-----

theres a fine line between being in a relationship and having a really good friend. its easy to mix up the two. and when you do, hearts get broken.

its all just too sad to watch.

going round in circles..

when im confused, happy, unhappy, tired, bugged, sad, lonely, ecstatic, excited, anything..theres only one person i call first to share it with.

stupid songs mean a whole lot more. theres memories associated with almost every song i hear.

everything i see or do reminds me of the past.

when i need to be heard out no matter what im blabbing about, i can only think of one person.

advice, sharing the way i feel, listening unendingly..i can only think of one person.

and yet, i continue to fight the moonlight. am i going round in one big circle? is this really taking me somewhere? somewhere i belong? how long will i continue to fight?

i feel far away

been far away for far too long. far away from everything that i hold dear. everything that makes me who i am. its a sinking sort of feeling.

we chase after the silliest things in the hope of being happy. and sometimes all it takes is a tiny misunderstanding and a few moments to just splatter all over. beyond repair. beyond rebuilding. makes you wonder..why do we do the things we do? why do we have such weird personal definitions of happiness? what does it mean to really be happy? why does so much of it depend on the outside? what others give to us? the perfect job? peace and calm at home? being understood by those who matter? peaceful friendships and meaningful relationships?

what happened to those simple joys in life? cliche as it sounds, whatever happened to them?! its so hard to see meaning in solitude. in a day well spent with myself. looking within. doing things for me for a change. iv become a slave to the outside world. all my pleasure, contentment and happiness seems to come from the outside world and all the stimuli its throwing at me. movies, restaurants, friends outside, hanging out, roaming around aimlessly.

i think iv hit saturation. im so far away from who i used to be.

"hold on to me, never let me go"

random thoughts on a sunday afternoon

i wish i could bury myself in my books rather than my thoughts
i need to get down to finding myself that d80
there are very few people who REALLY get me
in retrospect i am amazed at realising who those few people are
is there some way to instantly change ones state of mind
i want to go to bandipur one weekend
hampi beckons also
funnily, the beach is no.3 or no.4 on the list at the moment
i wish i did more to be around for the people who take pains to stay in touch
iv wasted too much time, effort and emotion in things that will lead to a dead end
happiness is a state of mind that i can sustain if i choose to
working out has brought a lot of endorphins and happiness back in to my life
theres simple joys in seeing people happy
is there really a happily ever after
not everybody understands that
sometimes it hurts me to see that go unnoticed
am i really a closed book
is it hard to get through to me
am i hard to deal with
am i hard to understand
is it difficult to talk to me
should i really care
what does it mean to be really 100% at peace with everything
acceptance is the only way to go it seems
i miss the shnuggums
i miss what little "certainty" and predictability i had
it scares me to think that in on year or less my life might change completely
or not, and thats equally scary
it makes me incredibly happy to think that niyu is having a blast in bombay at college
i love hearing avneesh babble in what he thinks is perfectly understandable hindi/marathi/konkani
i like being able to tune out and read all afternoon
i want to watch a whole stack of dvds all day, one day
i want to go back to europe soon
can i really let go if i wanted to bad enough
i want to stop, chuck, start over afresh
everything must go
new choices, new people, new feelings new situations, new reality

happiness lies in being able to sort out unconnected meandering thoughts and put it all down. its like going in reverse in your mind and thinking back all thats swimming through your brain.

time travel

did a little clean up of sorts. actually because i was hunting for cds niyu asked to be sent to bombay for her. yeah she sent me this long list of things, which demanded a mini treasure hunt with myself, to locate and put together. anyway, while looking for her talvin singh cd (which i ultimately didnt find. argh.) i found a sony cd, in a cracked plastic case, with my lobsters handwriting scrawled from edge to edge of the jacket. the playlist includes:
- my vision - jakatta feat. seal
- days go by - dirty vegas
- mundiyan to bachke - punjabi mc
- bhangra nights - husan (radio edit)
- shiny disco balls - who da funk
- chase the sun - planet funk
- rapture - ilo
- bhangra knights - bhangra knights
- played-a-live - safri duo
- phenomenon - ll cool j
- hypnotise - notorious big
- changes - tupac shakur
- california love - tupac feat. dr dre
- bonnie and clyde '03 - jay z feat beyonce knowles
- sunset - nitin sawhney
- aisha - khaled

and i immediately knew where it was from. music can transport me back in time. i have strong associations with particular kinds of music. various trips in life. various songs or sets of songs that saw me through a particular time in life. this cd belonged to the summer of 2003. between std 12 and college. the end of the drudgery that was school and the beginning of sweet freedom (or so we thought!). and i was immediately transported. i could almost recollect the past like a set of frames from a memory.

