on opportunity

opportunity is missed by most people because its dressed in overalls and looks like work.
-thomas edison

what a thought..ayyo.

random

took this picture at jp nagar. godforsaken crotch of bangalore, behind the back of beyond..makes me slightly sad. bangalore - growing too big for its own good. deplorable.

on a cheerier note..im listening to afterglow. i had NO idea what it sounds like. not a big inxs fan. not a big rockstar inxs fan either. but i downloaded the song just now, out of the blue, just for kicks..without having any idea what was downloading. its so not what i was expecting. its so unexpected. so refreshing!

and i LOVE it.

also, after much hunting i found the song in the nseries ad. turns out it was moby, like id guessed. its all wheeee!

and i LOVE it.

the usual happy cd goes to work everyday with me..when i get my own computer, i have to sit and figure out a not-so-tedious-way to transfer my music.

and i LOVE it.

im feeling random. maybe its because im feeling peaceful.

looking back (again)...

...at the way things have changed in just a matter of 15 days is overwhelming when i think about it. like just now, sitting here eating chikki, listening to lucky man and pondering over how weird things have become. not weird in a bad sense. but weird meaning unusually different, from the life i knew.

15 days ago i had no schedule. my days began and ended when i pleased, and i did whatever i wanted in between. and often i felt disoriented and unproductive and like i wished i had something useful to do. but i also didnt mind wasting entire afternoons away, lazing around, reading, sitting in barista for hours on end without ordering, driving across town to meet friends, feeling totally wasted and enjoying the freedom at the same time wishing someone would give me a job.

now its so different. my days are filled with nothing but work. i wake up and go there and the day feels endless and long and hectic. even though all i do is sit at my desk and think and write and hope what i write is good enough, and i think some more, and smile at people, chit-chat a bit, drink coffee, eat lunch, work some more, try and figure out whats expected of me. this goes on for what feels like an eternity. and before i know it its almost 8. im not used to sit in one place for so long. i fidget, im restless, im distracted. but i guess i have to get used to it. almost like selling my life to work, accepting its the only thing to do, resigning to the fact that all else must come second. because thinking about movies and dinner and fun and friends makes me horribly restless and apparently it shows and gives off an air of indifference towards my work.

friends have gone, some may not return im told. its all too much to take. and then i got my bank statements, documents and my debit card today. and it hit me like a ton of bricks. i dont want to 'grow up'. i dont want to think about how much things have changed. how suddenly life is different.

but there have been positives also. im learning what its really like to be accountable for what you do, what it is to take on a 'job', to train your mind to focus and stop it from thinking things that make you fidget and be restless, to learn to think before you speak, to train yourself to respond right, to learn to deal with all sorts of people, to tweak something over and over and not give up till you've got it right, to labour over a little piece of writing no matter how insignificant it may seem, to hunt for a single perfect picture for over 2 hours. my folks dont care what time i come home, as long as im safe and they know where i am. i dont have time to watch tv. i come home only to worry about spending time with fammily, cleaning up my room and getting online. wow..its overwhelming just to think about it. life has become so streamlined even in its sudden openness. like its brought in focus even though its liberated me. like its binding me to newer things and freeing me from older things.

im grateful. despite the ups and downs, the idiot manager, the unsettled feeling, the weird schedule, the lack of sleep time, the non-existent weekends..im just really glad.

ps: this nostalgic, looking-back retrospective mood has been coming a while now. its my biggest preoccupation. i think its just a milestone in coming to terms with change and getting used to the new way.

movie night

i watched mi3. i loved it. ever so often, there comes a movie thats a thorough hollywood flick, through and through..down to the last t. and keeps you on the edge of your seat, even though you know how things are eventually going to turn out [part 3's do that to you]. and mi3 fit the bill. quick, dramatic, tons of suspense, slick action scenes, deadly peril and seriously high levels of tension. i loved it. it beat mi2 hollow.

tom cruise is fit. and hes still perfect to play ethan hunt, over and over. bring on 4, 5, 6 and so on. hes hot. hes yum. i want him.

