absence..

..makes the heart grow fonder.

and i find that familiar associations close the gap.
im in a happier place today -- thanks to a whole cd of mp3s of ajjus self-composed compositions.

the legend passes on. and leaves us all behind.

iv never experienced someones passing on up close. the finality, the cold hard truth, the irreversible nature and the impossible-to-digest stillness of it all is still hard for me to accept.

and thats perhaps why im still so shaken up. i cant seem to get myself to normalize.

i know ajju is in a better place today -- more peaceful, more alive, more beautiful. but my attachment continues. i cannot sever it and move on. i can simply celebrate his genius, remember the times we've shared. the antics. the fun. the laughter. the music. the legend that he was. and surround myself in the glow of his love. and that for one, can never die.

random letters (things i should say out loud, but dont)

jv: why must you be so loud? sometimes, it displays your lack of brains. perhaps you should consider speaking softly, so that your lack of brains becomes less apparent.

half of my heart

currently, im only operating on half of my heart.

the other half wishes to break free.
explode.
tell everyone here what i truly feel about them, their processes, their work, and this whole shagadelic mess of a joint they're running here.
walk away, and never turn around.
and move on to sandy beaches and sunny pastures.

im so filled with anger and hatred for this place, it amazes me how soon one can have a change of heart, and actually how little it takes to make that happen.

this morning my fb status says: working for an ungrateful MNC is a bit like being a condom. you get used. and thrown.

people think im giving this too much thought and importance. but perhaps this is the best way to have it out. at least im less angry than i was on monday, and yesterday. il save the rest for my exit interview.

this is todays repeat..

im on a john mayer OD. help me.

love-hate

its been a tough few weeks. quitting a job that i love hasnt gone down easy. while i did with an outwardly calmness, i think deep down it makes me very sad. i have grown very attached to what i do. because for the first time in my life i have really loved every moment of it. by 'it' i mean what i DO. and let that not be mistaken with the place i work in, or the people i work with.

its a fine line to draw..between your work place, all its attributes, and the actual object of your time and energy. and to me the two are so inter-twined, and yet so detached.

to put it simply, i LOVE what i do, and i HATE the place and its people. so while half of me is so glad to be out of this dump, the other half is so sad to let go of the one year that has given me so much work-wise. its been so awesome that iv carved out an indispensable niche for myself. most of the time indispensable = important. but at gss, iv learnt that indispensable just means that youre needed for the services you render. and nothing else. beyond that you're insignificant. not important. and most of all, not cared for.

i always knew there was a downside to being emotionally attached to your work.

its a bittersweet symphony, this life.
ho hum sigh.

looking back, over my shoulder..at 2009

2009 was a wonderful year. in many ways. what i remember most distinctly about it, is the speed at which it passed me by. i always wake up in december feeling like the year has whizzed by, but 2009 was different. it didnt merely whizz by, it zipped by at lightning speeds.

of all the things the past year brought, the most memorable has been all the travel. 2009 was filled with travel, quite true to my resolution of seeing lots of new places.

2009 was the year with the maximum number of long weekends! this had a lot to do with the amount of travelling i managed to squeeze in. 2009 was also a year of acceptance. of certain inalienable truths. it was about letting go, letting be and accepting things the way they are, with less irritation, less agitation. and its true, with acceptance comes peace and happiness.

in 2009 a lot of people my age, whom i know got hitched! it was a year of marriage! i have fond distinct memories of 2009. it is a year i will remember for a long long time to come, because it was distinct. and will not fade into the archives of my mind into the blur of the many years gone by. its funny how time flies..

im going to run through the most distinctive memories i have of the year that was..

january: mrinalini got married in chennai. it was the first time i witnessed a church wedding from up close. it was also the month i started a new job. a definitive shift from advertising/copywriting to corporate communications. this later turned out to be a job i realized i loved coming back to day after day. in january vc and i went to pondicherry and auroville and stayed
with lisa. amma broke her leg in january and it was a stressful few days.

february: i ran away to delhi to be with ak, pa and vc on an impromptu trip. i ended up going to agra and seeing the taj mahal for the first time in my life. and thats a trip i will always remember. february was the month that showed me the ugly side of corporate games. and that was just the start...but i didnt know that then! hehehe..

march: the only memorable thing i can remember about march is that vc and i went to mysore, via ranganthittu. of all the trips we've made there, this was the first time we planned a totally touristy trip, and it was such fun! we visited all the top cliche spots and got some fantastic pictures of the mysore palace at dusk, which i still consider some of the best photography iv done. in march vc was told he'd be going to south africa for 2 whole months to be pumas india rep for the ipl. good break for him, disastrous for me, and i spent a good many days and nights sulking about it..i hate long distance anything.

april: in april i lived a bachelorette life. a lot of it had to do with trying to keep myself as busy and happy as i possible could, in the absence of vc. i figured that id might as well use the time to do things i wouldnt otherwise do, than sit and think about how much i missed him. so i partied hard, visited lots of new eating places, worked hard and late and spent time at home. april is also the month i stopped talking to james..AGAIN.

