i feel like god!

its a big big big day for me, the technology dummy. even the ...for dummies books are a failure on me. when it comes to technology and gadgets and new developments and improvements, im a zero. but today is a big big big day.

as of now...this moment, today...i am wirelessly connected to the internet!! so, im typing this from the luxury of my bed. i lie here in bed, all snuggled in the warmth of my razai. my yellow razai. with my laptop on my tummy. and im awkwardly but excitedly typing away, with the frenzy of a crazed gadget-obsessed teenager!

with a LOT of help fom my good friend james, this was possible. from buying the wireless card on the weekend, to sitting on he phone for over half an hour, painstakingly taking me through the process of configuring it to work. step-by-step, even as he was figuring it out, without losing it..for im a bad bad technology person. we just dont gel. but miraculously it happened. in record time.

i feel like god! like i can make anything happen! thanks jaameeeezzzzzz!

heres to lot more online time in the lap of luxury. from the warmth of my bed. and the convenience of going wherever i please in my house. freedom. happiness. bliss. these little big joys in life..sigh.

smiling now

so i got a haircut. now my hair is all black again. all the bleached remains of a colour job from long ago are now gone.

it was the only bright spot in all of today. apart from a small escape to kasturba road. and a new orange flavoured vodka drink my dad offered me. and the worlds most heavenly mutton curry for dinner.

id say things looked up towards the end of the day. reason to smile? i think so. and tomorrow is a new day.

wasted

one whole day of my long weekend has passed me by. looks like today is going to just slip away also. i had a list of things to do. iv done none of it.

for so many days now, iv looked forward to this long weekend. waited eagerly and anticipated and imagined all the things id be able to finally do. because now i have the time. three long days to spend just as i please. but somehow now i wish i was at work again. because i have done nothing that i wanted to. and im not going to be able to do anything i want to.

its not often that i get 3 days off to be and do the things i dont get to do during the week. shop, wander around the streets of Bangalore, shop at my leisure, meet friends i havent met in a while, watch an afternoon show of happy feet, stay over with a friend, catch a whole bunch of movies..

and now i feel guilty for wanting to do that stuff. nothings worse than being made to feel like what you want is a crime. fair enough i shouldnt be thinking about myself so much. but i want to. i want to. even if its slightly unreasonable. i wish i could just be free. in my mind.

im sick of waiting around for people who are always late. im sick of stupid meaningless arguements. im sick of being told whats responsible and whats right. im sick of wasted time. im sick of trying to "be" the right person i never will be. im sick of putting my life on hold.

here's to the worst weekend ever. everybody else is living it up. i should have just gone away when the idea occured to me. made the most of my weekend. if i dont do the things i dream and imagine i want to do now, when will i ever get this chance again? i have this horrible feeling time is slipping me by. pretty soon im going to be back at college. deep down its really messing me up. there's so much i want to and just trying to live the life thats expected of a certain individual does not always allow that. i want to travel. i want to feel things i have never felt before. i want to live alone. i want to go out. i want to waste time. i want to sit at a coffee shop for six hours without reason. yes i do. so what? i want to spend time with the friends i never had. i want to be free. i want to not have a reason for everything i do. i want to feel like i know what its like to be happy, free, at peace, and not jaded. now its just too fucking late.

today's lesson learnt

and so some days you learn it the hard way. more than one boy. more than one encounter. i DO NOT understand them.

im beginning to be convinced i attract, and am attracted to all the wrong sorts of men. give till it hurts. and then hurt till you can take it no more.

and then the worst thought is i dont think i can change the way i am.

so this is my lesson learnt today.

lets talk

is it really that hard to understand that being there for someone, enjoying someones company, feeling for someone, wanting someone, loving someone, thinking about someone, wondering about someone, hoping, hurting, happy-ing...extends from the good times to the bad? that it covers both ends??

lets talk.