work update

like i told someone today, works been an up and down rollercoaster ride. not one thats been completely thrilling or on the brink of exhilarating or the bordering-on-dangerous-but-still-so-much-fun trip that most amusement park rides are like. its taken me to some really high highs and down in the dumps-below where the scum is also. i cant completely decide what i feel. i cant say i wake up every morning bursting with excitement to get to work, but i dont hate it either. so its a bit mixed. everything was going good till mr. manager [read: fucker] messed things up. im now more unsettled than i was on my first day or week. it makes me angry. especially because mr. manager here is MAJORLY insecure. we sit in the same room and theres this constant undercurrent of you-think-you're-so-smart vibes. he DOES know more than me, and he IS good at what he does..but i dont get why hes so weirded out by me. what could i possibly have done to him in just 2 weeks? in an environment that im totally new to. one that hes been involved with for years now.

gawwd..i want it to be okay. i want to get past petty insecure stupid men. and learn to enjoy work for what it is. without worrying my head with mind-battles like these.

on the sunshiney side..i saw my first assignment in print today. and its quite a high. gives you a big kick. more so to think it came from so many different peoples minds working together.

like i told someone else today, human beings are a weird bunch. you think you've seen strange, but the next 'strange' experience beats the previous one.

thought for today: the rewards of the journey far out-weigh the risks of leaving the harbour.

and thats the way...

i twist your arm,
you twist my leg,
i make you cry,
you make me beg,
i dry your eyes,
you wipe my nose,
and thats the way
the kissing goes.

-william wood

upside down

so there i was all peached out and smug that my job worked out so great. turns out i was the only one that thought so.

i got thrashed in my first review yesterday. and it was hard to digest, internalise and accept. i hate accepting im wrong, more so in a situation where the critique doesnt seem justified. plus i was in a spot, this being first job and all..so i left work early, walked all the way home, under the under-pass, through the smog filled traffic junctions thick with 2 wheeler congestion, with tears streaming down my face. bleah it was the worst day in a while.

my gut feeling said fuck what happened, go for it and fix it, do what it takes and dont give up. but my mind said oh maybe its not right, maybe this was a wrong decision, maybe i shouldnt go back. but i listened to gut over mind..and i went back. only to have a really rough day that ended in such an anti-climax that i wish i could do it all over again, just to change the end and have some drama.

anyway, gist of the long story is that im back on track, having got the approval of a higher authority who pretty much dismissed mr. managers views as a load of hog-wash. so iv learned that managers are not the best kind of humans to have around. especially not on day 10 into your first job ever. i hate insecure people who let petty differences and unfamiliar situations to be a threat. bahh..human beings are strange.

so i didnt lose my job, like i thought i almost did. and i didnt quit, like i thought i almost did. i stayed and made myself heard, which was a big surprise to me. so im rather happy the way things turned out. and im back in the swing of things with more gusto than ever. my first assignment, a news bulletin for a local club, went into print today and im mighty pleased. satisfaction of a job well-done is and recieving encouragement is hard to describe.

if it werent for my mum and akshay, id be a goner by now i think. lots of love..

psych

found this at work yesterday while randomly browsing in the library..and i chuckled to myself. iv felt this way a million times over through the last 3 years of being subjected to abnormal psych.

after reading a book on abnormal psychology-
bow all desires - even unknown one - i had
stand stript before me with their names writ under
and will this make me really sane, i wonder,
or only more intelligently mad

other thoughts that come to mind when studying psych:

• i bet i have this disorder, i fit the bill perfectly
• f*** that sounds like me!
• wow i could get that, and it sounds so bad
• i better stop being so obsessive
• whats the use of studying this? give me some solutions!
• hey i bet fr. v has this!!!
• i want to chuck this and go smell the rain outside

sigh..im so glad its over. looking ahead, today promises to be a good day. except sitting and transcribing an interview, which is very distorted. but purple haze is lurking around somewhere towards the end of the day. except for the no-alcohol-today rule alls good.

things will never be the same

change is the only constant in our lives. and its sometimes too fast and too quick and too drastic to fathom. and sometimes its kind enough to give us time to get in the groove of the newness it brings.

now that im more or less settling into work and my job there and enjoying it, iv had time to sit and think about everything thats going to be different. things have changed drastically. i go to work, im out of commission for close to 9 hours a day. my friends have all gone their own ways. some to study, some to take a year out, some to get married, some to travel. and i dont know how many i will be in touch with.

