jumble

a little mixed up
a little confused
a little proud
a little angry
a little irritated
a little leave-me-alone-ish
a little wtf-ish
a little im-not-a-fool-ish
a little dont-treat-me-like-that-ish
a little in need of respect (so i can give respect. respect is not a one-way street.)

all that, and some vodka and OJ.
i feel like a jumbled up cocktail today.

still some more 55-fiction

"first love"

"she's so sexy", he said, "with all the right curves, shes just so smooth. and i dont have to do much to get her going. just turn her on and she's takes off like a beauty. iv never felt so satisfied in my life."

and he smiled as he stroked his brand new sports car.

more 55-fiction

"in the lap of luxury"

"im so pooped. iv been working all morning. i need a break."

"a break? from what?"

"work, silly!"

"what work??"

"the usual..laundry, dusting, hoovering the carpets, mowing the lawn, planning lunch and dinner.."

"you have house help to do that for you!"

"well someones got to order them around..work doesnt just get done!"

55-fiction for today

"comfortably numb"

she groped around the darkness of the steam room, looking for her regular spot. two steps forward, turn right, five steps forward -- there it was.

but today it felt warm and fuzzy. like a comfortable seat that perfectly held her butt in place.

surprised, he wondered why someone had placed their backside on his lap.

whats happening around me right now:

- the IT guys in front of me are huddled around one system, looking very eager and excited. im not sure what the excitement is about
- vijaya is sulking around for some reason
- my phone is ringing on and off. someone from my office whom i dont recognise is giving me MISSED CALLS. on my EXTENSION! now why would puja kaur want to do that? calling here is FREE!
- my cellphone is blinking, which means i have a missed call/unread email, but i dont feel like looking because that involves stretching my arm out, and im feeling extremely confortable where i am
- the light coming in from the blinds in the pantry is just super. i feel like shooting the shadows the blinds are making
- shwetha who sits next to me is scrawling "on sai ram" on her whiteboard. hhmmm
- anupam, who sits behind me, has a really nice baritone-ish voice. and hes on a call, with his headphones plugged into his phone. which makes him speak louder than he normally does. im enjoying it, because his voice is NIIICE. but his neighbour, nita, is really annoyed teehehehe
- im amazed at how many names i know, considering i dont belong to any of the teams i sit amidst (IT on one side and project management on the other), and barely interact with anyone beyond a hi-how-are-you-see-you-around-bye

cold, thats actually hot

thats the conclusion iv drawn. i nursed a semi-blocked-semi-sniffly-semi-drippy nose for almost 2 whole days. and last night, i think i have cracked it. and the therapy worked like magic. therapy included..you'll never believe.. 2 cold beers, chinese chopsuey and HOT CHOCOLATE FUDGE. YES, cold beer and ICE CREAM. and my cold has healed.

im back to my usual non-drippy, unblocked-nose self now. all thanks to some cold that killed cold.

therefore i think my cold..is actually hot.

i need..

..a box. in my head. where i can store away things for a later day.

things that i can think about, but cannot speak just yet
things that are worth storing for now and retreiving later, just to remind myself of something i noted once upon a time
things that i cherish and must never forget
things that i can think out loud in my head, but are best left unspoken

:)

gratitude

to the world, destiny, the forces that have conspired to take my life down the course it has.

for the best 2 years of my life. and for opening the doors to unending possibility. dotted with newness, laughter, fun, understanding, caring. and just so much joy.

thanks you crazy rat. for seeing that something special in o-so-ordinary me. and for making my life worth living. and for giving me reason to believe. and for filling my life with so much excitement and happiness.

"i love you like a fat kid loves cake"
and i always will.

more 55-fiction

"smart alec"

the anniversary was in 3 days. procrastination left him with just enough time. he began to wonder about the perfect present. jewelry? cookware? clothes? shoes? accessories? suddenly he had it! imaginative, personalized and the just perfect.

she opened the envelope. inside, was a voucher that could be redeemed for "A Lifetime Supply" of her husband.

