hAAthi

same old hAAthi times, brand new location

2011-05-29T10:08:00.002+05:30

So, 5 long years, 802 posts and 2414 comments later, Iv finally decided to make a move. The life and times of hAAthi can now be found at http://haathitime.com

We are now rolling.

body-needs

2011-05-28T16:10:00.002+05:30

Its been a long dry spell. Iv forgotten how good it feels. I havent done it in so long, I really couldnt help it today. I just havent found the time, but today I just couldnt resist. Iv been awfully stressed and tired off late and today I just gave it. Let my body just unwind and let go. And boy do I feel good now. All stretched out and relaxed.

Its amazing what an afternoon nap can do to make you feel alive again.

Its Saturday...

2011-05-28T09:13:00.001+05:30

After what feels like an eternity, its the weekend again. And Im overjoyed that Im home, I woke up at my own will, and I have nothing to do. Well nothing imperative anyway. Work can be done, when I please. But I shall leave it to just that -- when I please.

On the list for this weekend is some much-needed organising of my second bedroom, which for the last year has been a store room/dumping spot for all things that dont have a dedicated place. And then I plan to complete the canvas I started last weekend and couldnt complete because of a power cut. And then mmaybe just for fun, I shall start another canvas. Or do another watercolor. Or maybe, just for fun, BOTH! And also, a huge stash of books arrived from flipkart (thanks to Karishma's awesome gift voucher birthday gift! thank you!) so Im going to spend the weekend sinking into that. There will of course be some cooking, because frankly Iv been so uninspired this past week. What can you do when youre getting over your sisters leaving town, and youre swamped with work, and never seem to get home before the sun sets.

Also, there is this incredibly uncontrollable urge to bake today. Which of course will be controlled by the sheer fact that I have no oven here :S hah! But what I do plan to give myself this week is an Idli stand! So we can have rava idlis for breakfast tomorrow, straight out of the brand new 5.5 lt pressure cooker, that I waited a whole year to get!

In the meantime, here's shenanigans from Niyu's last weekend here:

Sapped

2011-05-22T09:38:00.002+05:30

Work has officially drained me of all my writing capabilities this week, and the last. I feel like I just cant make the words come out and make sense any more. So Im going to leave it to pictures.

VC getting ready to settle under the umbrella, with a book

Niyu contemplating a swim, in stormy seas. The monsoons are approaching and the sea has gotten so weird.

VC and his new fav thing to do

Priya came to town!

Posers!

Posers, sick of posing!

And then the board-games began! Uno, pictionary, whisky and wine.

And the next day, as cloudy skies gathered above us, we roamed around Panjim and Old Goa, shooting random examples of beautiful Goanness on a Sunday afternoon.

unload

2011-05-16T12:48:00.000+05:30

So how do you get over the worst week in a long long time? How do you come to terms with the fact that you just might be pushing yourself in the wrong direction, into doing something you know you dont have a passion for?

How do you undo what your life has turned into in just one week? A royal mess of efforts directed in futile activities?

How do you feel good about yourself again? About who you are, what youre good at, what youre meant to do? How do you believe in yourself again, in your abilities and your passion? How do you make life meaningful again, when all you've done for one long tiring week long is aimlessly force yourself to do something you hate, and fail at it, multiple times over?

I'll tell you how.

You get family together. You go out to the beach. You decompress. You watch the waves coming in and going out. You remind yourself why you are in Goa. You thank the stars for everything they've brought your way. You remind yourself that this is just a job. And then you tell yourself that you will give it your all, try with all your might and what will be, will be. And that the rest of your life isnt going to be ruined by the misplaced messes that happen at work. You remind yourself that life really is about happy times that happen in between the things you need to do to survive. Life is what happens when Im painting. When Im cooking. When Im sharing a laugh with VC. When we're sitting in the balcony, talking about the day gone by and sharing the most inane details with enthusiasm. Life is what happens when Im too busy enjoying the moment to really care whats going to happen next.

That's what I did to overcome and undo one of the worst weeks of my life here in Goa. A week that was altogether unsuccessful, depressing and so forgettable. I hate weeks that leave me with nothing meaningful to mark my life with. Last week was like that. It was like painfully trying my hand at doing something I know I cant. And failing. Like trying to ram through a steel wall, that wont come down. It cant be done. Much like me, writing copy. It just cant be done. And i feel the more I push myself into it, the harder it gets. The more frustrating it gets. And thats what brings unhappiness.

I feel like Iv solved the biggest mystery of the week. And I just needed to let go a little.

what.happens.when.youre.overworked.and.brainfried

2011-05-11T17:39:00.000+05:30

The kind of day that makes you want to tear your hair out. For real.
The kind of day that makes you wonder why youre doing the things you are.
The kind of day that makes you irritable and edgy.
The kind of day that makes you feel incapable and inadequate.
The kind of day that resonates negativity.
The kind of day that out to be spent on a beach. Cocktail in hand.
The kind of day that shouldnt be spent looking at a computer screen pointlessly.
The kind of day that leaves no hope.
The kind of day that feels like a wall.
The kind of day that never wants to end.
The kind of day that must end on a high. Because everyone needs a silver lining.
The kind of day that I hate.
The kind of day that really should be over. Thankyouverymuch.
That kind of day.
Today.

Im seriously allergic to..

2011-05-09T09:11:00.001+05:30

Hypocrites. There's nothing worse than having to endure people with double standards, baseless generalisations and pretentious behaviour. Unfortunately, I meet more of them than Id like to on an everyday business.

Sometimes, I get fooled and caught in the trap too. Going out of my way to be nice, when really nobody cares. I found myself giving the husband a big lecture on being kind regardless of how people behave towards you, because if we were to stoop as low, how are we any different? But today, I find myself so pissed off for being nice. Because sometimes being nice bites you back.

What is it with insensitive people these days? How come its the "adults" that are sometimes the most childish?

Here's to keeping a safe and sensible distance and sieving the negativity out of my immediate atmosphere.

Amen!

What last weekend didnt have that this weekend has

2011-05-08T11:52:00.000+05:30

1) Niyu's back!

2) And with her arrival came a real reason to go back to the beach again. VC and I have gotten so caught up in life, that I realise that merely driving my the sea everyday on our way to work is refreshing enough. Unlike 1 year ago, when we'd drive out 20kms every weekend and spend half a day or more at the beach, swimming, drinking, reading, photographing. Going to the beach these days is reserved for those special times when we have people visiting, and Im glad we finally had reason to go. I managed to catch a swim in the sea and it was divine.

3) A lack of painting. I didnt get the time to get down and paint, even though I went to the beach all prepared to do so. The sea green waters were far more tempting, and once I was in the water, the cool waves that lapped over me, swaying me around was just too relaxing for me to get out and go paint. So i traded painting for some water therapy. Happily, so!

4) The return of the board games! Something about summer nights, and Niyu being here brings out the board game competitors in us. So we played a few rounds of Pictionary and Uno last night, with some friends who came over. Needless to say of course, the combination of varied drawing skills and our trusted friend Mr Jim Beam, ensured that we had an entertaining evening.

5) Lots of cooking! I dont feel too bad about not painting at all, because this weekend seems to be filled with cooking. I made an entire lunch yesterday, and we cooked up some herbed sausages later at night. Today, we're embarking on yet another BBQ endeavour and Im all set to get with the flow of marinating all the chicken and fish Niyu and VC are out buying right now.

I think I need 5-day weekends, and a 2-day work week. My life would be so much more meaningful :)

simply breakfast

2011-05-04T08:07:00.001+05:30

I stumbled on this blog sometime last year, around the time I was cultivating this unnatural obsession for all things related to food. Food blogs featured HIGH on that list. I was quick to "follow" it and have always wanted to try photographing my breakfast. Except nothing I ever eat for breakfast looks half as gorgeous as even the simplest things she eats.

Until today!

Yup, these are the first mangoes I have tasted this season. Fresh, bright and colourful, I hope this gorgeous start to the day has some effect on the rest of the maddening day thats about to pan out.

In other news the birthday was celebrated rather uniquely this past weekend. It amazes me how ever progressive year I end up torn between wanting to "do something" and "behave my age and not celebrate", and I always end up doing something that really surprises me. More on that soon.

The sister aka The Goof is scheduled to arrive sometime this weekend. And then begins another few weeks of complete magical mischief. I cant wait! It has been far too long. There will be cooking, there will be laughter till we pee, there will be photographs, there will be painting, there will be beer, there will be some BBQed prawns and there will be fun. Lots of it.

So while most of my life continues to be a landslide that I am constantly fighting against, I shall think about the yummy mangoes and the look forward to things to come. Because its good. Its ALL good :)

new love

2011-05-03T17:36:00.000+05:30

Perhaps its a sign of things to come, that I spent my birthday doing this:

Im loving it so much I could very easily get used to it.

to be noted

2011-04-25T11:15:00.002+05:30

In other news: the world is full of a lot of selfish people. The kind who need to talk to you only when they NEED to talk to you. The kind that only wants you some of the time.

Also, I hate feeling used.

The blues after a rainbow-y weekend

2011-04-25T10:58:00.001+05:30

Today is the perfect example for a wet-blanket start to the week. After a gorgeous weekend, I came into work all guns blazing to get started on some long pending stuff. I thought today would FINALLY be the day I would get cracking on it and churn it out quickly and painlessly. But no. I don't quite know why, but the stress in the atmosphere/room is palpable. And my enthusiasm went from 100 down to 10 in just half an hour. Im uninspired, suddenly bleah and very bored. For no apparent reason. I don't know what triggered it off suddenly.

I have to learn not to let my surroundings get to me so much. I will probably never have the 100% most productive work environment. People will be noisy, there will be chit-chat, it cant be helped in an office. Why then, am I so easily distracted? Why is it so easy for me to lose the plot and drop all everything I have so painfully gathered and put together?

And its ONLY Monday.

For my darling Amma

2011-04-24T18:42:00.001+05:30

My sweetest most amazing Amma turned 50 today. Except in my eyes she isnt a day older than 30. Like I told her today, 50 is the new 30, and I cant think of anyone who lives by that (quite unintentionally) more than Amma does.

I honestly believe Amma is as young as she was at 30. I cant believe shes 50 already. Mostly because not too much of her (except those gorgeous silver streaks in her hair!) has aged. And the bits that have, have aged so gracefully, I hope I have an iota of her charm and grace and finesse when I turn 50. Shes calm, collected, grounded and so all-there.

Shes resilient, strong, inspiring and shes my rock. I may not have told her many times before, but she is the 50% of the reason why I am who I am today. Why I am where I am today. And she will always be a part of everything I choose to do or be. She and Anna are my whole world and nothing will ever change that.

So while genetically I have a lot of her in me, in my flesh and bones and blood, I hope I have imbibed at least a tiny percentage of the person she is today. The brilliance with which she wears so many different hats: mother, wife, friend, confidant, teacher, student, musician, performer, academician, doctor, counsellor, my own personal home-google. She does it all. And with such ease :)

I wanted to be there. In a way to give thanks for everything she has done, for who she is, and to celebrate 50 awesome years. But I couldnt go :( So how does one give thanks long distance? Pouring my heart out on this blog, through words that might be jumbled right now because of the emotional overload, is the only way I know.

Someday, when I look back on this day, I will remember how I ached to be in Bangalore, but decided to celebrate the brilliance of my Amma all the way here in Panjim, with some chocolate fudge :)

I love you Amma. And here's to 50 wonderfully inspiring years ahead!

Much satisfaction and so much joy

2011-04-24T18:26:00.002+05:30

Another weekend is almost over, and despite the fact that Iv been struggling to finish some long overdue work today (and its caused me considerable pain :S) Iv had a lovely weekend.

From painting on the beach

Reading, chilling, making fun of VC who forgot to carry his shades and was forced to wear my very chicita new shades

To all the various kinds of foods, starting with the massive and yummy Goan veg breakfast at Cafe Tato's

The sinful cheese omelette that we had to settle for given the painting overdrive I had yesterday that rendered me incapable of going into the kitchen to cook lunch

To the impromptu BBQ dinner invite, I wish I had pictures to show because some of those experiments were so spontaneous and so scrumptious!
Not to forget the dessert I made

To the extra sleep today followed by another painting (picture coming soon!)
And more blogging, followed by a nice long brainstorm with VC.
And then MORE indulgence and blogging with the chocolate fudge

And perhaps a swim to top it off all nice and well :)

This is the kind of weekend that makes everything worth it again. Its the kind of life I live for. Its the kind of weekend that enriches and rejuvenates me.