akshay will go back to college in august. pooja finally got what she wanted and is off to bombay next week, to chase her language dream. lisa is travelling in europe and later in the states. and i going to be cut away from it all. in my bubble. i dont know what im going to do..when i need to talk nonsense and yap the evening away, when i need to laugh about the most inane and not so inane things for no apparent reason, when i want my spirits to be lifted, when i want to eat loochi at kc das, when i want to go to the drag, when i come home and suddenly want chinese for dinner, when i want to go to pondi, when i need someone to talk to in the middle of the night, when i need some dedicated haze time, when i need to watch chick flicks at home, when i want someone to remind me of the hope, when i want to be sentimental, when i want criticism, when i want to take off on a wild road-trip..

..when i want to have some fun, with people who i had so much fun with, when i want a friend.

working out the happiness in me

currently on massive endorphin rush. decided id had enough of my no-music phase, and my no-exercise phase. so i downloaded some music [with a vengeance] and i got on the treadmill and ran like a mad woman [with a vengeance].

i havent really properly had any music to listen to, except here and there sometimes when i drive. but that doesnt count. my stereo is jacked. laptop that i used to hook up to the stereo doesnt work too well either, as a result. been too lazy to load playlists on winamp since my computer got formatted. and i havent been driving all that much anyway, so that officially deleted all the music from my life.

i havent gymmed or worked out in something like 45 days. and im officially sick of it. im ashamed because the summers come and gone and i didnt swim even once. and i didnt get down to squash. shame!

i listen to the widest most bizzare variety of music. everything from pink floyd, led zeppelin and the doors, to ozzy osbourne, aerosmith and nirvana, to new pop and some hip-hop..the usual u2, aerosmith, bon jovi types also and almost anything that gets me happy and groovy.

current playlist is one of those instant-happy-inducing kinds. im not in the mood for sombre and deep music. im out of the coldplay phase for now. and im off the led zepp trip. im done listening to assorted old limewire downloads. this cd was made to accompany the endorphin rush.

• eple - royksopp
• what else is there - royksopp [thin white duke funk mix] [YEAH!!!]
• drop the pressure - mylo
• teardrop - massive attack
• free loop - daniel powter [yes, i cant believe i like it]
• get right - j lo [:O]
• where'd you go - fort minor
• sunday mornings - maroon 5
• rome wasnt built in a day - morcheeba
• bittersweet symphony - the verve
• bittersweet home - limp bizkit
• one - u2 and mary j blige
• babylon - david gray
• madan - martin solveig and salif kieta [spinn days]
• swamp thing - the grid
• sunset - nitin sawhney

and then i ran, like theres no tomorrow. and worked the happiness out from the deep recesses of my cobwebby mind. and i felt happy like theres no tomorrow.

blog crisis

the computer 'genius' [read: useless piece of no-nothing-about-computers] in me tried to fiddle around with my blog template, to tweak things a little. i dont know what i was thinking. because i know NOTHING about it. so my template got fucked. everything turned white. and then i freaked out. thought id lost my blog completely. until more educated people [read: suntikoppa manu] called me names and helped me 'reset' the thing, and revive it.

me and my stupid brain thing. too smart for my own good sometimes.

pure surprise

i felt something yesterday, that i havent in a long time. PURE surprise combined with complete wonder. the sort that just strikes you down like something too powerful for you to get a grip on instantly. the sort that you just cant make any sense of. the sort thats so unbelievable that it makes you KNOW theres something to it.

when you lose track of time sitting in your cubicle working ..when the noise inside has drowned the noise of the pouring rain.

when you come out and you see mr big head in the dark, with big helmet on head standing under a scantily dressed tree to keep out of the rain. waiting for you to finish, to take you home.

sigh i love lifes little surprises.

chiclet

so all these new girls with their fresh and not-so-fresh rebonded hair, in varying states of straightness waltzed in. in their ultra hip low tight jeans, with those funny belts, toothpick legs, weird pokey looking shoes, BLING [!] jewelry, strangely sparkly shimmery make up, that im-so-hot-give-me-some-brains look. and all at 5 30 pm. its a bit much to take all that gloss and glitter when the sun is still shining outside. between all their shrieky high-pitched helloooos and greetings and all the kissing in the air, suddenly all eyes are on me sitting there in my checked faded buttoned down shirt, grubby jeans and 7 year old floaters, and i get the wow-what-planet-are-you-from? look. followed by the you-SO-dont-belong-here look.

