contentment

i just got back from one of the most satisfying holidays this year.

and on a quiet moment on the rocks, i realised that 2008 has been a decent year for me. there's been the good, the bad and the ugly, but i think an overall sense of goodness prevails. the good has outdone the bad and ugly. and im looking forward to 2009.

its THAT time of year again (ugh!) when by default i start looking back and wondering how time has flown, what have i done that has made a difference this year, how much have i grown.. or have i grown at all? (and i dont mean the weight and height)

but more about that soon...

homesickness

i have the good fortune of having TWO homes to call my own. and whats better, theyre just within 10 mins of eachother.

yet, i feel homesick.

happy song for the day

so im homesick. and holidaysick. and sleep deprived. i think..

and this is going to be my happysongtherapy for a while..

so im sharing the joy.

memories from a different time

i just found these.. and im going back in time.. and it feels like i could fall in love all over again.. just so easily. in love with the good times, youth, fun times, free-er times, love, generosity, positivity..and so in love with life.

in awe

i saw a glimpse of divinity today. a goddess among divine dancers.
i tasted genuineness. witnessed it first hand.

authority, divinity, grace, beauty, symmetry, love, involvement, integrity, dedication, prayer, surrender.

and its triggered something inside of me.
rekindled an old love.
brought a forgotten dream back to life.

well in a slightly soft and subdued way.


i visited nrityagram today. the agenda was to walk around and take pictures. but all i did was sit and watch. from beginning to end. and i think it would be safe to say that my jaw that dropped when she walked in didnt get put back in place until i had left.

sting believes it too :)

O F O F O F, i just found this..

If you need somebody, call my name
If you want someone, you can do the same
If you want to keep something precious
You got to lock it up and throw away the key
If you want to hold onto your possession
Don't even think about me

everybody's free to wear sunscreen

today im reminded of the sunscreen song.

"respect your elders. don’t expect anyone else to support you.
maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse,
but you never know when either one might run out."

"be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it.
advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth."

and i could not agree more.
im so dazed and confused about so many things.

whats right? whats wrong?
what would i do?
are my opinions too strong?
where would i draw the line?
is my view a little skewed?

set it free

akshay always said "when you love someone, set them free"
i know now more than ever how important it is to let go, give space, set your love for something free.. its the only way to let it grow, and flower into everything it can be.

i wish there were an easier way to understand this.

what i learned yesterday..

i dont understand death
im not good with death
when im overwhelmed and overcome by emotion, theres no controlling it
someday il have to deal with all of this first hand, and its going to be very scary

forget what we're told, before we get too old

sometimes when im feeling too much to explain myself the words just dont come out right, leaving me stifled by my emotions..an old song, a bunch of lyrics to my rescue.

sometimes the timing is mindnumbingly eerie. like when it just turns on, randomly, when my ipod is on shuffle.

we'll do it all
everything
on our own
we don't need
anything
or anyone
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?
i dont quite know
how to say
how i feel
those three words
i said too much
theyre not enough
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?
forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden thats bursting into life
lets waste time
chasing cars
around our heads
i need your grace
to remind me
to find my own
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?
forget what we're told
before we get too old
show me a garden thats bursting into life
all that i am
all that i ever was
is here in your perfect eyes, theyre all i can see
i dont know where
confused about how as well
just know that these things will never change for us at all
if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

fear

a human beings worst enemy is fear. theres nothing more debilitating and hindering to ones individuality and ones expression, than fear. its the bane of all existence.

fear wrecks everything. fear controls ones goodness, curbs positivity and ruins any possibility of anything good coming out of ones actions.

thats because fear has this unique quality..of consuming and completely enveloping everything you could have otherwise thought of or done to get yourself through a situation. fear clouds your rationality. it weighs you down, affects your mind body and soul. and makes you believe things that are not otherwise true. it has this way of worming itself into your psyche, and engulfing every bit of your thinking, human brain.