dessert for the dummy

hAAthi: thanks for taking me
hAAthi: and dropping me back
hAAthi: sari + stomach ache..
VIVEK CHUGH: mad aa?
VIVEK CHUGH: what thank u and all
hAAthi: cos it was nice of you
VIVEK CHUGH: moron
VIVEK CHUGH: if u gona get that formal then i might as well too
hAAthi: its not formality when u say it cos u feel it dummass
VIVEK CHUGH: Dear Revati, It was really nice of you to foot the bill at Painted Platters. I really appreciate the thought of you paying for my dessert even though u hardly had a morsel. Thanks once again.. Best regards, Dummy

bwahahaha..that one had to go down in history.
you moron, cut the crap. you're welcome, dummywummy. dont give me all this fake gratitude and all. bwahaha.

wedding

you know time is flying and you're growing older by the day when your friends begin to get married. one by one. this is the start of that phase in life, for me.

shwetha got married today. she looked lovely. she looked happy. id imagine marriage is supposed to do that to people. make them glow with happiness.

today, i began to feel like the idea of marrying someone you really love is fascinatingly exciting. i imagine its a mixture of a tremendous sense of excitement at beginning a new life, combined with a lot of fear and apprehension of stepping into something you've never seen or felt or done before..and wondering if it really will be like everything you've imagined. if it will live up to your expectations of what you think it will be like. its about leaving your past behind, and moving into a new chapter in life, carrying with you just memories, images, snap shots and pictures from the past. funnily, in a conversation over the telephone today, my grandmother asked when i planned to be married..and when i said im not in a hurry, its too soon, she said "those who say its too soon, and im not in a hurry, are the ones who end up geting married early in life".

hmmmmmmm...

but shwetha looked more than happy, and anything but worried. i hope she and venky have all the happiness and love and success and prosperity that they've dreamed of together!

didnt get any pictures of her..but here's us at the wedding.

chasing cars

we'll do it all
everything
on our own

we dont need
anything
or anyone

if i lay here
if i just lay here
would you lie with me
and just forget the world?

i dont quite know
how to say
how i feel...

—chasing cars.
snow patrol.

the words are still not flowing like they should. like they need to. like i need to.
so much to tell. but nothing to tell.
work. cochin. long weekend. bus rides. autocross. prawns. alto. skoda rs. laura. swift. jew town. beef. appams. sleep. nap. bliss.

still nothing to tell. and so much to tell.

6:45 a.m.

this is what i wake up to most mornings these days. a walk / run by sankey tank.
fine, its cold. fine, its painful getting out of bed. fine, its sometimes hard on my knees. fine, some mornings im not in the best of moods. but despite everyting, getting out there, once im out there and walking / running, it alters my day. i thought i was almost getting addicted, much like i have been to all other exercise i have indulged in, in the past. but weird routines got to me and i had a break for about one week. its not easy waking up every day, when you're sleeping only about 5-6 hours a night. YES, i need atleast 7.5-8 hours a night!

the wind is crisp, cool and soothing. when the sun is just coming out of the clouds there a glow about the place. and the surface of the water glints and shines. i love the brisk walk (sometimes a slow run) and the feeling of fresh air filling my insides, the energy pumping with every progressive stride. as i walk around the placid and gentle waterbody, at what was previously considered an unrealistically early hour of the morning, all thoughts slow down. well almost all. i feel energetic, and floppy and like i could just be carried away if a strong wind blew. i feel ready to take on the day. and thats the beast thing the walk does for me.

the morning walk has now become a group affair. and it gives me a chance to hang out with wiggles, sweaty and wappy. who're all super fun in their own ways. sweaty is a super fast walker. wiggles is a half-walk-half-run kind of guy. he'd rather run, but then he'd also rather walk to keep pace with the THREE women he's with. gah, the stud that he is! wappy just does her thing. walks then runs then walks then runs. and i just go with the flow. on a walky day i walk. on a brisk-walk day, i walk a little faster and brisker. on a run day i run a little. on a tired, sleepy, slow-start kind of day i take it a little easy. for the rest of it, we talk and we laugh and we gossip and vent frustrations about work and other areas of life that we care to share with each other. sometimes we also stop by for a coffee or an idli after a walk, (yeah, i know..so much for the exercise) because its just too tempting.

