the coming months..

promise to be a difficult yet exciting time.

vc is going away for the ipl. hes going to be gone for well over a month. this is not something iv done before, not something i think i can contend with, and certainly nto something i am looking forward to. but life goes on, and a mans got to do what a mans got to do, i guess. so go, he will. and deal with it, i will.

on the UP (wayyyy up!!) side, niyu gets here in 2 days. for the first time in my life, i think im lookign forward to it more than she is :) i just cant wait.

priya gets back in ten days or so :) and hopefully there will be some sense of insanity and normalcy in my life. what with the 2 maddest things in my life being in the same city again.

we're planning what was meant to be a "sisterhood" trip to goa. priya might not make it, but we'll try and convince her and see how that goes. but niyu and i are mentally in goa already. wearing our beach clothes, oversized shades, looking at the world go by through mellow hues, overlooking the sun sand and sea with our drinks in our hands. and those drinks will either be labelled 'kings' or will be brightly coloured and will have tiny umbrellas in them.

i will have longer work days though. a certain someone has recently left my team, leaving a pair of rather large shoes to fill. along with the challenge comes longer, more hectic days. more confusion, a laptop and more learning the ropes..perhaps at a quicker pace than id have imagined or preferred. but im excited about the new role, even though im not excited at all about having an excuse to take work home.

the coming months are also the months of summer, mangoes, my birthday and some big decisions..

..aaaaand im mobile blogging!

Testing. Testing. Testing.

Sent from my Nokia phone

moments to remember

i dont really know why, but i felt like relooking at this one moment during the wedding..and iv said this before..if i had a chance to get married again (the ceremony and madness et al) id do it all over again, in the bi\link of an eye. because i had such a real blast right through.



i know so many people who wouldnt agree, but for me the whole experience was such a dream. and came and went by in a flash. when i look back at pictures and videos its almost too hard to fathom that it actually happened. it seems so unreal :)

because when i think of us married, i think of these moments more than anything else. moments of utter madness :)

tripped to this today

listened to this on repeat all the way home today. the drive seemed longer than usual, the roads windier than usual, time stretched longer than usual.

perhaps my head is playing tricks.

anyway..i couldnt help but grin when this song came on. and then it was on repeat, ALL the way home.

"'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no

I can't change my mind
no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change
Can't change my body,
no, no, no

I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down"

and i feel so peaceful..
thank you, music.

both sides of the story

my days are getting longer. more strenuous. and more demanding on my brain. and im loving it.

consequently im easily tired and sleepy. my nights are getting longer too..as in, im sleeping in longer. and i hit the snooze on my alarm so easily..cant say im loving it.

i need to kick myself out of this habit. the lethargy habit. and get up and get going.

a morning of discovery

i spent 3 hours of my sunday morning in an activity that was dismissed as totally "faaltu". each to his own i guess..because i completely enjoyed myself. despite stomach cramps, a ravenous appetite and aching legs, i didnt want to turn away and come back until my victorian bangalore walk was complete.

i took a bangalore walk today. a whole 3 km, spanning over 3 hours, interspersed with TONS of trivia, tidbits from history, and some unbelievable facts -- some that just blew me away. did you know winston churchill lived on south parade at some point?

i also got to shoot bangalore in the morning light, something i havent done in a long time. i got to walk down the entire length of mg road..or should i say south parade? i went up the bell tower of the holy trinity church. i traversed bangalores history from the early 16th century down to today. i discovered things about bangalore that have sort of redeemed this rotting city in my eyes. i watched someone talk with passion and hope, and it gave me a different view on my city..a city that i have lesser and lesser hope for with every passing day. with every living jackass who drives badly, every moron who talks as he drives, every cop whos stands by the roadside digging his nose while the traffic goes haywire right under his being-dug-nose, with every tree thats cut down, with every passing day in the life of the never ending metro construction, with every pothole that i have to endure, with every story of growing gross corruption, with every instance of crime/rape/eve teasing.. i lose hope. and i ave VERY little of it left for my city.

back in the day there were many things i loved about my city. many things i despise it for now. and nothing left to salvage its reputation, except maybe the fact that it is home to people closest to me. theres very little i really LOVE about my city anymore. all i feel for it is cynicism, anger, frustration and a sense of extreme hopelessness.

