happYness

individually, they're the two happiest people i've met in recent times. and i mean truly happy. to the point of smiling till you just cant smile anymore. like they just wont settle for anything short of happy. nothing is worth frowning about, sulking about, being disappointed over or even just depressed and dejected. and i dont know who the genius who took this picture is. because it captures a whole lot of happiness.

nothing can bring their individual spirits or happiness down. dummy just wont take no for an answer. happy is the only way to be. thats his totally blissed out, happy to be in the sunshine "HEE" grin. and andy is all smiles always. even through the darkest most horrible time of his life. i've never seen happy like i have in dummy and andy. its a joy just noticing it. he lives up to his name.

its almost inspiring. i have tremendous respect for people who can be happy through everything. thank you for showing me that its possible.

a laughing face doesnt signify the absence of sorrow. it signifies the ability to deal with it.

mindspace

theres joy in being in the zone.

theres joy in being in the space where the words flow. where every little nuance gives you satisfaction. and embellishments are purposeful.

theres joy in beating words down till they say exactly what you want them to. crisply and directly. with just the right amount of drama.

theres beauty in what comes out of words that have been laboured over. with attention to every little detail.

theres beauty in accomplishing what you have, to the best you possibly could. when you've given of yourself wholly.

theres pleasure in being in that luxurious space where everything else ceases to exist. and all you see are the words at hand.

theres pleasure in mindspace.

baldness

sometimes the work i do involves an image search. stock image sourcing is no fun. especially when you have to make thorough lists and schedules and guides and key words to search by and then embark on the search which is almost always like looking for a white hair in a bag of cotton.

there's this one job we're working on which has left me feeling like im going around in circles chasing myself and without a clue where the end or the beginning is.

it involves stock image searching.

but there's this one creature i have discovered, who haunts me everytime i embark on a search. it makes stock image sourcing fun!

this is proof there somewhere a hot man does exist. and somewhere i am still a baby, hopelessly batty over stuff like this. dreamy man out of fiction.



this is proof that i am now totally into bald men. i almost want to go on a search to find him.
sigh.. sigghhh. sighhhhhhh..

hope

we sat in the inch. yellow-ey, pleasant, chic, and very soothing place it is. for the first time in days i felt calm. at peace and at ease with myself. and the thoughts going through my head. i didnt feel like my thoughts were out-running me. like i couldnt catch up. like i couldnt hold on or keep track. like i was scattered and splattered all over the floor, trying to pick myself up and gather myself.

i've learned...
i cannot always control the way i feel
i cannot control the way somebody else feels
sometimes hurt and pain is unintentional but inevitable
i cannot love someone for what i want him to be, as much as i love him for what he is

funnily, after all we've been through, the hope still remains. only without the anxious holding on. i feel free. liberated and calm.

"i guess im a dreamer, my heart is gold
i had to run away high so i wouldnt come home low
just when things went right didnt mean they were always wrong
just take this song and you'll never feel left all alone
take me to your heart feel me in your bones
just one more night and im coming off this long and winding road
im on my way im on my way
home sweet home"

free fall

i wanna free fall out into nothing
i wanna leave this world for while

things have been very fucked today. in every way possible. you name it, and it went wrong. and then it slid downhill some more and hit rock bottom and kept going. is that even possible? sure felt like it.

push me.

memory

just realise this is also post #150. whee.

i just had a 3 way msn conversation with niyu and priya. and it brought tons of memories back to mind. i just suddenly realised how much i miss the both of them. more so because niyu's not here too. and i couldnt believe i was saying the words "come back soon you both!"