55-fiction for today

"cheating"

ok so you say you need help. you have "stuff to do". but so do i. yet, im willing to pitch in. we divide the assignment. neatly in half. or so i thought. not only was my "half" larger than yours, but that "stuff" you mentioned, involved not work, but weed, rolling paper and matches.

under-the-weather

today is one of those days when i want to be horizontal. in my bed. with my razai. and my book. and i want the whole day to pass that way, and not talk and not see, and not react, and not work, and not do anything but be horizontal and inactive.

its one of those days that just doesnt feel alright.

i want to rest. and i dont want to wake up.

i dont understand it

i dont know whats going on. i just dont understand it. movies these days..whats going on!

slumdog millionaire. so i watched it before the hype really began, and i must admit i enjoyed it. it moved me to tears, opened my eyes and left me shaken up. but it ended there. the movie is brilliantly filmed, i thought. but somewhere it failed to sustain the high it had built up. somewhere along its long and meandering duration it began to be like a white mans version of a hindi movie. with the stretched out drama, unrealistic love climax and the song and the dance thrown in just to give it some desi flavour. it was just a good film. thats it. didnt deserve 7 oscars. it didnt deserve to beat benjamin button. or the visitor. or milk. or the reader. and i can vouch for that just by seeing the snippets i have.

and then i watched dev d today. 5 stars in so many reviews. running house-fucking-full ever since iv tried to get tickets to watch it. and in the end it was just an unnecessarily long and twisted story, thats gone on much too long. far too long to sustain any charm it MIGHT have started off with. brilliant art direction and some involved acting by abhay deol kept me watching. then again, how hard can be to act as a drugged out alcoholic, lovestruck, heartbroken, horny man? if you havent watched it yet, youre not missing much.

billu barber, i liked at first for its dramatic, but touching story. a tearjerker, it had be with a lump in my throat at the predictable point where "sahir" khan makes that o-so-predictable speech and shows up to meet his long lost friend, billu. it did what a good hindi movie is meant to do to you. but in retrospect i feel it was just a huge showcase for srk. hes elevated himself to a demi-god status and has used the movie as a platform to promote himself. its semi-disgusting, now that i think about it.

so really..give me something fun to watch. something thats worth it. something thats not overrated and not hyped and just good old entertaining.

another winters day, has come and gone away..and i wanna go home

in a casual comment yesterday i just flippantly announced that i was "going home to stay the night". problem was, i was referring to my mothers home, the former home, the older home, the home that was. but to me, that will and always be the original home..probably the only place i can ever truly call "home".

i say problem, because fil indignantly asked me if this (current home) was not my home too. i was a little taken aback, because my comment hadnt intended to mean that it wasnt. and i hadnt put down my new home in any way. still, i guess there was reason to clarify. so i was asked, and i retorted.."i mean the other home"..

it got me thinking, and i guess the word home to me, means a place where i can be myself. and at abhiram, i REALLY can. i can walk around in my shorts, i can speak, i can have conversation with my folks about real things, i can voice my opinion freely, even if theyre vastly different from their own, i can be the person i am and stand my own, i can lounge around as i please, i can say and be the way i want, and when we disagree, i can argue my way out and know that my opinions/feelings will be respected for my own, and not put down as inferior or invalid. most of all, if we disagree, i know that i can shut myself out if i please, and know that nobody will hold it against me. i can feel the way i want to freely. if mom and i argue, i can do it freely, no strings attached. argue, have it out, and be back to normal pretty soon. i know i can take her for "granted" like we take our moms for granted. and i know i can depend on and molly coddle and get my way with dad, the way us daughters can. and the point is i can do all of this without feeling guilty, or being judged for being a certain way.

and thats what makes home, home.

and it is for that reason that my original home, my first home, will always be the real home in my mind. and it will probably will be the only home i will ever know.

play on..

music is a trip. it transports me. across time, to the past and throws me into the future, flings me back into the past, before settling me back into the reality. it has the power to do different things, mean different things, at different times.

lyrics, emotion, groove..when it comes together perfectly the result can be mindblowing. i have been moved to tears by music. music also uplifts me. iv danced like no ones watching, sung along/screamed my lungs out, wept like a little baby, laughed to my hearts content, shared moments, shared connections, marked out events and incidents in my life with special tags.. all by music.

for me, music is all about associations. associations with a time in your life, with people, with feelings, with specific activities (some nefarious ;)), with possibilities..

thats the power of music. it makes you feel things, it makes you get up and move for no reason, it shakes you up, it gives you WOW moments, it takes your breath away, it opens your eyes..it opens up doors, and shows you emotions that have been kept away in a dark corner of your soul. it brings those emotions and memories in your face and forces you to feel/watch/touch them again.

