stones and more

im developing a strong aversion to kids between the age of 15-20 of late. its almost enraging and intolerable. i hate kids who act like they've grown way beyond their years. like they're too smart for the world. like they know it all. like they've been there and done it all and need nothing from anyone.

walked into stones today, only to find my sister and a bunch of her stupid bimbo friends sitting coyly like some know-it-alls, ready to order beers i guess. yes, most places in bangalore dont check under age drinking. which is why kids like my sister and others often find themselves in the oh-so-cool smoky haunts of this stupid fuck all city, downing beers and getting fat. and of course ignoring what they really should be doing. and ignoring the fact that the rest of the world cares and wishes that they learn and do the right things with time..worrying that they find their way, and dont go astray.

i hate kids who think coloured kajal and marijuana makes one look and feel intellectual. i hate them and their hippie attire and shabby, dirty half folded-half torn clothes. i hate kids who are oblivious to what goes on outside their stupid cuccooned lives that consist of one precocious event after another. i hate kids who pretend that by reading neruda and dylan, and pretending to identify with jimi hendrix, they've attained some sort of salvation. which gives them the license to bust money and time and energy in night clubs and bars, all girls, alone in a pub, in one of the most dangerous cities in india. i hate kids. i hate being responsible. because they never learn.

but whatever. i hate kids. they're ungrateful. they're a waste of time. they're not trustworthy. they're wild. they're dangerous. and they hold you responsible in the end. thats the bit i hate. i hate being responsible for kids who think they know it all and dont need you around.

i had a good time though. little irresponsible sibling episodes apart. chilli chicken, beer, fried rice, peanuts and rock thats playing loud enough to kick in, and soft enough for you to hold a conversation and catch up. the ambience is mellow and not smoky and the place is pretty neat, so that was fun. its a great place to chill, wind down and git BZZZZZ'D and laugh uncontrollably. to stand up and shake your bum out of happiness..to just have some fun because you deserve some fun.

but all thats gone now. i also hate men who lie. and i hate having to change weekend plans.

look at this

http://cjcphoto.com/can/

it made me weep. no surprise. because a lot of things seem to have me in tears in absolutely no time, these days. but this was worth the tears. it kind of shook me up. just watched it, half asleep and bleary eyed..and now im just wide awake and thinking.

it made someone else cry. it inspired someone. it was honest.

but it just struck a chord somewhere with me. every now and then something like this comes along that makes me just sit up and think again.

if you're patient and you let the video load, its really worth it.

lost

iv misplaced a really nice pair of jeans. my favourite pair. the kind that i live in. the kind i wear almost every other day. the kind that get soft and fit you like they're meant to. the kind that take your shape and know every fold and crease like it should be known. the kind that fade with use. the kind that you never want to throw away. the kind that i just really love.

and now i cant find them.

its like they just disappeared. out of the blue. into thin air. it just doesnt make sense..where could i have left them but on the back of my chair. they were there one day (or so i think) and now they're now. we've spent the past 2 days turning the house upside down finding them. no luck.

it makes me sad. those jeans were irreplaceable.

hello goodbye

"roller coaster ride" would be an understated way of describing the past week.

sunday was part-wonderful part-miserable. monday was miserable. today was miserable except for work, which is SUCH A BLESSING! and then so many unexpected things happened.

jee's going to have a baby and i cried with joy, for her. i dont know why, but i did..i dont know if i miss that time in my life when we hung out at college all day/all the time..and that this was just a hard-hitting reminder of how much things have changed in such a short while. i mean 6 months ago we were all cramming to finish final exams. and everything now is so distinctly removed from where we were just 4 months ago.

i had dinner with akshay's family, to celebrate his birthday. it was highly entertaining. and i must say, it was a lot more fun that i imagined it would be. more importantly nobodys freaking out over anything.

i worked like a dog for 3 days straight. 12 hours plus pretty much every day of this week. and i enjoyed almost every moment. someone at work called me REVU! and it brought back memories from school.

i went to coco grove with james. its this new "beer cafe" on church street. which is basically slightly fancy furniture, delicately placed on the pavement, beneath a white canopy..and they serve beer and sizzlers and a long list of short eats, none of which met any sort of expectations. but i had a mojito which was brilliant and a few beers which made it even better. and we watched the world go by..and we laughed and we had a good time. at least i did. and it was good to be out having some fun. and i got pretty buzzed..which is ALWAYS fun.

went to college also. its so strange to go back. totally different feelings now that im an outsider. mixed up sentiments and a whole everything's-flooding-me sort of feeling. but i met maddy after what seemed like ages and it was so much fun sitting in what used to be the food court and chatting. its so nice to hear that things have changed and studying there is actually some fun.

i had the 2 most depressing days in a while..apart from everything stated above. and i think i managed to successfully hide it from everyone, except those directly involved / affected. but alls well, back on the road to happiness again. what with the strange things that have happened this week..

