break

i decided to take the day off from work today. i just needed the break. its been 3 weeks of non-stop day in and day out routine grind and i cant function that way. i was beginning to feel stifled. the weird bit is, once im at work and switch on the work-mode, i function fine. i love what i do and the work itself is not the issue. its just the routine. the machine-like existence. and im already tired of it. i guess it will take a while. im on the road to being a complete slave to the paycheck..until then, id like to make the most of these impromptu absences from work.

so i stopped the auto, completely on an impulse, just before i reached work hopped off and walked around the neighbourhood. walked into ckp (the art college here) and waited for a photo exhibition to open, but it never did. meanwhile i watched the herds of students amble in. and pretty soon i found myself wishing i was one of them. the unthinkable has happened. i miss college.

in retrospect i think what i miss about college is college 'life'. the lazy vela feeling. lazing in and out of college as and when i pleased. eating the doughnuts, drinking 3 rupee coffee, making it to class in time and then sleeping through 1st hour every single day (without fail), ragging shaji (i cant remember his surname!!) ah its isaac! and loitering around the foodcourt, wishing the day we'd be out of there would come sooner, loving poetry lessons, cribbing about exams and extra class, but i think 3rd year was one exciting year. so much happened. and all that has changed so drastically now. i miss the worn out jeans, baggy tshirt, socks and floaters attire that had become so natural, i miss the bus rides (yes i do. even with the changing buses routine, which doubly sucked in the rains) and i miss the general air of no responsibilities and nothing to bind me to anything.

but all thats changed now and life as everyone eventually gets to know it, has begun and while it is a lot of fun, today i just needed a break! so i spent the day talking, laughing, sitting in cubbon park and watching the butterflies whizz around in a frenzy, loafing around on a bike (which i hadnt done in months), eating biryani, sipping iced tea, and we also watched pirates of the caribbean. which i just loved. i havent watched the 1st part but i thoroughly enjoyed the second part. it was so bloody real. and i must say i quite fancy johnny depp and his kajalfied eyes. the crowd in the theatre screamed hooted and whistled like they would if hrithik roshan came on. i was a little stunned. but the movie rocked.

i hadnt seen what the city is like in the day time, in over a month now! and it felt like the good old days again. we sat on a bench in cubbon park, and i watched the butterflies and dogs and old men taking their mid morning stroll. we also had 3 different men approach us with offers to tell us our futures. lunch together has become a rare thing so that was fun. an afternoon show hasnt happened in forever, so we did that too. and then the hair cut. something life changing happened today. akshay got his hair cut. and that in itself was quite an event. an up-beat, expensive unisex salon and an exorbitant haircut. the 'bounce' of it all is yet to be noticed.

everything reminded me of the old days. college, bike rides, lunch date, afternoon movie, akshay with short hair..everything took me back in time. everything reminded me of a past experience. everything was so much fun. approximately 4 hours on a bike, and i think i have a few kilos of dust and grime on me..i desperately need that shower now.

a day well spent. everything was just perfect. maybe its only going to get better.

all aloof

someone teach me how to be aloof. please. seriously, i want to learn how to cut everything out, and beam myself onto my own private planet. and be idontgiveafuckaboutanything-ish.

i try and i try and i cant. it just doesnt fit who i am. but i want to be able to do it. for certain times. when im driving myself over the edge being the opposite of aloof and getting nothing in response. this probably makes no sense to anyone..but i need to learn to cut the world out and be aloof.

anyone know how??

also, check out this site: http://www.blogterminus.com its a blogmagazine of sorts.

in other news, im loving every bit of life. other than the trying to be aloof bits. no really, its like a whole new world has opened itself out on me and i want to drench myself in the sunshine. the warmth it all is overwhelming and i want to just soak it all in. let me be.

im scared (and i feel stupid)

its funny how sometimes i sit in my air-conditioned car and feel like a shit because i dont have the money to throw on expensive food and entertainment and have a lavish life, and then i feel like a shit for feeling that way when the kids tap on my window begging me to buy earbuds, all the while smiling like life couldnt be better for them.

and then i hear of how 2 random people walked into a perfectly happy warm juice and salad bar, while the waiters were busy, and threw chilli powder in some customers' face and stole their cell phones.

