when men and women alike chase
the same dreams, when people are so quick to realise their self worth
and independence, isnt it about time we look at how we choose our life
partners?

its so ironic to see that as a generation thats faced with so much
"progression", we stall every now and then and digress, and backtrack
a little. for fear of making the choices that lie ahead of us.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Monday, May 04, 2009

the fine line..

when somebody oversteps the line into your life, you have nobody to blame but yourself..for letting them so far in.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Thursday, April 30, 2009

growing up

im on the eve of what promises to be the saddest birthday ever.
and to add to the fun, its my 25th.

i really should have been in goa THIS weekend.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

after a really long time, i feel a serious lack of motivation to work. i dont know if its the kind of day im having, or the work i have today, or if its something in the air..

nothing seems worth it. and all iv done in between mindlessly trying to finish some work, is youtube every single lauryn hill video and listen to it over and over.

now im moving on to alicia keys. and theyre both brilliant vocalists.

someone please pray my day gets better.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

in preparation for goaaaaa..

this song has transported me to a beach, 1 week in advance. its like im THERE already. under the umbrella, looking at the waves as they come and go endlessly.

Monday, April 27, 2009

the need to beat the heat

the heat is killing me. i cant decide what i hate more. consistently blistering heat, or weather that fluctuates between the horrible heat and the naggling drizzle. sometimes even when im indoors (in the office) i feel like the heat is oppressive. sometimes it burns my eyes. sometimes its so hassling, it makes my brain want to shut down.

iv been dying to go swimming ever since the heat kicked in. but it hasnt happened, and im extremely sad about it. first, i cant seem to find the right time to go. second, iv heard the club has become extremely icky and i havent felt tempted to go THERE. we could go to priyas to swim, but everytime we make plans and i manage to get out of work in time, it starts frigging raining.

i dont know if its the heat thats contributing to my general blimp-like feeling..but despite hitting the gym 2 weeks ago and feeling rather happy about the consistency with which iv been dragging myself out of bed at 6 every morning, i STILL feel blimp-like. and thats altogether very uncomfortable.

in less than 2 weeks, i will find myself on a HOT beach. i mean HOT. because like genuises, we've decided to go to the hottest coast in india, in the peak of summer. all my planning and effort eventually went down the drain. and all efforts to avoid the heat are now pointless. because we're going at EXACTLY the time i didnt want to go! but im not complaining. im merely stating the irony.

but im MASSIVELY looking forward to the getaway. despite the heat. we will tackle that issue with some serious lack of clothing. and i plan to do nothing but sit under an umbrella. and not move, except to dip in the sea, get the next beer, stuff my face with some new food, go shower at sundown and head to some nice beachy club. where we will beat the heat some more.

speaking of beating the heat, iv heard that you get some really cool dresses (im talking happy, bright, summery dresses!) in delhi. in one of the gazillion "markets" in the city. i wannnnt! i wish we had a gk1 m block market here.

even though iv had some coke, fruit cake AND ice cream, on account of someones birthday in the office, IM STILL FEELING HOT.
 
nowwuddodoo?

Sunday, April 26, 2009

first whiff of the ipl

finally i decided to watch some ipl cricket..and couldnt get past 10 mins..

its a priety zinta vs shilpa shetty game. all i can say is i hope shilpa shetty loses.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

swimming around in my brain..

so many places to see, so little time and never enough money

thank god for advanced technology and telecommunication

why do i always feel like stuffing face at 630 pm? why does 630 make me feel like il eat anything that comes my way

people wear so many different masks, different faces. and sometimes they forget to take them off and go back to who they are

i was so wrong to judge too soon

am i forgetting who i am and getting too caught up in this whole 'together' thing

does loving someone mean doing something they want you to, even though your heart doesnt

will i ever run out of endorphins

who do i vote for

when everything is so quiet, whats that noise in my head

Sent from my Nokia phone

Monday, April 20, 2009

reviving an old love song..

..because i heard it on the way home, and suddenly realised i had it on my ipod all along!

in other news:
i thought my psycho days were long gone, but theyre not.

i thought i knew someone well, but it turns out i dont.

the man you marry is worlds apart from the man you used to date.
quite the same way, the husband he is around you, is worlds apart from the husband he is when hes not around you.

also, i had a fantastic day at work. and on days like this i wonder if really its too good to be true. but then i stop myself before i jinx it.

im getting closer to goa-going. and that thought makes me VERY happy.

go listen to summer madness. its a guaranteed trip.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

bliss..

home cooked dinner. beer. coke. fried chicken. mad laughter. mud pie.

bliss.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Friday, April 17, 2009

the challenges..

the husband has successfully driven me up the wall today. long distance.

beat that.

and find me a hole to jump into and disappear.