so in a sense i enjoyed the escape for 3 hours on a pleasant sunday morning. which transported me to a time that is hard to believe existed! and its also left me with a sense of hope, in the circle of life, in the fact that history reinvents itself time and again, that what was once up must come down, and so much the same way every city has a series of life cycles -- a glorious high and a terrible low -- going up and down right through time. it gives me hope that maybe this is how its meant to be, that things must degenerate completely before we see a spark of hope and goodness again. and whats heartening and hope-giving is the fact that bangalore has seen many a historic/legendary/glorious moments in the past. so it is capable. the people are capable. and maybe someday things will change again.

another journey to remember

the new job is wonderful and im loving every moment of it. most of all, i love how much im learning. every single day has something new to offer. iv just completed 2 months at the new organisation. in a lot of ways its like i just started yesterday. the job has this fantastic habit of throwing something fresh at me every now and then, that i havent had a chance to let my job give me the "same shit, new day" feeling. perhaps that because im living a role i never have. im discovering a function thats a lot larger than anything iv handled before. im involved in things that go beyond what im used to doing. these 2 months have been a time of tremendous learning..

iv learned:
- to take responsibility for more than my share of involvement in a job
- a little bit of servicing and coordination
- to use technology and tools i didnt know how to
- that lotus notes sucks
- a little bit about design, paper quality and printing
- a little about videography, interviews and coordinating them
- how to deal with "vendors"
- how to deal with my "clients" who are actually my counterparts in other lines within my organisation
- how to say no sometimes
- how to be patient and calm in a potentially PISSING OFF (!!) situation
- how to recongnize a bitch when i see one (!)
- that not everyone is as smart as they seem at first
- the best of us slip up and make huge errors
- that rank/hierarchy has very little to do with intellect or respectability
- that those who are ultra friendly and seem extra affectionate, to the point of creeping you out, are probably those you need to stay away from
- that the quiet unassuming people are often the nicest to be around
- that politics exist everywhere and that nobody gets by without a little bit of ass-licking
- that people can so easily give up their personal ethics, values and scruples for a momentary corporate gain
- that theres a lot about the "corporate rat race" thats ugly, but must be endured in order to get by
- that its important to know my side of every story and stand up for it at all costs
- to cover my ass every step of the way
- that this is something im really good at
- that iv finally found what i was looking for
- that when you hot upon the right mix of work/challenge/results, the result is a
heady kind of satisfaction

its nice to wake up everyday looking forward to work. and to go to sleep not feeling
crabby about the fact that you have to wake up to a new day in a few hours. perhaps its a little too soon to speak, and im trying hard not to jinx this here, but im glad for the way my professional life has gone..the twists and turns it has taken..the people i have met, experiences iv had and all that it has contributed to where i am today.

its been a long road getting here when i sit back and think about it. i started
somewhere, have been through a lot of stuff, tasted different things, sampled them, made comparisons, judged things, made what i thought were informed decisions..all the time watching out for that perfect something. today, i find myself in a lovely position. in a job that inspires me to go beyond just completing my 2 bit for the day and earning a salary that automatically comes to me at the end of the month. i guess they dont call it a "journey" for nothing.

creep

an old song came on on my ipod. an old favourite. i tripped to it for entirely different reasons about 2 years ago. back in the day when the remnants of teenage hormones were still very very evident. making me rebelious and angry and cynical for no apparent reason.

today though, the song hit a different chord with me. and it echoes different meanings. and its been on repeat ever since.

but im a creep,
im a weirdo
what the hell am i doing here?
i dont belong here

i dont care if it hurts,
i wanna have control
one perfect body
one perfect soul

creep, radiohead

life's short..

life's short.
yet, we prefer to be stuck in thankless, dead beat jobs.

life's short.
yet, we chose to sit in the corner and cry, rather than do something about things that upset us.

life's short.
yet, we dont want to sit up and be thankful for what we have.

life's short.
yet, we find it easier to slip into the mundane than hit refresh every now and then.

life's short.
yet, in the end we're all just slaves to money. and then we die.

life's short.
yet, we can never really understand just how short.

the rain came down

its raining outside. but harder inside of me. theres so much i cant make sense of, so much i want to understand and deal with. why is everything so distant today?

today, now, more than ever, i miss ammas hugs. the warmth that comes with it is like collapsing into a pile of cotton. except its cottony on the outside and rock solid on the inside. i can always depend on her. to make sense of things, to face the world in all its manic splendour. to deal with reality. face it and come out smiling.

