labour of love

im in agra. i just saw the worlds greatest symbol of love. and i had a breathless moment when i first got a glance of its immense splendid whiteness through the arch of the main gate.

the taj is definitely a wonder of the world. but i dont know what makes me wonder more..the fact that someone could spend 25 years in the gentle romantic creation of a monument to symbolise his love to the love of his life.. or the fact that the same person had all the craftsmen and labourers put on the task lose their hands, so as to ensure the monument could never be replicated..

it makes me wonder..

alcohol

is such a good numbing agent.

somedays the sun refuses to shine

from the moment i woke up, it felt like a bad day.
at 630 amma called to say she had had a bad fall on the stairs.
at 715 she called again to say she was going to the hospital.
at 8 she called to say she had broken her leg. in two places.
at 8, the husband left for delhi.
at 830 my breakfast refused to go down my throat. and discussing lunch and dinner so early in the morning made my stomach turn.
at 845 i ran to the bank and stood in the queue outside the atm.
at 855 i was still standing there. Some goons were withdrawing what looked like every last note lthe poor machine could offer.
at 9 i had already been turned down by 3 autos, and didnt know if the money i had would be get me to office.

i hope like hell amma can stand the pain and bear the rest and long days without any movement. i hope like hell she gets better really soon. i hope like hell she is up and about quickly. because i know she can be no other way.

i wonder..

why is it so easy to confuse being professional with having so many rules that curb ones individuality and enthusiasm?

why is it so easy to turn a large number of people into mere numbers in the larger game?

why is it so easy to get ones thumb stuck deep into ones bum, so far up that its impossible to get it out?

why is it so easy to slip into the dark and be afraid to see the light?

comparisons

being in a new situation, i often find myself comparing with past experience. older work environments with this once. older colleagues and new ones. older work atmospheres and new ones. past challenges with those that await me in the future.

i guess its only natural to compare. and it takes all kinds of people to make the world, so i guess i shouldnt be surprised at the diversity i notice.

i realised this morning that 'good' bosses are so hard to come by. for me, the ideal boss is soneone who can combine being a guide, along with being professional, serious when required and also have some fun. the only person who matched up to all that and gave me the best stint of my short-lived advertising career was kalpana. and today i feel glad i had that experience. o i always kniw where i have been, where i am now..and feel good that there has been better. or maybe the best!

blue

iv just heard a whole bunch of bad news.
too much for one day.
3 deaths. 3 separate unconnected CRAZY freaky deaths.
2 people fighting for their lives.
1 person half paralyzed.

i think i take life, and all the wonderful events it brings to me, terribly for granted. i dont pause enough. to think. to thank. to enjoy. to live. to feel lucky. to feel blessed.

life is really so fragile.

im so UN-corporate :)

im halfway through some what could undoubtedly be call the most mindnumbing induction program. 2 days of being cooped up in a training room, being faced with one presentation after another. corporate hoopla, hr gyaan, jargon and all the hullabaloo, just leaves me reeling, and much in need of caffeine.

random thoughts...
1) im so UNcorporate. like a sore thumb. with my UNprim and UNproper "corporate attire". with my why-do-we-need-to-hear-this-bullshit attitude. with my give-me-some-work-to-do-already thoughts.

2) theres got to be a better way to do this than microsoft powerpoint! which, by the way, i think its the mot unengaging and impersonal software to make presentations. it gives some people the creeps. literally. breaking into rashes at the very mention of the term "PPT".

3) i wish i could just stretch my feet out, take my indian chappals off, put my feet up on this rather uncomfortable chair and sit cross-legged. no matter how that goes against everything about corporate etiquette and behaviour.

4) people must definitely think im a snob. its been 2 days and i havent really had a real "conversation' with anyone. i havent spoken to anyone as such. and with the couple of people i have exchanged some verbal banter with, it has never progressed beyond the customary hi-im-so-and-so-from-so-and-so-how-about-you. whats worse, im never the one to initiate conversation or introductions. and everything begins and ends with that intro.