Sent from my Nokia phone

iwishiwishiwish..

i wish there was a way that work got done miraculously
i wish sleep would leave me when i am at work
i wish all the food i eat had a way of evaporating through my pores and not piling on my butt
i wish air tickets were cheaper
i wish distances were shorter
i wish home was home to me
i wish i could play music really loudly in my office
i wish i could be as crazy as i really am, ALL the time, and not just behind closed doors with the few people im free with
iwishiwishiwishiwishiwish...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

guava-va-va-va-vaaaa

im hopelessly addicted to tropicana's guava nectar. i dont know if its a new addition to their not-so-vast range of juices, but i hadnt ever noticed it before. and now, ever since i set my eyes on it, iv been bitten by the guava nectar bug. i cant seem to do without at least one pack a day, usually consumed post lunch. with an after-effect of massive satisfaction of the quenching-an-additcs-craving kind.

and i have no idea whether this is healthy or not, but today i was drawn to foodworld even before i entered office! and i had to beg the cleaning ladies to let me in 10 minutes before opening time, and make an exception just this once, so i could buy a pack.

ah well, ho humm sigh..lets hope the guava rush can give me extra energy to get through the day, because today promises to be long and weary.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

happy hormones are back

so im back to the exercise routine. with renewed motivation, determination and gym membership. i realise that exercise makes every single day better. it keeps me happy, energetic and makes me hungry at all the right times.


its good to get back after a dry lazy spell, because everything feels so new again. i miss running though. running for my life and pushing my limits by a few extra minutes every day. but for now, pilates it is. and pilates it will be.

exercise most definitely infinitely increases the happy hormones in my system and keeps me going. its a good thing that i can go from being slightly wide to just wide-ish and from fat-ish to fit-ish. so if nothing else, i can safely say i exercise to stay happy.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Monday, April 13, 2009

loser-magnet

it just dawned on me that i am what you could call the quintessential "loser-magnet". you know, babe-magnet, chic-magnet, stud-magnet..same line of thought. except im not any of those. im a loser-magnet, save a few very special non-loser souls in my life :)
 
and somehow i do this to myself over and over again. its like an addiction. like a knack. and if such a category of people didnt exist so far, you can go ahead and put it down now. add it to the list. consider it my contribution to the world of people-nomenclature.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

ideas?

does anyone know who has karaoke nights in bangalore.. other than godforsaken opus?

more happiness

i love this song. i love its bassline.
and iv tripped to it today.

happiness IS a song.

laughter...and then some!

its been a day of far too much laughter.
my cheeks hurt.
:)
but i cant stop. and im in the mood to spread the cheer.
anyone wanna meet and get infected?

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

suffocate

people just dont know how to live. and let live. and thats just so sad.

PO today

Pissed Off, that is.
 
first the auto driver fleeced me on the way to work.
the admin head picked a nonsense fight with me.
this chic in gurgaon i work with has no brains.
she has no patience either.
she thinks shes the only client i have, and the only person whos orders i have to cater to.
basically she thinks im at her beck and call.
the net is acting up every now and then.
my work is stalling because of brainless gurgaon chic.
my boss is in an all day training so i have no one to give me a second opinion.
like i mentioned im on faff-mode rather than work-mode today.
when i go home, there will be no husband today. or tomorrow. or the day after. or the day after. or the day after. or the day after..you get the drift?
 
ya so thats reason enough, dont you think?
 
im Pissed. Off.
 
 

a tough day to get through

so its 10 36 a.m. and im at a 0 on the work-mode meter. and 100 on the faff mode meter.
 
its going to be an interesting day to get through till 6 p.m.

Monday, April 06, 2009

when you dont go, when you really need to go

it takes a grand total of 99 steps to get to the loo from my desk. and anything between 80-90 when i REALLY need to go. it makes for a rather tantalizingly long walk, as i trudge along on the brink of embarrassing myself with a pee-incident.

needless to say of course, the walk back is pleasant, with me feeling lighter than before.

this inconvenient distance is affecting my wellbeing.

time to think about a portable loo.

