doll

i want to be a child. simple. innocent. real. basic. easily pleased. easily happy.

naughty grin. adorable smile. chocolate mousse tummy. bubblegum tongue. that glint in his eyes. that unbelievable sweet smile. that soft wispy hair.

simple in the sunshine. smiling for a camera.

i love this kid.

photo: courtesy niyu.

the weekend that was...

random snippets from the weekend..

so i travelled by bus to a forest reserve in the western ghats.
i stayed in a tent in the middle of the forest.
i couldnt zip the bottom up, so our tent was open to the wild.
i went to a temple.
i realised i still "feel" when i pray.
i got blessed by an elephant.
i climbed uo the kodachadri, which is effectively the highest point in karnataka.
i trekked into the forest to one of the most amazing waterfalls in the middle of the jungle.
it shined with rainbow colours.
i realised iv made some really good friends.
those i can depend on.
those i feel for, more than just the normal average "friendship".
i realised that fun lies in the way you look at things and the spirit with which you approach it.
climbing up the hill with aching legs was actually fun.
i gave the boy who sold buttermilk and lime juice, some money without drinking what he was selling.
i went to someshwar beach.
i realised swimming in shorts and a t-shirt is the pits.
i reaffirmed that im a beach baby at heart.
nothing will ever change that.
i helped build a sandcastle.
i saw the most breathtaking sunset.
the sun was fluorescent pink.
i sat in a mahindra 4 x 4 and had some of the most insane drives of my life.
i had dinner ON a beach.
ON the sand, a few feet away from the waves, under the light of nothing but the stars and the moon.
i gave dummy another lesson in recognising orion, taurus and sirius.
the half moon was really pretty.
i flew back with the entire team.
i stepped into a new me.
i feel renewed, refreshed, enriched.
i have SO many memories to carry back.
i realised i love the outdoors.
i realised i NEED to travel
a lot has changed. and yet, much remains the same.

brugge

i took this picture at bruge, when i visited europe in 2004. it was one of the best trips in all my life. and visiting bruge was one of the most memorable parts of the entire holiday. bruge is by far one of the prettiest, most picturesque and most fairy tale like towns i have ever been to. and memories of walking through the cobbled streets are still etched in my mind.

tabish lived there when i visited in 2004. the reason i fished this image out is, i suddenly remembered tabish today. and when i remembered, i mean a strong intense feeling. we havent talked in months. i dont even know where he lives anymore. he often shuttled between bruge and some part of america.

i think i missed him today. i even called his cell phone. and it rang. and i hung up. i think and email is due. heres to going back on a nostalgic trip to a very very memorable time in my life. something made me want to turn back time. to remember tabish. to suddenly want to call him. to fish out all my pictures. to blog.

i feel strange

my friend, jimmy couldnt have put it better..

people are strange when youre a stranger
faces look ugly when youre alone
women seem wicked when youre unwanted
streets are uneven when youre down
when youre strange
faces come out of the rain
when youre strange
no one remembers your name

yellow is the colour of love

they say yellow is not the colour of love. but hey its the colour of sunshine.

today began with ten sunshiney yellow roses made my day. more than the roses it was the thought. the unbelievable act. the surprise. the relief. the excitement.

thank you, mr sunshine.

happy valentines day

its valentines day. and i read this somewhere:
"forget love, id rather fall in chocolate"

..and i thought to myself, id imagine they'd both feel quite the same. and i think im right. someone i know described love as a warm fudgy gooey sweet feeling. hmm...

happy valentines day all!

