its over!

im a graduate!!!!!!!!!!!!! im out of college!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

phew..i just needed to say that out loud. exams passed me by almost as fast as they came, and im quite sure im going to pass all. so technically im that much closer to getting my graduate certificate. ah, now that thats out of the way..

im going out now, for nothing but some pure pure pure fun. nothing fancy, just fun, with some fun people. there will be togetherness and cheer, there will be good food, there will be laughter, there will be love, there will be alcohol, there will be chocolate, there will be cake and ice cream, there will be more togetherness, there will be teasing and tormenting, there will be driving back to be together, in the rain.

i cant wait.

solitude

in the crowd, and still so alone.
just like the rest, but still so conspicuous.
amongst the congested congregation, and still so starkly single.
bright and cheerful even in the face of all the gloom. smiling, despite the surrounding grayness.
strong, still surviving the desperate trend to be like someone else.
standing tall, against all efforts to be made to conform.
its called solitude, not loneliness.

pre exam syndrome

i feel let down and disappointed. like i dont deserve to have the little things i want. because nothing seems to work. and i dont mean long term life plans, i mean stupid frivolous everyday wants. why is it so hard?

i dont want to talk about serious things, about opening a bank account, saving the trees, doing something for humanity, helping out the poor, a revolution in this country, the corruption, saving the dam, shooting the film stars, the inflation, frustration..nothing. i want to think about getting rich, i want to buy stuff, i want to be bad, i want to do all the things they say we shouldnt do. because heck i hate all this living room high flown talk. nobody has the balls to get out there when it counts. everyone is all smug in their cable tv news channels and ipod worlds. and then we sit around and complain, and talk, and intellectualise. am i ever going to do anything concrete? no.

i wish i had someone to make all my little dreams come true, because they're the ones that make me sad and disappointed. everyone is so caught up in being ethical and moral and righteous and oh-so-propah. i say fuck it all. i want to be flippant, frivolous, petty, selfish, indulge..i want to do what i think is okay, because i believe im not stupid. i believe im not a fool, and i want to be treated like one. not some 6 year old baby thats making an outrageous demand, and has no idea what could happen. its a load of crap. i want to want and i want to have..but i dont think i ever will.

its all different

in about 32 hours i will finish my last exam. i dont know if the feelings quite hit me. that there will be no going back to college, after 'summer holidays' end. thats after june, life is going to be all very different. that everyone will go their own way and from here on the trips really what i make of it for myself. no more autocratic educationists going after me to make me attend class, no more exams to prove how much i listen or dont listen in class, no more mindless activities that i will be coerced into doing, no more being addressed at 1959.

its going to be real tests, with real consequences from now on. real tasks that will get me somewhere, and i will be accountable for the actions i take. i will be called revati, i will wear what i want and hopefully not feel gloomy when i walk in to the gates of office everyday. it will be exciting and productive. i will spend more time not sleeping. its all very exciting and i hope it lives up to my expectations.

the vela creature that i am, im quite sure if i end up having fun, i will never want to go back to studying and going back to do that masters program. but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it. right now im thinking about finding my way to the jungle, since the beach is too far away..

the weather is just brilliant outside. i want to take a walk. there was some talk of going away to bandipur for a day or two, but we need a car to get there [!!]. except for that im all ready to take myself and my back pack to the jungle, to tusker trail where the food is simple and the beds and bathrooms clean, and the safari is way better than the government service, and see the deer and the elephants and the rain and the water holes and the lush forest that looks so bright and pure and clean after he rain has fallen. sigh. now if only that car problem worked out, i could be there. im just that close.

beach beku

i need a sign to let me know youre here
all of the lines are being crossed over the atmosphere
i need to know when things are going to look up
cause i feel us drowning in a sea spilled from a cup

the beach craving is back. despite the rain, i wish i were on a beach..

im happy when..

im happy when it rains.
im happy when im around akshay.
im happy when im nearing the end of writing my exam.
im happy when i wake up and see unread messages on my phone.
im happy when i have a long hot bath listening to music.
im happy when people smile back.
im happy when we eat eggs for breakfast.
im happy when i see the bright mugs at the breakfast table.
im happy when the sun shines.
im happy when i get to drive to college.
im happy when we dont fight.
im happy when everyone around me is happy.
im happy when my sister cooks for me.
im happy when im rich.
im happy when i see the innocence in a babies eyes.
im happy when im proud of someone.
im happy when im proud of myself.
im happy when i feel lucky and blessed.
im happy when i eat hot chocolate fudge.
im happy when things go my way.
im happy when my day begins well.
im happy when im on an endorphin high.
im happy when im myself, just the way i am, no nonsense.
im happy when i go out of my way not to be sad.