fear is the wrong path to take. it changes things. turning them over completely. wrecking the future that awaits each of us. fear makes us think when we shouldnt. it makes us calculate when we shouldnt. it makes us regret when we shouldnt. it makes us feel unhappy and weak when we arent.

but the thing that makes fear most deadly, is when its tied up with respect. when we confuse our respect and love for something or someone, as a reason to fear what might happen to them. fear and respect should never be made 2 sides of the same coin. because theyre not. infact theyre exactly the opposite.

when you earn someones respect, it sets you free. it liberates you. or at least its supposed to. but when you confuse that respect and tie it up with fear, you get weighed down, bound, tied up..to all the things that hold you down. and stop you from being that person you really are. that self inside of you, that burning to be set free. thats craving liberation. that must be allowed to bloom, fly, take off, soar.

i write..

..because its what i do best.
..because it makes me happy.
..because it gives me a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction.
..because i believe i havent tappen my potential to its absolute fullest.
..because it challenges me.
..because im worth it.
..because its fulfilling.
..because its become my livelihood.
..because it comes so easy.
..because i have a brain that needs to be used.
..because its my life.

..not because i have nothing better to do.
..not because i need to get out of home.
..not because i need something random to occupy myself.

"what you feel is what you are
and what you are is beautiful"-- slide, goo goo dolls

...and i cant go :(:(:(

yeah, so maybe it is selfish. but i really did want to go. shakti comes to bangalore once in maybe 3-4 years. so yeah, that makes me damn selfish for wanting to go. and now i cant. and maybe it shouldnt be such a big deal, but it really bothers me all of a sudden.

too much for one day

too much has happened for one day.
crisscrossing thoughts.
physical exhaustion.
sleep deprivation.
the endorphins trying hard to get me going.
and all i want to do is put my head down and sleep.
and call it a day.
at 7 pm.

there's nothing like a nice song that hits the spot, just the way you need it to.

Hold up
Hold on
Dont be scared
Youll never change whats been and gone

May your smile (may your smile)
Shine on (shine on)
Dont be scared (dont be scared)
Your destiny may keep you warm

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
Youll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Get up (get up)
Come on (come on)
Whyre you scared? (Im not scared)
Youll never change
Whats been and gone

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
Youll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Cos all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
Youll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

Were all of us stars
Were fading away
Just try not to worry
Youll see us some day
Just take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out
Stop crying your heart out


*****

im tired.. and i havent said it enough.

life goes on..

who do we trust?
who do we believe in?
what will give us hope to keep going?
what will make everyday life relatively safe again?
am i really that sheltered and cuccooned from the harshness of this reality, that i only am exposed to in terms of news and media reports?
where is the truth and the justice?
how can i as an individual do my bit to make india a better place in the face of all this madness?
should life go on the way it has, like nothing really happened?

yawn..

waking up isnt so easy these days. there's too much happening too soon. and its as much as it is exciting. yawwwwwwwwn..

im tyring to understand...

when times change and people change, why do they leave their thoughts behind?

today's repeat

my tolerance and "appreciation" of hindi has grown. i watched dostana today, and after a long time felt like a hindi movie was entertaining, funny, different (well, slightly) and didnt leave me counting down time till the 180th minute..

sharing todays repeat :)

iv learned...

...that my parents are the coolest parents anyone could have ever had
...that everything falls into place, in retrospect
...that i honestly truly love 402, abhiram
...that patience is a virtue that i dont have too much of
...that everyone is entitled to an opinion, and sometimes that opinion isnt particularly nice
...that sometimes its harder to take, than give
...that accepting a mistake calmly is hard
...that my happiness is someone else's happiness, and vice versa
...that i need to let go of so much that i would otherwise hang on to
...that no matter what happens, nothing can ever replace memories

neez-the-beez

i miss having you around. i wish bangalore and bombay were closer to each other. i wish airline prices weren't so high. i wish time had moved slower. i wish theres a time in the future when we can live together in one home again. so that the madness can resume exactly where it left off.

