helpless

i had a moment yesterday. an overwhelming, over-powering, debilitating and crush-you-under-its-might sort of feeling. i felt like it had ripped my insides apart. like i was a nothing in the face of what i was feeling. and then i cried.

a moment of helplessness. a moment of tremendous injustice. a moment of humility. a moment of futility. a moment of empathy. a moment of complete insignificance. a moment of rage. a moment of understanding. a moment of feeling sick of everything. a moment of disgust. all wrapped into one.

but most of all it was a moment of truth. a sudden consuming feeling of realising that nothing really is a pretty picture. that things arent as rosy for the whole world, as they may be for me. that i have it way too easy in life. that i have everything i could ever have wanted. that the little boy who travels over 10 km after school, from the outskirts of bangalore to nehru circle, to sell 50-100 rupees worth of laddus, to support his family; probably knows what life really is. that im just so goddamn protected in this little bubble of comfort. that i will never really break that bubble on my own. that i will forever an alien to the larger section of our people, who live lives of struggle.

and then i wonder, is the world really a happy place to be? when the boy answered, "i go to school all day, and come here in the evenings to sell", with the biggest brightest smile i had seen all day, i had my answer.

of course, what am i trying to achieve by sharing this through this pseudo-intellectual, niche medium of expression? i dont know. im just trying to put a finger on what i felt. utterly helpless.