fiona (some RJ) got mugged 100 metres away from museum inn, when she and her boyfriend were going back to their car. she actually got cut on her face and all.

and then similar incidents occured at marathalli, sadashivnagar, airport road..and you can tell what part of the news i keep myself updated on.

my fear of the dark has suddenly really surfaced and grown. im scared to sleep alone. im scared to be the last to turn off all the lights. im scared to walk down the road, after work. when im scared, i run.

im scared. i dont feel safe anymore. when i come home late at night, i dont fully trust my watchman. maybe he's angry at the raw deal his life turned out to be. at the rate things are going around here, i wont be surprised by anything..the disparity is too much to come to grips with. 700,000 square foot mall coming up, on one hand and kids with nothing to eat, on the other. heck id want to grab and kill any loaded and privileged thing that came my way, if i was poor and on the streets.

its also funny how thoughts like this strike me out of the blue and then dont filter deep enough to really shake me out of my comfort-bubble.

on a different trip, im back on semi-floyd journey..if i could find my lost cd, it would be a fully-floyd trip.

also, we're not going to goa. we're trying to be responsible. (tell me we're stupid.)

shitty day

im disillusioned. im angry. im enraged. im irritated. im depressed. im pissed off. im sad. im disappointed. im surprised. im wiser..

iv learnt that some of the sheen is not real. that it wears off. that if somethings feel too good to be true, they probably ARE. that the silver lining wears thin and sometimes the ugliness is impossible to escape. that no matter how much you try and be honest and pure, no organisation no matter how simple and unstratified, can escape subtle power games and underlying ego clashes. its disgusting. humans are such a fucked up bunch. the mind makes people do such strange things.

to cut a not-so-long, but emotional story short, iv had a long and tiring but very educative day at work. long and tiring thanks to the unreal deadlines we're trying to meet. and educative because iv learnt what people are capable of. im naive and underhanded dirty politics take me completely by surprise. and i get emotional and lose sight of what i should be doing. i hate 2-faced people. i hate people who get credit for whats not their doing. i hate people getting away with murder. i hate not being able to do anything about it.

but i want to be positive. i want to learn to take it as it comes, and be a spectator rather than participant. and i want to give it to him up the ass for being a bastard.

the "boss" is like a dirty diaper. on my ass, and full of shit. i say boss in quotes because he isnt really. he's not the boss, im squirming to even call him that - to give him that importance. he's just trying really hard to be full of shit. someone SLAP him for me. his only saving grace was that he played floyd really loud today. brrreeeeeeaathe and shine on and the works, which i havent heard in forever. one tiny pat on the back for that, mr. shitty diaper.

ps: tomorrow is the first sunday im going to be working. but after work i will treat myself to some beer i think.

random update

results are out. i got a decent 73. its a lot more than i could ask for, given my prep. and anyway i dont give, so its all cool. i wish i could say im happy for me. but i dont think i am. fact is, exams and college seem like such a faraway thing of the past..i feel so disconnected from the past, that finding out marks has no effect on me. not an immediate effect atleast. ho humm..sigh.

its nice to have someone to put you back on track and open your eyes to what you have, when you're down and out. someone to remind me what im worth. someone to tell me its okay.

its not nice to have your calls go unanswered. 13 times. and thats counting 8 times hutch fucked up and i didnt get through.

its nice to eat chinese food. its not nice to get fat. its not nice to stop working out.

its nice to get appreciated for what you're good at. its not nice to feel inadequate.

its nice to get in bed when you're all tired and sleepy. its not nice to feel weird and unsettled.

but id rather focus on the nice.

i live to eat. and now im fat.

wanlee is a little more than a hole in the wall.

its not exactly fine-dining, but it isnt too down market either. the food makes up for everything else. by everything else i mean the dirty, stained table cloths, the crummy floors, the dim lights, the noisy atmosphere etc...somehow if the food satisfies the palate, one tends to put up with almost anything else. i mean the kitchen operates out of a small room behind the restaurant and the their windows are always open for anyone passing by, to see. of course its also an open window for anyTHING passing by to fall in. but whatever..the fried rice and chilly chicken and schezuan chicken and pepsi taste as good as i like it to taste, and that in itself is a delight. its more chinese than rice bowl is. and rice bowl used to be a majorly serious haunt. (midnight cravings and all) and its clean enough to eat and not wonder if you'll live to see the next morning.