today

its raining. monsoons officially here. its melancholic. makes me pensive. makes me want to also run in the rain..or pre-rain wind, feel it in my face. makes me want to wear floppy pants and walk around. makes me not want to wake up and study. makes me love the hot chocolate i sip as i stare at the gray city outside the huge glass window. makes me want to be held. makes me wish we'd all sit around and chat, drinking tea and eating popcorn. makes me want to watch movies at home, long fun uninterrupted hilarious silly comedies, or chick flicks. makes me want to go to bandipur, and snuggle by the fire place and watch the stars and the moon. makes me want to be alone sometimes. makes me feel like i have so much to say. makes me want to read. makes me want to drink mulled wine. makes me feel really happy. makes me want to skip around and listen to the sunscreen song. makes me wish i could listen to the beatles live. makes me want it to pour through the night. makes me want to go out and photograph the lightning. makes me want to listen to coldplay.

makes me feel peaceful, just for an instant.

its just the rain, and it makes me feel so many different things all at once. i wish i could make time stop, and soak it all in, and not have to rush around like this..makes me wish everything would really slow down.

dad

i like my dad. hes really generous. hes open to new ideas and always willing to listen, before he makes up his mind. hes 52 but has the heart of a teenager. he thinks like hes still young and is still alive and spirited about everything he does. not jaded and stuck in a mid life crisis. hes always up for adventure and fun. he lives life to the very best and indulges in lifes little pleasures when he can. when he wants something, he goes out and gets it. be it having dinner at a new restaurant, a new mp3 player, a drive in the rain, or a jungle getaway.

hes happy and innocent in a way, and down to earth and realistic. hes sensitive and caring and tries his best to be there for us, and even though he may not express it i know he feels sorry and regretul when he cant always do the right thing.

iv seen him get nostalgic and trip to woodstock, and also be touched by an oddissi dance recital. iv seen him enjoy his single malt on the rocks, and give it up for almost a year when he was ill. iv seen him shed a tear when he heard a touching and emotional speech or watched a brilliant movie, and iv seen him roll with laughter on new years eve. i remember sitting on our ind-suzuki in the late 80's driving all over bangalore, come rain or shine, and i remember when he brought home our first car - a white maruti 800. later iv driven through the hills with him, zipping down the curvy hair pin bends listening to deep purple, in our lancer.

i know that whatever my dad is today, hes made for himself and made it all on his own. he wasnt born with a silver spoon in his mouth and he started from scratch to make the life he wanted for himself and us as a family. for that i have tremendous respect. for his courage, and tenacity and single mindedness, even when faced with lots of difficulty.

i want to be like him. know what i want, do what it takes to get there, have a generous heart, and an unending spirit for life. and to live every moment to its absolute best.

i miss

back in the day, i had a bush television set that had 5 buttons on it; one power, two for channels and two for volume. and we used to move it around to watch tv in the bedroom or while eating..it was that small.

i miss eating oranges in bed after dinner. i miss trying to watch wonder years at 9:40 pm on wednesday night, from under my covers.

i miss diwali. i miss lighting the lamps every evening, enthusiastic as hell. i miss making a special rangoli all by myself, and filling it in with coloured dals and pulses and rajma and rice.

i miss playing lagoree and cricket and being limboo-timboo and kings and 'box-cricket' and dodge-ball, trying so hard to be a part of the 20+ gang of building kids who ganged up every evening to play.

i miss gossiping with the grown up girls about boys and hair removal and chums, and feeling all damn im such a baby, i want to grow up.

i miss going to the market on sunday mornings, to buy weekly supplies, tagging along behind my mom. i miss eating a banana while she shopped, and i watched wide-eyed.

i miss birthday parties with cake, sandwiches, chips, sauce and that horrid rasna that i loved back then.

i miss polishing my white canvas shoes on monday night, in time for mass pt on tuesdays. and i remember how angry it used to make my mom, that i always left it to be done at the last minute.

i miss everyday homework. making sentences, hindi antonyms, essays, looking up the dictionary and finding meanings.

i miss being house-captain. and i miss being bus-monitor. i miss those bus rides, longing to be old enough to sit at the end of the bus in the 'last seat'. i miss sitting there and fighting with the boys. they always cheated.

