looking back (again)...

...at the way things have changed in just a matter of 15 days is overwhelming when i think about it. like just now, sitting here eating chikki, listening to lucky man and pondering over how weird things have become. not weird in a bad sense. but weird meaning unusually different, from the life i knew.

15 days ago i had no schedule. my days began and ended when i pleased, and i did whatever i wanted in between. and often i felt disoriented and unproductive and like i wished i had something useful to do. but i also didnt mind wasting entire afternoons away, lazing around, reading, sitting in barista for hours on end without ordering, driving across town to meet friends, feeling totally wasted and enjoying the freedom at the same time wishing someone would give me a job.

now its so different. my days are filled with nothing but work. i wake up and go there and the day feels endless and long and hectic. even though all i do is sit at my desk and think and write and hope what i write is good enough, and i think some more, and smile at people, chit-chat a bit, drink coffee, eat lunch, work some more, try and figure out whats expected of me. this goes on for what feels like an eternity. and before i know it its almost 8. im not used to sit in one place for so long. i fidget, im restless, im distracted. but i guess i have to get used to it. almost like selling my life to work, accepting its the only thing to do, resigning to the fact that all else must come second. because thinking about movies and dinner and fun and friends makes me horribly restless and apparently it shows and gives off an air of indifference towards my work.

friends have gone, some may not return im told. its all too much to take. and then i got my bank statements, documents and my debit card today. and it hit me like a ton of bricks. i dont want to 'grow up'. i dont want to think about how much things have changed. how suddenly life is different.

but there have been positives also. im learning what its really like to be accountable for what you do, what it is to take on a 'job', to train your mind to focus and stop it from thinking things that make you fidget and be restless, to learn to think before you speak, to train yourself to respond right, to learn to deal with all sorts of people, to tweak something over and over and not give up till you've got it right, to labour over a little piece of writing no matter how insignificant it may seem, to hunt for a single perfect picture for over 2 hours. my folks dont care what time i come home, as long as im safe and they know where i am. i dont have time to watch tv. i come home only to worry about spending time with fammily, cleaning up my room and getting online. wow..its overwhelming just to think about it. life has become so streamlined even in its sudden openness. like its brought in focus even though its liberated me. like its binding me to newer things and freeing me from older things.

im grateful. despite the ups and downs, the idiot manager, the unsettled feeling, the weird schedule, the lack of sleep time, the non-existent weekends..im just really glad.

ps: this nostalgic, looking-back retrospective mood has been coming a while now. its my biggest preoccupation. i think its just a milestone in coming to terms with change and getting used to the new way.