Sunday, April 05, 2009

every now and then, my life has an uncanny way of breaking the former 'weirdest-thing-ever' barrier. raising the bar, for the next most wierd event to come along and do the honours.

like iv said before, im going to try and write a book someday. at least just to vent all these weird notes and comments and observations that are building up inside me. sometimes i feel like i wont be able to take it anymore, and it will all just burst. flying around creating ripples of discomfort around me.

Sent from my Nokia phone

things that amazed me this weekend..

how much bangalore has changed

how much time has passed

how some people can be SO predictable

how im often the only non smoker no matter who we go out with

how i love being at home (the original one) and how different i am in familiar territory

how people interpret the same situation so differently

how one mans idea of fun is completely absurd to another

how things change so soon..

Sent from my Nokia phone

Friday, April 03, 2009

from here on..

there comes a time in your life, when all of a sudden it becomes alarmingly clear what you want from your the rest of your life. well, some part of it at least, becomes remarkably crystal clear. almost like you visualise yourself in the future, doing those things, having those things, feeling all those things, that you presently have realised you want. its an experience that borders on some out-of-body kind of experience, and can leave you mentally and emotionally drained.

this is what i feel today. the weight of clarity, and the urgency to make it happen someday, for my selfish sake.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

i need to dance...

i feel like dancing.
i feel like dancing.
i feel like dancing.

and im sitting in my cubicle instead. with major bass beats and fast loud music playing in my ears. and all kinds of thoughts running through my head.

i need to dance.
i need to dance.

and bangalore has a nightlife thats as dead as the fish in russel market.

Monday, March 30, 2009

the coming months..

promise to be a difficult yet exciting time.

vc is going away for the ipl. hes going to be gone for well over a month. this is not something iv done before, not something i think i can contend with, and certainly nto something i am looking forward to. but life goes on, and a mans got to do what a mans got to do, i guess. so go, he will. and deal with it, i will.

on the UP (wayyyy up!!) side, niyu gets here in 2 days. for the first time in my life, i think im lookign forward to it more than she is :) i just cant wait.

priya gets back in ten days or so :) and hopefully there will be some sense of insanity and normalcy in my life. what with the 2 maddest things in my life being in the same city again.

we're planning what was meant to be a "sisterhood" trip to goa. priya might not make it, but we'll try and convince her and see how that goes. but niyu and i are mentally in goa already. wearing our beach clothes, oversized shades, looking at the world go by through mellow hues, overlooking the sun sand and sea with our drinks in our hands. and those drinks will either be labelled 'kings' or will be brightly coloured and will have tiny umbrellas in them.

i will have longer work days though. a certain someone has recently left my team, leaving a pair of rather large shoes to fill. along with the challenge comes longer, more hectic days. more confusion, a laptop and more learning the ropes..perhaps at a quicker pace than id have imagined or preferred. but im excited about the new role, even though im not excited at all about having an excuse to take work home.

the coming months are also the months of summer, mangoes, my birthday and some big decisions..

Sunday, March 29, 2009

..aaaaand im mobile blogging!

Testing. Testing. Testing.

Sent from my Nokia phone

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

moments to remember

i dont really know why, but i felt like relooking at this one moment during the wedding..and iv said this before..if i had a chance to get married again (the ceremony and madness et al) id do it all over again, in the bi\link of an eye. because i had such a real blast right through.



i know so many people who wouldnt agree, but for me the whole experience was such a dream. and came and went by in a flash. when i look back at pictures and videos its almost too hard to fathom that it actually happened. it seems so unreal :)

because when i think of us married, i think of these moments more than anything else. moments of utter madness :)



tripped to this today

listened to this on repeat all the way home today. the drive seemed longer than usual, the roads windier than usual, time stretched longer than usual.

perhaps my head is playing tricks.

anyway..i couldnt help but grin when this song came on. and then it was on repeat, ALL the way home.

"'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down"

and i feel so peaceful..
thank you, music.

both sides of the story

my days are getting longer. more strenuous. and more demanding on my brain. and im loving it.

consequently im easily tired and sleepy. my nights are getting longer too..as in, im sleeping in longer. and i hit the snooze on my alarm so easily..cant say im loving it.

i need to kick myself out of this habit. the lethargy habit. and get up and get going.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

a morning of discovery

i spent 3 hours of my sunday morning in an activity that was dismissed as totally "faaltu". each to his own i guess..because i completely enjoyed myself. despite stomach cramps, a ravenous appetite and aching legs, i didnt want to turn away and come back until my victorian bangalore walk was complete.