i miss 9th standard math tuition, walking there with friends from school, having a crush on that poor geek boy, eating cadburys [i think it was cadburys] picnic [which you dont get anymore] on my way back home.

i miss running to the bus stop hoping like hell they bus hasnt left yet. i miss crying sometimes when i walked to the bus stop wishing i didnt have to go to school, and wiping my face clean just before i reached the bus stop.

theres so much i think about the past 22 years, and so much i miss and long for, most of all i just miss being a kid.

frenzy

the past 3 days has been an absolute frenzy, of cramming, travelling to college, giving exams, hurrying so you can getthefuckoutofthere, travelling back home, studying again...and it repeated over 2 days.

i hate exams. im super super tired.

in other developments, iv lost inspiration. i have nothing to say, its like my mind draws a blank, but actually its not quite a blank. so many thoughts, so many questions, and nothing finds its way out, just whizzing around in my brains like bubbles in champagne, and everything is weird and unanswered. and everything is a tizzy, whizzing by and rushing from one thing to another. and somewhere on the way, i think i lost the will to hope and dream also. maybe its just a passing phase. i hope.

varied emotions, tears smiles laughter tension bliss contentment satisfaction urgency sleepyness fatigue energy lazyness carefreeness uptight anxious worry frustrated worthlessnes.. and im still surviving it.

at least i can confidently say im surviving it, because i have lots of other things going for me. not like the host of kids that committed suicide over results. its just bloody depressing. i cant begin to imagine what it must feel like at that moment, feeling absolutely alone and like theres not a single shred of hope or glimmer of love and understanding that can pull one out of that dismal dingy trap of failure. all that and the complete farce of an exam that im giving, which is evidently dumbed down and simplified for us last-batch-of-the-annual-scheme losers because everyone is so obsessed with the new-found love for the semester system that they dont care how we do or what we do in our exams, as long as we pass and getthefuckoutofthesystem, and dont come back with supplys to write..makes me wonder why the fuck we are so exam-crazy. at the end of the day does it really count for anything at all..

2 down, 4 to go and im counting days. in a lot less than a week, il be out there on wednesday night, not wanting to go home, because i would have seen the end of all the psychology, sociology and english literature in my life, for a long time to come..

dylan

my sister went to watch a film on bob dylan yesterday and today. i missed it..for various reasons. but heres a poem by another dylan. dylan thomas.

clown in the moon - dylan thomas

my tears are like the quiet drift
of petals from some magic rose;
and all my grief flows from the rift
of unremembered skies and snows.
i think, that if i touched the earth,
it would crumble;
it is so sad and beautiful,
so tremulously like a dream.

read this almost a year ago, but i think it made sense to me, now. to me, it describes that sad-happy-confusion terribly well.

today, as i walked down mg rd, i watched students line up by the side holding hands, from one end of mg rd to the other. a cop was talking to one of the boys, and he actively and animatedly explained stuff to the cop. more cops were gathering around them. each of them had a banner pinned to his/chest that read 'im against reservation'. i looked and said 'wow. theres someone doing something about it, i want to join them.' but that was it. i didnt join them. i continued walking, all the time watching and feeling proud that somebody was out there, being proactive, doing something. everybody talks about it, at home, at college, at coffee day..but finally i had actually seen an active protest in bangalore. solidarity facing up to injustice. and i wanted to be part of it. but i didnt cross the road to go find out more, or to join them. i proceeded on to coffee day, where i sat across the road from the human chain. still watching, sipping my cafe frappe and discussing the latest developments of this reservation issue with friends.

and i came back home, and felt like shit. ashamed, that i chose to give up my chance to be a part of the movement, to actively stand up for something i believe in, against something that has the potential to affect my life if enforced. something iv been following up pretty closely, and something i feel for. and these chances dont come everyday. im ashamed of myself.

im looking for that something thats going to tip the scales back to being normal again. my days are still confused and whirring by. im looking for some peace of mind.

staying hungry and foolish

this is up on my old blog as well. heard the sunscreen song today, and i came back and read this again..so i wanted to remind myself.

of all the conflicts iv faced in life, big small important not-so-important, the hardest and most intense one has always been trusting myself in the face of oppostion. or doing what i think is right, without having to fully justify it, no matter what anybody thinks or says. to trust myself and believe in my ability to think and act well, even when everyone else thinks im completely crazy. to believe in myself above everything else, and to have faith in my instincts and what my heart desires despite anything anybody says. some say its a selfish attitude, but its always been the way i have dealt with things, or tried to at least. because you cant make everyone happy, so you might as well try and make yourself happy. the only times i have given in were when the feelings of people i loved were at stake.