pondi. linen pants. green shades. hip hop. walking on mg rd, pondicherry. sleeveless vests. hippie clothes. cycles. fried rice and butter chicken. discman connected to computer speakers. blaring music in the aurobindo ashram. expensive dinners. shopping. bikes. beaches. bus rides. spinn. lots and lots of partying till we dropped. spinn on wednesday night. spinn on saturday night. spinn on friday and sunday nights also. endless afternoons spent on brigade rd. coffee day. lack of money. sitting at a coffee shop and ordering water. swearing we'd be friends for life. all for one. wide eyed and hpeful about the future. apprehension about college. glad to be leaving schol behind. friendships forged by habit. newness of love and happiness. bliss like iv never known before. freedom, innocence, simple pleasures.

it was the summer that changed my life in more ways than one. nothing was ever quite the same.

blissed. and i dont know why.

im happy today. and im recording the moment. and the feeling.
content.
calm.
blissed.
satisfied.
unperturbed.
unhassled.
peaceful.
smiling.

and i think a lot of it had to do with spending time with being with the lobster in the day, the utts and the viju aunty last night. it felt like going back to the old days. like going back to who i was. like going back to when i was even happy, at all times, with slight variations in mood and emotion. it reminded me of the old me. before and when i was in college. when i was content, happy days and smiles all the time. when things didnt bother me. when nothing was too big a deal.

outside of this, theres no real apparent reason why i should feel this way. its unexplained. but im blissed and im loving it.

it feels good. and i know a lot of it has to do with constantly making mental notes to be calm and not lose it and not be affected. to smile. to ask. to talk. to forget. to not expect. to accept. to give up. to just let it be. to not fight it. it go with it.

im not even restless. physically or mentally. i havent felt this way in days.

and i just want to BE. and soak it in.

down time

i have too many questions zipping through my tiny little head. and i hate to feel like im carrying the burden of all the worlds problems on my head, but sometmes one feels that way no? not literally, but like you want to escape into a little hole. and to the outside world its always like "whats the big deal..", but deep down i know im tugging and yanking at some really major decisions for myself. and its not easy.

i want to go to the sea. sit by the water, listen to the waves..to the sound of the sea and pray that i can listen to the answers deep within me. answers that only i can give myself. answers that have to come from the depth of my mind, my heart. i need some down time.

poof!

iv been living from one saturday to the next. saturday cycles i call them. because nothing that happens in between really is of any consequence. i mean things happen and they're all momentary.. but when saturday comes its bliss. and i have to let it all go now.. its bothering me big time..

no more photography
no more movies
no more breakfast
no more hanging out mindlessly
no more boring shopping
no more drives
no more talking
no more just being
no more saturday bliss

its weird how you can let something grow on you so much. you never think you could end up missing it if you didnt have it.

i miss it.

"i need a sign, to let me know you're here.."

calling all angels

—train

lets waste time

its 7 26 am. i suddenly woke up with a start. and this song was stuck in my head.

with its heavy riffs and strings and deeply melancholic tones.

all that i am, all that I ever was
is here in your perfect eyes
theyre all i can see

i dont know where
confused about how is well
just know that these things will never change for us at all

so not flowery

if it sucks to tell the truth, it should be known that it hurts twice as much to hear the truth and accept it. to digest it. to watch it dig a hole to the pit of your stomach. to allow it to shred your very being up.

i want to go to a beach far far away. where nothing is governed by how much one tries or how much one makes an effort or how much one is physically around..to matter.

with flowers and beauty and emptiness. sweet smells. happy faces. no expectations. no bitterness. no coming and going. no ending and beginning. just plain old stand still stark existence.

we'll find a place together

fly away on my zephyr
i feel it more then ever
and in this perfect weather
we'll find a place together

in the water where the scent of my emotion
all the world will pass me by
fly away on my zephyr
we're gonna live forever
forever

theres just no easy way to say it. i cannot explain. words dont mean what i feel or what i want to say. what i dream of. what i hold on to so tight because im SO afraid it will just fly away one day. i still try. and im afraid i always will. and i might not always be able to take what comes my way..

mahatenne, sri lanka, june 2007

i watched in awe...