then the snug armpit hugging teeny-tiny bag opens and a comb comes out and the hair is smoothed back in place. and the shrieking and high pitched conversation continues till they're seated. like some premature induction to kitty parties. they all look like different coloured versions of the same doll. out of the same mould. same hair, same clothes, same accessories, same phones. bah.

and one of them turns all the way back to look at me - regular chic with regular real hair, no make up, a boring bag with stuff thrown in, waiting for someone whos always late. suddenly i realise i know one of them. no wonder i didnt recognise her earlier. shes changed. A LOT. we used to take the same bus to school. when she'd envy me because i was allowed to go out with friends, have dinner or watch night shows in male company, when i went to the freshers party, when i went to the bryan adams concert, when she had a 7 o clock curfew, and she had to slog her ass off studying science because her parents 'told her so' and didnt give her a choice.

the worlds a funny place. 4 years down the line i feel like i havent changed so much in these basic ways, in who i am and the way i am. and people my age, friends from school seem so different and so far away from where i still am. where i chose to stay.

i guess cardiff was a liberating experience for her. she got to see the world outside of her house on 17th cross malleswaram, and the extended world that was coffee day malleswaram. i was already free..so nothings really changed in a way.

slip

i live in a very real world. i mean real, as in everything around me, i can sense or touch or feel or taste. its REAL. real things, real people, real feelings, real reality. tangibles, people i know, people i meet, things i do, feelings i feel, things i aquire..its all real.

real situations. real light. real sound. real smells. real touch. that perfect bed. that outstanding cheese cake. that warm home-made lunch. the presence of loving people. that encouraging pat. that make-anything-better hug. coming home. the blue sky. the yellow blossoms. sunlight in my face. wet floaters. the traffic jam. all that money. chinese food. feeling in love. feeling happy. feeling lonely. feeling ecstatic. feeling tired. wanting your bed, like nothing else. its all so real.

and yet, the only thing that keeps me occupied almost all the time, are thoughts about things that arent real. the future. its a faraway non-reality. and its all i think about. the unraveling future. unending possibilities. unfulfilled dreams. everything out of my reach. so far to go. fantasy. imagination. desire. wishful thinking.

im going back to the future. and i love every moment of it.

clash and crash

sometimes i have a great day, and the moment i step into my home, everything comes crashing down. i walked in today dripping wet, after a long day at work, hungry, aching from woman pains, still damn happy for the way this week has turned out for me [nobody else seems to care, or has bothered to let me know] and all i got was is-this-how-its-going-to-be, why-didnt-you-eat-this, you-dont-talk-or-eat-with-us-anymore, you-will-not-go-out, youre-insensitive-and-selfish. and i dont know why. maybe everyone else is pmsing also. gist: everything came crashing down.

and i swear to god i dont know what went wrong. i dont know what more im 'supposed' to do, to fit in, and be perfect and meet 'the expectations'. it is nice to be appreciated for what you do sometimes, and not always hear how you suck and single-handedly ruin everything possible. because really if you can enter a place and fuck everyones mood up in the first 5 minutes, theres got to be something wrong somewhere.

and i swear to god, all i do is try and i cant do much more. i want to just go on hibernate mode at such times. stop caring what people feel, stop feeling anything myself. and just exist like a zombie, numb to it all.

all anyone around here does anymore is watch football. im fucking sick of it. i havent watched my regular shows in 2 weeks i think. iv been out a lot this week. thank god for that. i will be a willing victim to extended work hours from now on. so that i can delay coming home. so that i can come home, eat and sleep. wake up the next day and leave again.

i needed to rant. now that iv had it out, i feel much better.

haathime

kunal made this. and emailed it to me today.

funny how the word spreads.

funny how a name sticks. meaningless as it may be.

funny the ways in which people remember you and think of you and appear out of nowhere, out of the blue..over long distances. graphically. electronically. pixellated.

everybody aims to be happy

everybody aims to be happy. and we strive to find in everything we do. some through ways and means that are close to their hearts and others sometimes take the easy way out. instant gratification. a dubious act. a long-drawn chase..all for some happiness. sometimes it comes easy and sometimes we embark on difficult journeys, which when completed result in proportionately higher levels of happiness.