i took a bangalore walk today. a whole 3 km, spanning over 3 hours, interspersed with TONS of trivia, tidbits from history, and some unbelievable facts -- some that just blew me away. did you know winston churchill lived on south parade at some point?

i also got to shoot bangalore in the morning light, something i havent done in a long time. i got to walk down the entire length of mg road..or should i say south parade? i went up the bell tower of the holy trinity church. i traversed bangalores history from the early 16th century down to today. i discovered things about bangalore that have sort of redeemed this rotting city in my eyes. i watched someone talk with passion and hope, and it gave me a different view on my city..a city that i have lesser and lesser hope for with every passing day. with every living jackass who drives badly, every moron who talks as he drives, every cop whos stands by the roadside digging his nose while the traffic goes haywire right under his being-dug-nose, with every tree thats cut down, with every passing day in the life of the never ending metro construction, with every pothole that i have to endure, with every story of growing gross corruption, with every instance of crime/rape/eve teasing.. i lose hope. and i ave VERY little of it left for my city.

back in the day there were many things i loved about my city. many things i despise it for now. and nothing left to salvage its reputation, except maybe the fact that it is home to people closest to me. theres very little i really LOVE about my city anymore. all i feel for it is cynicism, anger, frustration and a sense of extreme hopelessness.

so in a sense i enjoyed the escape for 3 hours on a pleasant sunday morning. which transported me to a time that is hard to believe existed! and its also left me with a sense of hope, in the circle of life, in the fact that history reinvents itself time and again, that what was once up must come down, and so much the same way every city has a series of life cycles -- a glorious high and a terrible low -- going up and down right through time. it gives me hope that maybe this is how its meant to be, that things must degenerate completely before we see a spark of hope and goodness again. and whats heartening and hope-giving is the fact that bangalore has seen many a historic/legendary/glorious moments in the past. so it is capable. the people are capable. and maybe someday things will change again.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

another journey to remember

the new job is wonderful and im loving every moment of it. most of all, i love how much im learning. every single day has something new to offer. iv just completed 2 months at the new organisation. in a lot of ways its like i just started yesterday. the job has this fantastic habit of throwing something fresh at me every now and then, that i havent had a chance to let my job give me the "same shit, new day" feeling. perhaps that because im living a role i never have. im discovering a function thats a lot larger than anything iv handled before. im involved in things that go beyond what im used to doing. these 2 months have been a time of tremendous learning..

iv learned:
- to take responsibility for more than my share of involvement in a job
- a little bit of servicing and coordination
- to use technology and tools i didnt know how to
- that lotus notes sucks
- a little bit about design, paper quality and printing
- a little about videography, interviews and coordinating them
- how to deal with "vendors"
- how to deal with my "clients" who are actually my counterparts in other lines within my organisation
- how to say no sometimes
- how to be patient and calm in a potentially PISSING OFF (!!) situation
- how to recongnize a bitch when i see one (!)
- that not everyone is as smart as they seem at first
- the best of us slip up and make huge errors
- that rank/hierarchy has very little to do with intellect or respectability
- that those who are ultra friendly and seem extra affectionate, to the point of creeping you out, are probably those you need to stay away from
- that the quiet unassuming people are often the nicest to be around
- that politics exist everywhere and that nobody gets by without a little bit of ass-licking
- that people can so easily give up their personal ethics, values and scruples for a momentary corporate gain
- that theres a lot about the "corporate rat race" thats ugly, but must be endured in order to get by
- that its important to know my side of every story and stand up for it at all costs
- to cover my ass every step of the way
- that this is something im really good at
- that iv finally found what i was looking for
- that when you hot upon the right mix of work/challenge/results, the result is a
heady kind of satisfaction

its nice to wake up everyday looking forward to work. and to go to sleep not feeling
crabby about the fact that you have to wake up to a new day in a few hours. perhaps its a little too soon to speak, and im trying hard not to jinx this here, but im glad for the way my professional life has gone..the twists and turns it has taken..the people i have met, experiences iv had and all that it has contributed to where i am today.

its been a long road getting here when i sit back and think about it. i started
somewhere, have been through a lot of stuff, tasted different things, sampled them, made comparisons, judged things, made what i thought were informed decisions..all the time watching out for that perfect something. today, i find myself in a lovely position. in a job that inspires me to go beyond just completing my 2 bit for the day and earning a salary that automatically comes to me at the end of the month. i guess they dont call it a "journey" for nothing.