but yeah, its a tough call to make even now. to make that choice, stand tall and protect your sensibility. sometimes i dont even feel like its justified to reason it out, or to prove a point. if i want something my way and it means a lot to me to have things work out that way, i hate having to justify it to an 'audience' that is already biased and judgemental. in such a situation, no matter what i say or do will please and appease them.

in the end my choices are mine to make and mine to live by. and unless i take those steps and make those choices, i will never know what lies ahead, or what consequences are possible of those same actions. when will i be set free? when will i have that complete sense of abandon, that eerie loneliness of having to trust in nobody but myself alone, and to do what it is that i wish to do, without a hundred different opinions. when can i feel and experience the fruit of MY decisions? good or bad, and have that sense of having faced what came from my choices, and having given it my best.

stumbled upon a steve jobs quote on rambling muses blog. iv read it before. but somehow everytime i look at her blog, theres something new that instantly connects with me, given the situation at that time. i love steve jobs and id forgotten how powerful some simple truths can be so i dug out the rest of the speech to remind myself.

"your time is limited, so dont waste it living someone elses life. dont be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other peoples thinking. dont let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. they somehow already know what you truly want to become. everything else is secondary."

baz luhrmann, in the sunscreen song [which im currently addicted to] says something about advice which made me grin with delight today. i love it when something out of a song suddenly strikes you as beautifully honest and touches you.

"be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. advice is a form of nostalgia. dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth."

i have to remember to stay hungry, and stay foolish now.

sometimes i drift into auto-pilot

i think im on some sort of auto-pilot trip just now. its got to stop. i feel like im tumbling through the days with nothing to hold on to. i need to get a grip. things are just happening and im just playing on, without really feeling or enjoying much.

sometimes comfrontation puts my mind in a tizzy. sometimes its like raking out the weeds from a beautiful bed of flowers. once out the weeds have to be thrown out far away so they wont creep back. sometimes i feel like i need to clean out my mind and sort out everything thats going on in there, before i begin to feel the way i am now. sometimes i feel like i need to clear out the cobwebs and fill my mind with love and fresh happiness. sometimes i feel like i need to start living a real active life again and not just succumbing to the mundane occurences around me. sometimes i feel this nagging itch in the back of my mind, and it speaks 'exams', but its fuzzy and i cant quite put a finger on it, but it also speaks impending doom. sometimes i also know im making too much of it, because i know i can get by rather well with just a little effort. sometimes i feel like too many things are happening parallely, overlapping each other and i cant control it all. sometimes thoughts crash into each other in my little crowded ming and smother me. sometimes i feel this terrible mental asphyxiation.

sometimes i have this desperate need of snapping out of this limbo-ish mode. sometimes i feel like i need to take charge and sort this uneasyness out. sometimes not knowing really whats making you feel unsettled is ever more unsettling than being unsettled itself. sometimes i can control the way i feel and sometimes im lazy about doing something about it. sometimes i feel its too much for me to take and sometimes i just want to pretend its going to sort itself out.

i havent been actively in tune with myself too much this past week, sometimes i need to be there for myself. sometimes i hate being in auto-pilot, because sometimes i just want to fly.

rained down on me again

its been raining everyday, every evening. it poured today. and instantly took me into beatles land. theres something about the beatles, the after-the-rain clear air, and the calm and bliss after the storm, like its rained out all the stuffyness out of the air. i like feeling calm, staring out of the window. suddenly the rain changed direction and came straight at me and i was drenched before i could shut the window fully. i turned on my beatles cd. dont let me down is a rain song for me. painfully soulful and like its raining down on me.

sometimes just doing nothing in particular, but soaking the moment and the togetherness it brings is the ultimate joy. theres strength in silent togetherness. id give up a million years of so called happiness for moments like this, when everything is in sync and my little world, my universe and all my ruling planets are aligned and nothing can come in between me and the joy. sometimes just one day of extremely mentally exhausting work, be it trying to study or haggling with my parents or coordinating things, or being aware and conscious of who needs what around home, leaves my head cluttered and i get flustered and tired by the end of it. i want to give up and run away and i feel hopeless and lonely. yesterday was like that. and today it rained and suddenly the calm is back. i feel like everything is in order again.

