Tuesday, November 02, 2010

live like theres no tomorrow

Iv lived by the philosophy of trying to live in the moment. And that includes trying to make the most of every opportunity, maximizing on every once-in-a-lifetime-chance and also trying not to have regrets in life. That’s probably the only way you can explain having switched schools just 1.5 years away from my board exams, joining an “alternate school” where everything was done against the norm, taking a year off after std 10, carefully choosing schools based on my need to pursue fine art, deciding half way through that it wasn’t my thing and switching streams completely, choosing to work over higher studies, getting married at 24 when I was so sure I wanted time to myself, an impromptu trip to South Africa, an expensive helicopter ride over the table mountain, and so much more.. I emphasize the word “trying”; because I may not/have not always succeed/succeeded. But Iv learnt over time, that regardless of how things turned out, the important thing is to always try and make the most of every opportunity that comes your way.

So when Disguise asked me where I would like to go, if I could turn back time, I answered “between the ages of 19-23”, almost immediately. The nostalgic trip that The Script has put me in took me back in time. To when I started working, and tasted the first shreds of independence and liberation. To the long nights I worked in the agency I started off. To the drinks and dinner with colleagues. To random Chinese food meals and road trips with Akshay. Days and nights rolling into one and I thought to myself, everything was so carefree. I really didn’t have too many worries, beyond reaching work on time, making enough money to spend on the good shit, saving enough at the end of the month, ensuring my folks knew what I was up to (well, sort of!).

Life is a constant tussle with time. When I was in school I couldn’t wait to get to college, for the belief that it was cooler more grown up and would bring with it certain privileges of adult life. When I got into college, I hated every living moment of my academic life within the environs of that so called “Temple of Knowledge” (Demble of Know-leddge, for those in the know). I wanted those 3 years of my Bachelors to just END. I wished I could fast forward into the future and see what lies ahead. I wanted to work. I wanted to be independent. I wanted to earn my own money to buy the stuff I wanted. To go out. To travel. To feel useful again.

When I started working I loved every moment of it. The heady feeling of being economically liberated brought with it a new found confidence, sense of worth and accomplishment. It was tough and competitive, but this was the rat race, and it had just begun. It was all about the money. My ultimate goal in life was to be able to afford to "good stuff", and never have to deny myself any materialistic pleasure I desired.

Four and a half years down and many jobs and many months' salary later, I realize how everything has changed. Money earned and saved is not just to buy the good stuff anymore. I realized that my carefree self was probably the naive and inexperienced self. Sure I was at my carefree best between the ages of 19-23, but I was also not fully exposed to life as I know it now. Life was ridiculously simple then. The most complex problems I faced were probably boyfriend troubles! Today, however it is a complex web of so many realities, with far more serious consequences. Back then, all I had to do was make the most of every moment and every opportunity that I got. Some things have changed now. Priorities, perhaps. Or aims and dreams in life. A vision for where i see myself/us. Call it what you want, there is a certain focus and direction to live. However, I still try and live for the moment. Yet, theres a whole lot of strings attached to life now, always trying to tie me (and us – the husband too) down. Obligations, family, money, a “future”, being responsible. And everyday I have to remind myself that we only live once. That this moment, in this very day is never coming back.

I think Im at my happiest best right now. And by "happy" I dont just mean the emotion of feeling happy, I mean the satisfaction that comes from living life and the feeling of peace and contentment. The feeling of not wanting to change much, even in their utterly imperfect state. I dont want to go back in time to a carefree-er place and age. And I dont feel the need to fast forward into the future either.

3 comments:

Citrus said...

Like.

Ranjan Atreya said...

I envy you for exactly that feeling

hAAthi said...

citrus: thankee!

ranjan: how on earth did YOU land up here?