creep

an old song came on on my ipod. an old favourite. i tripped to it for entirely different reasons about 2 years ago. back in the day when the remnants of teenage hormones were still very very evident. making me rebelious and angry and cynical for no apparent reason.

today though, the song hit a different chord with me. and it echoes different meanings. and its been on repeat ever since.

but im a creep,
im a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i dont belong here

i dont care if it hurts,
i wanna have control
one perfect body
one perfect soul

creep, radiohead

life's short..

life's short.
yet, we prefer to be stuck in thankless, dead beat jobs.

life's short.
yet, we chose to sit in the corner and cry, rather than do something about things that upset us.

life's short.
yet, we dont want to sit up and be thankful for what we have.

life's short.
yet, we find it easier to slip into the mundane than hit refresh every now and then.

life's short.
yet, in the end we're all just slaves to money. and then we die.

life's short.
yet, we can never really understand just how short.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

the rain came down

its raining outside. but harder inside of me. theres so much i cant make sense of, so much i want to understand and deal with. why is everything so distant today?

today, now, more than ever, i miss ammas hugs. the warmth that comes with it is like collapsing into a pile of cotton. except its cottony on the outside and rock solid on the inside. i can always depend on her. to make sense of things, to face the world in all its manic splendour. to deal with reality. face it and come out smiling.

my very own kaala bandar

so the kaala bandar..its the biggest reason why nobody i know liked the delhi 6. because it was unrealistic, unnecessary and didnt fit into the scheme of things. but i dont agree. i thought it was the best, most apt metaphor for the way we are as a country. as a society that plays on, and acts only on fear.

iv seen it only a million times before. fear is the single motivator for all our actions in society. everything is governed by fear. whether its a decision about whom to marry, how to get married, whom to invite, the level of satisfaction one gets from ones relationships, who one chooses to be friends with, what one does in an unhappy marriage, what to do for a living, our religion, beliefs, value systems, when one chooses to flower into an independent self-thinking individual. sometimes people go through entire lives without discovering that feeling of liberation. all because of the kaala bandar.

hahaha..so this kaala bandar is some ridiculous monkey-skin-clad menace thats making trouble all over delhi 6. but this stupid hairy menace makes a real point through the story. part of it is a figment of everybodys imagination. through peoples fears, prejudices and emotions, this silly monkey takes all kinds of forms, new accessories getting added to his demeanor everytme someone thinks they see him. or should i say it?

everybodys personal fears begin to get projected on this mysterious creature which in reality, nobody has seen :). situations and events in the movie seemed so real to me. we live in a society thats too afraid to think for themselves. a society that will believe anything it is told, including the fact that a "kaala bandar" with thick black fur and long fingernails and A CIRCUIT FLASHING RED AND GREEN LIGHTS embedded in his chest (!!) is creating havoc around the neighbourhood. kaala bandar to me symbolised all the things, the masks, the blinders people use to cover their eyes from the truth. the real shitty state their lives are reduced to. because its so much easier to spin an interesting fantastic story, than look within and face the truth about themselves. the truth that questions their religion, their social eliefs, their "customs" -- many of whch have been foloowed blindly without anyone stopping to think if theyre even relevant or applicable anymore.

delhi 6 was a movie that held a mirror up to the times and situations i live through everyday. in big ways and small im faced by these fears. our very own personal kaala bandar, that is stuck inside of us. and makes us play the tricks he wishes us to. whether its an irrational "tradition", or a habit that has been glorified as a social custom that must never be challenged. this kaala bandar is always dancing around, and sometimes we end up dancing to his tunes. and most often it makes us pull the blinds over our eyes, and keeps us away form the truth. which would be a harder path to take, but definitely a more liberating one.

theres a kaala bandar inside of me too. he stops me from being who i am, when im contended with a situation that will judge/question who i really am. he cautions me when i dont need to be. he makes me think things i dont need to. he slowly tries to convert the free spirit inside me, into a fearful and timid being. he tries over and over to silence my brain that works overtime and likes to think for itself.

how long will it be before my own little kaala bandar wins this battle?
how long will we continue to cover our eyes and forget whats right in front of us?
how long will we continue to swim around in the shit, deluding ourselves that our actions and thoughts can miraculously turn the CRAP into perfumed flowers?
how long will we be slaves to tradition, time, age old beliefs and ways to do things?
how long will we let the kaala bandar inside each of us dictate so much of our everyday existence?
how long will we continue to let our brains and capacity to think freely rot and decay inside?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

dont go changing to try and please me

so what does it mean to truly love/respect someone?

