ups and downs

theres lots to say. theres so much im feeling. theres things i want to share..get off my chest..air my thoughts. but i dont know where to begin.

monday was fuckall.
tuesday was good fun.
wednesday got even better.

in a completely random order:
i can still get silly.
i can still have my heart feel things i thought id forgotten.
i can still patch up when we fight.
i can still ignore things and learn to forget (or is it forgive?).
i can still wake up if i push myself to do it.
i can still run without getting instantly breathless.
i can still get an endorphin high and keep it going all day.

here's a snapshot of one totally blissed out happy time.

the past few days

this slightly random post is being written in a state of major sleep deprivation.

human beings are a weird bunch. double standards, hypocrisy and fckle mindedness..i guess im just not exposed enough to it. when it occurs right ibefore my eyes, i never know how to react. most often, im dumbfounded and too shocked to say or do the "right" thing in retaliation. and more often than not, its always WAYYY after the incident has occured that i think "damn! why didnt i open my mouth and speak up!" but the moment has gone by then. and soon enough the cycle repeats. human beings are a weird bunch. we do strange things to feel good about ourselves. and we do strange things to convince ourselves that we're in the right, doing the right thing. its very weird. over the last week, iv learnt that people are strange. kind of like jim morrison warned us about. but iv watched, and iv felt things, and iv made mental notes of what it felt like, and hopefully next time round i will say what i need to.

over the last few days iv been constantly thinking about what it is i want out of the next one year. and i just cannot put my finger on it. no surprises. iv never known. in all my life, i havent really had any long-term goals. in a way its strange, and scary. but on the other hand it means at least im still yearning to find out, and every now and then i get restless and cannot rest until i have a temporary pacifying reason. i dont know..sometimes i hate the way my mind works.

on a much more apetizing note: chinese food has made a good and much welcomed entry back into my life. 2 nights in a row now. (as you can see shedding some lbs is so NOT happening just yet)..sigh, oh well. like iv said before, i live to eat, and now im fat. so be it. chinese food is good and more importantly iv had some of the best most fun and interesting times of my life over chinese food. chilli fish is the new favourite.

so the past 2 days have been killer at work. on all fronts. actual work itself, and emotional overload, and some boredom and the lack of sleep. and the constant nagging reminder that i NEED to desperately make time for myself, outside of work. fuck..

anyway, highlight of today: im so glad akshay and i can talk about just about anything. even the possibility that i might have a "crush" on someone. muhahaha.. i love it re! what would i do without you. thanks for all the fun. i had a great evening after all. it really is like warm happy fuzzy things are going to happen and good things will show up and chocolate custard type feeling. and why am i not surprised its a food / chocolate / dessert analogy?! (for those of you that dont understand, fuck it. dont even try.)

baz is singing to me. "understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few, you should hold on." and so i WILL.

dads new toy

so my dad decided he couldnt put up with the truck of a monster of a scorpio anymore. he FINALLY decided he needed something easier, something more driver-friendly and something more sophisticated. much like he is. he lives in style, and wants the best, always.

after much scoping and much deliberation and much thought and many a calculation of prices and mileage and so many different poples opinions on everything, he bought himself a skoda octavia last week. but its the lmk. the station wagon version. just the one i DIDNT want him to get.

oh well..have i mentioned he's also very stubborn? once he sets his mind on something, he has to have it. the good thing is most of the time its a well thought out, much contemplated and calcuated need to set his mind on that particular thing. its always the same, but it wasnt the case with the scorpio. though many wouldnt agree, that was a bad buy. an impulsive buy. and we were stuck with that pile of junk of 2 years.

well the octavia arrived last week, and thanks to crazy schedules and busy evenings and weekends i hadnt so much as sat in it, leave alone taken a ride in it, or driven it myself. finally today, a whole 3 days after its arrival, i got to ride in it.

its a dream. and it has a sun roof! so i felt all kiddy like and stuck my hand out of the sun roof. sigh. im happy for my dad.

adding some adipose

my very being has touched and all new level of inertia. let me specify, INTENSE inertia. i have never felt so bulky and lethargic in all my life. i have never been this big, this uncomfortable and this pathetically frustrated with myself. iv never NOT fit into clothes. iv never been told by my family that im looking "healthy". iv never been worried about the weight iv gained. NEVER.

this is not me! i was an exercise fanatic. i needed my daily dose of endorphins to keep me going. i needed to burn some everyday, to feel the energy to face every new day. i needed to sweat it out and feel refreshed and renewed. i bunked everythign else to make it to gym in time. i was obsessive. i was hyper. i was happy.

now im just slow, heavy, lethargic. a BLOB. and i dont know what the hell to do about it.

its a fucking dangerous place to be. it drags you deep into this abyss of adipose..yes ADIPOSE, its all around..and there you are, in this abyss of adipose..sliding down, with nothing to hold on to, and nothing to pull you out. and nothing by adipose, FAT all around you. bleaarrgggghh..

iv tried watching what i eat (but not really), iv tried waking up early to go for a run (didnt happen past 2 mornings of waking up at the BUTT-CRACK of dawn), iv tried psyching myself into exercising, iv tried leaving nasty reminders on my phone to disgust myself and get me to get moving but i cant. I JUST CANT. im afraid iv fallen into a self-made trap. and im only going down from here on.. its fucking scary!!

its not so much the weight, and the look..its the energy lows. its the mental lows. no endorphins = more unhappiness. therefore i need to invent plan B, to get my now very wide and fat and hideous posterior moving. (considering how all my plan A's failed miserably.)

help! any ideas?

all you visitors who never leave comments..DO IT NOW! leave a comment. help a friend. (ahemmm mr chung.)

hungry. foolish.

too much has happened for me to really put thoughts into words. i wish i could. because sometimes it helps to ease whats on my mind, rather than have to struggle to battle thoughts in my mind. i dont know whats going on, but i feel like its some sort of uneasy, confusing kind of time for me. i wish it would pass.

just found something..a part of something i've been meaning to read. will get to it now.

"your time is limited, so dont waste it living someone elses life. dont be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other peoples thinking. dont let the noise of others opinions drown out your own inner voice. and most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. they somehow already know what you truly want to become. everything else is secondary."

i need to get a grip.

im looking at old college photos and feeling tres nostalgic. i guess the grass IS really always greener on the other side. im suddenly sitting here wishing i was back in college. with endlessly lazy and jobless and directionless days. no responsibilities. not a care in the world. when things worked like clockwork, whether i liked it or not.

fuck. take me back. i want to learn to be hungry and foolish again.

alone

its over. didnt think this day would come. cannot imagine what im going to do now. dont know if i have the strength. all that hope and energy i imagined i had seems to have gone away. he drained it out of me. and now im weak and alone. strangely i dont want anyone or anything. for once, i just want to be me.

what i've learnt today

1: somedays are way better than most other days. after a chain of nerve-wrecking days, ONE day shines through. that one day makes you feel whole again. triumphant. happy. beautiful. that is what makes life worth it.

2: sometimes poeople are full of shit. when you feel like you know someone, its most likely that its a bloody illusion.

3: i have some inkling of a plan of action now. life feels like it has purpose and direction. and i feel happy again.

4: i can survive on my own. when the cheese gets stale, its time to move on to fresh cheese. this is my quest for newer fresher fragrant happy inspiring rejuvenating liberating cheese.

5: i aint happy, im feeling glad. iv got sunshine in a bag. im useless but not for long. the future is coming on.