introspection and venting

im sitting here in the middle of this gorgeous mid-week mid-day. there’s a post-rain cool breeze blowing, with a hint of warm sunshine. my work for the day is done: iv cooked a meal for two that i will be eating alone, and iv managed to get ahead of myself with the writing work i had scheduled for the week. all in all, things are looking good, and i have this gorgeous day ahead of me to enjoy just as i please. but theres a nagging thought in my head thats stalling me every step of the way. i just cant seem to get past it. and yes, its getting in the way of me enjoying my glorious afternoon.

iv written before about being “used”. a bit of navel gazing and some words of wisdom from the husband have led me to believe that perhaps i am indeed at fault. the problem lies within me and my Gullible Self. how else do you explain a series of events where i have given an inch to help someone in time of need, and a whole mile (or more) has been yanked out of it? it happens over and over, almost as if my Gullible Self doesnt want to learn from past experience. its as if im overcome by some mutant gene that just takes over when someone needs help. a gene that makes all past experience fly out of my memory. i dont have it in me to draw a fine line between helping someone out and being taken for granted.

sometimes i make myself feel better that its best to just help and forget about it. but when helping someone translates to being used and taken for granted, it does pinch. the worst part: i dont know what to do to change.

sob.