lots of love and many much missings.

sniff sniff xoxox.

high!

life, is best lived when one is on a high of one kind or the other.
i believe when one enjoys something, it is all about being on a high. high on conversation. high on a shopping spree. high on food . high on sugar. high on love. high on energy. high on success. high on victory. high on satisfaction. high on laughter. high on chocolate. high on good weather. sometimes, high on alcohol. high on peace. high on music. high on silence. and like i experienced today, just like many other days, high on endorphins.

i think life is a series of episodes spent in the pursuit of this kind of bliss. and we seek it in different forms, through so many different routes. if only someone could invent a way to sustain it. without the lows in between. where one pursuit ends and another begins.

new way, new life...

the truth about...

boys are difficult.
and all my life, i've had things easy.
i dont take well to difficult things.

so help me god.

and so i ran away...

things learnt:
sometimes one has to do what one has to do
even at the cost of breaking hearts
some journeys mean more than just going the distance
faith is universal, showing it is personal
the world is a beautiful place
punju food is yummy
letting go is easy, holding back the feeling is easier
missing someone special is relative


someday il go back to punjab. thanks daddy ak, ag pa, g -- for these frames in my mind, snippets from a trip to remember..

im wondering..

where do feelings go when they're not expressed?
where do words go when they're not spoken?
where do stories go when they're not told?

do they ever find a way out?

thinking aloud

I am: living in the moment. and happy to be where i am in life.; blissfully in love; awaiting the future excited and worried at the same time

I think: about how time tends to pass slowly when you really need it to go by fast, and how it zips along when you want it to go slow. all, when its actually going at the same speed throughout.

I know: that someday im going to have to quench this thirst to travel and see places iv been dreaming of for a long, long time.

I want: to be on a beach, with soft white sand and clear blue sea, beneath a bright orange umbrella, basking in the glory of happiness and sunshine.

I have: everything i could have imagiend for myself; a strong will to live life to the fullest; a serious fear of the dark.

I wish: it were easier to sustain the happiness, forget the unhappiness, and everyone had equal amounts of everything they needed.

I hate: smoking, cynicism, two-faced-ness, the constant 3-day drizzle that we occassionally face, garbage trucks, milk.

I miss: the years between age 16 - 18, college days, the freedom to do what i wanted along with the security of still being a child who'll always have a safe home to come back to.

I fear: fear itself, losing people i love, loneliness, never being able to travel

I feel: lazy, at the moment. and i feel the lack of a certain someones presence.

I hear: the tv in the next room and the sound of the keys on my laptop.

I smell: the amazing smell of wet paint and freshly polished wood. and its making me seriously high.

I crave: to be on a deck chair, on a beach, staring out into a beautiful sunset.

I search: for ways to be at peace with myself and everything around me, for the perfect saree blouse design.

I wonder: how long it will be before i can pack up, leave, travel, see the world, and not feel poor at the end of it.

I regret: soemthings, sometimes.

I love: like iv never loved before, the sea, elephants, my family, vivek, photography, music, the rain, weekends, the smell of mens cologne lingering in the elevator, flowers, yellow roses, photographs on india, watching babies from a distance, writing what i feel, talking, eating just about anything, the gym and the endorphin rush, where life has brought me.

I ache: to own a new lens.

I care: for those i love.

I am not: an average chicita, a good cook, good at business.

I believe: theres more to life than to get married and have babies, goodness in everyone except auto drivers, what goes around comes around, someday i WILL travel far and wide, for no real reason but to soak up the world.

I dance: only when im out clubbing, and only when nobody is looking.

I sing: only when im not forced to, and only when im not shy.

I cry: when i miss, when i love, when im happy, when im PMSing.

I don’t always: enjoy "hanging around", feel my best.

I fight: a lot, off late; more than id like to; when i feel threatened, or like something i hold dear is threatened or challenged.