*all my culinary adventures from the weekend are on the food blog

2 days, 2 movies

2011-04-24T08:57:00.004+05:30

Dum maaro dum:
When will hindi movie makers learn the concept of "proportion" (of drama to length of movie), when will they learn taste and style? What could have been an entertaining, high tension, even if BADLY written movie, turned out to be an extra elongated, stretched beyond belief, badly written movie. Felt a bit like a BAD hindi movie inspired by The Departed. The verdict: totally missable

Rio:
Made me want to go to RIO! Nuff said. The verdict: Must watch

and another

2011-04-23T20:30:00.000+05:30

Today, sitting on the beach at 8 am, painting away, I had an emotional moment with myself. Suddenly, I felt overwhelmed about where I was. The reality of it hit me all over again. In Goa. Living 5 minutes from such beauty. Such peace. And the ability to take off and do things that I havent in years.

Thank you, universe.

finding lost things

2011-04-23T12:37:00.000+05:30

Theres been a strong urge to go back to watercolor painting. Iv never "learnt" it, just always experimented my way around and discovered new things quite by accident. I dont have technique and I dont have style. I just know colour. And I know water. And off we go.

This has been a long time coming. So this morning Udaya, VC and I went to the Cidade beach. And though my perspective is totally off as is my sense of colour and texture, Im happy with the start to the weekend :)

another year gone by

2011-04-21T09:21:00.001+05:30

Recently, the husband made an observation about me. That I tend to worry about the future, and reminisce about the past, to an extent where I lose out on the present. I think what is true in that statement is that Im all about memories and bits and pieces of my past, that I hang on to tight. Much the same way there are bit and pieces that I imagine for the future. Im not so sure that it keeps me from losing out on the present, but thats the husbands feeling.

Today, Im swept over by emotion and nostalgia again. As the day nears, I cant help but feel a sense of extreme nostalgia about the same time last year. And I cant help but recollect what a blast it was stepping into the 27th year on a beach.

It also didnt help that FB decided to throw up the Goa 2010 album when I logged in today. So here I am, letting my emotions overflow here:

When I rediscovered my love for cooking

2011-04-17T08:29:00.002+05:30

Some serious badminton fever is doing the rounds at work. So every evening around 6 30, people creep out of their various rooms and hit the volleyball court. Except, we use it to play badminton. I didnt realise how rigorous and energetic badminton was, and now Iv really taken to it, seeing as how waking up early in the morning to go for a run or get some exercise seems like a distant faraway dream. Iv decided that something is better than nothing, and badminton seems to be the way to go as of now. Its pretty addictive and Im loving it!

The downside (isnt there always a downside?) is that invariably we finish at 9pm (sometimes 10!), which leaves me oh-soooo-pooped by the time I get home that fixing dinner is easily substituted with a quick meal at Soft Rock before we head home and crash. As a result last week featured four Soft Rock dinner. And almost all featured chicken fried rice and chicken in black bean sauce. Its like Iv found the perfect Rice Bowl equivalent of my life in Bangalore. I <3 Soft Rock. Its my Goan Rice Bowl and chicken in black bean sauce is the new schezuan chicken. So heart warming, so homely.So come weekend, and I realised how much I have missed my kitchen this week. My repeated efforts to cook regularly have failed miserably. The biggest challenge is that with just about 16-17 waking hours on hand, its a tad difficult to squeeze in everything I want to do on any given day. So I can either have a good round of exercise followed by a good nights sleep, or I can have home cooked dinner and a good nights sleep. I cant have both. Tragedy of my life. But I have decided to just accept it. Im no superman. Trying to be super efficient gives me sleepless nights.Anyhoo, to give myself some good kitchen time, I decided to skip going out for the various possibilities of dinner last night, and stay in and make my version of Meaty Pasta. Inspired by Sandhya and some pasta tricks Iv seen on Smitten Kitchen, I decided something needed to be done.

It also helped that we had a bottle of this to be opened:

And this is how excited VC was:

Neither of us is on-the-rocks-brave so he had his with water and ice, and I had mine with Pepsi.

And diner turned out to be this:

A creamy, cheesy tomato-ey, red-winey pasta with a simple Balsamic Vinegar dressed fresh salad.

Half way through dinner, I stopped to tell VC how much I love cooking. I really do. When I cook, I feel like myself. Its me time. Its my thinking time. It gives me joy to labour over chopping things, putting them together, not following a recipe pat, throwing things in as I go along, and seeing what happens. When the result is spectacular (as it was last night), its like affirmation for that love for cooking. And I had that epiphany yesterday, as I was chowing down my pasta. I paused for a moment, soaked in in and thought to myself: its wonderful what having your own home and your own kitchen can do for you. And I highly recommend it :)

summer is SO here

2011-04-16T14:30:00.002+05:30

Despite last weeks surprise showers and thunder and lightning and crazy-assed winds, we're back to suffering the sweltering heat.

Today for the first time in a long time, I felt oppressively hot. Like I couldnt breathe and I wanted to roam around everywhere in my skivvies. I guess its a good thing Im safely ensconced within the air-conditioned room in the office from Monday to Friday, so I escape this maddening furnace thats billowing outside. Because frankly, roaming around everywhere in my skivvies? I dont think the world is ready for that sight yet.

I couldnt bear to hang outside. Doing my weekly grocery/vegetable shopping was making me breathless and uncomfortable. Now Im safely back home, under the fan, enjoying my natural mango icecream in peace. Thank god for small mercies.

Murphy's Law 101

2011-04-13T19:19:00.001+05:30

You return home, alone, everyday.
You dont mind it too much.
Because you think of the days when you dont have to return home alone.

But on the one day you wish you had help to lug the bags of groceries up 4 flights of stairs, you can be assured you will have NONE.

breakfast

2011-04-10T10:34:00.003+05:30

Toast 2 slices of bread. Golden. Crispy. Just right.
Slather peanut butter on one.
Slather jam on the other.

Look at it longingly as the peanut butter melts slightly and your salivary glands begin to work overtime.

Put them together to the peanut butter hugs the jam. Tight. (Sula, this was for you :))
Bite.

Enjoy the crunch of the toast with the gooey creaminess within it.

That's what I call Sunday morning happiness.

aligned and in tune

2011-04-09T10:19:00.000+05:30

After what feels like an eternity, I have a weekend all to myself. In town, no plans, no complications, no pending duties, no things left to be finished. I cant remember the last time VC and I have spent a whole day together, alone, just us, by ourselves. Complicated sentence that, but I cant begin to explain the enormity of how absurd that is because we live in the same home, go to the same office, and generally dont have widely varying schedules. Absurd no? That’s life these days, and that’s part of all the unsettledness Iv been talking about. Its been a weird few weeks. But the good thing is it seems like we’re getting back on track.

All the extra socializing has left us craving some alone time, empty time, meaningful time doing things we can do by ourselves. Time for me. For him. For us. So we spent yesterday evening, sitting quietly, reading, while I waltzed in and out of the kitchen checking on my cholle-wish-a-twist. The home put back in order, aromas of cholle wafting through the air, Damien rice playing softly, the warm yellow glow of the reading lamp, safe in each others company, out togetherness, suddenly it hit me. This is what makes our home, home. It’s the feeling of being okay to be by ourselves. No plans, yet perfectly comfortable. No conversation, yet completely in sync. At peace.

And that’s the feeling Iv been craving. Amidst the madding days and madding crowds, we’ve been trying to etch out time for ourselves, and failing miserably. Life gets crazy, it does for everyone. But we all need those few pockets of time, where we can slip back into normal mode, and be the people we are. At home, in tune and in sync.

Why should we believe in Anna Hazare?

2011-04-09T09:04:00.001+05:30

Had I been in Delhi or in Bangalore, I would have been at the protest march in support of Anna Hazare. For so long now, Iv believed that what our country really needs is a revolution. A coming together of people, and standing up for what is right. FOr years Iv wondered how we have become so passive as a nation, getting excited in masses and hoardes only over cricket.

While I was over the moon last week, at around the same time, over India's winning the World Cup, a part of me wondered why the nation only comes together, truly unites, over a game. A game that has way too much money pumped into it. A game that does nothing for our country, than glorify a few men who already have more fame, glory and money than they need. Nevertheless, I was exhilarated. I celebrated. Had I a flag and a big procession following me, I would have been out on the streets too.

Yesterday, with all the Anna Hazare news that was beamed out everywhere, across status messages, cause links, the news online, the newspapers...I really began to wonder what Anna Hazare must feel like. Physically feeble, mentally very strong, fasting away in some corner of the country at the age of 73, not necessarily knowing how many people are "with him", as expressed online. By that I mean, we're with him in spirit. It took an old and feeble Anna Hazare to take the first step and bring us together, and then we followed. In spirit. Not in true action of course. Yet, Im over the moon that the government has sat up and listened. They have been forced to bow down to people's power. The way its meant to be in a democratic country like ours. I only wish we can keep it going.

Its good to know that we can stand up together as a nation, in matetrs other than just cricket. Of course thats just my view, tinged with pessimism. In my heart, Im happy. Im excited about the change. Here's someone who's put it way better than anyone I know has:

Why should I believe in Anna Hazare and the lokpal bill!

To all the pessimists.

From the India that was to the India that is - 64 years have gone past! What have we earned for ourselves? How have we changed? Does it make sense to brood over the past and comment in the present. I sincerely feel that we have no right to, or no need to. Start afresh. Now!

Realise that corruption did not set in one fine morning. Neither can it be weeded away one fine evening. The roots are deep. The ramifications deeper. The reasons many. The means multiple. We are today in an era, where corruption is just another sibling, but whom we wouldn’t want to acknowledge. We live with it. We are comfortable. We are guilty and we know it. I have bribed traffic policemen. I have bribed Govt. servants. Not because I wanted to, but because they wanted me to. Not again. I have changed. If you haven’t, begin. Now!

The question you need to ask is, do you deserve this? You do if you don’t believe in that one man. You do if you don’t act against corruption. You do if you don’t react against the corrupt. Now!

I consider myself to have matured overtime. I witnessed change. A change in phase. A change in outlook. A change in space. A change in time. 1999- I completed schooling without the internet. 2003 - I completed college without a mobile. A decade. The cocoon broke. I saw it metamorphise to a new world. A world of possiblities. A world of courage. How does it make a difference? It does - For the generation to come. The future of a new India. You have the moment with you. The onus. The responsiblity. Before the generation imbibes the wrong, set things right. Mould it. Now!

Don’t you believe that the end to corruption should start somewhere? Fight it for your mom who had to live with it. Scar it for your dad who could never attack it. Battle it for your younger brother before he thinks it is part of life. Frighten it for your little daughter who might bribe to escape a wrong. Kill it for the baby whose eyes kissed the first ray of light now. It’s a clarion call. Wake up. Now!

Be the silence, but don’t lose heart. Be the calm, but raise a storm within. Be the spark, but contain the flame. Be the hope, but symbolise the victor. A rupee less in bribe is your victory. Your parents’ victory. A country’s victory. Heroes and villains exist, but the ultimate victory is yours. Rattle the corrupt. May the tremors shake his cozy ground. Now!

The wounds might heal. Remember - The scars remain. Give it time. 2031. Twenty years. Not an exaggeration. The 40 year old officer would retire corrupt. Never mind! The 35 year old has the opportunity. The 30 year old has the belief. The 25 year old has the expectation. The 15 year old has the future. The 10 year old has trust. The 5 year old has potential. The unborn has hope. Remember - the change is you. Be the optimist. NOW!

(Dedicated to the youth of this country and all those who held my hand and walked me through the path of righteousness)

- Rejil

Rejil is a colleague and a good friend in Goa.

time off to empty my plate

2011-04-08T09:28:00.001+05:30

My work-plate is a bit like a mish-mash these days, a khow suey of sorts. The problem is while khow suey is tasty by itself, I cant have too much of it. Not for days on end, meal after meal. At the moment, Im trying desperately to chow down stale khow suey to make room for new fresh tasty food that’s standing by, waiting for me to take a pick. But I cant refill my plate unless I empty it. Finish what’s on it first, like my momma told me to.

