Saturday, July 15, 2006

theres something weird...

...about suicide. i cant put my finger on it. it makes the most distant and otherwise inconspicuous, arbit people seem significant and close to you. i didnt even know him too well.. a distant cousin through some distant relations..but i cant get his face out of my head. i dont think im grieving. i dont think its sorrow. im blank and im shocked. im disturbed and i cant make sense of it. i dont understand suicide. i dont know what it must be like to be pushed THAT far. i dont know how an otherwise brilliant, smart, successful person, blessed with family and friends and lots of money could be pushed to the point of wanting to end his life. without warning. without leaving any evidence..no notes, no reasons. just a big fat surprise. a rude shock. then again, is that all we need to be happy / content / at peace? i dont know. what goes through ones head when you're about to do it? what degree of loneliness or guilt or inadequacy must one feel to want to stop existing? what level of weakness, or the lack of conviction to fight it out must one possess to feel so incapacitated? i dont know..or maybe i do. i dont know..

i need to get it out of my system. this weird feeling in my stomach. all the unanswered questions and the uneasiness of the word 'death'. its so bloody final, stone cold, like a ice mould that slams its doors shut on something that was once alive and felt things, normal human feelings. now just stopped.

6 comments:

Manu said...

i dont think anyone of us can truly comprehend what death must be like.. what if all senses and perception truly cease when we die, if everything just fades to less than black, without anyone even being there to perceive absence or presence, darkness or light.. death might be such an absolute end to everything that sadness or loss don't even figure into the experience. then again, it might be a great freedom from the weight of the world, and all its lies, unfulfilled desires, hurt and love. i really don't know how to react to death either. i don't think we are meant to.

Manu said...

and while we're alive and on earth, i think the best thing to do is to embrace our humanity and imperfection. death is a powerful and absolute, abstract concept, but life, love and joy are equally powerful in their intangibility.. our best bet is to hang on to what we've got and never let go, for whatever we're worth.

Manu said...

ps. im really sorry for your family's loss.

haathi said...

funerals are the worst. nobody knows what happened, or why and they cant control the way they feel. its even worse when the person who died was young and hale and hearty. just terribly alone.

u know who said...

dude sorry about the wqhole deal!!!
i know how these things get to u especially....nat a worrying life has it's fuck ups what to do??....big hug!!!

akshay said...

yeah, it must suck. so much for the indian family thing and support system. all old ppl i know used to make fun of westerners, syaing how they chuck kids out at 18 and everyone goes to old age homes and commits suicide cos there's no lowe and family bonding. well, step right up folks, to a little bit of americana, right here, cold hearts and all.

thoo