the other good bit is, they play good rock. i mean led zepp and bon jovi and guns n roses and i think iv also heard floyd there.

the best part of course is, 2 fried rices that 2 people cant finish by themselves, 2 chicken dishes for under 200 bucks. now all you people who say go to little chef on church street and some holier hole in the wall in shivajinagar or city market, please note: im still alive after eating this food 2 nights in a row.

now to get on that fruit diet.

theres something weird...

...about suicide. i cant put my finger on it. it makes the most distant and otherwise inconspicuous, arbit people seem significant and close to you. i didnt even know him too well.. a distant cousin through some distant relations..but i cant get his face out of my head. i dont think im grieving. i dont think its sorrow. im blank and im shocked. im disturbed and i cant make sense of it. i dont understand suicide. i dont know what it must be like to be pushed THAT far. i dont know how an otherwise brilliant, smart, successful person, blessed with family and friends and lots of money could be pushed to the point of wanting to end his life. without warning. without leaving any evidence..no notes, no reasons. just a big fat surprise. a rude shock. then again, is that all we need to be happy / content / at peace? i dont know. what goes through ones head when you're about to do it? what degree of loneliness or guilt or inadequacy must one feel to want to stop existing? what level of weakness, or the lack of conviction to fight it out must one possess to feel so incapacitated? i dont know..or maybe i do. i dont know..

i need to get it out of my system. this weird feeling in my stomach. all the unanswered questions and the uneasiness of the word 'death'. its so bloody final, stone cold, like a ice mould that slams its doors shut on something that was once alive and felt things, normal human feelings. now just stopped.

auto blog

today i waited in the rain hoping to find an auto, for twenty dreadful minutes. 7 pm. the drizzle is worse than when it comes down hard. its all prickley and irritating. and ONLY about 3287463 autos drove past me. empty, looking out at all us sad miserably drenched people, and NOT giving us a ride back home. each one sticking his head out of his auto and scanning me to test if im worthy enough to be given a ride..no matter that the auto is empty and he's headed in the same direction i want to go, and it is raining and sometimes it is nice to be helpful.

twenty minutes passed, after which i decided i was wet enough to walk home. so i began walking. which is no fun in baggy jeans and 7 year old floaters. it was like not wearing shoes at all, and having buckets of water tied to my feet. not pretty. im really beginning to despise this city, the roads, the traffic and THE AUTOS. they cost more than cabs in bombay do, and they never want to go where you want to, and they're always looking to rip you off. like they're some luxury mode of transport we've been blessed with.

so iv walked a good distance, and im cursing everything and everyone in sight. when this lone dhinchak auto drives by. i say 'malleswaram?' and he says 'ok. 30 bucks?'. now the normal fair from work to home is about 17-19 bucks, and having walked almost half the way myself i didnt see why i needed to spend 30 bucks on the other half. but it was raining pretty bad by then, so i didnt waste time bargaining. i agreed. i repeat: i HATE autos. they're utterly useless and yet im such an auto-slave.

so we get home finally, after nearly killing a few two-wheeler riders, who came to a screeching skidding halt inches away from my disco-on-3-wheels, since he seemed to think he was auto raja..and was really pushing it. at home i had him a 50 rupee note, cusing him under my breath and squinting to see him in glow of the neon tubelight inside the auto. then somes the classic 'change illa maaaa'..so yay, there i was still quite rained out, standing around wondering what to do next. he wasnt moving his butt, so i agreed to go get him change from home. i get to the elevator and someone has forgottn to shut the door somewhere. the next thing you know, im springting up the stairs in jeans that are now stuck to my legs, which isnt making it any easier. get him his change. downstairs as i hand him exactly 3, 10 rupee notes, he looks at me and says 'wow so you did come back today, i was beginning to wonder' ...the creep!

im going to say a sincere prayer today that the day must come soon, when autos will have to roam the city begging for people to ride with them, and go where they want to go..and people like me will look in glee and say fuck off.

amid the craziness...