But the plate never empties itself. Because when Im making steady progress, someone quickly refills it without really checking with me if I want seconds. Leaving me with no room, no appetite and no reason to take on new things that I want to taste.

I firmly know now that the single biggest problem I face at work is the lack of the ability to say NO. I just don’t have it in me. Between being shy, timid and having a wrong sense of being obligated, I give in to being an absolute push over. And that makes it easy for people to disregard my plate that’s clearly overflowing with stale food.

The saga of crazy busy work days continues. Its not so much that there is a lot to do, there’s just not enough time to do it. Things pile on, deadlines get made, they draw near and some just fly past without my realizing it.

Anyhow, so thats the background. And to clear my very overloaded plate, I decided to take the morning off to work from home. So I can stay away from the banter, the constant chitter chatter, the incessant two0minute interruptions, the uneasy tension thats just a reminder of how much you have yet to complete. Away from it all. Even if just for a few hours. With the goal to finish off a few things that have been travelling through my schedule for days on end.

Working from home is a boon. I wish we could do more of it :)

This whole plate-being-excessively-full and making me feel a tad dissatisfied reminded me of an old zen saying: How can I show you zen, unless you first empty you cup. (Or in this case plate.) Things are clearly far from being "Zen", or optimal. But I guess the only way to make that happen for myself is to empy my plate first.

And today is a first step in that direction.

another realisation

2011-04-08T09:15:00.000+05:30

At the risk of sounding WAY older than I actually am, and realising that such realisations probably have me aging way faster than Id like to, Im voicing a thought I had yesterday:

What is it with young people today and their desperate need to fit in?
Whatever happened to being yourself? Having a spine and the balls to just be who you really are? Whatever happened to being alright when youre all by yourself. What happened to enjoying who you are and what you have?

When did it all give way to craving the attention of people who might not want to give it to you all the time?

It makes me cringe every time I see someone change to suit the fancy and moods and quirks of people around them. When adjustments get made just to be accepted, to be loved, to be okay in another persons eyes. When people lose themselves in trying to please others.

The weird part is I see more MEN doing this, than women, who are otherwise known to be resilient and ever-changing/adjusting to their surroundings and people in their environment.

Its official. Im old.

sudden realisation

2011-04-07T16:49:00.000+05:30

Im such a push over. It amazes me just how much I allow myself to be walked all over. And yesterday I realised why. Its because I dont respect my own time. And therefore my time isnt respected by others.

Hello, Im Ms Door Mat.
Would you like to walk all over me? Come, be my guest.

have my tears gone dry?

2011-04-06T15:36:00.000+05:30

I used to be someone that cried a lot. At the drop of a hat. For any goddamn thing. Emotional, moving, gut wrenching, saddening, disappointing, overriding..it all made me cry.

Whether I was overjoyed, or frustrated, or caving under pressure of feeling liberated, somehow the only way my mind came to terms with it would be with an outflow of tears. I accepted it as apart of myself.

Yet, in the last year, I have noticed that the tears have gradually decreased. I dont know if thats a sign of some sort of toughening up inside of me, or if I have just gotten over the phase of being overly emotional about everything, but something tells me this change is here for a while.

For someone that would cry several times a week, over various things in my Bangalorean life, I cant remember the last time I have cried about anything. And by that I mean the emotional overload sort of cry.

That said, today Im feeling so many things that would have previously induced an outburst. Im feeling stressed out, under pressure, scattered, unable to get a grip, and like Im struggling with time. Its a strange feeling to feel it all inside me, and not have the solace of letting it all pour out. Its just not happening. The tears jus refuse to come!

I dont know whether to be happy or sad. Its a strange kind of dichotomy, this.

weirdness

2011-04-05T14:18:00.001+05:30

Family is a crazy thing.

we won!

2011-03-31T08:14:00.000+05:30

You just KNOW its going to be a weird day when you send off an email titled "New copy and loins", instead of "New copy and lines".

:S

That aside, it turned out to be a brilliant day. With us leaving work at 2, making adequate preparations for the match (mood enhancers, calmers, munchies, watermelon juice) and settling in to watch the whole damn thing, to the nailbiting finish. In the end, we won. But not after we had screamed the building down and ourselves hoarse.

What a satisfying day it was.

whoosh

2011-03-28T20:23:00.001+05:30

Yup, thats the familiar sound I heard whenever a deadline passes by me. I used to think it was a corny line every time I read in those trying-to-be-funny forwards. But today I realised that its SO true.

I happily and conscientiously put down my calendar for the day, first thing every morning. But invariably, I get stuck doing task #2-3 and rarely move past to actually complete what Iv set out to do.

Outlook 2011 kindly sets off an alarm whenever its time to start a new task. Like today. I was on task 2 for what felt like an eternity, and WHOOSH, deadlines for task 3, 4 and 5 just whizzed past. Just like that. Before I knew it, it was time to leave, and tomorrow I will carry forward the same old spillover of unfinished business.

Hohummsigh.

home bloopers

2011-03-27T17:52:00.003+05:30

After an afternoon of much lazing and then some kitchen-cleaning, dish-washing, laundering, hair-oiling, more lazing, and finally showering, I settled myself with a large mug of steaming chai. Feeling absolutely squeaky clean and relaxed, I thought to myself, "This is the life", and hit ctrl+t and keyed in www.facebook.com

A particular picture popped up at me, and I HAD to share it with my mum and sister. So I jumped, and somewhere between whisking my hand towards the laptop and typing things out in a frenzy, I knocked the mug of chai down. All over. Myself.

So much for squeaky clean.

Piping hot chai is not the best thing to have stuck to you, I assure you. And my first instinct was to leap off the chair and grab the tshirt off my skin. Forgetting completely that my laptop lay dangerously close to the very large puddle of chai that was quickly flowing towards it. My laptop was safe, and I was drenched in tea. Had the mug been tossed in the exact opposite direction (and it was highly likely), things could have been VERY different, and I dont think Id be writing this very elaborate post about how sometimes the silver lining is so thin that it's almost not there.

The result:
Im never drinking chai around my macbook again
I have a slightly sore/burnt tummy
I have been deprived of my evening fix of chai

timing

2011-03-25T09:57:00.000+05:30

Its a funny thing being friends, yet having those thin boundaries. Its easy to cross over and get into the twilight zone between familiarity and extreme closeness.

Recent events in life have proved that sometimes its good to just back off. Over familiarity breeds weirdness. Offering a ear when it is not needed creates awkwardness. Sometimes I think Im sensitive to whats going on, but I go the extra mile and try and be there, when the other person might not really need/want it. In such times its best to let go and lend a ear, if ask. IF asked.

That's probably another thing Iv learnt in recent time. Its all about timing. To do everything in its time. Not before. Not after. JUST WHEN.

re-charge

2011-03-22T19:46:00.001+05:30

Offlate, Iv been feeling excessively tired. Not physically, but overall. Mentally exhausted, physically lethargic, attention-wise too, its all been down. Sort of like I need my batteries to be recharged. Big time.

This hasnt happened to me in a long long time. The house is a mess. The piles of clothes lie around neglected. The sheets beg to be changed, but I dont make a move. The kitchen needs attention, but Im looking half-heartedly. My body has gotten flabby and slobbery, but I cant seem to get off my ass and do something about it. My sleep patterns are struggling to keep up, and Im not doing anything to make it better.

Its like the worst of times (physically), amidst the best of times (whats around me). There's so much happening sometimes I feel I cant match up. I miss the free times, yet Im loving the busy-ness. I want to sleep early, yet I cant get myself to finish fast.

As a result, I feel drained. Like an energizer bunny who finally gave up. Yes, it happens to the best of us.

So today, I decided to make a change. To bring in some positivity. And happiness, it turns out, is in leaving work 30 minutes early, stopping off at the local veggie store, stocking up on some not-always-on-your-list kind of vegetables, rushing home, putting on a big pot of sambar, and chilling out while the aroma surrounds you.

Ah, the simple joys. Thats all it takes. I dont need no fancy nothing. I just need my sambar. And my veggies. And the time to tidy up my home. And some alone time. And some good ol' writing my thoughts out.

But in the mean time, any suggestions on how I can chill this weekend, and catch up on some much needed rejuvenation?

disoriented

2011-03-22T09:12:00.000+05:30

sleepy head
lazy lump
lard bucket
hunk of ham

..just some of the ways to describe how i currently feel.

sending love and energy

2011-03-21T17:05:00.000+05:30

My thoughts and prayers go out to Simmi, her mother and sisters. And Im praying for courage and strength to keep it together now more than ever.

An open letter to the year 2010

2011-03-20T20:57:00.000+05:30

Remember the unfinished post I mentioned a few days ago?

The one that was meant to be a look back on 2010, that then turned into a look back on 1 year spent in Goa?

Well here it finally is:

Dear 2010,

You were a year of variety. Of rapid change. Of several happenings. Of adjustment, learning, moving on and coming into my own. Of a rapid succession of events, that often left me feeling like I was just left sliding through, trying to get a grip. Yet, I am thankful for it all. For everything that happened. The course my life has taken, and everything it has brought to me. Because it made me see that its better to be sliding through than sitting on the bench.

This year began with a move to a new city. While it was physically just a shift of base, in the larger picture that is life itself, this move signified a shift within time. From one phase into another. From one kind fo person into another. And in that sense, it has been probably the single most life-changing decision I have made in recent times.

Queue post in which I feel somewhat like a super hero upon looking back on the year gone by, since I moved to Goa. So if these things don’t all seem like a big deal to you, please note that they really were for me. Because most cases stated below were “first times” for me.

So why was 2010 such an awesome year?

Because 2010 taught me to be brave and take the plunge and do something I have shied away from all my life. To move out of my comfort zone. To break away from all things familiar, that I have cocooned myself in. Comfortable, dependent on routine and mundanities, unable to break away and move on.

Because 2010 taught me to take charge of my life, and develop the courage to live it on my own terms. And with that it taught me to face up to difficult situations all by myself. It taught me to look in the face of loneliness, unemployment, unpredictability, ill-health and figure a way out.

It was in 2010 that I discovered I had a domestic, home-loving, nurturing side to myself. This is something I didn’t even have the slightest inclination to, and therefore never imagined I would in the least be able to manage having a home. From someone who couldn’t boil a packet of milk without having it spill over, to someone who dived into the kitchen and learnt how to make whole meals from scratch, I have not only discovered I can do it, but I can do it well. And the biggest surprise of all: I enjoy it.

2010 gave me the opportunity to bring out the girl in me. The girl that likes a tidy home. The girl that takes pleasure in maintaining a well-stocked kitchen, plans her meals in advance, takes care to make sure there’s just the right amount of veggies and proteins in her meals. The girl who likes to change sheets, dust corners and enjoys being at home.

2010 gave me 10 long months in which to revel in the world of self-employment, to juggle multiple things, work at any od hour I pleased, anywhere I pleased, and most importantly: enjoy the moments in between.

2010 helped me discover the kind of work I truly enjoy. The kind of work that captures your mind completely and engulfs you within, without realizing how 6 hours whizzed by. The satisfaction that it brings is tremendous. 2010 let me taste that kind of satisfaction at having completed meaningful and truly enjoyable work. In a sense 2010 helped me find what I love.

2010 showed me what it is to be utterly and totally broke, and not know where your next meal is going to come from. But 2010 also showed me how to come out of it.

2010 showed me that it is when you are away from those you love that you realise who matters and who doesn’t. Which of your friends are true friends, and which ones FB friends.

2010 was about feeling closer to my parents than I ever have. It was about travelling a distance to actually develop closer bonds. It was about my parents turning into support+friends+guides+mentors all rolled into one.

The biggest learning from 2010 has been enjoying my own company. Somehow the loneliness just disappeared when I started doing that. When I restarted reading, painting, developed an interest in cooking, blogging, food blogging, photography and so much more. I was no longer lonely. And this is something I am going to find very difficult to give up.