my very own kaala bandar

so the kaala bandar..its the biggest reason why nobody i know liked the delhi 6. because it was unrealistic, unnecessary and didnt fit into the scheme of things. but i dont agree. i thought it was the best, most apt metaphor for the way we are as a country. as a society that plays on, and acts only on fear.

iv seen it only a million times before. fear is the single motivator for all our actions in society. everything is governed by fear. whether its a decision about whom to marry, how to get married, whom to invite, the level of satisfaction one gets from ones relationships, who one chooses to be friends with, what one does in an unhappy marriage, what to do for a living, our religion, beliefs, value systems, when one chooses to flower into an independent self-thinking individual. sometimes people go through entire lives without discovering that feeling of liberation. all because of the kaala bandar.

hahaha..so this kaala bandar is some ridiculous monkey-skin-clad menace thats making trouble all over delhi 6. but this stupid hairy menace makes a real point through the story. part of it is a figment of everybodys imagination. through peoples fears, prejudices and emotions, this silly monkey takes all kinds of forms, new accessories getting added to his demeanor everytme someone thinks they see him. or should i say it?

everybodys personal fears begin to get projected on this mysterious creature which in reality, nobody has seen :). situations and events in the movie seemed so real to me. we live in a society thats too afraid to think for themselves. a society that will believe anything it is told, including the fact that a "kaala bandar" with thick black fur and long fingernails and A CIRCUIT FLASHING RED AND GREEN LIGHTS embedded in his chest (!!) is creating havoc around the neighbourhood. kaala bandar to me symbolised all the things, the masks, the blinders people use to cover their eyes from the truth. the real shitty state their lives are reduced to. because its so much easier to spin an interesting fantastic story, than look within and face the truth about themselves. the truth that questions their religion, their social eliefs, their "customs" -- many of whch have been foloowed blindly without anyone stopping to think if theyre even relevant or applicable anymore.

delhi 6 was a movie that held a mirror up to the times and situations i live through everyday. in big ways and small im faced by these fears. our very own personal kaala bandar, that is stuck inside of us. and makes us play the tricks he wishes us to. whether its an irrational "tradition", or a habit that has been glorified as a social custom that must never be challenged. this kaala bandar is always dancing around, and sometimes we end up dancing to his tunes. and most often it makes us pull the blinds over our eyes, and keeps us away form the truth. which would be a harder path to take, but definitely a more liberating one.

theres a kaala bandar inside of me too. he stops me from being who i am, when im contended with a situation that will judge/question who i really am. he cautions me when i dont need to be. he makes me think things i dont need to. he slowly tries to convert the free spirit inside me, into a fearful and timid being. he tries over and over to silence my brain that works overtime and likes to think for itself.

how long will it be before my own little kaala bandar wins this battle?
how long will we continue to cover our eyes and forget whats right in front of us?
how long will we continue to swim around in the shit, deluding ourselves that our actions and thoughts can miraculously turn the CRAP into perfumed flowers?
how long will we be slaves to tradition, time, age old beliefs and ways to do things?
how long will we let the kaala bandar inside each of us dictate so much of our everyday existence?
how long will we continue to let our brains and capacity to think freely rot and decay inside?

dont go changing to try and please me

so what does it mean to truly love/respect someone?

the games we play

im so sick of people and their twisted ways. why are human beings so complicated? why do they love to complicate their lives further?

iv seen so much deceit, hate, jealousy, triumph and victory, condescending attitudes, lies, fear, confusion and god knows what else all through this week.

im so sick of it. the people i am talking about have so much going for them. talent, intelligence, a mind of their own, good homes, opportunities..yet they stoop to such sickeningly low levels to get one up on another.

the games people play are just so absurd. i just dont understand motives, the way peoples minds function, the way they do things, why they do them, what do they get?

doesnt it then, make them just as good as their so called "enemies"? all for a temporary one-up-man-ship? doesnt it soon fade away..when reality catches up? and what goes around comes around?

how long can one lie to oneself, and delude oneself into believing your own truth? doesnt that bubble break at some point? and then what?? does anyone ever think about the long-term effects of their actions?

i guess not. if they did, i get they wouldnt be caught up in this corporate rat race to begin with.

im proud

this is just a small post to say im really proud of a certain someone who has earned himself a self-paid trip to thailand. his first trip out of the country in all the 24 years of his life.

he did it like he said he would. and i think it takes a lot :)

i hope you have a complete blast and think of me at some point, and maybe bring me back an elephant!

reunite!