tere bina

dum dara dum dara mast mast
dara dum dara dum dara mast mast
dara dum dara dum dum
oh humdum bin tere kya jeena

tere bina beswaadi beswaadi ratiyan oh sajna
ho, rookhi re oh rookhi re
kaatoore kaate re, katenaa

na jaa; chaakri ke maare
na jaa; sawtan pukaare
saawan aayega to puchega; na jaa rey

pheeki pheeki beswaadi yeh ratiyan; kaatore kaate na kate na
ab tere bina sajna sajna; kaate kate na
tere bina chand ka sona khota re

peeli peeli dhool udaave jhoota re; tere bina sona peetal
tere sang keekar peepal; aaja kate na ye ratiyan
tere bina beswaadi beswaadi ratiyan oh sajna

newest obsession. on repeat. didnt realise how nice it was until much after i had watched the movie and some weeks had passed. and one dull and confused evening i wandered into planet m, and heard it play.

and it all made sense. go get it, if you havent already heard it. brilliant song. tere bina. a r rahman's tribute to nusrat fateh ali khan. funny how he went from a not-so-popular, weak "singer" to a rather full-feldged vocalist.

im loving it. whats the point of life at all, without you.

back to reality

every holiday leaves me refreshed and ready to take on the world again. hah, look at me talk like i play superwoman for a living or something. nah, but you know..the routine, the grind, the mundane everyday rut..a break is always refreshing.

ironically, when i do take on the world again, and come back to the grind, it sometimes taks precisely 10 minutes to come crashing back to reality. like today. without exaggeration..TEN MINUTES. i kept telling myself, its all in the mind. but somehow it wasnt enough to pull through today. i cannot help but feel somethings missing. something is not quite right, something is bubbling under..and i dont quite know what it is..cannot quite put my finger on it. and thats making me far more uneasy.

things are weird. and im easily ruffled up. easily dramatic. so often it feels like my world is coming to an end. and most often, after a good cry and a big hug and some talking and some listening things come back to normal..well at least temporarily. the calm before and/or after the storm..whichever way i choose to look at it.

i decided i want to start taking pictures again. bombay was a good start.















there..i feel better already. deceptive as the feeling may be.

gamdevi

im back in bombay. after 7 months or so. it actually feels good.

22 pandita ramabai rd. the building still stands tall. to me its been the same for as long as i can remember. walls get broken, new rooms get added, toilets get renovated, water tanks get added, the kitchen gets a makeover. but within the house nothing changes. the spirit is still the same.

always warm, always hospitable, always open, always accommodating. of the hundreds of people—relatives, visitors, friends, family and everyone else that comes and goes every year. and the spirit is still the same.

the babies have grown. one is all grown up, now the older sibling. he's developed a new love for football and its so fascinating to see how time has passed by. the other is just about talking. waddles around all day, being the centre of everyones attention. with his baby talk and incredibly cute cheeks and chocolate muffin belly.

its back to ammamas home. for me its always been that. my granny's home. bundled up in a million memories, associations, smells, images, feelings and sentiment, all wrapped together. of summer holidays, of growing up, of reading in the blistering afternoon, of sleeping on the floor in ammamas room, of eating home made yummy food, mango pickle, chicken curry, white bathroom, pink bathroom, yellow bathroom, guests, friends, shopping, music, still more music, lots more music..and here i am again. its good to be back.

sigh

i feel the need to dissociate. to pull out and watch from a distance. to recap and make sure im doing the right thing. to make sure im doing the best thing i could be in this time and place. i feel like time is slipping away far too soon for my good. far too many disappointments and realisations over the past few weeks have made the shine fade away. the fun ride is over. and the walk home is unpleasant. and suddenly, unexpectedly i feel lost. like im in the wrong place at the wrong time. like i have made a horrible mistake. like i need to back-track and relook at where this journey has brought me.

i want to cut. stop. and take time out to enjoy the wind in my face. to savour the time rather than be caught up in mundane acts of existence. i want to feel the sunshine. kiss the rain and know that what i did was the right thing to do.

i want to stare into the orange skies and see the pink elephants dance around in a drunken reverie. i want to taste the tangy freshness of a mojito and kick back and bask in the glory of the pleasant comfortable present.

but this is what i feel like: out of control. angry. keyed up. stifled. confused. silent. quietly angry.