2010 also brought me back to employment. I was lucky to have this opportunity in a city where writers have almost no work. And even though I got off to a shaky start, 2010 ended on a positive note, steadying my foothold at work.

2010 showed turned my marriage into a marriage. From roomies in love to husband and wife, with a home of our own, VC and I have come a long way. 2010 has strengthened what we have in so many ways. 2010 was a year of so few fights, and so much togetherness. A year of discovering ourselves as individuals and as a couple. Of etching out in our minds the kind of life we envision for ourselves, the way we want to steer our individual lives and the choices we want to make. 2010 was really about us.

2010 was about thinking hard and choosing wisely. 2010 was about making few, but meaningful friends.

2010 was about coming out of my shell and coming into my own. Of planting my feet firmly in the ground, in an area that now feels like home. It has taught me so much, through the varied moments of ecstacy, uncontrollable joy, despair, being down in the doldrums, the tears, the hysterical laughter, the beaches, the long drives, the solitude, the quest for answers, the love for life. It has been a priceless year here in Goa. Hopefully just the beginning of many more.

2010 taught me to love my life, and treat everyday like an invaluable span of time that will never come back. 2010 brought me back to life, and showed me how to live. 2010 brought me to Goa, taught me how to love it and make a life here.

2010 was about a dream finally coming true.

And for all that and more, I am humbled and ever indebted.

Thank you, 2010.
2011, bring it.

meandering thoughts

2011-03-20T13:06:00.000+05:30

sunday-sleep-in? sunday-go-out?
drink? detox?
sit-on-lazy-ass? get-off-my-ass?
eat out? cook in?
buy books? buy kitchen essentials?

some of lifes dilemmas are not easy.

another kind of day

2011-03-17T10:12:00.003+05:30

It seems to be the kind of day that leaves one feeling stupid. Very, very stupid.

in retrospect

2011-03-16T17:14:00.000+05:30

I was just looking at my entries from March 2010. And i found the post from exactly one year ago.

Its amazing how my life has changed in leaps and bounds since then. In every possible way. Im settled. I feel at home. Im domesticated. Im employed. Im happy.

Theres an unfinished post in my drafts, something I wrote in January, as my customary looking-back-on-the-year-gone-by post. But in the thick of the newly employed life, I never got down to finishing it. When March came along, and VC and I completed a whole year since we moved to Goa, I revisited the post and turned it into a one-year-in-Goa post. Promptly, I abandoned it again. Looking back on this post form a year ago is making me want to revisit the unfinished draft yet again, and perhaps this time Il finish it.

this is the end

2011-03-16T17:02:00.001+05:30

Yesterday, I heard that Cotton World has opened in Panjim. Immediately my little heart leaped with joy. Not because I love shopping, but because Cotton World is probably one of my most favouritestest stores, and in the rare event that I do shop, I tend to go there.

In over a year that I have been in Goa, I havent shopped. I havent bought anything for myself. Mostly because there isnt a single place in Panjim that suits my fancy or my taste and inclination in clothes. Cotton World presents a perfect opportunity for me to undo that :D

And then I heard that Cotton World has opened in Panjim's first mall. Along with Westside, KFC, and from what I know of the place, inadequate parking.

As much as I am happy that I no longer have to ask my mom to shop at Westside in Bangalore and send across stuff to me, Im kind of sad that this is most certainly the beginning of the end of another charming Indian town.

i hate..

2011-03-15T11:19:00.000+05:30

that my blog has become a place to rant.
that i have no time for myself. even in my own home.
that iv gotten into a rut where my time is not respected, and hence not in my control.
that its tuesday and im sulking.
that it seems like its going to be one helluva long and fuckall week.
that i havent spent any quality time with vc in what seems like forever.
that its been close to a month of no me/us time.

do something. someone.

gurl toys

2011-03-09T13:57:00.000+05:30

iv spent a large part of today:
- sliding through spaces
- dragging and dropping files
- docking and toggling icons
- loving the enriched colors
- discovering new trackpad tricks

and as a result: not getting much work done efficiently :)

im in love again.
and this time its with my new macbook pro.

the scene today

2011-03-08T11:12:00.000+05:30

There's really nothing to it. And no easy way to put it.

Im Bored. Out. Of. My. Wits.

How else would you explain letter writing that gets dragged out over 4 days?

A change, will do you good.

2011-03-05T13:03:00.001+05:30

The husband is never home before 8 30 pm.
And he tends to work 3 out of 4 Saturdays a month.

Last night, he was home at 7 30. While I was in the office till 9 30.
Today is Saturday. Im at work. And the husband just called to ask me if I could pick up a few beers for him on my way home.

Hows that for a change of scene, eh?

:D

good morning!

2011-02-25T08:30:00.000+05:30

Few things can be as annoying as a misplaced sense of righteousness. Combined with the bullheadedness that refuses to see another opinion.

And they say Im stubborn.

The only thing that is worse than that, is starting the day off facing the 2. In an argument over the use of paper.

Oh, and while Im at it, Happy Anniversary to you too.

Bleh.

home is where the heart is?

2011-02-24T09:26:00.002+05:30

What do I make of the city I once called home? The city that has me feeling utterly torn. The city that in some way will always be home, and yet it’s the same city that I feel I have moved so far away from. The city that groomed me to be the person I am. The city I once thought I would never leave. Who ever thought going back home could leave one feeling torn? I didn’t, until my recent trip back home.

At its core, Bengalooroo will remain “home”, in the truest sense of the word. A place with familiarity. Comfort. Warmth. Where Im always welcome. Where I can go unannounced and still be welcomed. But as I recently discovered, it’s not where my heart is.

I just don’t know what to make of it city anymore. On one hand it is home. Because when I walk into my home, the apartment my parents live in, there’s a calmness I just cant fight. That old familiarity returns. The happy vibes and warmth envelop me. The smiling faces of people waiting for me – nothing compares. But that’s just the confines of the nest I once lived in. But outside of that? Nothing feels the same.

After my recent trip back home, Ive realized that its not the city that I miss. It’s the people, the associations and memories that I tug at my heart more than anything else. So yes, I miss my old home, I miss my parents, I miss the handful of friends I have. Heck, sometimes I even miss my ex-workplace and my friends there. But do I miss the city?

Not one bit. With every trip I make back, I realize how my tolerance for the chaos and hustle-bustle of that city has diminished. That’s when I realise that maybe home really is just where the heart is. The truth is, that place has become Goa. And that’s precisely why I feel torn. It’s a feeling of having to choose between the city that holds all my memories, and the city I now love as much as my own.

stuck on repeat again

2011-02-21T11:52:00.000+05:30

Must watch. This week. Before Im off for the weekend again.

dedication

2011-02-15T09:37:00.000+05:30

For the husband, whos been spinning through a far crazier few days than I have. Crazy days that have left him sapped of all enthusiasm for anything in life. Its a strange time when words cant make things better. All he needs is some space to think things straight and figure out a way to come out of it in his own time. It doesnt help when I ask over and over and over..Whats wrong? How was work? Why so stressed? Why so many smokes? Why so much whiskey?

Sometimes a song says it better than anything else. And even though he doesnt care for music/lyrics/melodies like I do, and this might not mean the same to him as it does to me, Im dedicating this to VC. The tired and exhausted VC. In the hope that the real energetic sunshiney VC comes back REAL soon.

ironies of life

2011-02-14T18:22:00.001+05:30

Its Valentine's Day.
Im excited to leave work.
A big fat dinner is waiting to be cooked.
Experiments with close-to-authentic caeser salad (bacon bits, crutons and all!).
And caramel custard for dinner (flavoured with nutmeg!).

The irony is Im going home with Anand -- fellow partner in crime.
Together we will meticulously undo the bad bad joke that Murphy played on us, leaving our culinary dreams unfulfilled.

And the husband? You know where he is going to be?
With his boss. In his boss's home. Working on a presentation.

I love Valentine's Day!

ants in my pants

2011-02-14T09:52:00.000+05:30

An old uncle friend I recently met after aeons, asked me how I was doing, how life in Goa was treating me, and if I liked my new job. And while my answers were positive (genuinely!) on all accounts, pat came his retort: Oh but you wont stick around! You've got ants in your pants!

And its been stuck in my head since. While I know that his saying it doesnt make it true, I just cant seem to shake off the feeling of being judged by someone, based on a particular phase in my life. Sure, there was a time when I did have "ants-in-my-pants" so to speak. Mostly in the professional sense, which had repercussions that petered into the rest of my life I guess. I have always observed that when a certain aspect of my life is unsettled, it does affect the rest of my life in more ways that I realise. So maybe it was true for that phase in my life. I know what he is referring to. He's talking about a time in my life, not so long ago, when I was happily jumping in and out of jobs. Moving from unsatisfying to more satisfying opportunities. I couldnt help it! I was unhappy in the world of advertising, and it took me 4-5 jobs (within the span of 12 months) to realise why I was unhappy.

While I was mildly embarrassed to be referred to as the girl with ants-in-her-pants, I was reminded of that time in my life. And I found myself looking back and feeling SO glad that I didnt just settle, or find reasons to keep every one of those jobs. It is because I had ants in my pants, that I discovered my strengths in a particular area of writing, and I found the job that I loved. A job I was dedicated to for well over a year. A job I would happily have continued in for many years to come, if I didnt have to move cities. So, much as I wanted to snap back and say "Oh that phase is over!", I just chose to let him have his moment of judgement, and chuckled to myself.

Who woulld have thought having ants in my pants could ever turn out so well?

weekend glory

2011-02-13T19:07:00.001+05:30

Having recently gone back to work after a nice long hiatus during which I worked from home, I have come to the conclusion that the very nature of a full time job is one that kills time. and with it, the will and space to do things other than work. I see it all around me. I dont know too many people who spare time for things that make life meaningful, to do things they love. Sure people read, people cook, people drive out, people party.. but Im talking about doing things that enrich the soul, that you can indulge in without limits, without a time frame, and feel the joy that little else can make you feel.

I have a love-hate relation ship with work. I started working again because I needed a steady flow of work to keep me going, both from a monetary as well as a sense-of-accomplishment point of view. I was never the kind to be a full time housewife. Which is why the freelancing thing worked so well for me, when the going was good. But the minute the projects dwindled, and I felt the strain of being cut off, networking sitting out of a tiny village on the West coast of India, I knew it was time to go back. I love what I do, to some extent. I havent found the right fit, here in my current job, but I am grateful for the opportunity, and I am grateful for the flexibility in terms of the kind of work there is to do. But I hate that I have started living my life from one weekend to the next. What features in between is a blur. And every Friday evening I hate having that feeling like another week has just passed me by and I have nothing worthy to remember it by.

At first I thought it had something to do with having company to do things. But then I realised that I had spent the first 10 months of being here almost completely alone, and that has taught me enough about enjoying my solitude, to quickly realise that its pointless waiting for people to ask you to include you in their plans, or for them to join you when you ask them to. Its strange, the people I hang out with at work are a nice enough bunch of people, but I dont get how adults go the clique way! Its something I left behind in school. Especially in a situation where so many of us have left our homes, our friends and networks behind to come to Goa, I dont understand how they dont naturally feel like involving others. I find myself always going out of my way to ask someone or the other to join us on the weekends. But I guess I cant expect everyone to be the same way. To each their own, I suppose.

Also, like I said, when you have yourself for company, you dont end up waiting forever and ever till someone joins you. Its not about the company, its not about having enough time, its about having the spirit to do something bad enough. And you pick up and get going. So, the husband and I have decided to make our weekends count, if nothing else. Sure, it doesnt give us the freewheeling unending free time that I used to have when I was working from home, but I have realised that I should make the most of my current situation rather than pine for something I cant have at the moment.

See what we've been up to. Visit my Moving-To-Goa blog for more :)

mistake became wrong, i say

2011-02-01T10:22:00.001+05:30

Have you ever been responsible for a mistake that has some pretty harsh outcomes? I have.

On Saturday, the husband decided he wanted to have a haircut. In preparation for the summer that is most definitely setting in, he wanted a close crop. But it is when he told me he wanted to do it himself, that I sat up and felt uncomfortable. Haircuts are not your everyday DIY thing, I tried to tell him. Theres a reason we pay good money and go to professionals – its because they know how its done. But of course he wouldn’t have any of that. He wanted to do it himself. And do it himself, he did.