we find happiness in many things. acceptance, assurance, belonging, approval, caring, nurturing, success, acquiring, possessing, owning, achievment, rebellion, freedom, love, adventure, perfection, pride, fantasy, misdemeanour, beauty, peace, warmth, sin.. and when we cant have it our way, or see the fruits of our goal-oriented endevour to find happiness and happiness alone, we do one of two things. some of us give up, and decide it really wasnt meant to be. or we pick up where we left off, and strive and strive again till it hurts, and we have what we set out looking for.

no matter what path of the maze we choose to take, how long it takes, how lost we get, who wins the race, what obstacles we encounter, the road to happiness that we so desperately seek to walk is not an easy one. more often than not it brings difficulty, embarrassment, pain, dejection, failure and defeat. but for those who stick it out till the end and see the light of happiness, glowing like a piece of cheese at the end of the last leg of this meandering maze, the end makes it all worthwhile. that meeting with that burst of energy is mind blowing. its pure. its called happiness. and it comes with a price.

its everyones ultimate goal in life. all things must lead to happiness in some form or the other. or whats the point?

me - today

my first day at work was far easier and far more settled and happier than i imagined. i had a great day. the team at work is a small and tightly knit one, so everyone knows everyone and everyone is free with everyone, from the top of the management to the coffee-maker. just my kind of place. workwise, i did nothing but look at tons and tons of their previous work and campaigns and websites and brochures designed by them, and tried to get a feel of the sort of work they do, their clients and the companys philosophy and attitude to work itself. and it WAS productive. i was expecting to be loitering around not knowing quite what to do with myself..but everyone was helpful in showing me how stuff works, smiling and being very friendly and warm and i instantly felt like a part of the team. this was the factor that drew me to the place, at the very beginning. something just felt RIGHT.

its like a big family, and im the newly adopted child. and i already feel like a part of the family. i cant wait to begin work full scale. it looks like the right kind of place for me, i will essentially be a writer, but i have a feeling i could soon branch out and do other stuff as well..depending on how much time i spend learning the ropes. its exciting and very happiness inducing. also, im officially a wage earner now. muhahaha..

taking time out to work, was the BEST decision iv made in a while.

weird and new

yesterday was a very weird day.
i felt schizo.
i cried a lot.
i drove around aimlessly.
i won a free holiday to goa [which i didnt take].
a bird shat on me.

today i begin work.
im excited.
im nervous.
i dont know what to expect or whats expected of me.
i dont know what im going to be doing.
im really happy and excited to make a beginning.

here i go again on my own

this thing we call life, it has this nasty bloody habit of being 2-faced. i hate to sound so cynical, but nothing lasts forever does it? every cloud has a silver lining, and every silver lining has a host of dark clouds hiding just over the horizon. bah.

just when the goings good and you have so much going for you and so much to be happy and excited about and a lot to cherish and love..SPLAT! the shit appears from nowhere..hits the fan..and makes its way down at double speed.

and then the cycle begins again. we all pick up and clean up and start over. its all a quest to just stay happy and find some consistency in life. thats all it boils down to. here i go again. tomorrow will be a new day. "the beginning of the rest of my life."

bittersweet home

bits and pieces from whats playing on winamp now. never thought id listen to limp bizkit [yes, thats limp bizkit] on repeat..this happens a lot with me - i get hooked to a song and it plays over and over and over on repeat till its almost a part of my psyche..

i guess im a dreamer
my heart is gold
i had to run away high so i wouldnt come home low
just when things went right, didnt mean they were always wrong
just take this song and you'll never feel left all alone
take me to your heart, feel me in your bones
just one more night and im coming off this long and winding road
im on my way home sweet home

the original is by motley crue..and this cover is mixed with lb's version of bittersweet symphony. which is the other song on repeat all through my drive home today. iv had a crazy day, but something about the right song at the right time makes me smile. haha.

well i never pray, but tonight im on my knees
i need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me
i let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, i feel free now
but the airways are clean and theres nobody singing to me now

man its like the ONLY song iv heard by the verve. but it makes up.