memories..
of priya's first day at our home. we went to silver wok for dinner. just the girls.
insane sunaad rehearsals.
mad mad mad laughter almost every night.
movie watching nights.
our cook-a-thons. invariably niyu would take charge. priya would help and id grate some cheese or some such dumb thing.
dinner at queens. and the very "eventful" night that followed.
hanging out with kundi at his barsati.
crazy drives back from nights out, rehearsals, movies..mannnnn i miss those days.
watching sex and the city!!
all the yummm food priya would have sent down from back home.
going to aerobics together and bitching about the aunties.
boy talk and advice.
music lessons and riyaaz sessions.
bhaavyatra, raagkatha and b 2 b!!
going sari shopping and undie shopping!
decorating priyas new home!
helping niyu study biology, then english and then word processing!
all the letters we exchanged when you went away the first time.
how excited we were to have you back again.
theres just too many memories. my mind is flooded and overflowing.



and i cant help but feel that was such a happy time in my life. it was like having another sister, priya was more than family. she was one of us. just thinking about that time in my life makes me miss it. i miss how carefree and easy and simple everything used to be. and we got along just so easily.

i think a single lone tear just rolled down my cheek. i miss you guys. come back quick.

butterfly

after so many years of holding on, and being in control and being responsible for two..im now all out of all the energy i have. i feel sapped and totally drained. im all out of love, all out of understanding, all out of hope, all out of resilience and consideration, im all out of compassion, im all out of sympathy.

i want to be in YOUR place, just for once. i want to be the centre of your mind and your thoughts and your very being, just for a change.

and all at the same time, im angry. im hurt and angry that im hurt. im angry that you could make me feel this way, even as i believe im doing the best i possibly can.

im afraid to let go, because i know that if i will, you'll never take that first step by yourself. but maybe thats a little presumptuous of me.

maybe i will let go. maybe i should.
you told me once: if you love something, set it free.
and so i am now. fly.

IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
are losing theirs and blaming it on you
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
but make allowance for their doubting too
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting
Or being lied about, dont deal in lies
Or being hated, don't give way to hating
And yet don't look too good or talk too wise
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
and treat those two imposters just the same
If you can bear to hear the truth you have spoken
twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools
Or watch the things you've given your life to, broken
and stop to build them up with worn-out tools
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
and risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss
And lose and start again at your begginings
and never breathe a word about your loss
If you can force your heart, nerve and sinew
to serve your turn long after they are gone
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
except the will that says "Hold On!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch
If neither foes nor friends can hurt you
If all men count with you, but none too much
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
with sixty seconds worth of distance run
Yours is the earth and everything that's in it
And which is more, you'll be a MAN my son!

~ Rudyard Kipling

dont quite know why im posting now. maybe its because i cant sleep. abe its because james sent me this poem last week and it realy cheered me up and made sense and made me smile. maybe its because i need some gyaan and theres nobody to give it to me. maybe because this just makes perfect sese for some reasons just now..

also, HAPPYPAPPY ANNNNIVERSARY amma and anna!

55 fiction

she opened her arms out and felt the openness envelop her. she sucked in the warm, salty air. she felt the breeze tangle her wild hair. she dug her toes deeper into the sand. she felt the spray lace her face and tingle. the sea smelt warm and inviting. she smiled. it felt like home.

hurt

there are two kinds of people that exist in the world..
those who hurt others.
and those who hurt themselves.

teardrop

teardrop on the fire
feathers on my breath

the song is called teardrop. the band, massive attack.

loneliness creeps like a dark stranger.
and the tears just wont stop.

miles between us

everyday, i walk around like nothings going on. when actually every sight, every sign, every little detail that has anything to do with you makes my stomach go up and down.

and still i go around pretending. it doesnt feel right, but then again i dont know whats right anymore. and for once in my life, im trying not to let it get in the way.

we're sitting across the table..and i still feel like we're miles apart.
so close, and still miles apart.
so close, you're so far away from me.

haathi.me

this haathi blessed me at the mookambika temple.

i havent been to a temple in a LONG, LONG, LONG time.

and for some reason at the mookambika temple something made me want to contribute to the haathi fund.
and when i placed the money in his slimey trunk, he promptly swayed around a little and thwumped me on the head with his trunk.

with a smile on his face and looked at me with those big bright, deep eyes.

and i was so kicked.

jump

i wanna tear down the walls that hold me inside.

i wanna reach out, and touch the flame..

where the streets have no name.