5) speaking of intros..what kind of hr session such as this doesnt have an ice breaker to begin with. i mean we've been in the same room for over a day..each of us stuff as a rake, not knowing what to say/do/expect. just dumbly listening, not engaging, talking, interacting..my brain as i know it is on hibernate mode since monday morning.

6) maybe i should play "mail-mail" with ak, vc and pa. and abuse the newly acquired push-email privilege on my swanky new business phone. "mail-mail" is a juvenile timepass activity we invented, which requires a group of people to exchange nonsense emails over ridiculous topics of discussion, at super fast speeds and crazy rates of response. for no apparent except to distract oneself from work on hand, and entertain people such as me, stuck in boring inductions.

7) maybe i should sit and calculate my actual take home salary, based on the information i have aquired today. information that makes me feel enlightened and knowledgeable, seeing as how hr didnt so much as give me a salary break-up! (someones clearly not doing their job right!)

8) i cannot fucking wait for the weekend. and the promise of downtime and beachtime and sunshine it brings with it. i dream of salad and juice on the beach. of driving through dusty auroville. and of crazy shaped houses. and a big golden globe of light.

9) maybe i should have that maharaja mac today.

which brings me to another point. tomorrow i have something to look forward to. a glimmer of hope (and no, this is not just the post-obama-talk im immitating). a spot of sunshine in yet another boring day i will spend in the confines of that damned training room.

i have a maharaja mac lunch date. and i cannot wait.

gee, im so easily satisfied sometimes.

i find myself swimming..

..like a bubble in a glass of champagne. just floating around with the flow.

with no idea where im going, or whats coming my way.

weather blues

the cold inside the house is getting to my bones.
i dont want to move.
i cant think straight.
i feel blue.
i cant wait for summer to begin.
with long, bright and sunshiney days.

shaky truth about today

im in the midst of juggling a fair bit of newness in my life. and i dont think im as "settled" as i thought i was. today i added yet another element of newness into my crowded life. and i feel terribly unsettled. like a coke bottle thats been carried in a bag through a very bumpy ride. when the ride is done and im about to call it a day, i feel like its just going to erupt and bubble over. spilling uncontrollably all over the floor and making a giant mess.

i miss everything familiar. i miss home. i miss my parents. i miss my bed. i miss the warmth and security i had in 402. i miss everything i had that i took for granted. i miss having everything in life, in place.

i dread this shaky unfamiliar zone im in. and i feel awful that right now i have NOTHING thats familiar. nothing concrete. nothing fixed. (apart from the obvious, of course)

to-do-in life

there is this mental list of things to do, that i keep. kind of like life's list of thing to finish, before i die. actually not that drastic, things to finish before 2010. and things seem to be piling onto it way faster than getting ticked off it.

it includes things as varied as visiting sri lanka to helping out the aunties at bhavya. some as random and intagible as "see as many places as you can" and "increase savings". and yet its like im standing still and the list keeps growing. i feel restless. like i dont wat to sit around. be indoors. i want to get out and do things. i dont want to be the kind of adult who sits around waiting for the big thing to happen somewhere in life.

oooh this restlessness.

irony: rule #65

the problem with being independent and self-reliant 99% of the time is that when you DO ask for help, nobody takes it seriously.

i was scared today, and i asked for help. and i didnt get any.

to eat or not to eat..

..that is ALWAYS the question.

my appetite is a funny thing. it gets hungry at odd hours, and it craves few distinctly specific things that i love. outside of those delectable "specialties" (which include things as simple as yellow dal), im not a big eater. i mean im not the gluttonous sort that can eat for the sake of eating, just because something "tasty' / "healthy" / "rich" has presented itself before me. of course all of this automatically changes when im on holiday. when there is a drastic shift in metabolism, appetite and intake. food can then be consumed in insane amounts, at fast speeds, with very little intervals between them.

but then again, thats a rare thing. on a daily basis im happy eating small amounts of food, at mealtimes only. but thats just not good enough. evidently im not fat enough :( and im not "healthy" looking enough. for the symbol of being a wife, and of a respectable family, one needs to be FAT to show it. or so i believe..

tut tut.. someday im going to write a book on the absurdity of my life.