..as the rain came down in bits and torrents..

cleansed the already crispy clean air. washed it off and made way for new air. space. wind. rain.

and brought with it rain smells, wet earth, fresh leaf smell, rain smells, rain bugs.

and then the clouds came down and entered the room..

fly

insecure
selfish
unreasonable
in a terrible hurry
undecided
hopeless romantic
disillusioned
scared
lonely
worried
wide eyed
confused
easily excited
easily happy
jovial
lost
dreamer

no prizes for guessing who im talking about..
can someone turn me in a butterfly please? so i can just fly away without a care..

tongue-tied and twisted

theres not much point to being in love.
is it supposed to liberate you? and not tie you down?
where do you draw the line, betwen what you want, what you need..and what you can have?
how much is too much?
what is a compromise? what makes you sure its worth it?
where do gut feelings come into play?
why do i feel like its just some twisted, unncessary, fucked up emotion.

after a long, long time

in memory of:

tree climbing days

school

the nut tree

niyu

young, youthful days of the past

math lessons in the trees

poorna

madness

forgotten joys

the joys of "the wild"

bliss

veesee

VC. dumms. dummy. bums. paaaa-aaaaa-aapa.

resource. meetings. conference room. frescos. dessert. chocolate. pebbles. casino royale. dhoom 2.

anejhari. trip. trek. beach. mangalore. aeroplane. take off. landing. bangalore. mysore. sankey wankey. walk. run. laugh. smile. tickle. cry.

movies. momos. photography. casas. us and them. old and new. together and otherwise.

cheeks. eyelashes.

sideways.
upside down.
jumble.

from vc to dummsy.
we've seen it all.
i think.

people...

people they come together. people they fall apart.

no one can stop us now. we are all made of stars.

a few facts

1. i havent read a single harry potter
2. i havent watched all the harry potter movies
3. i think iv watched two.. i think
4. i cant tell dumbledore from voldemort
5. i dont know what the big fuss is about (and i know someone whos going to say "ehh you dont know anything da!")
6. im not acting ike my life depends on the new harry potter
7. no, the sky is not falling just because the movie has released
8. i secretly wish someone would just TELL me the stories because i dont want to read those big fat books

:(

where did i go wrong, i lost a friend
somewhere along in the bitterness
and i would have stayed up with you all night
had i known how to save a life

truth

absence makes the heart grow fonder.
PERIOD.

aftereffects of yuck long island iced tea

oh the madness.

and the memories.

and the wowe. and the lowe. and the dowe.

and the happy puppy. and mr smiley ball.

and the crazy times. and the happy times. and the angry times.

sigh...

oh the wowe.

pills

someone really should start making some chill pills. like real pills to chill your dil.

imagine that. you shove it in your food, or in the food of someone you think is hyper stressed out, and it causes you to go instantly to sleep. and when you wake you you're all calm and chill and OMMMMM.

hear me, someone!!

i dislike..

...not being talked to decently.
especially when one does make the effort.

maybe its me that has the problem. maybe i expect too much. maybe i want to just quit and give up. maybe im not cut out. maybe the time isnt right. maybe things just arent like i imagined them to be.

the unbearable weight of emptiness

theres a shallow hollowness inside of me.
if i reach/look/feel inside i feel/see/touch emptiness.
yet thoughts pace back and forth.
no beginning and no end.
winding unending inconclusive thoughts that dont mean much to begin with anyway.
if you asked me what im thinking, i wouldnt be able to say.
because i dont know.
it feels like a lot of things.
but its probably nothing at all.
or maybe it is.
im not sure.

something is stuck.
stuck inside me.
in my heart.
maybe my mind.
emotional soul.
and it has no voice.

there is dissatisfaction.
disappointment.
disillusionment.
loneliness.
excitement.
discovery.
apathy.
could it be a weird mixture of all this?

then why does it feel so bad?
why do i feel so empty?

