dead

its all over. and all i have left is hurt and disappointment. funnily, not so much sadness. maybe thats because i havent had the time to sit and think about it and let it sink in. so all i have is the disappointment. disappointment because i think we deserved better. i think i expected better. i thought it would be different.

maybe that was the problem. maybe what i imagined never was. and never will be. and i was just deluding myself all along. because if it was what i thought it was, then it would show by now.

half of me died today.
and the other half cant move on.

zoo

when wevu met haathi..

me. today. NOW.

theres things iv realised about myself and situations iv been in. some things i already knew. somethings i discovered anew. somethings we reinforced. somethings make me happy. somethings make me devastatingly sad.

im incredibly moody these days. i think it has something to do with having a tumultous mixture of shitloads of up and down emotions. all too much for you to make complete sense of. i can be giggling with inexplicable heady happiness and in hardly any time at all im down in the dumps, moping around over spilt milk, curd gone sour, fungus on a sandwich that got left outside overnight. sometimes i wonder if any of it is real.

its really easy to be happy when i put my mind to it. but its really hard to snap out of a funk, when im really unhappy.

hurt doesnt go away easy. it haunts me. and along with the hurt are memories, which is like the flipside. hurt and memories go together. i guess thats why the hurt hurts that much more, and the memories are that much more special. will i ever be completely free? sometimes i wake up in the midle of the night, thinking random things from the past. happy memories make me smile when im half asleep. when its a sentimental, nostalgic memory i sometimes cry. the next day, it feels worse. but pretty soon it goes away.

what i crave the most is to feel secure. when i dont feel it, i get terribly uneasy. i mean security of all kinds. secure that the day will be smooth. secure that lunch will be good. secure that i wont get in a tiff with anyone. secure that my work will be accepted. secure that my parents are not secretly upset about something. secure that those i care about know that i do, even when im too busy not showing it. secure that the next few months will go oky after all. secure that things will work out. secure that that unknown future, whatever it may be, will be alright.

i dont have too many friends i can close my eyes and know i can depend on. and the only people that come to mind, are slipping away.

i realise that its unfair to be in a confused state of mind and drag others into it. this is probably the most confusing and weird time of my life. weird as it may seem. because in a lot of ways it is the best time of my life. with independence and age and responsibility comes a lot of thinking and unnecessary tension. it takes a while getting used to it.

iv become incredibly restless. when i quit and sit at home, its going to be pretty darned tough to get my life back to what it used to be. and make it have some semblance of a respectable and productive routine. god help me.

what i am, is a product of what i make myself be through the times iv been through. weird as that may sound. think about it. its probably true for you as well.

im now close to being a cola addict. funny how i didnt much fancy the stuff when nobody cacred what went into it. now that its a confirmed pesticide and toilet cleaner and proven to be oh so fucking unhealthy, i crave it everyday.

i miss the happy times. and by happy i mean the days of summer holidays and vela time and the uncertainty of what lay ahead.

i miss youth. i want the future to open out its arms and engulf me. i need a new time and space.

old and new

hanging with the poo and the zoo. its a symbol.
we have changed but we're still the same..
after all that we've been through, i know we're cool.

in more ways than one..

crazy co

something under 365 days ago. a journey. in under a day. insane. ridiculous. stupid.
but just so much goddamn fun.

when i was younger. careless. ridiculous. stupid. but it was just so much goddamn fun.
now is a time of serious calculated manipulated moves.

waste of bloody time. being free is better.

one man band

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1pfWXwYrZ1Q

its SO kundi. and its SO tripped out.
i loved it.

how i wish

so you think you can tell heaven from hell,
blue skies from pain
can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail
a smile from a veil
do you think you can tell
and did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts,
hot ashes for trees
hot air for a cool breeze, cold comfort for change
and did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage
how i wish you were here
we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year
running over the same old ground what have we found
the same old fears
wish you were here

i dont

i have little faith in my ability to relate to people. i dont understand them.
i have little faith in my ability to be in a relationship. i dont understand myself. or the other person.
i have little faith in stability. i think unpredictability is here to stay.
i have little faith in people. i dont understand them.

i think i should stick to my little fantasy world in my head.
what would i do without music?
currently tripping to chris daughtry on repeat.
i wish he was acessible. my little fantasy dream could come true.
yes, he's bald.

wasted time

im going to watch a movie by myself tomorrow.
im going to take a walk down the promenade by myself tomorrow.
im going to get myself a nice coffee by myself tomorrow.
im going to go magazine shopping by myself tomorrow.

because i cannot keep waiting for people to go with me, all my life.
when the moments gone, its gone for good.
is it really hard to understand that wasted time is never coming back???

juxtaposed / jumbled

happy and low
excited and scared
fat and underfed
empty and mixed up
thoughtful and blank
up and down

i dont know what it is.
there is things to say, and yet there is nothing to put down in words.
maybe another day. when im not reeling with a million questions and no answers.

savit: shine is one nice song.
those of you you havent heard it. get it.
by take that.
its groovy. and very get-up-and-get-going-ish.

ps: do not mistake this post to be a depressed / down-and-out kind of post. im all happy and sunshiney. just mixed up. it will settle. soon.

YelloW

its 4 17 am. i just got home. iv had a killer long tiring and largely wasted day. im bugged. did i mention im tired? i also have a killer tummy ache. probably all tht food i stuffed while i sat like a lump in a chair all day.

but i came home to a gigantic bunch of 2 dozen yellow roses. yes thats TWENTY FOUR yellow happy sunshney brrright yellow roses.

and i smiled from ear to ear. and then some.

dumms, you're the best. thanks dummmmms!
mmmmmmmmmmmm.

looking back

hues from a happier time. windows looking into a colourful and crazy time. splashes of colour that bring back memories of that sunny afternoon, when we drove all across cochin, to reach jew town in time. but it was too late. the synagogue had shut.


blue


yellow


some more blue


red


green

..and there's always the promise of going back again.

tOrn

at the risk of sounding plagiaristic, i have to say..
it is the best of times, it is the worst of times.

conflict

“whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.”

bloom

the yellow tabebuias and the purple jacarandas are in bloom. the city is glowing.

ponder

the scariest thing of all is turning older in just about a month.
nothings really in my control after all.
and suddenly theres a calm.
things change, and theres no changing that.

the most scariestest of all things, as of this moment; 5:09 pm, 1 april 2007 is moving away.
if all goes well and i go away, what will become of us??

and the calm promptly goes away.

breathe

for someone il always love, this ones for you..

breathe, breathe in the air
dont be afraid to care
leave, but dont leave me
look around and chose your own ground
for long you live and high you fly
and smiles you'll give and tears you'll cry
and all you touch and all you see
is all your life will ever be

i know you always thought flyod was slightly pretentious and music should be fun and simple and not trying to say more than it should. i know i was always the floyd lover, and you werent..but this ones for you.