i love pablo neruda. if anyone wants to buy me a surprise gift, im declaring here that i wish to own a copy of his work 'twenty love poems and a song of despair'. he writes incredibly honest and deeply touching poetry, which is a direct window into his extremely private emotions and struggles and its very rare that iv felt for a love poem so strongly, like an instant feel, like it made complete sense to me personally. love poems are always 'nice', 'sweet', 'beautiful', 'touching'..but few leave an impression like neruda can. its a fresh look at love, addressing the not so cliched comparisons and feelings, sometimes coming to terms with the unfathomable world that love takes him to. he speaks of love and what it ought to be, what it turns out to be, and often what it leaves one feeling. most of all its intensely loaded with emotion and in a very tangible and reachable sort of way..

it was perfect. the rain, the poetry, the beatles, the perfection. snapshot moment. one i will capture and keep with me for a long time to come. i love the rain a lot of the time.

heres some neruda, from a poem i love.

Sonnet XVII - Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose,
or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when,
or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my
hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

its morning

i love waking up to warm and fuzzy mornings, when the light is just right and you've slept just the right amount and everything is all clear and bright, just the way you like it. its a sign of having slept well. and i did, last night.

the newspapers say the da vinci code might be banned. im upset. i was REALLY looking forward to it. the book was an interesting refreshing read and i was hooked while reading it, the movie has tom hanks and the amelie chic, so i was excited as hell. iv been calling inox for the past week trying to get tickets. now it turns out the 'orthodox' catholics here have issues with the movie being screened for everyone to see. of course nobody in the vatican city has a problem, its being screened there, but bangalore has a problem. i guess i shouldnt be surprised or upset, seeing how it IS the centre of a massive catholic stronghold. im pissed that after all the hype and waiting and excited anticipation it turns out i might have to watch a pirated dvd, to enjoy the movie after all.

im still 'trying' to do the right amount of studying. somehow more important things; like coffee with friends, american idol, long drives back home in the rain, midnight phone calls, blogging, almost everything that keeps my nose out of my books; seem to be taking precedence over getting down to some serious cramming..somethings will really never change.

us

akshay thinks he looks slightly stupid. but this is my new favourite picture at the moment. it speaks HAPPY. it takes me back to that happy place. its captured and frozen the moment, that happiness. i love it. its all spontaneous and just the way it was. rainy outside, warm inside and yellow and mellow and just happy.

i need a sign

this was my last post on spaces.. so here it is again, just to go with the flo..not a particularly happy beginning..but it will have to do. im feeling pretty BLEARGHKRRGH&%$^#(@*& at the moment !!! :D

iv had a pissing off few hours, and i need to rant.
so here goes..

i hate adults with fuckall logic. i hate adults trapped in some pseudo lets be old and and satisfied and not give into progressive and better ways of living time warp. its a fucking time warp and its a fucking fake and it pisses me off no end. i hate adults who refuse to budge from baseless arguement and lie about the way they think and otherwise do stuff. i hate adults because most of them are hypocrits. say one thing, do another. dont listen to anyone younger than them because they are obviously all-knowledgeable. i hate adults who can dismiss anything with a shut-your-mouth-i-know-better attitude. i hate adults who ask your opinion and then dont take it for what it is. i hate adults who treat you like a non entity as and when it pleases. and the rest of the time its fine to confide in you, cry at you, share problems, make you run errands, pick on you, nag you. i hate adults who dont think like adults. i hate adults who advocate one thing and act in a manner quite the opposite. i hate adults that are full of shit. i hate adults who are full of big talk and high flown ideals and cant live a basic happy contented life. i hate adults filled with baloney, who get all preachey and condescending at you every chance they get. i hate adults that are cynical and always unhappy and isolated and expect everyone to act on their terms.

basically i hate adults. i hate them so much that i never want to be one of them. boring, jaded, compromising in all the wrong places, illogical, stubborn, stuck in a time warp, defending illogical ideas and attitudes that were thrust on them and they never had the balls to question, and now expect us to just fit in. and then speak of changing with changing times. its a load of hogwash.

maybe i have a massive lack of role models, adults i can look up to, and idolise and aim to learn from and learn to be like. i dont want to be anything other than me. im in a place where i feel i can trust nobody but myself.

find me a hero.

im new here.

i used to post up at msn spaces, but i decided to give msn the finger..i think its a little scattered and kiddy for my liking. blogspot looks classy and de-cluttered and grown up. and this is the first time im willingly choosing something i think is grown up, over something i think is kiddy.

wow..this is a first time.

anyone who wishes to see the old blog, its at http://spaces.msn.com/haathi do drop by there! heres to more blogspotting now..