...that was my day today, we had this presentation on 'the internet and emerging trends of advertising on the internet'. very interesting stuff. especially for a duffer like me, when it comes to the internet im a zero. i still hate computers for a large part, except for the fact that i can email and msn and blog and download music. thats about IT. so i came away feeling supremely enlightened and elevated from my previously rather blissfully ignorant and couldnt-care-less status. and i thought i had something to blog about, excited as i was about my new found knowledge.

but i came home to all the news about the bombay hungama. and suddenly all else is insignificant. i have nothing to blog about. i just hope everyone is safe and back home and hasnt lost any friends or family.

so maybe later i will update. till then, im still very disturbed and quite bummed, to put it very flippantly. but i cant explain it. i hope everyone i know and everyone they know is safe.

i only want to..

i never meant to cause you any sorrow
i never meant to cause you any pain
i only wanted one time to see u laughing
i only want to see u laughing in the purple rain

update

im uninspired. so bad. so much happening and no words to express how i feel. no mind space.

work has kept me excited and on my toes, mentally and physically and its a mighty good feeling - satisfaction. it works wonders.
finding your place in a new system gives you that feels-like-home feeling. and im almost there now. it works wonders.
getting your first pay check and feeling on top of the world also is a content feeling. it works wonders.
having a satisfying and happy life outside of work is incomparable. it works wonders.

in the near future, i see myself going to stones.
in the near future, i see myself watching tv again.
in the near future, i see myself loving what i do.
in the near future, i see myself thanking my stars.
in the near future, i see myself being involved in a model shoot.
in the near future, i see myself treating someone to a hair-cut.
in the near future, i see myself watching joey.

ah, life. its absolutely peachy.

in-secure

im insecure. [am i?]
or maybe im secure in my insecurity. in the fact that i know, and yet it makes me insecure. im insecure over something really trivial. over someone iv never met, someone i dont ever want to meet, someone i know means nothing to me.
but i need to hear the same from someone else. reaffirm my shaky faith.
i hate my mind. its taking over tonight. im going to sleep listening to time of your life..yes, greenday.

mondays are the worst

this is becoming one boring place. nobody has any updates. nobody has anything fun and interesting to post. i dont have anything to say, feel or write about. seems like the blues are doing the rounds. read some random blogs just now and everyone is sad.

and i thought i was the only one who had the monday morning blues on sunday evening. point is, they're still very much here, carried over to monday morning. bleagghcchh..

waking up on a cold monday morning, when its all cold and misty outside and all warm and fuzzy and nice in bed, IS THE WORST. and the thought of another directionless erratic unpredictable day ahead isnt exactly an incentive.

work always proves me wrong though. things turn out surprisingly surprising once i get there. so this is also a classic case of 'starting trouble', made worse by having to start on a monday morning, after a weekend that barely came and went all in a flash. worsened by the fact that it started off very well, involved expensive exotic chinese food ice cream and being around funny people who kept me in splits, but then had to take a nose dive closer to sunday evening. like going back in time to when i was in school. it would to be all great all weekend. doing sll those fun things, lazing around, late afernoon sunday showers, lots of tv, lots of books, and then come sunday evening and that funny feeling in the pit of your stomach comes back. that yucky uh-oh-i-wish-everyday-was-a-weekend feeling.

im rambling now. its just the monday morning gloom. now il go back to work, and be lost again because the idiot that was on leave is going to be back. so after ten luxurious days of using his computer with the lcd super slinky monitor and listening to his music, i will be displaced again. until i have my own system im a nowhere girl..sigh.

the fevers got me

it happened again. i didnt watch a single football match, until the quarter finals. and now the excitement has kicked in. same story last time too. just watched the england portugal tussle and i screamed myself hoarse out of excitement.

soccer is way better than cricket. cricket is for fruitcakes. i wish i could play a sport. i wish i had that killer spirit. i wish i had the strength and the stamina. theres something about a sport induced adrenalin rush that reaches out to you even through a tv screen. it was brilliant.

now to try and stay up to watch brazil fight france..

on a compleeeetely different note: check this out. kunal, a friend filmed it. wild stuff. i myself wasnt present at the gig, but i love this film. watch it!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SMTXGFejmeM