sankey tank is blissful. the best sights of malleswarams and sadashivnagars morning walkers / joggers / laughing club goers / yoga practitioners / meditators / "clappers" / early morning watchers (who just come to stroll and watch life pass them by), can be seen at sankey tank. its a place where "creepy old man" and "stud boy with his red pants and shades" and "pregnant young lady" and "star-struck lover kids" and us walkamaniacs can all go to and just be ourselves. each of us going to sankey tank for our own reasons and each one getting what we want out of it.

i love it. im so glad i started going out, rather than run on my treadmill. im so glad we started going together. it keeps me motivated. its entertaining. and gets my day off to a super start. we'll miss sweaty once she's gone. but the spirit will still remain. i think it was her, that motivated me to get my ass moving in the first place.

signing out now..to get my 7 hours at at least. before wiggles wakes me up with a barrage of messages at the butt-crack of dawn..telling me to move it, wakeywakey, letsgo!, and everything else he does to get us up and moving.

thanks you guys.

random

its happened again.
yet again. bloggers block.
i want to say so much. and the words dont seem to flow.
they're hiding away in the nooks and crannies of my scattered mind.
they cant find their way out. help.

its been a lovely day.
deliciously balmy.
lazy. nostalgic. long-drawn. perfect.
the sun came out. it was nice and warm.
i sense summer is on its way. slowly but surely.
i had a lot of coffee.
thus i am now wide awake.
and i also was lucky enough to get a bite of blueberry cheese cake.
and then i ate momos and soup with niyu.
niyu leaves tomorrow. i think its really going to hit me bad tomorrow evening.
whats worse is, amma wont be around.
the spirit of our home will leave tomorrow. flying away to her farway dreamy place. sigh.

im on a doors trip. cmmmoon baby light my fire. on repeat.
i think its a bloodddy brilliant song.
hello i love you wont you tell me your name.
mr mojo risin. he's so fucking sexy.
this is the end, my only friend. the end.

im off to cochin next weekend.
i cannot wait.

this is random. much like my state of mind just now.
random arbit and disconnected thoughts fighting to find their way out.
jumping out in a disjointed and scattered way.
fighting each other to find the exit first.
its time to sleep.
tomorrow, my day will begin with a drive to the airport.

looking back over my shoulder

now that the frenzy has died down. im sitting around trying to think..what was 2006 like?

mixed up, up and down.

college. graduation. white sari. straight hair. awkward pictures. funny relationships.

deciding what to do. trying to study. in time.

pondicherry. quiet guest house. fire throwers in the dark. comet. ecr. beach. kiney.

summer. speed run. long days. no studying. movies. alcohol. exercise. food.

rolled up pants. coffee day. extra class. practical exams. akshay. vishal.

haircut. purple haze. birthday.

family. feeling torn. needing space.

job apps. google. resource. making choices.

tears. laughter. turning 22. millers 46. akshay. pooja.

goodbyes. hellos. looking back. kunal. jee. maddy. anisha.

bombay. 4 days of lazy fun. babies. food. relatives.

work. a new life. a bad start. a good step up. money in the bank account.

loneliness. estranged. fish out of water.

jealousy. distrust. insecurity. and reaffirmation. renewal.

new friends. new people. new work. new experiences. so much to learn and see and watch and observe.

growing into a new role. writing. proof checking. design reviews. silent hatred. silent admiration.

thinking. feeling confused. wondering.

fighting with amma. wanting my freedom. what was my freedom?

car crash. being irresponsible.

akshay. so many fights. so much making up. so much growing up. so much love.

