ithaka again

i hate men and their fuckall way of thinking and jumping to some fuckall conclusions. i hate getting to that point where NOTHING makes sense anymore and the confusion and sadness is like a place to revel in and it becomes my elixir of life. bleah!!

what cock. i love to be happy. i love to forget about yesterday and live for today and hope like hell tomorrow will be a better day. i love to fight and i love to find ways to get through everyday trials. sometimes i like to run away into a corner and give up and cry to myself. but i hate fighting and bickering and arguing. i hate it when relationships with people become issue and crisis based and always about sorting something out which involves massive arguements and hurting people you care about in trying to make yourself heard. i cant wait for work to begin, so i can have something constructive to put my energy into and do something useful and satisfying and not have so much time to sit and sulk and worry about all day. i know all my demons are in my head, yet sometimes its hard to brush them aside.

aargh. i want to go out alone and treat myself to chinese food all to myself. and clear my head. i crave simplicity. i crave innocence. i crave peace of mind and freedom from mundane unnecessary complexities.

ithaka - constantine petrou cavafy..love this poem. blogged it earlier, but everytime i read it i feel like it couldnt have made more sense to me.

as you set out for ithaka
hope your road is a long one,full of adventure, full of discovery.
laistrygonians, cyclops,
angry poseidon-dont be afraid of them:you'll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
laistrygonians, cyclops,wild poseidon-you wont encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

hope your road is a long one.
may there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbors you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind-
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

keep ithaka always in your mind.
arriving there is what you're destined for.
but dont hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting ithaka to make you rich.
ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
without her you wouldnt have set out.
she has nothing left to give you now.
and if you find her poor, ithaka wont have fooled you.
wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these ithakas mean.