wanting

i want to watch mi3
i want to be given a footrub or a back massage
i want to be treated to a deliciously expensive/exotic chinese/thai meal
i want to go to goa
i want to ride on an elephant
i want to sink my face in my baby cousins belly
i want to blow soap bubbles
i want to watch horribly cheesy romantic comedies on dvd
i want to walk in the rain
i want to visit europe
i want to have clear skin
i want to drink some beer
i want to have my own home
i want to be less lazy
i want to be less cranky
i want to be less moody
i want to lie in a garden and watch the clouds change
i want to sit on the gate post and watch kids play galli cricket
i want to eat at 'big chef' with the junked refridgerator door tables
i want to go watch u2 live
i want to own a stereo again goddammit
i want to live the life i want
i want to feel a quiet kind of happiness
i want to meet friends who understand me
i want to see my parents leave me alone and trust that i turned out ok
i want to escape
i want to dream
i want to experience a simple, hassle-free peaceful life
i want to be rich
i want to be alone

:D

ithaka again

i hate men and their fuckall way of thinking and jumping to some fuckall conclusions. i hate getting to that point where NOTHING makes sense anymore and the confusion and sadness is like a place to revel in and it becomes my elixir of life. bleah!!

what cock. i love to be happy. i love to forget about yesterday and live for today and hope like hell tomorrow will be a better day. i love to fight and i love to find ways to get through everyday trials. sometimes i like to run away into a corner and give up and cry to myself. but i hate fighting and bickering and arguing. i hate it when relationships with people become issue and crisis based and always about sorting something out which involves massive arguements and hurting people you care about in trying to make yourself heard. i cant wait for work to begin, so i can have something constructive to put my energy into and do something useful and satisfying and not have so much time to sit and sulk and worry about all day. i know all my demons are in my head, yet sometimes its hard to brush them aside.

aargh. i want to go out alone and treat myself to chinese food all to myself. and clear my head. i crave simplicity. i crave innocence. i crave peace of mind and freedom from mundane unnecessary complexities.

ithaka - constantine petrou cavafy..love this poem. blogged it earlier, but everytime i read it i feel like it couldnt have made more sense to me.

as you set out for ithaka
hope your road is a long one,full of adventure, full of discovery.
laistrygonians, cyclops,
angry poseidon-dont be afraid of them:you'll never find things like that on your way
as long as you keep your thoughts raised high,
as long as a rare excitement
stirs your spirit and your body.
laistrygonians, cyclops,wild poseidon-you wont encounter them
unless you bring them along inside your soul,
unless your soul sets them up in front of you.

hope your road is a long one.
may there be many summer mornings when,
with what pleasure, what joy,
you enter harbors you're seeing for the first time;
may you stop at phoenician trading stations
to buy fine things,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
sensual perfume of every kind-
as many sensual perfumes as you can;
and may you visit many egyptian cities
to learn and go on learning from their scholars.

keep ithaka always in your mind.
arriving there is what you're destined for.
but dont hurry the journey at all.
Better if it lasts for years,
so you're old by the time you reach the island,
wealthy with all you've gained on the way,
not expecting ithaka to make you rich.
ithaka gave you the marvelous journey.
without her you wouldnt have set out.
she has nothing left to give you now.
and if you find her poor, ithaka wont have fooled you.
wise as you will have become, so full of experience,
you'll have understood by then what these ithakas mean.

back

no matter where i go, how long im away, how much fun iv had and how memorable any trip is, when im back home i ALWAYS feel relieved to be back. in my room, in my bed, my loo, at my computer. theres no place like home.

but i did have a great 4 days in bombay. i did nothing, but spend time at home with my grand parents and cousins. i didnt visit anyone except immediate family and we had a bhel puri and chaat party, which was fun, because i got to meet some cousins i havent seen in a while now. and the chaat was to die for, i think its the best iv ever eaten anywhere! and we had mango and tender coconut ice cream from natural.

other than that i was happy that i got to be at home as much as i could because thats all i intended to do. i didnt intend to shop, or drag myself all around bombay visiting relatives and friends. i slept, played, entertained, read, ate, ate, ATE, chilled out, played some more, watched, sighed, wished, dreamt, wached some more in awe..babies are a miracle.

i hate goodbyes. i hate any goodbyes. and the drive from home to the airport via sion, and through dharavi is mighty depressing. bombay is a weird city with huge extremes in the way people live their lives. the disparity blows my mind. and my head is bursting with thoughts about the city and what it makes me feel like..but il save that for another post.