may: in may, i turned 25. i have the worst birthday eve of my life, but the best birthday to make up for it. it sucked to celebrate without vc, but the girlies made it a memorable birthday. gifts i received included clothes, jewelry, a watch and money! in may, i made a historic trip to goa with niyu, priya and nikhil, and it was one of the best trips of my life. soon after i went across the seas to join vc in south africa. i spent 8 days in fully paid for luxury, watching cricket and seeing beauuutiful cape town, amongst other cities. needless to say, it was weird but so good to see vc after a gap of 6 weeks!

june: in june i worked on an av for the first time in my life. Right from scratch..scripting, filming, post production and screening..and when it was well appreciated, it felt good. working hard had never felt better and im glad i could experience true satisfaction at a job well done, because its something i hadnt felt in a long time. june was the month of another major milestone in our lives. we bought a car!

july: july was a rainy month from what i remember, and i dont think there was anything very significant to report.

august: in august we took our car on its first long drive out, a few days after we crossed the 1000 km run-in period. we visited coonoor up in the clouds, with preethi and anand. and that too was an alcohol ridden, heater driven, trip to remember. on this trip, i learnt how to play poker and won! in august i suddenly discovered a love for baking i didnt know i had in me. vc and i started a blog and baked 4 weekends in a row and catalogues it with pictures. unfortunately it died a slow death when more important and time consuming things like work came in the way..

september: in september we completed 1 year of being married! and i was running out of surprises to give vc. so in an attempt to do something he'd LEAST expect of me, i bunked a day of work, fooled him and cooked him an entire meal. i lugged all my exotic ware to priyas flat, decorated it and waited there. then i created a fake emergency and made him come up there, where i opened to the door to him with annicersary wishes. his jaw dropped. literally. The evening featured white wine, greek salad, mixed nuts, garlic bread, pasta and a hersheys really chocolate chocolate cake! it was memorable.

october: in october, vc and i added yet another new place to our holiday list for the year. we visited chikmagalur on an impromptu trip. we went there without even making bookings. big mistake..because we wasted a whole day finding a place to stay and that kind of ruined our whole opinion of the trip and the place. finally we settled for a half shady, half shitty 'log hut' acco. the next day i climbed up the highest mountain in south india. by car.

november: the wedding season had kicked in. november was filled with wedding shopping and preparation. i indulged in 2 yummy pairs of sandals and we went to delhi and chandigarh where tarun and jassi got married. i couldnt stay for the gurudwara wedding, which i really wanted to experience, but my first punju wedding was fun to watch. in delhi we enjoyed ourselves with ak and pa. november was the month when james suddenly decided to start talking to me again. im glad he did.

december: is the month when everything changed. well almost everything. we played secret santa at work and that was so memorable and eventful. in december vishwa got married in bangalore. in december vc interviewed for a job in goa! funnily enough, he got it and we decided to move cities! in december we also visited cold cold delhi with niyu for ak and pa's wedding. it was such a blast! even though most pictures feature us in 3-4 layers of clothing! new years eve was drunken revelry!

january 2010: here i am planning a move to a city where i dont know anyone, wont have a job and will have a home to set up, manage and keep cosy. its exciting and scary all at once. im sad that i had to quit my job at a time when i was so enjoying it, but the sacrifice was worth it. goa represents something we imagined we'd do someday; move out of the house, leave the city, change jobs, set up a home, have a life that gives us the time to explore so many other things.

2010, here i come.

stuckity

its 6:33 p.m. a whole 1 hour and 33 minutes past my supposed swipe-out time.

i have some crazy, scary, difficult to meet deadlines looming over my head.

i thought id stay on and work a little later than usual.

i always have music to keep me going. today its this clawing atif aslam song and i just cant get myself to stop listenign to it.

i used to like this song when i first heard it. but its also one of those ultra cheesy, whiney (like every other songs by the man!), lovey dovey song. and lets not forget the fact that its interspersed with cheesy english lyrics every now and then. WHY o WHY do lyricists do that?

isnt hindi a perfectly good language through which one can proclaim ones undying love for someone one cant have for cisrumstancial reasons?

why must cheesy b-grade english lyrics be used to pain a painfully loving scene?

ugh.

but its clawingly sugary melancholicly sweet and is STUCK and i mean REALLY STUCK to me today. its been on repeat for a while, and i cant seem to get it to stop.

 

come and feeeeeeel me, ohhh feeeeeel me..

ugh.

ak weds pa

we just returned from the biggest, maddest and fattest punjabi-meets-malyalee wedding i have ever experienced.

its safe to say this was a once in a lifetime experience for me, because i dont think il ever see another of its kind!

cheers to arjun and praerna. this one goes out to you guys, with lots of love hugs happiness and warmth!

mcp

i dont have an issue with men at large. just with the chauvenistic piggy kind.
and i have quite a few in my immediate vicinity.