So after neatly newspapering the area (at least some of my neat tendencies seem to be rubbing off on him. Score!), he was set. Razoring away, at the agreed upon “Number 5” calibration on his Philips shaver. Until he realized he couldn’t reach the back of his head. Of course, when you live alone with nobody else but your wife, you have just one person to call for help. So I was summoned. And in the most meticulous way possible, I managed to help him. At one point, I stopped to clean out the shaver. I dismantled the razor in an attempt to de-hair it. While I was absorbed in getting every last hair out, the easily-excitable-dimwit that is the husband, grabbed the shaver and decided to continue shaving. Without. The. Attachment. The attachment that ensures that you get an even Number 5 Shave all across.

But it was too late. And the husband had a bald strip running right down the middle of his head. And a neat Number 5 Shave all around it. It was rather pretty by itself. And I marvelled at how gadgets can do such things for a while, before both of us realized the crisis on hand.

After all the why-did-you-not-stop-mes and the are-you-trying-to-trick-mes and the O-M-Gs and the uncontrollable laughter had died down, I had the pleasure of saying I-told-you-so, and proudly declaring that shaving what was left of his “close crop” was the only way to salvage the situation. So here’s what we ended up with:

The baldie-fetish I once had, and that has gone dormant in recent times has suddenly awoken. After all, if a mistake can look this good, how can you not love it!

more hAAthi

2011-01-29T20:46:00.000+05:30

Having successfully abused the ongoing cleartrip promo, we now have 3 of these at home:

Give it up for hAAthi branded mugs. Conceptualised by me, designed and executed by VC. And made available to us by the lovely people at cleartrip and zoomin :)

VC gets me to pose. Mostly because he wants to abuse his new lens. Yup, thats right. A NEW lens. And thats a whole new post in itself.

But I decide to catch him by surprise instead.

Clearly, Im tres happy with my hAAthi mugs.

good morning, haathi

2011-01-29T17:09:00.000+05:30

this is how the weekend began. with much promise. of free time. of mindspace. of staring into the openness. of basking in the glory of a free weekend.

but thats not how things progressed as the day went along. the result: its 5 10 pm. i have just finished massively cleaning up. i dont think im done as yet, but im tired so im calling it a day. and i havent even showered yet. ugh.

Unfinished business, and then some..

2011-01-29T17:06:00.002+05:30

The first month of the new year is about to come to an end. And my list of to-dos is still pending. Heck I haven’t even started making the list, let alone accomplishing things one by one. But maybe I can go easy on myself this one time, because its not entirely my doing. Its not my laziness and inertia. Its not my hectic schedule. Well its not only that alone. The past few weeks have been crazy busy. The days have passed almost as if in a whirlwind of time that I have just breezed through.

I haven’t started working out. I haven’t started cooking full throttle. I haven’t blogged as much as I wanted to. I haven’t sunk myself in my new book. I haven’t written as many letters as I would have liked to. I haven’t scoped my personal work like I promised myself I would.

But what I have done is:
1) Have a series of really long and busy days at work. Its picking up, Im almost afraid to admit. Because I have this nasty habit of giving things a nice good jinx just when the going is good.
2) Participated in the office cook out. Which I was convinced was some version of an organized and “pleasant” form of ragging. I was grouped with 3 boys who didn’t know a capsicum from an onion. So it was left to me and Ashish the faithful office chef to plan the meal, order the required ingredients and delegate efficiently so the job would be done in time to feed 50 hungry and ready-to-rag colleagues. Eventually it turned out to be a blast, with the boys pitching in enthusiastically and us preparing the entire meal ahead of time. With time on our hands, and enthu cutlets in our midst, we also put together a quick fruit salad! Bonus desserts, who doesn’t like those?
3) Travel to Bombay for Ajja’s 1st death anniversary, which we celebrated with a 3 day music/dance festival. Much music. One killer kathak recital by the man himself – Birju Maharaj. One awesome book on his life was released. And I came away rejuvenated.
4) Take an early morning flilght from Bombay to Bangalore for Dodda’s 13th day ceremonies. Yes, I lost my paternal granny 2 weeks ago and since I couldn’t make it in time for her funeral, I wanted to be there for the ceremonies. More family, more memories rushing back, lots of home food, and Bangalore – which always leaves me with mixed feelings.

So there. I was hoping I could spend my Saturday, the first free one in a while, blogging, reading and generally catching up with things I haven’t had any time to do. Instead, I cleaned up. Yes, my obsession is my own enemy in this respect. I ruin my time by choosing to clean up sometimes. But someone’s gotto do it!

done.

2011-01-20T11:24:00.001+05:30

my family and the family im married into are poles apart.
theres. no. getting. around. that. fact.

and today, iv officially stopped trying to fit in.

busier than the busiest

2011-01-18T13:42:00.000+05:30

recent developments have led me to think that VC believes he is more important than the prime minister of india. and that his job, work and daily routine at office has the potential to change the world.

lunch gets eaten. i come in to office. i leave office. the rest of the world revolves at its own pace. world events occur. and he is oblivious to it all.

its scary.

dont get me wrong, im all for concentrated focus and dedication. if youre not doing something with a 100% why do it at all? but does that imply losing track and all sight of your everyday whereabouts completely?

these are scary times im living through.

the story so far..

2011-01-16T22:11:00.000+05:30

there's been a lull around here in the recent past. a deep seated lethargy has sneaked its way into my blog-life. i dont know if i attribute it to long days spent in front of the computer that make me not want to look at a screen when im home, or a general unsettled feeling in life (that translates into an unsettled state of mind, which makes blogging difficult), or the pure and utter truth: there isnt anything blog worthy thats happening in my life at the moment.

yes, life goes on. ever since work began it has pretty much been a series of days at work, chores to be done when home, nights of slumber that always feel like they end too soon, and its back to the grind again. the cycle of days has shortened. and i often dont realize how one day has ended, another began, and so on, until the whole week has passed me by, without so much as a moment to think about anything to myself. i must confess that things havent really settled down fully at work. i havent found my rhythm, and havent gotten into the swing of things. which is to say, i havent reached that state of utopia were everything seems peachy and i can confidently say, i love what i do. however, there has been a glimmer of hope. several glimmers, actually. which lead me to believe that the potential for things to settle and fall into place is greater than i know.

and so i wait, with patience.

i realized this weekend, that i cannot let routine control life. i think its time to get life to control the routine.

glimpses of the weekend

2011-01-11T08:58:00.000+05:30

some weeks the week days can really claw through. the past week was one of them. it was painfully slow and tedious. and i for one, was glad when friday evening arrived. my weekends have become super precious. and i hang on to every moment and savour it like its never coming back. this weekend was spent cooking, cleaning, lazing and generally loving it. its funny..but the domesticity doesnt bother me one bit. i wonder where this side of me was hiding for 25 long years.

what did i do?

a lazy saturday
a home cooked lunch
the much needed afternooon siesta
new pieces of furniture to add to the home
chocolate fudge cookies, coffee and gossip
gin and tonic and the bigg boss finale
malai chicken marinades
a sunday morning filled with changing sheets, doing the laundry, tidying up and washing the dishes -- FUN :)
skewers, hot coals, madly fanning embers and assembling lunch
malai chicken, fresh lettuce salad, dill and butter carrots, fresh bread toasted on the bbq, coke
more chocolate fudge cookies and chai
a lazy evening
got gifted a new book that i cant wait to start reading
dinner at the river front restaurant at the marriot -- my first fancy meal in a while
a glass of rose
grilled snapper in butter garlic and basil -- D.I.V.I.N.I.T.Y in a plate
conversations and stupidity
ice cream to cure the remnants of the flu -- it works :S
sinking into bed, feeling oh so satisfied with the weekend gone by!

sleep-in-sundays

2011-01-09T10:24:00.001+05:30

waking up earlier than planned, even though i remind myself to sleep in the previous night

hassling the husband with rather loud and overpowering love and affection, without the intention to wake him up, mind you

having to hear him complain and crib about how sunday is the one day he would like to sleep in, and promptly retort about sunday being the one day we should maximize and not waste in bed

he begs me not to be hyper, because its only 7 30

i say, wake up and make me chai

and he does

yeah :) i love sunday mornings.

summing up a painful few weeks

2011-01-06T18:27:00.001+05:30

Today, I hit saturation. And there’s only one way to describe today. It was like a punishment. Okay not like a punishment. It was a punishment.

First: I had to sit in a different room, isolate myself from the din, just so I could get some semblance of work done and make my very cluttered and heavy plate that much lighter.

Second: I had to open the dreaded case study document for the millionth time. These case studies are going to be the death of me. I have looked at them for one entire month. And made no progress. ZILCH. NADA. Nothing.

Third: I actually enjoy writing case studies. There’s a joy in crafting them in a way that perfectly brings out just the right amount of information, value and insights. But this particular assignment is peculiar. It brings together an unclear brief, badly written raw material, inadequate time and the whammy: the project managers all important opinion. Thrust very roughly down my throat. And no, I don’t take well to being forced to think a certain way.

Fourth: Multiple iterations and constant back and forth in trying to get the piddly 150-word feature right was more than an ordeal. It was, to repeat the word that has sparked off this rant, a punishment. Between highlighting the insights I believe are important, the insights I think the client would like me to highlight (based on prior experience), and also coping with internal feedback, I have had just about enough. And I am ready to call it quits. I mean, a simple case study cannot be so hard to get right. Especially since Iv done so many of them before. And rather well. Or so I thought. Until today. And that brings me to the fifth and final point.

Fifth: I have come to the conclusion that perhaps Im not a good writer after all. Or maybe Im not cut out to be a writer at all. Being good at something comes later. One has to be able to do it first. Today has led me to believe I cant write.

And for someone that has been writing in some form or the other for as long as she can remember, that’s not an easy realization to digest. More so, if she has decided five years ago that this is what excites her most, and this is what she will make a career out of. More so if she has done similar kinds of writing and been appreciated for it, enough to believe that she can write. And she can write well.

So I find myself sitting here in the office, all alone in a room, trying to gather my thoughts. And I cannot recognize myself anymore. Im going over this post again and again, trying to think where is the Revati I know? The one who was blogging with a vengeance? The one who was writing letters all the time? The one who loved words and sentences and crafting them? The one who was self employed. As a writer, I might add.

Where has my confidence gone? And that thing called self esteem? It seems to have flown out the window too. Have I come here to have my confidence ripped to shreds and be made to feel like the joy of doing something you love can actually feel like a punishment sometimes? What about the 5 years I have been through then? I have been through a fewwwwww jobs. And when I say few like that, sense the sarcasm. I mean a lot of jobs. I have worked with several varying organizations, with people and eccentricities of all kinds. I have even worked in segments and on accounts of all kinds. And in the 5 years I have realized things about myself. I suck at creatively writing cheeky headlines. I suck at cracking campaigns. I suck at advertising writing. But I know what Im good at. I am good with content. I am good at writing content and managing it in a way that makes it sensible and coherent.

In my experimental years of jumping jobs and looking for the thing I loved, I have gone through these very same feelings I feel today. But with a difference. I didn’t know where my heart actually was. I didnt know my strengths. But today, I know. I know this is not for me. I didn’t come here to try my hand at something I knew I cannot do. I didn’t come here to be made to feel like I cant write just because a few people and a few accounts dont match my style of thinking and writing. And I most certainly didn’t come here to turn everyday into a punishment. I came here to find work that would challenge me, excite me and satisfy me. The work is challenging, yes. But is it exciting? Does it satisfy me? NO. Far from it actually.

So I have made up my mind. My life, my skills and my talent is far too precious to be wasted in endeavours that leave me feeling low on self confidence and self worth. As recently as 2 months ago, I was using my brains and my creative skills in helping people building educational websites, travel websites, sales brochures and industrial design books. And I loved it to bits. Whats better? I could work on my time and schedule and still get to do everything else that I have realized I love. I could cook. Work out. Go to the beach. Read. Watch TV. Sketch. Be a home maker. And I think I want that all back.