i share a special music bond with niyu. we appreciate similar music, have similar tastes (well, almost..all except her susheela raman phase..which i simply did not get!) and we enjoy and trip to the same stuff.. and on a day like today, i miss having her in the same city, and returning to the same home.

i miss our random quiet, but tripped out music listening moments..where id say "dude i have something for you to hear.." and it would kill her because i never told her WHAT i had for her to hear..and she had to wait till i actually made her give it a listen. and by then the suspense had already killed her ten times over :)

i miss jumping madly like a couple of monkeys high on coke, to some awesomely tripped out beats or rhythmic cycles.

i miss finding hindustani connections in not-so-hindustani-music. and figuring out taal cycles and the likes.

i miss being hyper about music we wanted to share. the excitement and energy was something else.

i miss blaring our music in our room. driving amma and anna mad. but they never complained. not too much, at least. in their hearts they were probably just thinking "what have we given rise to? will this ever settle?"

sadly, it did. its all settled, not by choice but by circumstance. distance and logistics being the biggest separating factors.

i cant remember the last time i listened to music at full volume and bounced/jumped non stop till the end of the cd. i cant remember when we hung around in the room sharing our insights about a particular song or album and feeling all enlightened about having discovered a special nuance in a gaana.

some things will never be the same i guess.

i feel...

a bit like a pawn in a game. a game i cant play. a game in just a part of. being meddled with and thrown around. and used towards anothers advantage.

hmmm.

checkmate is coming up soon.

time goes by..

its been such a rushed weekend. i always look forward to the weekend, because i think its going to be 2 full days, yeah FORTY EIGHT whole hours, to myself. to do exactly what i want..be it sleep, go out, cuddle, be lazy, rad, watch tv, watch movies, catch coffee, get a drink..blahblah..

and forty eight hours seems like a large number of hours..but when im nearing sunday evening, i always have this sinking feeling that it was just not enough.

although i dont always DO a lot, the weekend seems to have zipped by, with me running from one thing to another. saturday featured some errands, a head massage, a long hot shower, getting knocked out cold by the aftereffects of a massage and a hot shower, meeting my folks, and a yummy valentines date with the husband..at THE BLUE BAR! which was oh so too posh for my style. with an irresistible unlimited-drinks-and-unlimited-starters offer going, it was too hard to give up. so we went there early and perched ourselves by the bar. but were quick to change places because iit was no fun sitting right underneath a very bright and very big flat screen tv that beamed out some tennis match.

so we got ourselves bar stools by a tall table, snuk away beneath some trees, and perfected with a candle light and roses on the table. the drinks were regular, whiskey-coke and vodka-oj, and the starters were fancy-schmancy, but good none the less. but what REALLY made the evening fun was the quiet date type thin, just the two of us alone, after so long. one of those dates where conversation happened, and when it didnt it was still beautiful to just be together. it was perfect and im so glad we went.

in other news, i got sufficiently buzzed and came back home and promptly passed out, despite the several attempts that were made to wake me up.

sunday morning began with a lazy dosa breakfast at abhiram. just the kind i like. crispy dosas. green chutney with a hint of tangy lemon. and english style tea. then i proceeded to wade through all the traces of my belongings back home. what little signs of the existence of revati upadhya in 402 had to be sorted, rummaged, divided..and the unwanted stuff thrown, the wanted stuff packed away and stored safely. and BOY! what an experience that was. i found loveletters that i hadnt given, piles of notes passed in class (mostly gossiping about some sexcapade with some boy or another), college notebooks with copious notes, books from all through my life, book marks, pens, stationery id saved long after it stopped working, pebbles, letters from various people, and a PILE of diaries i kept between the years of 1997 and 2003. diaries i will not sit and go through, and try and decipher the code in parts, and reminisce, reading about my days in school/high school/college..and mostly feel really stupid :) but i look forward to it.

lunch was uneventful and at home, post which i ran off to koshys to sneak in an iced tea. theres something nice and cozy about sitting at a table by the blinds, watching the world go by, while nobody on the outside can see you :) sipping on my iced-tea-less-ice, and nibbling small bits off a mutton cutlet and chicken sandwich. yes, koshys really brings out the pig in me. pj was there too. pj + koshys + fooding = muchos happiness. so we did our traditional chicken sandwich division and forced each other to eat the last piece.

