thinking aloud

I am: living in the moment. and happy to be where i am in life.; blissfully in love; awaiting the future excited and worried at the same time

I think: about how time tends to pass slowly when you really need it to go by fast, and how it zips along when you want it to go slow. all, when its actually going at the same speed throughout.

I know: that someday im going to have to quench this thirst to travel and see places iv been dreaming of for a long, long time.

I want: to be on a beach, with soft white sand and clear blue sea, beneath a bright orange umbrella, basking in the glory of happiness and sunshine.

I have: everything i could have imagiend for myself; a strong will to live life to the fullest; a serious fear of the dark.

I wish: it were easier to sustain the happiness, forget the unhappiness, and everyone had equal amounts of everything they needed.

I hate: smoking, cynicism, two-faced-ness, the constant 3-day drizzle that we occassionally face, garbage trucks, milk.

I miss: the years between age 16 - 18, college days, the freedom to do what i wanted along with the security of still being a child who'll always have a safe home to come back to.

I fear: fear itself, losing people i love, loneliness, never being able to travel

I feel: lazy, at the moment. and i feel the lack of a certain someones presence.

I hear: the tv in the next room and the sound of the keys on my laptop.

I smell: the amazing smell of wet paint and freshly polished wood. and its making me seriously high.

I crave: to be on a deck chair, on a beach, staring out into a beautiful sunset.

I search: for ways to be at peace with myself and everything around me, for the perfect saree blouse design.

I wonder: how long it will be before i can pack up, leave, travel, see the world, and not feel poor at the end of it.

I regret: soemthings, sometimes.

I love: like iv never loved before, the sea, elephants, my family, vivek, photography, music, the rain, weekends, the smell of mens cologne lingering in the elevator, flowers, yellow roses, photographs on india, watching babies from a distance, writing what i feel, talking, eating just about anything, the gym and the endorphin rush, where life has brought me.

I ache: to own a new lens.

I care: for those i love.

I am not: an average chicita, a good cook, good at business.

I believe: theres more to life than to get married and have babies, goodness in everyone except auto drivers, what goes around comes around, someday i WILL travel far and wide, for no real reason but to soak up the world.

I dance: only when im out clubbing, and only when nobody is looking.

I sing: only when im not forced to, and only when im not shy.

I cry: when i miss, when i love, when im happy, when im PMSing.

I don’t always: enjoy "hanging around", feel my best.

I fight: a lot, off late; more than id like to; when i feel threatened, or like something i hold dear is threatened or challenged.

I write: for a living; when i have so much to say, and nobody to say it to; when i want to express something beautifully; when i have an idea that needs to come out.

I win: when i put my mind to it.

I lose: when im not paying attention, when im lazy, when i want to let someone else win.

I never: want to be old and alone.

I always: want to be on a beach; try and look on the bright side; want to understand and be understood; talk it out; send my love into the future.

I confuse: vivek.

I listen: to aything thats remotely nice.

I can usually be found: dreaming, in my room, on my bed, with my laptop on my tummy. or in the gym. or with vivek. or watching a movie. or eating out. or being with my family.

I am scared: of the dark; of losing people i love; of losing a moment that will never come back.

I need: to be loved; to believe in myself some more; to see the world some day.

I am happy about: everything, at the moment.

I imagine: what life would be like if i hadnt had the childhood and upbringing that i had; what it would be like to be a boy; how it must feel like to be able to teleport yourself into any time and place.

here and now

all through my life, ive been the sort of person that organises, plans, coordinates and controls everything i do. yes control, is the operative word there. i like to think i have control over what i do, what happens to me, and where my life is headed. from little meticulous to-do lists, to a carefully cleaned out and organised cupboard, iv been a stickler for planning things and doing them in a way that gives me great pleasure when iv ticked those things off my list.

im still organised, but somethings changed. iv slowed down, and chilled out. i dont get so hassled over things that dont turn out the way i might have imagined, or planned or meant for them to pan out..i give into a fatalistic approach far more easily than i used to, and i have learnt to live more in the now than brood over the past or stress over the future. i wont say im perfect, but im miles ahead of where i used to be. and i must confess, life is happier and slower when you learn not to try and stay in control.

i guess its because ive learnt that so little really is in my control. with things that happen, the turns in life, events, moments, changes..none of these really come with prior warning, or after having consulted with you. most often life doesnt fit into a to-do list or a colour coded way of life. life isnt always about ticking things off a laundry list and thats something iv learnt recently.

i cant say i succeed everytime, but im getting there. iv learned to try and live for the moment, to think about the here and the now, and to savour every bit of the present, because you never really get a second chance. and who knows whats coming my way, with every passing moment.

STOP.

i want to practice not needing. i want to start being independent. i want to stop caring. i want to be my own person.

things seem so much simpler for those who dont care.

me vs. me

its funny how sometimes things happen that make me feel like im so goddamn different from everyone i know, even the people im closest to. when that one thing that makes me who i am, stands out in my face, so distinctly differentiating me from everyone around me.

especially when im at a time in my life, moving from one stage into the next, one set-up into another, one family to another, one life to another, one mind set to another..things suddenly become alarmingly stark and visible. iv seen myself gets defensive and easily challanged. my thoughts, beliefs, style, ideals, attitudes are suddenly things that i hold on to dearly. almost fiercely. because its what makes me, me. and when it seems like theyre being questioned, or mildly threatened, everything suddenly becomes so overtly real and in-your-face. things i have taken for granted, overlooked and barely noticed about myself, im not suddenly paying attention to, realising and feeling a close connection to.

its an iteresting time in my life. a trying time. of holding my own, versus letting it all go to be something im really not.