Am I deciding too soon? Perhaps. But Im going to stick this out till its meant to, and get through my days knowing that life has better plans for me. And Im going to let life take me there.

curing the bloggers block

2011-01-05T12:43:00.000+05:30

Although Im suffering from bloggers block of elephantine proportions, I did manage to cook to make myself happy yesterday. And while I was at it, I posted the recipe on the food blog.

Something is better than nothing, I told myself.

point to ponder #78563

2011-01-04T11:33:00.002+05:30

im sick. with a supremely blocked nose, an itch in the back of my throat and a slight fever.

so i took the day off from work. i figured a day of rest, sleep and general wind down might do me some good.

funnily though, i miss something about work.
the chai.

is it a sign that of all the things i do at work, the only thing i really miss on a day off, is the unending supply of a hot beverage?

kind of apt, wouldnt you say?

2010-12-31T16:00:00.000+05:30

its uncanny that this song happens to be the song of today, on repeat. on a day like today. when im contemplating on days gone by, the passage of time, the speed of days and wondering what lies ahead.

of everything else there is to listen to at any given point of time, it this song that has completely taken over me today. john mayer has that way of gripping me tight, so tight that i have had this song on loop all day.

oh make me a red cape. i wanna be superman.

2010, where did you go?

2010-12-31T12:44:00.001+05:30

its the last day of yet another year that has slipped away before i realized it. december was probably the fastest month for me, and i have wanted to say so much, but have had no time at all. i havent even done my customary end-of-year-retrospective-post, and it feels just wrong to know that i will probably only do it in the new year!

2010 has been life changing in many ways. it gave me my fair share of good time, bad times, challenges, highs, lows and everything in between. the only things i would change:
- 2011, please go a little slowly. so i can soak it all in and enjoy the ride while it lasts. for a year of so much change and happening in my life, i do have a sense that i would have liked some more time to enjoy it.
- 2011, dont spring too many surprises on me. im slow in adapting to change and i think iv had enough radical change for one year. i need some time now.
- 2011, please give me some definite direction. im done enjoying the joyride. i need a sign now.

no real resolutions this time. i tend to make so many resolutions along the course of the year anyway, that making one just for the end of 2010-beginning of 2011 seems futile. here's to another fun-filled, healthy, rollercoaster of a year ahead hopefully.

im not big on the over-hyped NYE phenomenon, but i hope youre having yourselves a fun night to bring in the new year :) mine will be filled with BBQ experiments, food, drink, music and good company. just the way id like to remember the year thats gone by.

random musings

2010-12-25T16:30:00.000+05:30

its december. for some reason christmas time, of all reasons, made me TERRIBLY homesick. i dont know if its a combination of feelings that have been piling up for a while, or what it was really, but homesickness has sure hit home this holiday season.

to remember the city i miss, the home i miss, the people i miss, im sharing a picture i took in december (same time of year) 2 years ago.

in other news. A LOT is happening. A LOT is happening in my head. thoughts dying to be articulated and crafted into nice long blog posts. but theres a lethargy that has set in. work has been up and down and long days have set in. so much so that when i come home in the evening, i cant stand to turn on the laptop. which is why i havent been able to blog and keep up with everything i want to blog about. my head is bubbling with incomplete drafts. its annoying!

the lethargy im talking about has crept in so deep that i didnt exercise all week. i didnt even cook all week. that amounts to one long week of eating all meals out and getting no exercise to burn it off..fat load of good its going to do for me. yes, the emphasis was on *fat*.

on the bright side iv had the priviledge of discovering lots of humble, un-fancy local foods. fish curry rice at some smaller cheaper more authentic joints, the wonder that is the fish thaali and the amazing world of rass omlette straight out of the road side cart!

i have been so lazy, that i left my packing for the wedding undone till 7 hours prior to the bus leaving. for someone as pre-planned and organized as me, thats MADNESS. so lethargic i was that i left my visit to the parlour till 24 hours prior to leaving goa. and on christmas eve, that was me being very optimistic. the result? a 45 minute wait till someone got some time to pay attention to me, and a 30 minute slot to get what i needed to, done. irony of ironies.

so we leave for hyderabad this evening. and i just dont want to go. im not looking forward to the wedding craziness. im not looking forward to having to be prim and proper and dressed up. im not looking forward to being a show piece. and im not looking forward to the socialization. ah well. go i will.

see you on the other side of the weekend.

waking up to KLPD

2010-12-23T11:03:00.002+05:30

i woke up convinced it was friday.
but its not. its thursday.
which means the weekend is more than a day away.

*face palm*

un-emotional.

2010-12-21T10:40:00.001+05:30

Im beginning to realize that I cant write anything emotional.
What I write, lacks emotion.

Hmpfh.

comic relief

2010-12-20T17:45:00.000+05:30

Prateek: machaaaaa
what up
me: nothing da
struggling with a brief
fuckall
Prateek: its not coming off?
just pull it down da
its all cool
me: ayyo
Prateek: hehehe

Some humor in the day :)

MMBs

2010-12-20T09:37:00.002+05:30

MondayMorningBlues:
Do I really want to persevere?

weekend cooking

2010-12-19T00:02:00.001+05:30

my first attempt at cooking prawns!

the truth

2010-12-15T18:27:00.002+05:30

i miss work in bangalore. terribly.
and thats all i have to say for now.

edit:
so, it only when you think about a situation in retrospect and you have a comparison to match it against, do you realize just what you really had. and yes, im talking purely about the work situation.

i cant say it enough and feel it enough. i MISS my job at EY. TERRIBLY. with all my heart. i miss tindoo. i miss swati. i miss the dynamics and understanding we had. i missed how we stuck our necks out for each other. i miss how we had a silent rapport, where so much was understood without having to say it. i miss the kind of work i did. i miss how easy it was. i miss how much i enjoyed it and how i could exercise my will and be given credit for it. i missed how free i was. i missed how i was in charge. i missed how i had found that which gives me so much joy and satisfaction. i miss not having to fumble and figure out why im doing what i am doing. i miss having found that comfort zone. because right now im in so much discomfort its not funny.

today, i probably shouldnt be making a comparison. but i cant help myself. the stupidity that made itself visible to me induced the comparison.

after 5 pretty awesome days and 2 decent days, i had my first downright fuckall day. the easiest thing to do would be to blame it on the one thing that i think is responsible for making me feel this way. but a small part of me, and all the things iv learnt from my various professional experiences is telling me to calm down and introspect. so, introspect i will.

im frustrated and pissed off today. and its something i havent felt in a long time. not thanks to "work" at least. over and out.

a weekend of firsts

2010-12-12T19:16:00.006+05:30

its been a weekend of many firsts:
the first time (in weeks) that vc was home
the first time i devoured a goan fish thaali
the first time i allowed feni to overpower my love for g&ts
the first time i woke up at 5 45 am on a sunday morning, in goa
the first time i felt the need to wear a windcheater, in goa
the first time i watched a misty dawn turn into a moody mellow sunrise right before my eyes, in goa
the first time i enjoyed a goan breakfast in a roadside shack. fun! yummy!
the first weekend i spent as a working girl, in goa
the first time i cooked mondays lunch on sunday evening

we dont drive north very often because its always crowded. and since the season is well and truly here, even more so. we intended to have a quiet saturday night at home, in the company of mr feni and ms orange juice. but in the right company, it seems we can be convinced to do exactly what we had hitherto decided to avoid! i could blame that on the feni too.

so after a few drinks we ended up driving up north. we discovered that the key is to take the back route along the river and leave post 10 30. so at 11 pm, we walked into a steak house of sorts, enjoyed some live music that went on past midnight and then enjoyed a lovely drive back. at least i though it was a lovely drive back home. because i was driving. the two men i was driving home were 1) asleep, and 2) tense about how i was driving, respectively.

however, despite having slept at 1 30 last night, in a definite post-feni stupor, vc and i managed to wake up at 5 30 as promised and met up with some office folks and drove out to diwar island even before the sun was up. what followed was a few hours of gorgeousness, photography to capture it and many laughs :)

this was taken on the ferry towards diwar island:

for more, look here: Click!

soul satisfying music

2010-12-12T01:47:00.000+05:30

Theres music of all kinds. The kind of music that is pleasant and makes you smile, the kind that kicks your butt and makes you get up and dance, the kind thats so mellow it makes you lie back and ponder, the kind that can play in the background by itself and put you in the right frame of mind to work, the kind that makes you head bang mindlessly, the kind that just makes you happy. And then theres the kind of music that grabs your attention and makes you want to do nothing else but listen. And feel it. In the lyrics. The rhythm and groove. The tones and the vocals. The music, the chords and the melody. The kind that says something to you. The kind that touches you and speaks to you in a way that only music can.

My grand dad always said that heartfelt music, performed/sung/delivered with emotion and intention, would always connect with the listener, regardless of the kind of music or listener. And Iv found this to be true in so many cases.

I listen to all kinds of music. From obsessing over the nostalgia that The Beatles bring, to the heady trip of Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, to my new triphop/ambient music phase with the likes of Bonobo and Zero7, to mellower music like that of John Mayer, Iv found that there are some tracks that just hit the right spot. It doesnt happen uniformly with every song/track performed by an artist that I identify with. But with those select few, when that connect happens, that aha moment, that sudden gasping ohmigawwsh connect that sweeps you off your feet and transports you to another world, can give that music a whole different meaning.

I felt that again last night. Im a big John Mayer fan. Mostly because I think hes hugely talented, very grounded, writes beautifully and makes some amazing tunes and music. An all rounded musician, he is. And the reason I really like him is because so much of his music makes that special connection with me. Speaks to me. Its music I identify with. Lyrics that speak of things Iv felt and done. Melody thats clever, beautiful and soul stirring. And boy when he gets the groove on, he gets it on like he really means it. And thats what makes all the difference.

Last night I wasnt sleepy. And Id run out of downloads to watch. So I turned on the "Where the light is" gig that I had actually downloaded many moons ago, but just never got down to watching. And here is the opening scene:

It gave me goose bumps. That pretty much says it all.

The rest of the gig only goes upwards from that point on. John Mayer in 3 avatars. His newer style, his trio with their typical bluesy funky style, and his popular tugging-at-the-heart mellow music. This one gig alone took me through such a spectrum of emotions. From goosebumps in the beginning, to head bumping groove and rhythm that made me move even though I was lying in bed, tense silence when he lazily wandered over the frets of his guitar before wandering on to a familiar tune that made a favorite song recognisable, to having a lump in my throat at certain poignant musical moments in the gig, when he hit just the right note, took me by surprise and got carried away with a massive guitar-drum conversation with his insane drummer, to downright tears when he sang gravity.

John Mayer is like the Jamie Oliver of music to me. The same intensity, same raw passion and sheer joy at doing something he loves. It just comes through. Gushes out and engulfs you. John Mayers got it all. And everything hes got is all in this one gig. I absolutely must watch him live. I just added it on my bucket list. My life would be incomplete without it.

feni fridays freakiness

2010-12-10T19:53:00.000+05:30

this is on repeat. it has been for a while.
i dont know if its because its because its friday night. or perhaps its because im just feeling cheesy and all. or maybe because i havent eaten any carbs all day. or maybe its just the uncontrollable punju-ness. or maybe its the association..but this one just makes me want to do the punju shoulder move.

theres something just so happy and joyful about this song. the video makes me want to wear wedding clothes and go to a nice fancy wedding and dance my ass off.

anyhoo, i think i have resorted to video posting because i feel like im bursting with energy and with things to say. the thoughts arent keeping pace with the forces that be and help me process and make sense of them. theyre racing out and away from me before i can put them down. too much has happened and much has been felt and far too much felt like it needed to be blogged about.

but. yes theres always a but, isnt there?
its been the first week of work. the first since march 2010. and seeing as how my life has drastically changed since then, and slipped into rolling weeks of timeless days of meandering, this new routine has kicked my butt big time. so i have decided to go easy on myself and not put unnecessary pressure on myself to blog as i feel i should.

so until i find time and more importantly, the mindspace to make a sensible post, please accept and deal with my bouts of madness. my random cheesy music videos. telegraphic posts and all things unacceptable in blogdom.

its been a fairly fantastic week. despite the madness and completely torrential routine. awesome would describe it well.

now im off to nurse my feni. its feni friday.
and im afraid im turning into a convert. but im so willingly let it happen, its ridiculous.

ciao.

slice of life

2010-12-08T22:06:00.003+05:30

A day in what could very well become my everyday life.