pj and i took our first ever auto ride together, today. and on the way back, i experienced something i never have in bangalore. an efficient strapping young policeman, equipped with technology to really do something about injustice. and he really looked like he meant business. no questions asked, he proceeded to do the needful, while that wretched auto driver just looked on helplessly. i wonder if its possible to report auto drivers who baselessly demand excess fares, on a regular basis. this city would be such a better place.

i went to visit amma for the second time today :) and i took shortbread cookies along for her. the piracy raid has sort of rained on her 24 parade.

its just 9 20 and im incredibly sleepy. no energy left for anything. i wish i could just press the mute button in my head and shut out all the gazillion sounds im hearing. my head is bursting with all this unnecessary noise. blaring tv volume, ultra loud and dramatic music, and the din of peoples voices above it.

its been all to short and quick a weekend. doesnt feel like forty eight hours. and i just want to curl up and sleep.

thank you

right now, all i can think of is how amazingly grateful i feel that i have amma and anna for parents. of all the gabazillion people on this planet, im SO glad i was born to them, and nobody else. im glad they did the things they did, took the decisions they did and brought us up just the way they have. because they have really taught us well. and at the risk of sounding terribly full of it, i think we've turned out pretty damn alright, as a result.

iv had 2 days of a stupidity overload. stupidity, as in the stupidity of life. iv watched life dole out huge amounts of absurdity, throwing the weirdest events at people, turning lives around in an instant, leaving people in no shape to think straight. causing tremendous amounts of stupidity all at once. funny thing is, in this ugly side of life, iv realised that life is beautiful really. i love it. because it has this ability, to put you in places you didnt know it can. places that you didnt know you could go to. it can make you feel things you didnt know you could, and really test you. put you in a corner and force you to find a way out.

what life expects is that you fight and come out on top. not cower and wither away like a wuss. and definitely not be stuck in that spot forever. if life throws a hurdle, its to be jumped over, or dunked under..but to be got past, at any cost. and thats just the way it tumbles, day after day.

lies, deceit, ignorance, stubbornness, control and fear..they were created to pull us down. to close our eyes to reality. to the truth. to keep us tied down. to prevent us from being liberated by the truth, the beauty of better days. theyre the things that keep you in the dark, away from the light, even when you try to leap out every chance you get.

and this is what iv realised in the past 2 days. the need to stand by the truth, to be honest till it hurts, to be strong, fearless and aware. to have your eyes open all the time. the world is changing at alarmingly fast speeds, and one cannot get left behind. amma and anna have taught us well. theyve taught us all of this. truth, fearlessness, honesty, integrity to always be true to yourself and do the right thing..or atleast the best thing you know :)

and suddenly today, i feel confident. because i know what theyve given me will never leave. it has the power to get me through anything life might throw at me. theyve liberated me and shown me the world out there, and opened my eyes to all its beauty, splendour and ugliness, alike. theyve never sheltered us from the bad, and never held us back from the good. exposed us to everything and taught us to face up to it all with confidence.

im just so glad i was born to them, and i am blessed to have had the upbringing i did.

thank you amma and anna.

productivity..

has its negative effects. today i have had (and will continue to have) a swamped day. including the team lunch that we rushed off to, and rushed back from to get back to work.

iv been piled with a huge project which involves lots of head work, lots of thinking and a crazy deadline.

so help me god.

and within an hour of this being assigned to me, i started to get that hot ache in my left shoulder, and fel my knee bounching. signs of stress, in case you dont know. and felt my head clutter up with thoughts, too fast for me to hang on to them. also, a sign of stress.

this is one of those times when im hyper before i need to be. panicking before i need to. getting stressed way before i need to.

thankfully an asian buffet lunch was spread out before me, and im so stuffed i could so easily go to sleep. and even snore maybe. so the food, once again, has calmed me down. and i am embarking on session 2, hopefully calmer, more collected, and less hassled.

i feel..