its good to be back!!!!

ps: the kids in the picture are my adorably cute and incredibly mind blogglingly sweet cousins.

babies in bombay

im in bombay. im not a big fan of the city itself. bombay to me = grand parents home. which is also now home to my baby cousins..aged 9 yrs and 11.5 months respectively. i rarely leave home when im here. sit at home, be pampered, stuff my face, soak in the grand parents feeling and sleep a lot..all of which results in getting fat. but i dont care. grand parents homes are meant for that.

theres something ultra innocent about babies. its like a momentary escape into that world of i-know-nothing-and-you-can-see-it-in-my-eyes..and in those big eyes shaped like almonds and look like pools of cool fluid, you can see the world of innocence. when i say innocence, i mean that pure and untampered look, that look thats so real. clean baby breath is intoxicating! and smooth baby bums are the best! its mindblowing. and i can get engrossed in this smooth skin, sweet breath and innocent eyes world forever..that is of course the almost-1-year old, im talking about. mr.big boy-9-year old, is at the age where we watch cartoon network and kiddy movies and i get to regress to age 10 and laugh and be kooky and love it!

this is fun. and i have 4 days to make the most of it.

goa

THE MOST awesome beach iv been too. in goa. and i havent been back there since. ah, sigh... i will only go to goa again, when we can go together.

chocolate and me

and i dont know what id do without chocolate. chocolate fantasys rock. hot chocolate is heaven. chocolate fudge from ooty was interesting. hot chocolate fudge at corner house is a large part of my weekly sin dose. i love chocolate spread on bread. i love chocolate wafers. i love chocolate softys. i love chocolate doughnuts. i love brownies. i love chocolate milkshake. hot, cold, solid, liquid, molten, frozen, hard, soft..chocolate is good in almost all forms, except in combination with mint. im not such a big fan of those.

i ate a piece of toblerone today. then a mug of hot chocolate at the leela, while the rain came down in bucketfuls, while we sat watching out of the large windows, seated in regal looking furniture. it rained really bad today. i was drenched to the bone, like a dog in the rain with wet scruffy hair. so the hot chocolate was soothing, and warm and thick and warmed me as it went down my throat..and we sat around mocking the pseuds, the extra rich teeny boppers, the gay looking laptop wallahs, the fat aunties dressed in glitzy clothes for their saturday evening shopping spree at the leela galleria, the anorexic wannabe dressed in bright red trying so hard to light her cigarette. what fun. and there we were, easily the most badly dressed and uncouth looking people. me in my wet jeans and baggy tshirt, jeans rolled up, soaking floaters and akshay in his drenched jeans and baggy tshirt. both of us with oily wet sticky hair, and we strutted into the place like its just another barista. which it is i suppose. so we didnt care, and we didnt stop mocking, and we didnt stop laughing at ourselves, and we didnt stop being the way we are anywhere else, and we had what we usually do, and we didnt stop having a good time.

and then there was more driving in the rain..and the arduous traffic, alllll the way back home, this time with a change of music.

oh i also had a chocolate fantasy after dinner. pigged out today.

i cant decide..

which one is the nicer picture. im quite a 'colour' person, looking for brightess and rich tones all the time. but theres something about black and whites that has this very enchanting feel, and that look of having been dug out of an old chest, where the picture would be stuck in between the pages on a worm eaten old leather bound book..

i hate bangalore cops

so we were going down mg rd, he and i. and suddenly he decides to use his phone, something he rarely does when hes driving. but he does today, for some reason..and instantly we get waved down by a fat cop at the mg rd and brigade rd junction.

so we get out, expecting to pay the stipulated fine and leave. the cop can barely speak english, and despite my repeatedly talking to him in kannada he insists in speaking to me in english. and demands a 600 rupee fine. so we say we'll pay it at the court..to which he says 'ok how much do you want to pay then?'

something fishy. so i say ask him to show me the list of offences, with corresponding fines. and he claims he doesnt have one. so one of the chela cops is sent scurrying off, and he returns a while later, and gestures from far away, something to the effect of 'we dont have a list'. so the guy goes back to demanding that we pay him without really checking the fine rate. all this while hes taken away the drivers dl. so we say, we'll clear it in court, where we hope we will be told what the appropriate amount is, with adequate official proof. he agrees and says hes keeping the dl till we pay and return. now im pissed, so i argue in kannada. meanwhile a call is made to someone who knows the dgp of police, and we find out that no cop can confiscate and keep your license, under any circumstances. so we continue arguing, but he has put the dl into his smelly breast pocket.