been hooked to this song for a large bit of this week..
you say yes
i say no
you say stop and i say go go go
oh no
you say goodbye and i say hello
hello hello i dont know why you say goodbye
i say hello
hello hello i dont know why you say goodbye
i say hello

show me some fun, please

so there are times when i love bangalore city. because its still so green and its still so pretty on a rainy day, or early in the morning, or when im driving down an open road, or when an auto driver is nice to me, or when im not in one of the many hideous malls.

but today wasnt one of those days. today sucked. and i hate bangalore city. i hate that its so sleepy. that its so fucked up with all the traffic and the fucking crowds everywhere. that inox played NO english movies this week. that plaza and galaxy dont exist anymore. that there's absolutely no place to go and sit down without being ripped off, by paying for something you dont really need, just so you can sit down and have some peace by yourself. that the malls have taken over everybodys lives. that we have to go to multiplexes to watch movies. that the streets are such a mess because nobody wants to park straight, drive straight, live straight. i hate it all.

i wasted today. left work dying to catch a movie. but it wasnt meant to be. what i ended up doing was locking myself out of my car, spending some time trying to get back in, and sitting in the food court at garuda wondering why i was there, hating it all the time, sitting in my car in various alleys and street corners of this not so pretty-by-night city..all because theres simply nothing to do here.

i hate that just wanting to watch a movie is such a fucking ordeal these days. i remember the old days. when we'd decide as a family, that we wanted to watch a movie one evening. we'd eat an early dinner, drive down to the theatre and buy tickets..the stupid MULTIplexes, with their 4 and 5 and 6 screens dont do squat. theres never anything worth watching. what with an all-regional movie list this week.

i miss paying under 80 bucks for a ticket and 5 rupees for a packet of popcorn and 10 rupees for "fountain pepsi". and i miss it all. i hate inox. its such a sham. and im such a slave..simply because i dont have options. its that, or no movies.

so im bleah. i wish someone would show me a good time and pamper the living daylights out of me. im in the mood to sit back, be entertained and have some fun.

i cant sleep..

..so i thought i'd catch up.

the reason iv gotten irregular with blogging is, im barely online anymore. iv been consumed with life outside home. work and after-work. thats just 2 things. but it pretty much sums up every single day of the past many weeks of my life. its a vicious cycle. i work late, so i stay out late to catch up on the fun, so i get home later, sleep later, wake up later, go straight to work..all this with NO time for ANYthing else in between. its weirdly mad and weirdly enjoyable. because for once in my life im satisfied doing what i am, being who i am and loving every living minute of it..well almost.

i say almost because life's not all fair. it just isnt, so there are the moment you wish never happened. like the time i mistook the ad dimensions to be 12 x 25 instead of 12 x 20, and fucked up the art work deadline. or like the time i was stuck in cochin, way over the time i was hoping to be back in bangalore. or the time i had to get out of the car and mark the end of the loveliest weekend getaway in a long long time. and then some..

but the exciting bits that never got mentioned here include the bonus i got last month and bought my family gifts with..weekend trips to chennai and cochin!! and lots of highway driving. and lots of exciting work. i flew to cochin. i talked to a complete stranger. i loafed around cochin, ate some amazing food. and lots of other details that cannot be mentioned here..

so we hope life goes on this way. promise of joy joy and more joy.

on a different trip— acupuncture: its a jab well done!

just a thought

santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

crazy red friday

last week at this time. post a lot of vodka and orange juice. fun and games. butter chicken. fun. painting the cafeteria red. impulsive, wacko, good fun.

helpless

i had a moment yesterday. an overwhelming, over-powering, debilitating and crush-you-under-its-might sort of feeling. i felt like it had ripped my insides apart. like i was a nothing in the face of what i was feeling. and then i cried.

a moment of helplessness. a moment of tremendous injustice. a moment of humility. a moment of futility. a moment of empathy. a moment of complete insignificance. a moment of rage. a moment of understanding. a moment of feeling sick of everything. a moment of disgust. all wrapped into one.

but most of all it was a moment of truth. a sudden consuming feeling of realising that nothing really is a pretty picture. that things arent as rosy for the whole world, as they may be for me. that i have it way too easy in life. that i have everything i could ever have wanted. that the little boy who travels over 10 km after school, from the outskirts of bangalore to nehru circle, to sell 50-100 rupees worth of laddus, to support his family; probably knows what life really is. that im just so goddamn protected in this little bubble of comfort. that i will never really break that bubble on my own. that i will forever an alien to the larger section of our people, who live lives of struggle.

and then i wonder, is the world really a happy place to be? when the boy answered, "i go to school all day, and come here in the evenings to sell", with the biggest brightest smile i had seen all day, i had my answer.

of course, what am i trying to achieve by sharing this through this pseudo-intellectual, niche medium of expression? i dont know. im just trying to put a finger on what i felt. utterly helpless.