Woke up at 6 45.
Ran through my chores that included a chain of nonstop running back and forth between, bathroom, kitchen and bedroom.
Left for work at 8 15.
Got through yet another day of information overload, visual overload, wacky idea overload until my brains could take it no longer. Clearly, Im so out of touch with the world of advertising I left behind 3 years ago.
Left work at 6 30.
Tanked up the car, shopped for veggies, drove home.
Entered home at 7.
Started workout at 7 10.
Ended at 8.
Got dinner started at 8.
Showered while it stewed and simmered.
Continued to finish dinner off between 8 30 and 9.
Ate dinner while I watched yet another mindless and boring episode of bigg boss.
Cleared up the kitchen at 10.
Brainstormed with VC to try and "get the wack on".
Its 10 17. And. Im. POOPED.

Thoughts: How do "working women" do this? And my working life hasnt even fully begun yet.
If this is the life of a working woman. I think I was a working girl all these years. I have just stepped over and crossed worlds.

Oh, and did I mention, this is the day in what could very well be my life. IN GOA.
Oh, and also, I was previously self-employed. Free to use my time as I wished. And I gave that up.
For this.

day 2 pondering

2010-12-07T20:04:00.003+05:30

Day 2 is done. Yes, Im lost. Yes, Im confused. Yes, Im still clueless about where I am and how to get around. But I havent lost heart as yet. I guess thats an improvement.

Its too soon to say if Im enjoying myself or not. But heres a SWAT analysis of sorts..
The goods:
- Its nice to be out of the house
- Its nice to interact with people
- Its nice to have a sense of purpose, professionally

The not so good:
- I think Iv forgotten how I picked things up fast
- I think too much
- Its hard to break the ice and into pre-existing cliques, even if I wanted to do that
- The fucked up routine which will take getting used to

The challenges:
- Waking up early enough to make sure Im out of the bathroom and into the kitchen at an optimum time
- Trying to stay afloat amidst the information overload and the expectations I perceive
- Figuring out the right way to ensure I get the run/work out to happen and the cooking back on track
- Dealing with a lack of time for myself and making the most of what I have at the end of the day

I suddenly feel short on time. Its odd to spend the larger part of the day at work and just a few hours at home before I go to bed. I miss my free-life. But it just the beginning, and this time Iv decided I wont be hard on myself about unimportant things, and sink my feet in slowly. Here's to a new beginning, that I hope sees the light of day.

Im sleep-deprived, fuzzy in the head, yet hopeful :)

monday morning pondering #653

2010-12-06T11:17:00.001+05:30

I am exceptionally aware of my yesterday and who I used to be then.
Im acutely perceptive about the person I am now, today.
It is tomorrow that continues to elude me. What will I be tomorrow? What will tomorrow be?

thought for today. and tomorrow. and forever more.

2010-12-06T10:48:00.001+05:30

"You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself in any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
You are the guy who'll decide where to go."

Dr.Suess

kalakhatta-brainfreeze

2010-12-03T20:23:00.007+05:30

its been a lazy, lethargic day from the word go. from the moment i woke up, i wanted to go back to bed. and everything i did, i did slowwwwly.

days like this are miserable, because its a challenge to get myself to do the everyday things i ought to do. because i feel like i should clear up, do the laundry and get cooking, but i just lie there and expect that they will get done on their own. fat hopes. so i skipped clearing up and the laundry too. as a result theres random stuff lying around, and i cant stand to look. the furniture is strewn in an unorderly manner and its killing the monica gellar in me. the laundry is piling high in the hamper and i cant bear to look. but i had to drag myself to cook me a decent lunch, lest i resort to apples again. funny thing is, once i was in the kitchen i had a blast and i made a totally awesome veggie pulao (if i may say so myself!). the best part being, i didnt follow a recipe. i used my instincts and culinary sensibilities, that i would like to think have been fine-tuned in recent weeks. i also photo documented it, and published it on the food blog. you know whats better? the pulao totally hit the spot as far as flavour and taste goes! something i have failed to do until today. so yay.

that was but a minor upper in the otherwise mostly lazy downer of a day. after lunch i napped. big mistake. because the only thing that ever does to me, is further slow down all movement, thinking and even the mere intention to do anything at all. the evening dragged along. and i have officially hit an all time high as far as the lethargy goes. because i bunked my workout today. the only parts of my body that got any exercise were..
my fingers, as they clicked refresh on fb and typed emails and blog drafts.
my upper back and neck, from all the stretching and contorting into various horizontal positions until i found one conducive to lying down and typing.
my eye lids, thanks to the excessive blinking from staring at the computer screen and drying out.
in fact i think the rest of me is slowly fusing into the mattress below me.

so yeah. this has not been an altogether good day. except for the bit where i cooked and took pictures of what i cooked. that part was pure and unadulterated joy. and im going to tell you about that in another post. but first, i have gotto get out of bed, shut down this damn laptop and get some fresh air.

*proceeds to peel and detach self from mattress*

what one does on a week of extended freedom..

2010-12-02T15:34:00.011+05:30

..one evades putting ones thoughts down in a coherent manner, and resorts to spewing random tidbits of information, leaving readers to make what they will of what follows..

1) I finished Kafka on the Shore, and South of the Border-West of the Sun and am powering through After the Quake. Murakami is intense, confusing at times, but a very riveting author, whos writing is like taking a journey into a different world. Its hard to come across the kind of craft and story-telling like I have just seen in Murakami's writing. In the case of all the books mentioned above, I have had a hard time putting the book down and getting things done around here. Which if why, it helps that I am on my week of extended freedom! That said, I think when Im done with After the Quake, Im going to need something light, cheery and breezy to read. Recommendations?

2) In between being buried amidst my books, Iv also been on a food spree. We went to the IFFI version of khau-galli. Our very own promenade dotted with food stalls with a surprisingly tasty variety of street food from all over. Everything from dabeli and vada pav to pav bhaji and chaat, kababs and biryani, to gola and gobi manchurian! Read about it on my other blog. I was determined to take pictures because the street festivity presented many moments worthy of being captured. So I decided to go with my half blind eye, the trusty green dot that tells me when somethings in focus and went click-clicking away. Im personally not too happy with the pictures, but it seems I havent lost touch and I still have an eye. So hopefully this is the beginning of the revival.

3) Part of the food spree also percolated into my own kitchen and led me to try my hand at making BisiBeleBhaath! Lets just say desperate times call for desperate measures. I was food-home-sick (which is to say home-sick for food!) and something needed to be done. So I decided to take matters into my own hands and try my luck. And the result was a pretty kick-butt kinda BBB, if you know what I mean. So I was able to satiate our food cravings, and doing it rather well too. Hows that for a win-win situation? That endeavour has been neatly documented too. By me, singlehandedly. Amidst cursing VC for not being around when I needed him and his clever photographic eye the most! Take a look at my efforts on the food blog.

4) The food spree didnt end there. The husband has been making loud noises about needing to eat dessert for a while now. But I have been buried nose deep in my books and general glory of being free, and we had a bit of a milk-shortage situation, which seemed conveniently timed, to pay heed to his hints. However my blog-hopping led me to this fantastic blog: Divine Taste, where I found this ridiculously-easy-sounding recipe for Chocolate Custard. Milk, cream, chocolate, vanilla -- whats not to like? So I tried my hand at that too. Yes hand, because while one hand tried to mix the various ingredients together and make a complete mess around the kitchen, the other tried to juggle a DSLR and take pictures to document the process. For the food blog, of course! Take a look, and tell me my efforts of juggling 500ml milk, 200ml cream and a camera were worth it.

5) It makes me happy that the food blog has undergone that revival it so desperately needed. It was started over a year ago, as a means to make our weekends (in an otherwise very boring and dull week) entertaining, for the husband and I to indulge in the two things we love: food and photography. It is only in recent times that the "cooking" and "culinary" aspect of food has crept into our lives. What with moving out of home and setting up a home of our own, having to fend for ourselves food-wise, and the husband turning non-vegetarian again. Clearly, food has become more than a mere necessity. It is a priority!

signs of a slowly-turning-goan

2010-11-29T10:23:00.005+05:30

you end up having a perfectly goan sunday afternoon, without realizing it.
it features:
beer
goas best chicken cafreal
conversation and laughter
and.. wait for it..feni. so fresh, that you end up BUYING yourself a bottle to take home.
a drive through the country-side of north goa, escaping the highway and the traffic.
it was gorgeous, and i wish i had pictures. but you really just had to be there to see what i mean.

and yes, the chicken cafreal was TO.DIE.FOR.
also, i had a change of heart as far as my opinion on feni goes.

the only thing missing, was the proverbial afternoon siesta, which in time i shall master. i did say "slowly-turning-goan", right?

'nuff said.

a saturday well spent

2010-11-29T09:22:00.004+05:30

the last saturday, so to speak

2010-11-27T10:06:00.004+05:30

yesterday, the dilemma of the day included wonderful things like: which new book should i read first? and should i change the sheets today or tomorrow? should i be upset or not?

now the weekend is here. and surprise surprise! the husband is at work. that leaves me, my list of chores (like changing the sheets) to be finished, and my 2 fresh and crispy books all to myself.

the good thing about having a bunch of reading is that you can take it anywhere you please, and you cont necessarily have to bound to your home. so once my chores are done, im thinking i should take myself, my books and my bathing suit to the beach. there i will bring on my good friend mr-sex-on-the-beach and kick back and let the rest of saturday unfold itself.

this is, after all the last weekend of utmost freedom. and i cannot let it just pass me by.

bedtime hilarity

2010-11-27T09:09:00.001+05:30

This: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

random thought #6736

2010-11-26T14:27:00.004+05:30

theres nothing worse than being the victim (for no fault of your own) in a situation, where you can do nothing to resolve it, but can only helplessly and tirelessly endure it.

mental note: some things will not change, so have no expectations.

fishing into the past..

2010-11-25T11:42:00.003+05:30

..can be a good thing. because then you discover moments like this:

and you remember the day when crazy decided to hook up with crazy. for life. and you can go back and relive the excitement again.

delight to my eyes

2010-11-25T10:44:00.006+05:30

i love goa. i do. so much.

except for times when i have to wait 20 minutes in a medical store only to be told that only 1 out of 2 items on my list is available, and the one item that is handed to me is wrong.

and when the weirdo neighbour shuts her door at the slightest sign of my presence.

and when im driving at night enjoying myself, only to be blinded by the oncoming onslaught of high-beams. yes, EVERYBODY likes to drive with their brights on.

and when im cribbing about the occasional power cut. and the slow internet speeds. and the lack of customer assistance when you have a problem with either.

and when im driving around in circles trying to find things that i would find just around the corner in bangalore.

and when the idiot grocery store guy doesnt give me what i want simply because hes not in the mood.

and when i need something in the middle of the afternoon, or past 9 pm, but theres no way i can get it because panjim is asleep.

and when i realize i cant get a decent nice haircut without looking like someone pecked the hair off my head.

despite all that and more, i love goa. dont get me wrong. i do too. so much.

i love it for all the tiny restaurants and eateries, that dont have much of an ambience to speak of. yet serve amongst the tastiest food iv eaten here.

and i love it for the greenery right outside my window.

and i love it for the still-not-too-crowded roads and for being able to get anywhere in panjim in not more than 15-20 minutes.

and i love it for the openness, for being 7 minutes from the sea, and for the fresh air.

but most of all, i love it for the mighty watercolor clouds, insane sunsets and fresh clean skies that take my breath away..again..

and again..

and again..

and again..

and again..

and again..

post-dinner pondering

2010-11-23T21:56:00.003+05:30

perhaps a nice quiet coffee, followed by a cheerful dinner (yes, i know the order is reversed :P) is what i needed to suddenly realize again that im such a one-on-one kind of person. im no good in groups. in cliques. in clans. in gangs.

thanks karishma :)

sharing the happy news

2010-11-23T10:24:00.003+05:30

my good friend BP has just had a baby in the month of september. i was over the moon and felt very happy for her and S, because thanks to my move to goa and being online all the time and her maternity leave and being online a lot, we have spent a lot of time chit-chatting right through her pregnancy.

since i have such a strong opinion on having kids of my own, BPs interesting stories and anecdotes allayed my curiosity about a lot of things in that area that i am so sure i will not tread into for a while. as a result i feel like i was quite a part of her excitement, anxieties, curiosity, and her sense of being overwhelmed. BP is tiny herself, and to think that she now has her own Tiny, is in itself such a wonder!

the point of this post is to publicise a blog of her own, where she details the new experiences of being a mother. i enjoy reading it, and i think Tiny is ADORABLE, so i couldnt help but share it here :)

read on: http://growingupwithtiny.blogspot.com

bookworming

2010-11-23T00:21:00.003+05:30

kafka on the shore has left me mesmerized. and wanting more. so im on a murakami buying spree:
- after the quake
- south of the border, west of the sun
- norwegian wood, which iv read before, but wish to own

and since flipkart is slowly turning me into a shop-a-holic, iv also added in:
- the kite runner
- haroun and the sea of stories
- on the road, because i dont know where my old copy is and i wish to read it again

what im feeling:

2010-11-21T14:23:00.005+05:30

the joys of
..fitting into your jeans perfectly again
..not feeling overstuffed
..feeling energetic and light
..toned and healthy
..being able to wear that pair of shorts you stashed away for months (not until you're ..thinner, you told yourself)
..enjoying that everyday endorphin rush

dis.connect.