then we demand that he brings us the fine list, so we can pay the CORRECT amount and take the license and be done with it. so he says he will get it, and asks us to wait, in the middle of the junction. and he begins walking away..he keeps walking. so we decide to follow him. and we walk and walk and walk..and hes nearing barton centre now, and at coffee house, suddenly out of nowhere almost, it begins to POUR. so he decides to stop for shelter. we're already pretty soaking wet by then, so we say 'head on mister the rain isnt going to stop anytime soon, if thats what you're waiting for.' some weird gestures follow and we laugh behind his back. poor guy. i try and tell him im late to go to the airport so he should hurry. no fucking difference to him.

then we get restless and bugged. and the rain isnt going to stop anytime soon. so we tell him, we've spoken to someone known to the dgp and he specifically said the cop cant keep the license. he says 'who? dgp?? who dgp???', so we drop the name. and he repeats the name 'ohhhh yes aa.' and he promptly gives us the license, quietly.

i was enraged. first he demands a fee double the actual amount, he doesnt have the fine list on him, he confiscates the license, demands that we pay it and return to collect the dl, makes us walk allll the way to barton centre, got us stuck in the pouring rain, and i was almost late to reach the airport.

if theres one community i absolutely dont trust around here, its the cops. theyre fucking unreliable, incompetent and bribe sucking leeches. ARGH!!!

purple rain

yeah..sleeping in. waking up to a lazy morning. making my own breakfast. warm lightly crusted toast, melting butter and pudina chutney. masala chai with fresh milk and just enough sugar. no plans for the day, except to laze some more. this IS the holiday life.

listening to bittersweet symphony and its all musty and rainy outside. i love this. i like mary j blige and bonos new 'one', but i think she sucks live. she was so bad on american idol. and the original is way better, to begin with.

im feeling misty mountain hop-ish -
why dont you take a good look at yourself and describe what you see
and baby, baby, baby, do you like it?
there you sit, sitting spare like a book on a shelf rusting
ah not trying to fight it
you really dont care if they're coming
i know that its all a state of mind..

and then i feel purple rain-ish..

free as a bird

i feel physically liberated. its almost freaky. i can FEEL it in my body and my mind and my very being, this feeling of having moved from one thing to another, and nothing will ever be the same again.

yesterdays 'celebration' lacked alcohol. but i watched da vinci code and i was thoroughly disappointed. those who've read the book, will be disappointed and those who havent, will be complete lost. it lacks any sort of build up and falls terribly flat. tom hanks was forgettable. but i like the amelie chic so that was a pleasant surprise.

i was out till about 5 this morning. drove home in the light of dusk with the horizon just mildly lighting up, listening to 'free as a bird' by the beatles..and damn it felt good to be alive.

came home at 5:45 and woke my sister up to open the door for me, and she was VERY pissed that i robbed her of 15 minutes of sleep. bah, siblings! then i slept till noon, something i havent done in months. i cant believe nobody in my family kicked me out of bed, under the pretext of eating breakfast together or helping out or going out to get something..so it was a real dream.. sleep when you need it the most is the best most blissed out feeling.

it rained again today. its a daily feature now. i went to the jet airways office to advance my ticket to bombay because its raining like crazy there too and nobody did anything constructive to prevent last years floods from happening again, so the city is showing signs of being victim again. and i didnt want to land in bombay at midnight and not find my way home..yes, im going to be with my baby cousins for a few days and im very excited.

i got wet in the rain today. walked down mg road, calmly and aimlessly while it came down on me, and everybody ran to find shelter. i kept walking, like nothing had changed. and it was brilliant. drove home in the rain. i love this city in the rain, and the 4 o clock light. everything looks so refreshed and pristine and so green and crisp and invigorating. i love driving in that drizzle, when traffic isnt so bad. the air is almost intoxicating with its freshness. or maybe this heady feeling is just a continued happy high from never having to go to college again. not undergrad atleast.

is this what freedom feels like?