calendar 2007. powerpoint presentations. mind racking sorting and scheduling.

new corduroys. fabindia. vashis.

vivek. sankey tank. big bear hugs. new feelings. big fat smile.

food. wan ley. casa's. mainland china. coffee day. corner house. barista. hbh. cake walk.

accomplishment. success. new breath of life. so much learnt. so many new relationships. so many failures. so much to cry about. so much to look up at the sky and smile about. so much to be grateful for. so much to still accomplish.

i came into 2006 as a 21 year old. still in college. no real big dreams. and im leaving it, armed with new experiences, new feelings, new friendships. replete with rejuvenated energy and spirit. pleased in many more ways than one. satisfied and yet still yearning for more. so much more. curious about the future. nervous to take those steps. so much has changed.

its been a satisfying year in a lot of ways. i have so much to count on, depend on, be eternally grateful for. but my list of things still to do is still long and winding. im losing time. new years only reminds me of how another year has gone by.

and before i knew it, another year has passed.

world, slow down. i want to get off.

what became of..

sitting in a coffee house
sipping away brown time
i think of myself and how he's changing
a fallen shooting star

changing seasons
falling expectations
leave me dry
i think of this place and how its changing
please dont leave me by

walking down a memory lane
look up to the sky
tell me your name and
il sing you a love song
look you in the eye

kunals got me in a deep deep funk. from reminiscing old days. from reliving a time in my life that has passed me by completely. 21 minutes and 21 seconds of a trip down "memory lane". i hate how cliche that term is. but thats exactly what "deep ends" has done for me. its dragged me from this fast paced present thats racing into the future, and dragged me back to a time of my life that was shved so far away into the recesses of my mind that it was a refreshing and much needed stap back in time. its a 21:21 minute gentle mix of everything nice. the best of TAAQ-esque styles and yaman..and im almost positive theres a little hamsadhwani in there..mixed with the floyd-esque one-thing-rolls-into-another feel. its left me totally high. fuzzy and like a lump of mush. like i could just break down and cry at the slightest emotional nudge.

kunal is fixated with the number 21. its no surprise the entire albums runs 21 minutes and 21 seconds. whats better, its one long 21:21 minute loop. the album features kunals self composed / writte n songs..and also features some of bangalore's best musicians..bruce, rzhude, sanky, lending their support and talent and genius.

21:21 mins. on repeat. and i can almost feel the words beneath my skin. like they're singing to me. just for me. sometimes music does that. touches you so deeply. makes you feel like you were just meant to hear that song that day that time. sometimes to the point of tears.

there was a time when we'd hang in kunals room. after dinner. over coffee or cashew nuts. or just pepsi. and he'd get high on the green stuff. and strum his guitar. it didnt happen often enough. for various reasons. but when it did, those times, were fun.

and i think of how far we've all come. he's sitting there in vancouver. living a whole new life. deep ends is now available online. here i am, sitting here in my cubby hole. listening to deep ends. and in my mind im travelling backwards in time. how ironic. what became of the good old simple days.. will we ever come a full circle? much like the unending melody on deep ends. from beginning to end. over and over again..

changing seasons
falling expectations
leave me dry
i think of this place and how its changing
please dont leave me by

2007, here i come!

of all the wordy sugary sweet and lovely wishes i got for new years eve, this one totally took the cake:

have a dogs attitude towards all difficulty in 2007. if you cant eat it or screw it, piss on it and move on. happy new year!

31st turned out to be way more fun than i could have hope for. it wasnt spectacular. it wasnt a big deal. it was just right.

i do have a couple of resolutions this year. but how and when i stick by them is a different story altogether. but i am going to try. more importantly, that doggy line really inspired me. so here i am, 1 january 2007, all set to embark on the new year that has hit me totally by surprise. i woke up this morning slightly frantic that in exactly 4 months i will be 23. and that thought scared the shit out of me.

more soon..