for nostalgia sake

times have changed and times are strange
here i come, but i aint the same

times gone by seem to be
you could have been a better friend to me

you took me in and you drove me out
yeah you had me hypnotized
lost and found and turned around by the fire in your eyes

you made me cry, you told me lies
but I cant stand to say goodbye

i could be right, i could be wrong
hurts so bad, its been so long
mama im coming home

i REALLY miss the old days.
im bleah and feeling weird. confused and very dunno-what-the-word-is. its like im stuck in a moment from the past. i cannot get out of it. it haunts me, with no conclusions. its leading me nowhere.

i just want some familiarity. i want to go home.

amma

her. me. together. differences. laughter. fights. angst. happiness. caring. nurturing. concern. only the best. oodles of happiness. all my life. courage. support. truthfulness. resilient. adjusting. flexible. rigid. stern. scary eyes. loud booming voice. musician beyond compare. all together and so there. firm. assertive. giving. easily convinced. super efficient. enthusiastic. calm. composed. pensive. quiet. know-it-all. doctor. friend. emotional vent. psychiatrist. psychologist. homoeopath. comforter. guide. anger. secrets. confrontation. simmering feelings. so much love. confusion. respect. strength. conviction. unchanging. outspoken. ups and downs.

and after all that, just so much love. i dont think i could ever match up..or even compare. no matter how hard i tried.

human art!

its called japanese human art and you have to watch closely to believe it..
bloody brilliant!

http://www.noob.us/humor/japanese-human-art-why-is-my-girlfriend-mad/

tata bye

last week i officially said a happy goodbye to the maddest, wackiest, most wonderful, diverse, eccentric, spirited and seemingly together group of people iv worked with for just over a year now.

if you're wondering why everyone is dressed like such a wackjob, blame it on the theme. the mismatch party was a blast. j and mrs j were the best..going all the way with the theme and entertaining us so much. the other entertainment had me rolling with laughter till my sides hurt and tears streamed down my face. the nostalgic film for the 4 exitters was so goddamn touching i had to try so hard not to choke and create a big scene. tp and i sang (well we tried to..) dekha na hai re socha na hai re...blah blah.. dedicated to the simova room porkies. the picture sessions were fun. what with pandu looking like an eminem sidekick and wanting pictures with each of us. and every single person then paraded down the centre of the room, strutting their stuff in al their mismatched splendour. tee shirts with ties. mismatched shoes, pink wigs, skirt and a hijab..sigh. im so going to miss the fun. goodbyes are so hard.

it was like saying goodbye to family. you go away but you'll always be in touch. and you will go back one day.

heart. in repair.

too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right

john mayer is the new found favourite. because he tugs and begs to be heard. and makes you want to keep listening. and when you do, he reaches out beneth your skin and fits himself so right, so close to you that you want to hold on. like you do to a warm comfortable pillow. he means what i want to mean.

i bought continuum just yesterday. and i think i might wear the cd out if i keep going this way.

hes just so sigh. so rainy weather and hot chocolate..to put it in an oh so cliche way. but its brilliantly mellow and twang on music.

i like. i like a lot.

ps: this gaana on blog thing also i like. its like sharing what im listening to and feeling. i think its going to be a once a week thing.

pps: he's hot. and he's not even bald!

all in a day

gathering thoughts from an empty blank nasty mind..

toothpaste. puri. aaloo. newspapers. brigade coronet. long drive. astrologer. australia. marriage. long drive back. lunch. egg curry. coffee day. uttara. smoke. laughter. reminiscing. blue tooth. picturs. irish coffee. cream. vivek. burger. drive. rain. red swift. frank. bomi. noon wines. red wine. happy. mellow smooth high. walk. drizzle. james. pussy tickler. koshys. bombay toast. laugh. talk. share. poke fun. punch. pinch. walk. brigade road. crossing. planet m. continuum. achtung baby. namesake. metro. walk. drive. rain. mg road. vivek. chilli paneer. kulcha. o and m. meridian. carpenters. bangalore by night. ice cream. drive. home. bliss.

sleepy. zombie. bored. anticipating. excited. painful. happy. sigh. nostalgic. excited. liberated. dreamy. in love. blissed out. high. hyper. exciteable. uncontrollable. satisfied. appeased. tired. exhausted. chilled out. calm. peaceful. distracted. perturbed. distant. blissed. ecstatic. sad. sad. sad. sleepy. slow. surprised. warm. lovely. confused. nostalgic. troubled. wondering...