the past few days iv discovered several old friends. still considered "friends" in my mind..even though distance, cross-continent travel and sometimes just the passage of time has widened the gaps between us.

i discovered samarth is a regular here.

poorvi suddenly popped me a mail!

through her, i rediscovered shruthis lovely blog!

and the whammy.. i bumped into a friend i havent spoken to, met, seen since 10th grade, yesterday at TGIF! it was odd and nice all at the same time.

so it was nice to discover some of them still linger around..and "lurk" around here -- my blog -- this virtual social-circle-together-bringer-of-sorts, that it is!

i also realised that more people read my blog than id imagined. so its always nice to know people come back here to read. especially when you know your blog only aims to put thoughts/feelings/memories/events down in a place where its okay to say things the way you think them. without punctuation, grammar, censorship even!

so if youre here reading this..whether youre here for the first time, second time, or whatever, leave a comment! so i know who you are! heres me calling out to all my bloggies..give me a shout back!

and sometimes you come across something so beautiful..

http://nychthemeron.blogspot.com/2008/05/happy-birthday-puttachi.html

just read this post on an old friends blog, that i have rediscovered.

needless to say, it made me cry.. happy tears, though, i suspect :)

i love the complete uninhibited, untainted love that comes across in this post. the kind of love only a mother can have. and when i think about the author, and how we met and how much time has passed since then, it seems all too amazing that we have all moved on so much. some of us married, some with babies, some pursuing long studies, some still persisting with music, some have crossed borders and moved to new countries...

and to think all of us met in a room in my old home, all between the ages of 6-13 trying to learn music. a bunch of giggling, childish, but very talented "kids"..and to think so much has changed since..and to think this is actually all possible with the passage of time.. seems just too overwhelming all of a sudden.

sloth

in addition to becoming a cry baby, it seems there are also prominent traces of a lazy lump, a hibernating bear, a beached whale and erm, did i mention a lazy lump, im me.

i think theres a limit to how much one can snooze the alarm and go back to sleep. But i seem to be breaking all those limits.

i need someone to kick my butt out of bed every morning at 6 am, and its just not working.

moved to tears

iv turned into a cry baby of sorts. the slightest, most absurd, biggest, happiest, saddest things have brought me down to tears of late..

i cried about my grannys surgery. even though shes come home feeling better.
i cried when i watched benjamin button. the end was just too gut wrenching.
i cried several times through milk. but in the end i just couldnt hold it back and the tears just flowed.
i cried over a helpless situation in my life. until my mom showed me a way out.
i cried about why people care so much about looks. until vc showed me thats not true.
i cried when i heard of an adopted baby. whos doing so well.
i cried when i heard of a friend whos fought a psychological disorder through therapy, and has made a comeback into our lives, after over a year of hate and silence.
i cried through the end of delhi 6. even though i saw it a second time and didnt think it would move me again. but that movie really did something to me. of all the movies possible, it did. it hit home and made me cry.

i think reality does that. reality; good bad positive negative surprising or not; has the capacity to move you. and this weekend i was so moved, by so many different things.

milestones

dear mr vc

it gives me great pleasure in informing you that you have successfully completed the 6 month probation, with satisfactory performance and results.

as discussed at the time you joined us, you will now be a "confirmed" member of our organization. we're happy to say that your performance has been more than satisfactory, and your hardwork, understanding and unflinching lowe for the organization is appreciated.

i hereby grant you a permanent status, in the husband department. we look forward to your continued support, enthusiasm and hardwork at making this relationship a success.

yours always
ru

the world i live in

i feel ashamed that the day has come, when i am scared to take an auto at 6 pm, when the sun hasnt even gone down fully.

i feel ashamed that i live in a state where there is a thin line between those who have the power to change things and ensure our safety, and those who want to misuse that power.

i feel ashamed that those who call themselves the so called "protectors of our culture" dress in western clothes, wear western shoes and drive really expensive foreign cars. hmmm.

time to buy that pepper spray. it seems the worlds gone a bit crazy.

change

you know equations have changed somewhere when your father messages your husband to make dinner plans with your husband and you.