I write: for a living; when i have so much to say, and nobody to say it to; when i want to express something beautifully; when i have an idea that needs to come out.

I win: when i put my mind to it.

I lose: when im not paying attention, when im lazy, when i want to let someone else win.

I never: want to be old and alone.

I always: want to be on a beach; try and look on the bright side; want to understand and be understood; talk it out; send my love into the future.

I confuse: vivek.

I listen: to aything thats remotely nice.

I can usually be found: dreaming, in my room, on my bed, with my laptop on my tummy. or in the gym. or with vivek. or watching a movie. or eating out. or being with my family.

I am scared: of the dark; of losing people i love; of losing a moment that will never come back.

I need: to be loved; to believe in myself some more; to see the world some day.

I am happy about: everything, at the moment.

I imagine: what life would be like if i hadnt had the childhood and upbringing that i had; what it would be like to be a boy; how it must feel like to be able to teleport yourself into any time and place.

here and now

all through my life, ive been the sort of person that organises, plans, coordinates and controls everything i do. yes control, is the operative word there. i like to think i have control over what i do, what happens to me, and where my life is headed. from little meticulous to-do lists, to a carefully cleaned out and organised cupboard, iv been a stickler for planning things and doing them in a way that gives me great pleasure when iv ticked those things off my list.

im still organised, but somethings changed. iv slowed down, and chilled out. i dont get so hassled over things that dont turn out the way i might have imagined, or planned or meant for them to pan out..i give into a fatalistic approach far more easily than i used to, and i have learnt to live more in the now than brood over the past or stress over the future. i wont say im perfect, but im miles ahead of where i used to be. and i must confess, life is happier and slower when you learn not to try and stay in control.

i guess its because ive learnt that so little really is in my control. with things that happen, the turns in life, events, moments, changes..none of these really come with prior warning, or after having consulted with you. most often life doesnt fit into a to-do list or a colour coded way of life. life isnt always about ticking things off a laundry list and thats something iv learnt recently.

i cant say i succeed everytime, but im getting there. iv learned to try and live for the moment, to think about the here and the now, and to savour every bit of the present, because you never really get a second chance. and who knows whats coming my way, with every passing moment.

STOP.

i want to practice not needing. i want to start being independent. i want to stop caring. i want to be my own person.

things seem so much simpler for those who dont care.

me vs. me

its funny how sometimes things happen that make me feel like im so goddamn different from everyone i know, even the people im closest to. when that one thing that makes me who i am, stands out in my face, so distinctly differentiating me from everyone around me.

especially when im at a time in my life, moving from one stage into the next, one set-up into another, one family to another, one life to another, one mind set to another..things suddenly become alarmingly stark and visible. iv seen myself gets defensive and easily challanged. my thoughts, beliefs, style, ideals, attitudes are suddenly things that i hold on to dearly. almost fiercely. because its what makes me, me. and when it seems like theyre being questioned, or mildly threatened, everything suddenly becomes so overtly real and in-your-face. things i have taken for granted, overlooked and barely noticed about myself, im not suddenly paying attention to, realising and feeling a close connection to.

its an iteresting time in my life. a trying time. of holding my own, versus letting it all go to be something im really not.

walk to remember

today i took a walk in a dark and mysterious place. fumbled my way through. armed with previous experience, judgement and some amount of guesswork, i kept going. words were flung. faces made. feelings hurt. and then i felt some truths really hit home. some truths that came thundering down, from nowhere, knocking on your door screaming "dont you know?!"

i took a walk into a mans psyche. and i knocked on the door tagged "ego".