2010-11-21T10:48:00.004+05:30

iv done it again.
im off fb. yet again.
i dont know how long it will be this time.
i cant decide what made me do it, either.
i dont know if and when i will be back.
i probably will, i just dont know when.
all i know is it was beginning to eat into my time. and thats far too much time spent hooked on to a virtual social networking platform. id rather be out there doing something talking to real people, if there are any.

ho-humm-sigh.
back to my book.

ps: in other news, the food blog has been updated :)

half the weekend wasted

2010-11-21T09:25:00.006+05:30

the weekend is half-over. the husband worked ALL THROUGH yesterday, leaving me to find other ways to spend my saturday, which would otherwise have been spent together.

i spent the day glued to a book i have been trying to finish for a while now: haruki murakami's "kafka on the shore". with all the interruptions of entertaining guests and having hectic weekends, its often felt like the book has been dragging on and on and on, but yesterday with the house all to myself and not much else to do, i was hooked and booked. someone described the book as "a fall through the rabbit hole" -- and now, with just under a 100 pages left to go, i couldnt find a better way to describe it. it truly is a bit like being forced to delve into a crazy world. a world where it rains fish, cats talk and imaginary characters called johnnie walker and col sanders guide the character through what is destined for him.

in true murakami style the book beautifully blends crazy fantasy, with real-world stories of people, their feelings, their fears and insecurities and everybodys search for that something that gives them purpose in life. hes writing is such a perfect fit of style and sense. nothing more, nothing less -- everything balanced and just right. it made me want to go back to some of his other books that i have read, especially norwegian wood.

at 6 30, when i was told that the husband was still not done and wouldnt be done for a while, something snapped inside of me. the long working hours and weekends spent at work have been on for a while. yes, there have been exceptions in between. but they were "exceptions" and not the rule, which is what they should be. and after waiting all day long, i think my bp suddenly shot up and went thru the roof. momentarily i returned to the unreasonable, irrational, tantrum-throwing person that i have been in the past. a past that i thought i have left behind.

i needed to cool off. so i did something i used to do back in the day when i was angry, frustrated and pissed off. i went for a nice long drive. listening to ridiculously loud music. yesterday, i drove down to the highway, through the goa university, which makes a nice long meandering drive in the dark with trees creeping up all around you. all the while, i listened to the love album at an insanely high volume. then i went for a swim all by myself. my first swim at the pool since the rains have come and gone. truly refreshing, truly calming, truly what i needed.

the evening ended in the company of my good friend, mr g&t. yes iv grown to love him. sirish and the husband were there too. and we chatted about things high and low. i was distracted and not myself, though. somehow when we left, i felt i might have come across to them both as foolish, if just for that evening. but i couldnt care. i needed ice cream. so off we went to get me a sitaphal ice cream fix at naturals.

the plan this weekend was to catch the social network and harry potter. the social network ran for just one blooming week, and has been replaced by some shit. so we thought we'd settle for harry potter instead, but i have discovered that inox is not functioning for the next 9-10 days. IFFI times are here. and inox has been hijacked for the entire duration for IFFI screenings. oh well, maybe there will be something worthy of watching there :S

heres to half a weekend well wasted.

on moving on

2010-11-20T15:29:00.003+05:30

Nothing has stopped me from picking every opportunity to wax eloquent about how much I thank my lucky stars over and over for giving me a life in Goa. Iv done it on this blog, on the other blog, on facebook, in person and Iv done it till people have begged me to stop, and get over it already. I really cant help it though. Goa has been a truly special experience for me. Even now, so many months into our move here, several times a week, different instances, mundane and spectacular, make me pause and wonder about just how much my life has changed.

This move is something that will always be close to my heart. Something I will cherish forever. Because life as I know it, really began for here in Goa. It is here, that I discovered facets to myself that were hitherto hidden beneath many layers, waiting to be unravelled. I discovered a home-maker. I discovered an interest and love for cooking. I discovered a patient and collected person who has grown to love her solitude I had forgotten how to enjoy. I discovered the real joys of being married to someone you love. I realized how important together time is. I have made good friends from completely random people I have never known before -- a definite first-time for me. I have also discovered the absolute and almost unparalleled satisfaction of working on your own terms. This has also taught me how to straddle ones chores/responsibilities along with work. Life in Goa has allowed me to truly come into my own. Define myself, my individuality, my personality and see things as I want to.

Life in Goa has given me time, above all else. And an abundance of time does wonders for the soul. Iv had plenty of time. Time to choose what I do, how I do it, enjoy life at my own pace, spend days doing nothing if I please, spend days reading, watching television, painting even! I am always overcome by a feeling of wonder at how this has all fallen into place for us. I try, but I don’t have the words to thank the husband for his courage. To see what I see, to think for us both, to take the brave decisions we did, and to come out here and live the life we believe in.

Since March this year, I have basked in the luxury of enjoying this life. I could not think of a better time for this to have happened to me. But after much thought and deliberation, I have decided that perhaps its time to move on. And no, I don’t mean I will be giving up this way of life or leaving Goa. Slight alterations will be made. Reprogramming of life, so to speak. Rescheduling of the everyday routine. Im ready to give more of my time and energies. Into something more productive, more structured. Something that will give me definite returns – monetarily and satisfaction-wise. Its time to get busy. More updates soon..

waking up at the butt-crack-of-dawn

2010-11-19T12:59:00.003+05:30

The husbands job often requires him to travel to Bombay. Most times, keeping the plight of his lonely scared-of-the-dark wife, hes back the same day, but sometimes he ends up staying the night. I must confess though, that although the first few times I stayed alone was a tad scary, Im now more than used to it.

The crux of the matter however is the going to Bombay almost always involves catching the early morning flight. And by “early” I mean REALLY early (by my standards). Wake up time happens at an ungodly 5 am. That in itself is not the problem. The situation is complex because the husband isn’t the kind of person who springs out of bed at the first ring of the alarm clock. Somehow the condition of being fast asleep seems to block his ears out to any kind of sound. Even an alarm ringing right in to his ear. Loud enough to wake me up, all the way across on the other side of the bed. To make matters worse, the husband is not the kind who swiftly and enthusiastically wakes up at first call. It takes almost 20 minutes of hitting snooze before he surfaces and finally gets out of bed.

To address the need to snooze for at least 20 minutes, and to be gently woken up as opposed to having an jarring alarm ringing in your head at 5 am, and to make sure he does wake up on time and never misses a flight, the husband has fixed himself a suitable, custom-adjustable alarm. It not only rings 20 minutes in advance, it also patiently snoozes once every 5 minutes, only to spring up dutifully and wake him up again. This suits the husband just fine, and he is more than happy to gently be woken up over a span of 20 minutes till his mind and body are accustomed to the idea of finally getting out of bed. Charming new alarm that he has for himself seems to be working wonders.

That new alarm would be me.

enough

2010-11-18T09:37:00.003+05:30

2010, enough with the bad news already?
i dont think i can take any more news of death, pain and suffering. im all done for this year.

A, i hope this isnt what i think it is, and that you will come back and this will all just be over.

of things that have gone by without a mention

2010-11-17T08:54:00.002+05:30

First off
After months of obsessing over her, her blog, her food (and other) photography, I randomly sent VC the flipkart link to her book. I must admit, I had no vested interest. I was just surprised to find it available on flipkart, and was sharing my surprise. 21 days later, one night past 10pm, when I was busy serving us some sitaphal ice cream, VC was busy unwrapping his latest courier delivery (which he slyly had delivered to the office). When I walked back into the living room, something bright and yellow lying in the magazine nook under the table, caught my eye. I thought I was seeing things. But I wasn’t. He bought me the book: The Pioneer Woman Cooks. Flipping through it now, I realize that not all of it is entirely doable sitting here in Panjim. It will take some effort to find sources for most ingredients, or even suitable substitutes, but I was over the moon with happiness. So I have a bit of the PW charm in my home now. And I cant wait to bring that charm into the kitchen. Thank you VC, this is why I love you :) Erm, and by "this", I mean your thoughtfulness!

Secondly
The sister who came down to Goa last week, did so completely unannounced. I love surprises and shamelessly drop hints all over the place. I don’t need reason to be surprised. I love being surprised out the blue, for no particular reason at all. And Niyu is probably the only person in my life who picks up on my shameless hints and acts on them. In the years gone by she has surprised me with very thoughtful gifts, birthday parties, cook outs, and last week once again she pulled it off by showing up at my doorstep. The build up is what made the surprise even better. For weeks she moped about how she is sick and tired of the rut that college has become and how she would love to come to Goa, even if just for the weekend. I told her she was always welcome of course, but in true Niyu style she waited till the very last minute to act on her need to come. Of course she didn’t get tickets, and called me dejected and disappointed, like this was the last opportunity EVER! What she didn’t tell me though, was that a few hours after disappointing herself and me, her travel agent had managed to get her tickets to leave that very night. And the sly thing that she is, got on a bus, brought herself to Panjim, all the while cribbing to me over sms about how unlucky she is. And pretty soon when the doorbell rang and I opened the door, there she was. Best thing that happened this month :)

Oh, and also
Iv had an intense craving to resume photography again. But jinxed I am. And that’s not just an excuse. First I stupidly decided to leave my camera behind, without realizing that we’d both be left without one. Then when we saved up enough to buy ourselves one, my smart smart husband decided to forego the kit lens to buy a wide angle lens in a few months. What he forgot to think through was compatibility issues. To cut a long story short, the lens we thought we’d be able to afford is not compatible with the D5000. So either we wait longer and save up more to buy ourselves a compatible lens, or we make do with a cheap one that wont auto focus. In the meantime Im trying to make do with the 50mm prime. Which isn’t such a bad deal. It’s a fantastic lens for food, faces and close ups. Brilliant bokeh, lovely soft hues with sharp focus. Except, the sharp focus bit depends on your ability to manually focus it. And if youre like me, half blind in one eye, its pretty much a hit or miss situation. But I persisted. Then I transferred my raw files on to my laptop. Turns out I cant install the plug in to edit them because I use pirated Photoshop. Jinxed, no??

And did I mention
I feel like Im calmer these days. More gathered. More myself. More alive. And the best part is I feel a sense of peace like I haven’t in a while. Like Im comfortable with myself, where I am and the way things have panned out. And it’s a really nice feeling. I mention this not because it was a fleeting feeling that came and went in a flash. I have felt this change increasingly starkly in the past few weeks, and I think at a deeper level, Iv changed somewhere.

There, now I feel like iv said everything I needed to.

trip-hoppin' my way around

2010-11-16T22:58:00.000+05:30

i have an unpublished post about the incredibly varied kinds of music i have been tripping on in the recent weeks. but until i complete it and get down to posting it, heres a snippet of what im tripping on now.