..a bit like an ugly duckling.

erm..erm..erm..

he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me...he loves me...

oh so random!

so india is really random. or maybe its just bangalore, i shoudlnt generalise. by random, i mean the sights we see, the things that happen, the smells that hit you out of the blue, the traffic, the people, the weather..everything is just to random. almost like everything just happens, without much planning or foresight or anything..and things are just going on..whirring along in this large clockwork of indianness.

so today while driving to work, where randomness in driving attacks me on all sides, dodging autos who have no concept of lane-sense, watching out for the little children who just might run across the road chasing after a wealth-from-waste toy, steering clear of the bmtc bus who thinks BUS IS KING, i spotted a very random sight.

a banner. the kind of shabby banner..printed haphazardly on flex, stretched across a wooden frame, with an array of politicians faces splashed on it, in a most uninviting manner. the kind of banner that extends "heariest heartfelt best good wishes on the ocassion of...: well, some festival or the other. and they try to be secular about it. the hindus extending wishes on muslim festicals, vice versa, and pretty much any combination possible. the mug shots of these goons, is anything but pleasant or inspiring. far from the kind of face that gives you the security of being in the safe hands of such powerful people :)

so bang in the middle of this poster, i accidentally spotted..wait..obamas face! just like that! no captions, no connection, no titles, nothing! just a smiling obama mug shot amidst these thugs.

we're so random! tomorrow i will drive slower past it, to see if there is a connection i missed.

this is how i feel today:

http://haathime.blogspot.com/2007/07/down-time.html

sometimes i find solace in knowing that feelings/events/states of mind iv recorded in the past, are so identical to what i feel now. because it reminds me that "this too shall pass", and the sun will be out again.

i need some down time. i just want to be left to myself. and i dont think thats asking for too much.

to-do in life

start speaking up.
be stronger.
be more tolerant.
be more flexible/adapting.
dont take crap.
dont cow down to irrational power play.
dont give in to irrational insecurity.
dont live by anothers rules.
follow your heart.
pray.

i think iv sidetracked in life. and i need to get back on track.

"and i get by with a little help from my friends."

five-minute-flashback

it feels like i just traveled back in time, really quickly, and came back. in a short span of 5 minutes. i was transported back to what could have been a typical lunch break scene back in 5th grade. when every girls singlemost important aim in life was to be accepted. accepted by those few who considered themselves "cooler" and above the rest. the few who on the surface seemed nice and friendly, and took you under their wing, only to snub you and cut you out and leave you out when you most needed that acceptance.

back then that was normal. we were all of 10-11 years old. and everyone was caught up in the same race. it was everybodys need.

today i was in the midst of full-grown women. aged 27 and above. and it felt like i was in school, amidst some kids who were all scrambling to be accepted by the rich and mighty lot. and i realised nothing changes. we grow up, we move on, we mature, we get fat, our brains get larger, our values change, our appearances get a makeover, we think we're stronger, we thing we're capable of so much more. but beneath all of that, we're all just tiny babies. who want to be accepted by the crowd. who want to fit in. who want to be respected. and to get that assurance and that acceptance, we do the funniest things. things that sometimes dont fit with our age.

does that race ever end? does this struggle ever get appeased? how long does it take before we accept ourselves, for what we are? and make peace with it. and dont feel the need to do the silly things that we do. all for the sake of a superficial, outward acceptance from people who dont even matter. from people who you forget about the minute you swipe out of the door and end your working day.

human beings are by far the weirdest most twisted bunch of creatures this world will ever come across.

its funny..

the moment i get in,
i cant wait till i get out again.

i mean it when i say..

..i'll take care of it myself
..i want to be free
..im not hungry
..i want to come home, amma
..i miss you
..bangalore isnt the same
..i LOVE to travel
..i hate to go on stage
..i hate to "perform"
..im too lazy
..i love to eat
..i love surprises
..i dont want to be watched and monitored
..i am independent

i wish, for a change, i tried to actually say these things out loud and clear.
maybe then it would be taken seriously.

just he way i am

lifting this off the compulsive confessor's blog. its a song i love, which i recollected after seeing her blog. feeling particularly sorry for myself at the moment. drowning in self pity and brooding over the state of my prolonged misery..

this song gives me a weird peace. it does really perfectly embody the security i feel. sometimes i think im not very good at loving things for just the way they are..yet, i have experienced it. experienced being loved for exactly what i am. with all my negativity, downsides, quirks and craziness. at a time in my life where i often feel so torn between living up to so many different sets of expectations, and being myself, unabashedly -- there is only one place i feel perfectly secure in being myself. just the way i am. and perfectly secure in the fact that i will never be judged or scrutinized on the basis of the way i am.

and i miss it terribly when its not around.

so the song hits the right spot just now.