2008

i might be obsessing with the new year a little bit here, but theres something about january that makes me sit and wonder. this past year has really whizzed by. we're already back in january, in a whole new year, when i can so clearly recollect events and incidents of the january of the year that passed.

quite frankly, 2008 has gone by a little too fast for my liking. far too much happened far too quickly. leaving me reeling. dont get me wrong..2008 has been a pretty damn good year for me, but as always i wish time would slow down, things would happen faster, so i could accomplish more, savour time and events better and feelings would linger on for longer than they do.

another year gone by. just an indication of how we're one year older. an indication of much is yet to be done, and how far we've come.

the year that has passed has been eventful. both good and bad. a lot happened. i changed 2 jobs. and eventually chucked it all to take a break, and explore working on my own. its been satisfying and challenging.

i dealt with telling my folks about vivek, getting engaged, preparing for a madass huge indian wedding, getting married and feeling like this was the best decision iv made in recent times.

consequently, i moved out of home for the first time EVER. iv always lived at home. all the 24 years of my short life so far, iv shared a roof with m family, with my parents. opportunities to move out have presented themselves before, but for many reasons (including fear, security, laziness) i chose to stay. yes, im a slut for comfort and luxury and wasnt ready to give it all up for a tougher life alone :).. so yes, packing ALL my belongings and moving, being wrenched out of the only familiarity iv known all my lfie was hard. but there was a flip side, living with vivek, which made it slightly easier.

iv travelled quite a bit this past year. and in retrospect, i feel lucky and happy that i saw so many places. hampi-twice, chennai, mumbai, pune, maldives, mysore, delhi, amritsar..and i think i havent covered everything yet.

2008 had its downs too. loved ones falling seriously ill, others battling addiction, feeling truly "broke" for the first time in my life, watching unhappy situations helplessly, adjusting to a new home and feeling like its all falling apart.

anyhoo, im looking forward to 2009. because 2008 was a bit of a transition for me. personally, professionally and emotionally it wa s abridge..like moving from one thing to another. crossing over. so in a sense 2009 is a whole NEW year for me. a new role, new place, new home, new mind set, new attitude..and still holding on to evrything that makes me, ME.

home

is where the heart is.

its where i can be myself. no questions asked.

its where i feel no expectations, no pressure, no silent unspoken vibes.

its where il always be me..100% fully unadulterated, bare naked me.

its where iv left my soul. and let my body wander on.

and im so lost without it.

resolutions

i thought i had a few new years resolutions to begin 2009. seeing as how this time, the new year is REALLY new for me. its a new life, a new role, a new me, a new way to be.

but for some reason i cant seem to remember the resolutions i had made in my head at various points during the build up to NYE. im trying to recollect but i cant remember. either they were not important enough to stick in my head, or maybe i dont really need an occasion to make a resolution. or to resolve to be/do a certain thing.

honestly, i think iv seen myself resolve to do things on several occasions, apart from on new years eve. so i wonder why all the fuss about make a resolution.

never the less, there are two things i really want to do well this year, and it needs to go down in writing, so i can remind myself:
- to travel, as much as i can. to make smaller simpler, trips even if in solitude. but to see as much as i can. and not wait for that one big trip to happen. to live everyday as a separate bit of my life, rather than a build up to "the next big thing"..
- to write, as much as i can. whether its this blog, or work, or jus random musings in my notebook, or to eventually get down to really writing.. just make it happen

the only female mowgli i know

some recent pictures im proud of.
and have added to my love for portraits.

random ramblings to mark the 3rd day of the new year

it seems that the next logical step after marriage IS (and no, it cant be anything else) to produce offspring. or so im told. its ll iv heard in the last 2 days. including from my gynecologist, who i was hoping would have another more realistic, rational opinion to put my mind at rest.

before you jump to any conclusions, no im not pregnant. im just one of those people that has no desire to be. i mean, i seem to have zero maternal instincts. i have no romantic feelings of having my own child, bringing it up, seeing my own flesh and blood grow and become an adult or feel the "satisfaction" one is supposed to feel when one gives birth. i dont know why, but i dont get starry eyed and goo-goo over it.

