me. today. NOW.

theres things iv realised about myself and situations iv been in. some things i already knew. somethings i discovered anew. somethings we reinforced. somethings make me happy. somethings make me devastatingly sad.

im incredibly moody these days. i think it has something to do with having a tumultous mixture of shitloads of up and down emotions. all too much for you to make complete sense of. i can be giggling with inexplicable heady happiness and in hardly any time at all im down in the dumps, moping around over spilt milk, curd gone sour, fungus on a sandwich that got left outside overnight. sometimes i wonder if any of it is real.

its really easy to be happy when i put my mind to it. but its really hard to snap out of a funk, when im really unhappy.

hurt doesnt go away easy. it haunts me. and along with the hurt are memories, which is like the flipside. hurt and memories go together. i guess thats why the hurt hurts that much more, and the memories are that much more special. will i ever be completely free? sometimes i wake up in the midle of the night, thinking random things from the past. happy memories make me smile when im half asleep. when its a sentimental, nostalgic memory i sometimes cry. the next day, it feels worse. but pretty soon it goes away.

what i crave the most is to feel secure. when i dont feel it, i get terribly uneasy. i mean security of all kinds. secure that the day will be smooth. secure that lunch will be good. secure that i wont get in a tiff with anyone. secure that my work will be accepted. secure that my parents are not secretly upset about something. secure that those i care about know that i do, even when im too busy not showing it. secure that the next few months will go oky after all. secure that things will work out. secure that that unknown future, whatever it may be, will be alright.

i dont have too many friends i can close my eyes and know i can depend on. and the only people that come to mind, are slipping away.

i realise that its unfair to be in a confused state of mind and drag others into it. this is probably the most confusing and weird time of my life. weird as it may seem. because in a lot of ways it is the best time of my life. with independence and age and responsibility comes a lot of thinking and unnecessary tension. it takes a while getting used to it.

iv become incredibly restless. when i quit and sit at home, its going to be pretty darned tough to get my life back to what it used to be. and make it have some semblance of a respectable and productive routine. god help me.

what i am, is a product of what i make myself be through the times iv been through. weird as that may sound. think about it. its probably true for you as well.

im now close to being a cola addict. funny how i didnt much fancy the stuff when nobody cacred what went into it. now that its a confirmed pesticide and toilet cleaner and proven to be oh so fucking unhealthy, i crave it everyday.

i miss the happy times. and by happy i mean the days of summer holidays and vela time and the uncertainty of what lay ahead.

i miss youth. i want the future to open out its arms and engulf me. i need a new time and space.