im in love

my newest obsession.
make that OBSESSION.

im in love again. i like the near-bald sort. i like the grubby stubble. i like the black clothes. i love the song.

im feeling cheesy teeny-bopper. im actually in love with squeaky JT!

across the sea...

next monday i will fly across to a small, but rather dangerous island they call sri lanka.
im slightly apprehensive. for many reasons. other than the unrest around there.
but imagine...
no cell phone.
no internet.
no telephone.
no work.
no routine.
8 days of complete disconnect.
and 8 days of sun sand and sea. maybe some rain.
maybe its what i need.
break.
maybe coming back will be like coming back to life. maybe maybe.
im excited. most of all, because im going to the sea. theres something very soothing and calming and peaceful about the endlessness of the sea.
and i need it now.

20 q's with myself

1. Pick out a scar you have, and explain how you got it.
weird thing on my right shin. got it from breaking my leg when i was 6. i could swear on myself it sill feels tingly and sensitive when someone touches it.

2. What is on the walls in your room?
one wall is a big black wall that we can scribble on with chalk. one wall has a medley of random stuff. a charlie chaplin poster, john abraham pictures, the dalai lama, pictures my baby cousins drew.

3. Whats your phone like?
its cool. black and steel. chunky and very bright. i love it.

4. What music do you listen to?
just about anyfuckingthing. from led zeppelin to hindi music to fergie and justin timberlake and indian music. right now its what goes around comes around. and i love it.

5. What is your current desktop picture?
nothing. its black.

6. What do you want more than anything right now?
peace of mind and understanding.

7. Do you believe in gay marriage?
yeah i guess. people in love should be together. for life. if they so wish.

8. What time were you born?
shucks, i cant remember.

9. Are your parents still together?
very much.

10. What are you listening to?
JT baby. what goes around comes around.

11. Do you get scared of the dark?
yes. an awful lot, lately.

12. The last person to make you cry?
i do believe it was myself.

13. What is your favorite perfume/cologne?
CK eternity for men. dior-addict. axe-voodoo.

14. What kind of hair/eye colour do you like on the opposite sex?
brown eyes. black hair.

15. Do you like pain killers?
like?? no. but sometimes i cant do without them.

16. Are you too shy to ask someone out?
yes.

17. Favorite pizza topping?
chicken tikka. pepperoni. cheese. herbs.

18. If you could eat anything right now, what would it be?
more mango.

19. Who was the last person you made mad?
vivek. i think.

20. Is anyone in love with you?
im not sure anymore.

post 180 :D

scattered pieces. broken lines.

its been a strange day.
i woke up at ten. i was out of the house in less than 40 minutes.
i washed my hair at the parlour. it was sweet. and smelt awesome.
dummy wore a kurta again.
we took pictures.
i lunched at vanita auntys.
its been ages since i hung out with family. even my own.
there were babies.
i havent met shreesh and wife and kids in something like 4 years.
families are happy.
i was stuffed.
tons of yumm lunch. bisi bele bath (yes, bath :D), mentya tambli, sandige, raita, saaru, payasa and chocolate. like i said, stuffed.
met with james in the evening.
koshy's. super strong coffee. passive smoking. bombay toast. with lime. sweet.
hits the happy spot. spot on.
lots of laughter. mad laughter.
james should be an actor.
psychadelic wall papers. bluetooth transfers.
niyu took pictures for her portfolio.
more laughter.
weird mood swing. confused.
the rain came down. so bad.
we couldnt walk to cotton world. so we laughed some more. and took the car.
dumbasses rule bangalore's roads. took us close to 15 (maybe more) minutes to get from st marks to barton centre.
cotton world is closed on sunday.
HAHA.
what goes around comes around. sub woofer. orgasmic sound.
james i love your car :)
more photo sessions at home.
feet, toes, half faces. light and shadow. sepia and vivid tones.
mangoes and hot chocolate for dinner.
TV so sucks on a sunday evening.
strange bliss from numbness.
should i meditate? i need to slow down.

sometimes when you ignore the present, it goes away. temporarily.
only temporarily.

round in circles

fighting a losing battle all alone.

going round in circles.

no solutions.

nothing makes sense anymore.

everythings torn.

what used to be, isnt anymore.

what lies ahead is blurry.

the pain doesnt go away.

something makes me go back again and again.

and the hurt hurts and haunts me over and over again.

its like i should've learnt my lesson already but i havent.

"and i dont want the world to see me,
cos i dont think that they'd understand.
when everything's meant to be broken,
i just want you to know who i am."

no sense?

i need a clean slate.
a fresh start.
from ground zero.
a new day, new life.

someone just told me:
dont take care of yourself
just go with the flow
at some point you'll wake up an smell the coffee...

maybe i should try that.

and if this makes no sense, dont try to understand it.
il be back when things are clearer and i can understand me.

completely??

love deeply and passionately. you might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TFU

TFU.

if you're checking the link, read option 2.

i know now what you meant when you posted "TFU". i feel it too.

things stop making sense.
things spiral out of control.
and all i can do is stand and watch.
everything is a mess.

its a miracle

its a miracle. jee had a baby boy. 2 days after my birthday. and its all too surreal and overwhelming to digest. time has changed so much so soon. jee and shan now have a family. it stands for hope and for love. and i was very emotional. though i tried hard not to show it.

akshay held jeeshaan (heehehe) junior and i saw a side of him iv never seen before. all in all it was one emotional rollercoaster ride that 30 minutes or so, that we spent in that insipid hospital room. my mind was all over the place. a tumult of emotions.

im overly happy for jee and shan. and im sure baby jeeshan will be a doll.. im sure he'll have jee's super curly hair and he'll have shans eyes. he already had a very prominent jee nose. he has perfectly formed long slender fingers and perfect nails. he has a head full of hair and he smelt sweet like olive oil. his skin was smooth like nothing iv felt before. he didnt open his eyes the whole time. he did smile in his sleep and i saw the two most perfectly formed and cute dimples. one on either side. and i secretly hope they do name him ayaan.

let it be

“Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.”