yes, there was a time in life when i secretly named my babies in my head. aisha if it was a girl and samir if it was a boy. but that was all hypothetical. imaginary. never with the slightest hope that it would all someday happen, or come true, or unravel real life! (i had a way of being silly in my head like that)

so anyway..im slightly disappointed at the number of people who think its just "the next thing to do", once you're married. whatever happened to discovering a career? traveling? living a life with your spouse? learning to cook? learning to support yourself and your spouse before bringing another life into the world? being ready to be a parent? figuring out what an upbringing is? living the life of your own, before being burdened with a child. i mean, come on. sure some people think its ultimately infinitely satisfying and dont wish for more, but heck, it does change your life, whether you accept it or not. so hmm, therefore...for many reasons im not ready.

most importantly, because i dont think its something i should do just because biology allows me to. or because im not that much closer, given that im married. or because i can safely legally do it now. or because 24 is the best age to do it.

you're 24. have a baby. (id rather watch other babies, for short spans of time)
you're healthy. have a baby. (i like being healthy, and i dont stay fit so i can get pregnant)
you have hormonal issues. have a baby. it'll settle. (no thanks!)
you're young. finish it off, you'll be free. (HELLO! its not some chore to get out of the way)

so yeah. its been a funny day. everybody says "have a baby". doesnt anybody else see it as a mammoth decision? not one that can just be done and finished with. doesnt anybody else see it as much as an emotional and mental and psychological thing, more than just a physical activity that one has to go through once in life. blessed that we are, with the capacity to bear children. i find it so fucking ridiculous how some people can think.

one humble small corner of my mind sometimes makes me think, maybe im wrong. and that in time my views will change too. but that part is small right now :) close to non existent.

anyhoo, back to being good ol me..doing the things i love to do.
- coconut coolers
- prawn terminator
- hanging with niyu, vc, priya, james
- laughing till i pee
- ice cream
- writing
- fotu-taking
- bittersweet (kanye west..its the new song on repeat)

funny thing is, i dont see myself as the kind of person who will ever be emotionally, mentally ready to have a baby. and nobody gets it. but thats okay i guess.

in search of..

i think there's a side of me i am still in search of. still discovering. still exploring. and though i think i may have found the key to go hunting, the search has only just begun.

and it makes me immensely happy. like nothing has, in a long time.

perfectly describing my state of mind on the first day of the new year

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm in a cross

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserve
No better and no worse

I just got lost
Every river that I've tried to cross
And every door I ever tried was locked
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

You might be a big fish
In a little pond
Doesn't mean you've won
'Cause along may come
A bigger one

And you'll be lost
Every river that you try to cross
Every gun you ever held went off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the firing stops
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off
Ooh-Oh, And I'm just waiting till the shine wears off...

the last day that was..

i had a weird new years eve. it spanned such a variety of emotions. anticipation, excitement, disappointment, sadness, frustration, dejection, loss, defeat, helplessness, relief, happiness, drunkenness, elation, excitement, love, contentment, sleepiness... all in the span of a few hours.

what began as a disaster, left me feeling that this day is so overrated. iv always thought so. and iv barely ever "celebrated'. whats to celebrate really? if you think about it, its just the completion of yet another revolution around the sun. the passing of 365 and 1/4th days. reason to get older. the passage of time. time catching up. and yet all this hullaballoo..much ado about nothing, maybe?

but i wanted to celebrate this time. "celebrate". i think new years eve was a coincidence. a reason. a day to have fun. i just really wanted to be with family. with niyu. with dumms. with priya. with james. with everyone i can truly freely be myself around. just to let my hair down and have a good night. just for one night in the year. and i was looking forward to it. music. alcohol. biryani. chill times.

and it almost didnt happen.

but then it did. and i had a fun night. theres 2 kinds of people in this world. the kind that get you, the kind you can be free with. the kind who know the real mad crazy you, inside out. and the kind that just dont fucking have a clue.

i think i prefer the former. and last night was all about that.

happy new year all my lowes.