:(

nosedive

maybe it doesnt really show right now, but im just not in the mood to be around people. im not in the mood for noise. im not in the mood for coercion.

out with it

iv been too afraid to acknowledge it myself, believe it and say it out loud. because im afraid il jinx it. im afraid of the evil eye. the black spot.

but i have to have it out. and believe i wont ruin it. because something happened today at work that hasnt happened to me in a long long time. because right now, as i lie in bed trying to sleep, theres a calmness and a strange contentment i feel. i feel satisfied, like im smiling on the inside. like everything is just right, just the way its meant to be. like everything finally worked out. and iv landed in exactly the spot that was made for me.

what im getting at is a confession, that i need to have out..

i love my new job.

there! i just spilled the beans.

a song for every kind of day

bath song: shine on you crazy diamond, pink floyd
darkness song: touch, sting
sex song: erm..too many to list i think. when i think of the top song in this category, il let you know :)
smooth song: you give me something, james morrison
happy song: strawberry swing, coldplay
sad song: in my place, coldplay
rain song: rehna tu, delhi 6 / warning sign, coldplay
ultimate mad dancing song: rise up
running song: the blood and tears, steve vai
energy/endorphin song: o saya, slumdog millionaire / uphold, talvin singh
mood uplifter song: nadia, nitin sawhney / anything cheesy by justin timberlake :P
feel better song: why do you build me up, forgot who its by :(
melancholy song: the scientist, coldplay
friends song: all the music iv shared with all my friends, too much too much to list. i have too many memories with every friend.
school memory song: another day in paradise, phil collins / anything by the backstreet boys etc
college song: mostly coldplay :)
ex boyfriend song: keep the faith, bon jovi / paradise city, guns n roses / mama im coming home, ozzy osbourne
crush on someone song: rescue me, bryan adams (AAAHAHAHAHAHA!)
jiving (even if you dont know how to!) with girlfriend song: dancing in the moonlight, cant remember who its by

not-so-"homely"-me

iv always thought of myself as not a very domestic-oriented person. all my life, iv had the luxury of the laundry getting done, healthy meals being cooked for me and the house just miraculously kept itself clean.

of course all this happened like a clockwork because of my super-efficient mother and her partner in crime the HYPER-efficient cook. although she joined us as a cook, she soon became "MANAGER-402 Abhiram". and today, she is one of the most dependable people around.

of late however, iv discovered small joys in doing the silly little things, iv started doing.

insignificant as they sometimes seem, its become a part of my whirlwind life today..

i cant cook for beans, but hey! i can cut veggies!

i take pleasure in making my bed. in ironing out creases and tucking the sheets in tight. in changing the linen every week. and in making sure we have a neat bed to go to bed in. i like to end my day in a nice crease-less bed.

i like to see vc happy and content with his meals. last night he went to bed hungry, and i swear it made me restless.

i yearn to have a space to call my own, a place where i can decorate, do up, assemble, and do all the things i please, to make my living space as homely as i want it to be. whether its paint the walls with graffitti, or put up a million frames, or have an orange loo, or stick a peg in the wall for my lamp, or have a book shelf..

its a significant change iv noticed in myself. like they say, theres a time for everything, and with small beginnings, just maybe this is my domestic side finding its way out :)

TBIM - too bad its monday

my weekend began on friday evening and consisted of a variety of things :)

drinks while looking down at the city in front of me, its flashing lights, maddening traffic, and all the people rushing around because their weekend had begun

2 consecutive nights at home, in my old-new room. 2 of the best nights sleep iv had in recent times dosa and akkirotti breakfasts :) and "english'style" tea

other food consumed included manians mutton, satay chicken, thai red curry and rice, banoffee pie, chicken biryani, lebanese sheesh touk and some other unprounounceable rice preparation (both to DIE for), garlic mayo, a gigantic samosa, chicken salami and cheese sandwich, cold coffee..sigh

a concert that featured purbayan chatterjee and kaushiki shakraborty..which was like a double whammy! though, i must confess im sad i missed the kabir fest altogether. and purbayan was wayyy better than kaushiki-dead-as-a-fish-that-can-sing was

a movie that left me thinking about so much. about lives. about reality. about india. about family. about how we're a society GRIPPED by fear, and how it affects so much that we do

a little retail therapy to top it all off. i bought TWO more pairs of footwear. and am beginning to feel a little bit like an extravagant brat. time to contain myself a little

OH! and a new haircut! well, two haircuts to be precise. thanks to rita who fucked up the first one. and then i went to bounce for the very first time and a charming young chetan gave me a really nice hair cut. which lets me feel like i dont have the mane i do actually have, and allows me to leave my hair open more often

a weekend SO well spent, i just didnt realise how it passed me by so quickly. it was enriching, happy, entertaining and here i am, back on a monday, and in my head im making plans for the next weekend already

happy week ahead, all!