Friday, March 13, 2009

the games we play

im so sick of people and their twisted ways. why are human beings so complicated? why do they love to complicate their lives further?

iv seen so much deceit, hate, jealousy, triumph and victory, condescending attitudes, lies, fear, confusion and god knows what else all through this week.

im so sick of it. the people i am talking about have so much going for them. talent, intelligence, a mind of their own, good homes, opportunities..yet they stoop to such sickeningly low levels to get one up on another.

the games people play are just so absurd. i just dont understand motives, the way peoples minds function, the way they do things, why they do them, what do they get?

doesnt it then, make them just as good as their so called "enemies"? all for a temporary one-up-man-ship? doesnt it soon fade away..when reality catches up? and what goes around comes around?

how long can one lie to oneself, and delude oneself into believing your own truth? doesnt that bubble break at some point? and then what?? does anyone ever think about the long-term effects of their actions?

i guess not. if they did, i get they wouldnt be caught up in this corporate rat race to begin with.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

im proud

this is just a small post to say im really proud of a certain someone who has earned himself a self-paid trip to thailand. his first trip out of the country in all the 24 years of his life.

he did it like he said he would. and i think it takes a lot :)

i hope you have a complete blast and think of me at some point, and maybe bring me back an elephant!

reunite!

the past few days iv discovered several old friends. still considered "friends" in my mind..even though distance, cross-continent travel and sometimes just the passage of time has widened the gaps between us.

i discovered samarth is a regular here.

poorvi suddenly popped me a mail!

through her, i rediscovered shruthis lovely blog!

and the whammy.. i bumped into a friend i havent spoken to, met, seen since 10th grade, yesterday at TGIF! it was odd and nice all at the same time.

so it was nice to discover some of them still linger around..and "lurk" around here -- my blog -- this virtual social-circle-together-bringer-of-sorts, that it is!

i also realised that more people read my blog than id imagined. so its always nice to know people come back here to read. especially when you know your blog only aims to put thoughts/feelings/memories/events down in a place where its okay to say things the way you think them. without punctuation, grammar, censorship even!

so if youre here reading this..whether youre here for the first time, second time, or whatever, leave a comment! so i know who you are! heres me calling out to all my bloggies..give me a shout back!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

and sometimes you come across something so beautiful..

http://nychthemeron.blogspot.com/2008/05/happy-birthday-puttachi.html

just read this post on an old friends blog, that i have rediscovered.

needless to say, it made me cry.. happy tears, though, i suspect :)

i love the complete uninhibited, untainted love that comes across in this post. the kind of love only a mother can have. and when i think about the author, and how we met and how much time has passed since then, it seems all too amazing that we have all moved on so much. some of us married, some with babies, some pursuing long studies, some still persisting with music, some have crossed borders and moved to new countries...

and to think all of us met in a room in my old home, all between the ages of 6-13 trying to learn music. a bunch of giggling, childish, but very talented "kids"..and to think so much has changed since..and to think this is actually all possible with the passage of time.. seems just too overwhelming all of a sudden.

sloth

in addition to becoming a cry baby, it seems there are also prominent traces of a lazy lump, a hibernating bear, a beached whale and erm, did i mention a lazy lump, im me.

i think theres a limit to how much one can snooze the alarm and go back to sleep. But i seem to be breaking all those limits.

i need someone to kick my butt out of bed every morning at 6 am, and its just not working.

Monday, March 09, 2009

moved to tears

iv turned into a cry baby of sorts. the slightest, most absurd, biggest, happiest, saddest things have brought me down to tears of late..

i cried about my grannys surgery. even though shes come home feeling better.
i cried when i watched benjamin button. the end was just too gut wrenching.
i cried several times through milk. but in the end i just couldnt hold it back and the tears just flowed.
i cried over a helpless situation in my life. until my mom showed me a way out.
i cried about why people care so much about looks. until vc showed me thats not true.
i cried when i heard of an adopted baby. whos doing so well.
i cried when i heard of a friend whos fought a psychological disorder through therapy, and has made a comeback into our lives, after over a year of hate and silence.
i cried through the end of delhi 6. even though i saw it a second time and didnt think it would move me again. but that movie really did something to me. of all the movies possible, it did. it hit home and made me cry.

i think reality does that. reality; good bad positive negative surprising or not; has the capacity to move you. and this weekend i was so moved, by so many different things.