:)

niyu's been obscured by clouds

my BABY sister is now a pro at sending her art. this summer holiday she has fully sent art, in all possible forms. here's the result of a summer holiday, with just about enough time to spare.

obscured by clouds is a film by niati upadhya. concept, storyboard and editing, music, vocals..all by niyu. with a fair amount of help from friends shilo shiv suleman, gayatri ganju and nikhil narendra.

im full to proud :)

in just about 2 weeks..

life has changed dramatically. iv gone from..
"in a relationship" to "engaged"
employed to unemployed
unhappy and stressed out to happy and carefree
negative to positive
cynical to optimistic.

kesariya baalam, padharo mhare des

new

take a chance..life's too short to be anything but happy.

and so i did.

so it is, that a new beginning has sort of snowballed its way into my life sooner than i expected. makes me believe in fate and destiny. and positivity.

i will begin anew. but im prepared, or so id like to think.

its the best feeling. ever.

welcome to my life dumsy.

:)

run reva run

so the running has begun again.
small beginnings.
tremendous energy.
iv noticed it makes me energetic through the day, and keeps me going.

here's to keeping it going.
sustaining it is always the tough part.

professional rant

is this some sort of rut?
some cycle?
some sign from up above?
why is it that work cannot excite me and sustain me longer than 4 months?
can i really attribute it to immediate changes around here? the persistent lack of reason, encouragement, direction? a mentor perhaps?
or should i stop looking for it? and fend for myself?
when all about me seems like its falling apart, and nobody seems to care, should i sit and feel what im feeling in all its splendour, and hope for some catharxis?
or should i turn a blind eye and hope its nothing permanent?

weirdness returns

family is so full of hot air sometimes. and expectations, respect and adoration is so fragile. they can crumble so easily when opinions and judgement calls fly out thoughtlessly. and then guilt comes in spurts and starts. what does it mean anyway?

fuck the world. nobody can replace your heart and your will.

here's to you mr james

this one goes out to you. and insane memories of fake car fan breeze blowing your almost non existent hair. and days spent in endless meandering.

:)

awesome twosome

smoke and ashes.
in the rain.

its addictive.
im on it right now.

on my mind right now:

can someone undo a communication breakdown?

can regret be undone?

can i sustain a happy state of mind at will?

bleaghkk.

of all the millions of feelings i am capable of feeling, the one i hate most is regret.
and im feeling regret right now.
lots of it.
and i have to make it stop.

55fiction - except, this is for real

barren. like wanting a child and not having one. like craving to be something you're not. like dying to fill a role thats expected of you, and failing miserably.

empty.
dead.
vacant.

doom lingers around. like right before an exam. or dental appointment.

the deadline draws closer. i have no ideas for the film fest.

nothing would ever be the same again

Vivek: ayyo paaap..i knew b4 only that i want u for life
not when i gave u the flowers
stupid paapa

sigh

random rant

i need to rant and i have nowhere to do it. so here goes:
im disappointed. im disillusioned. but deep down i know it will pass. i just wish i knew my way through this confusion.

im also happy. and satisfied in a sense. but thats not about all of my life in general.

my life at the moment: close to perfect. a loving family, despite all my tantrums and dramatic interjections, they're always supportive. and though i seldom see it, never acknowledge it, NEVER appreciate it. i know im super lucky. and i know im ungrateful. if i am where i am today, its because they've always supported and let me do my thing, almost no questions asked.

personally: peachy. i couldnt ask for anything more. theres a happy high and a slumping low every now and then, but its all for the best. i dont know where i get this unshaking faith and belief that things always work out in the end. and if its not alright, well then it just isnt the end. so i wait. and i wait quite happily.

socially: just enough. happily adequate. countable few friends that i enjoy the company of. online and in person. im happy, entertained, intellectually stimulated, cared for and all in all its just a jolly good time.

professionally: confusing and directionless, but im hanging in there.

on my mind at the moment: is my life going to be one constant quest to find the nicest place to work? a place thats just the right combination of interesting work balanced with mentoring, guidance and rigour? a place thats organised and information flows so as to make everyones life easy? or should i stop asking questions, zone it all out and function on auto pilot? because this is the truth everywhere?

theres enough happiness doing the rounds in my life at the moment. i need to zone out the crap and focus on the good juju. and i need to do it starting NOW.